DISCLAIMER: Well, if Joss doesn't want to play with them anymore... can I have
them?
TIMELINE: S3, post-GII
SUMMARY: G-PG. She had always thought about this day, but not even her wildest
dreams approached the final truth.
WORDCOUNT: 2557
Written for the sixth round of the Lyric
Wheel Challenge. Thanks to Ten for the
lyrics.
Willow Award at Walk With Heroes Awards, Winner at Still His Girl Awards, Episodic Fic Award at Angel&Buffy Fanfiction Awards
CHILDHOOD DREAMS
by Leni
Willow doesn't want to cry. But she knows it is a lost battle, there are already too
many tears in this room and hers won't make any difference.
Buffy has fallen asleep in her arms, traces of tears still on her cheeks. Willow looks at
her friend tenderly and tells herself that she doesn't have a reason to cry. Her boyfriend
didn't leave her today. But she cries anyway, because it's not fair. Nothing is fair and
nobody in Class '99 deserves it.
Today should be a happy day. They should be celebrating with their families and friends
and hugging each other promising eternal friendship and frequent calls. They should be
staring at their diplomas in awe, not believing that one stage of their lives is finally
over and that real life and adulthood are waiting for them around the corner.
Since she was a little girl Willow always adored teen movies, how everyone made fast
friends on senior year and differences were forgotten as the year passed. How love was
perfect and the right guy always found the right girl. She had loved how every discussion
and every problem escalated until, exactly on Graduation Day, everything was resolved and
each character lived happily ever after.
She had always dreamed with such a day.
Willow would give the valedictory speech and her parents would be proud. Xander would
whistle and blow her a kiss as she walked to the podium and she'd watch as his lips moved
exactly like hers. Poor Xander, she'd think fighting not to smile and disrupt her serious
countenance, he's heard me practice so much that he's learned the speech himself.
Willow would have seen everyone pending on her words. She'd talk about her goals, about
Harvard (or Yale) and how she'd use the lessons learned in Sunnydale High. She'd thank her
teachers and her parents. Maybe, if she had the guts, she'd finally say how she didn't
care that everyone thought her a loser because - insert loving glance at Xander, who was
still smiling at her and his eyes showed his absolute support - she had everything she
needed. She would say that she'd noticed every person of her grade and that all of them,
in their own way, were special.
Her last words would be 'Let our lives begin' and she'd notice by pure chance how
Jonathan, in the back of the room, would smile pleasantly at her because he finally
understood that being popular was not the most important thing in one's life.She'd walk
slowly to her seat beside Xander and she'd finally laugh as he elbowed Jesse sharply to
wake him up and whispered to him to clap at her speech.
Later, when everything was settled, Xander would tell her that he'd thought about it
carefully, and that he didn't care about Sunnydale if she wasn't there. His family was a
joke, he would say, and of course he'd prefer her any day. Maybe he wouldn't go to Harvard
(or Yale) but he'd look for a place in the neighbour towns. And, wouldn't it be great if
Jesse roomed with him? I love you, he'd say for the first time after months of dating and
they'd kiss and everything would be perfect.
Willow had thought of every detail. Their story would have a happy ending because they did
deserve it.
Then Buffy came. And with her it was impossible to dismiss the vampires, the prophecies
and the nightmares. Jesse had died in those first days and Willow can still remember how
tightly Xander held her in the memorial. She and Xander had talked a lot then, had sworn
that they'd never be apart and that they'd take care of each other forever, because, in
the end, their friendship was still the only thing they could completely count on.
Even after Jesse died, she hadn't lost her hopes for the perfect Graduation. Her parents
were still there, smiling proudly and taking so many photos that she nearly was
embarrassed by the attention. Xander was there, of course. Daddy would look at him
threateningly when he took her hand but Willow would smile blissfully and that would be
everything Daddy needed to let them be. Mom would be ecstatic for her daughter, happy that
she'd finally found the perfect boyfriend. Because, why would low grades and a
dysfunctional family matter when Xander loved Willow so much?
Yes, they'd think of Jesse and Xander would hug her fiercely again, renewing their
promise. Willow would cry a little and pretend she didn't notice the tear rolling down
Xander's cheek. But that would only make her love him more, as if it were possible,
because she always knew her boyfriend was a sensitive guy beneath that cynical exterior.
But in this version Buffy was there too, sitting at Xander's other side. She'd also smile
at her and try to outdo Xander as they clapped when Willow was called for her speech.
Buffy would have welcomed her with a hug as Willow went back to her seat and then subtly
gave her and Xander some privacy.
Afterwards, when her parents were finally tired and after Daddy had mentioned his gun for
the tenth time, she and Xander would sit in her living room and cuddle on her sofa. She'd
slowly confess that she wouldn't go away to Harvard (or Yale) because the Hellmouth was
her responsibility too. She may not be the Slayer and maybe the world didn't need her, but
she was Buffy's friend and she'd never leave her alone. I don't want to lose you, she'd
tell Xander, but I understand if you decide to go. Xander would hug her again. Remember
our promise? he'd say against her hair and she'd be happy.
But Willow hadn't counted with the fact that she and Xander may not belong together, at
least not as more than best friends. When his attentions for Buffy had become too obvious,
her dreams of the perfect Graduation had been bitter with images of them holding hands as
she gave her speech. Of their linked arms as they smiled congratulating her for the
wonderful in-depth speech.
When Buffy and Angel got together, Willow's dreams were hopeful and perfect again. Of
course Xander would notice her, not even he was as stubborn as to think that Buffy would
take any interest in him.
But reality hadn't followed Willow's careful script.
First Cordelia. When Willow found them together she had heard her heart breaking in little
pieces all over the library floor. She hadn't wanted to believe it, she'd almost pleaded
that Xander would tell her it was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake and that he'd
never do it again. Instead he had confided that he was beginning to feel something for
Cordelia. Cordelia! The same who had insulted them so often during the past years. The
girl who had ignored Jesse and never given a damn when he died. How could Xander fall for
her?
Her dreams turned nightmares where Xander held Cordelia's hand and he was too busy making
out to even look in Willow's direction as she gave her speech. But Cordelia had noticed
her, and given her a smug smile just before going back to kiss Xander. Willow had almost
preferred the visions where Buffy was Xander's girlfriend, at least then she'd known he'd
be in good hands.
Then came Oz. Sweet, sweet Oz with his music, his guitar and his unconditional love.
Willow had always loved the way he looked at her, as if she were the only girl at the
school. Oz had composed songs for her and told her that her eyes were the colour of the
jungle at night. You're beautiful, he'd repeated until she'd looked at her mirror and
decided that yes, she was beautiful.
Willow had begun to understand that there were other guys as perfect as Xander, and maybe
even more. The best thing about Oz was that he truly cared about her. He had eyes for no
other girl, be it Slayer, resuscitated mummy or bitch queen.
Graduation looked like a sweet dream again. Xander would be with Cordelia or Buffy and
Willow didn't really care. Oh, her heart hurt and screamed still, but the thought of Oz
sitting there and smiling comfortingly soothed the wounds. It would be a perfect
occasion...
...and then it wasn't.
Whatever had happened with Xander had left her confused, bleeding in parts she had never
believed could bleed so much. Their friendship had jumped off a cliff and right now it was
on incentive care, held in a coma because neither of them wanted to plunge the cord and
let it die, but neither did they want to try a massive surgery and let it thrive on life
and laughter again.
Things with Oz were hurting her, too. He had forgiven her, blessed be his soul, but
nothing was the same. He didn't look at her as if she were a miracle anymore, and even if
he still loved her and wrote songs for her, his music had a haunting note that inevitably
made her cry at night.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't. She had only ever wanted a happily ever after, why couldn't she
have it? Why should she welcome confusion and heartache at her doorstep?
It was by then that Graduation Day stopped being about happiness and accomplishment,
instead becoming the day which would signal her freedom. No more bumping with Cordelia in
the corridors, no more finding herself in compromising situations with her best friend, no
more getting scorning looks because she'd cheated on the sweetest guy.
Willow just wanted it to stop, she didn't care to be Valedictorian anymore, she didn't
care for speeches or for Mommy and Daddy to be proud. All Willow ever wanted out of that
day was to take Oz's hand and tell him that she loved him. Not as much as she'd loved
Xander, maybe, but she definitely loved him better.
She hadn't hoped for her fairytale anymore, Willow just wanted to turn the page on this
stage of her life once and for all. It wouldn't be perfect, but the confusion would be
over.
But even as gloomy as her thoughts had been, she'd never counted with this. Until last
week she'd never dreamed that she'd be hiding weapons under her gown, never thought that
she'd spend the afternoon before Graduation teaching her classmates to fire a crossbow or
where exactly the heart was and why you should never lose the cross in your left hand.
Last night, just before going to sleep, she had hugged her parents, not minding for a
second that they'd found meetings more important than their only daughter's graduation.
Willow would cry about that later, but until now she's just glad they weren't part of the
chaos.
The day had begun as normally as any other else. The sun shone, the birds sung. She had
noticed every cheerful detail as she run to the school. In the last years Willow had
discovered that an Apocalypses could be happening around the corner and nothing would ever
point to it. Not unless you were specifically looking for it. Nothing had foretold the
massacre that would take place at Sunnydale High, nobody could have known that a couple of
kids would kill the Mayor before sundown. And absolutely no sign was given that the world
would be on the line... again.
But now Willow thinks bitterly that nothing could have been as far from the truth.
Classmates were killed, the Mayor/demon's carcass was incinerated among the school's ashes
and the world had been saved.
And she has had sex. Willow cannot forget that little detail. If having her Graduation as
another Apocalypses' setting wasn't enough, now she has to accept that her first time has
been with the sword of Damocles hanging over her bed. She can't blame anyone, because
she'd wanted it more than anything else. They could have died. Only that they didn't and
now Willow feels as if sex will always be prefaced by panic and fear.
She came to Buffy's to tell her about it. She'd know better than anybody else how to deal
with first times gone bad. But Willow had found her friend crying silently on her bed,
Angel's pictures and Angel's things thrown all over the mattress while Buffy hugged an old
jacket and didn't even look up when Willow entered her room.
She did what every other best friend would have done in her place, she just sat on the bed
and let Buffy cry. Willow tried to comfort her as much as she could, but finally she gave
up and just caressed the Slayer's hair just as her mother used to do to calm her when she
was a little girl.
Buffy is still sleeping, and Willow knows it's time to leave. She has finally decided what
to do.
She'll go to Oz's and tell him everything. Her old dreams and Xander's role in them, and
how she needs her best friend in her life. Because she loves Oz, but she cannot picture a
life without the boy who kissed her first. Willow will tell him about that kiss too, how
it was Jesse's dare and the three had laughed when it was over. They had been nine at the
time.
Willow leaves the Summers household just to notice the sun setting. She shudders at the
thought of all those vampires, the ones who have killed her classmates, waiting
impatiently for the last beam of sunlight to disappear. The night is coming and nothing
can stop it. She hurries to Oz' and is amazed when a feeling of déjà vu engulfs her. Of
course. She is running, the sun is still shining and the birds are chirping.
She slows her pace and wishes that she could begin the day again. Just to tell Larry to
move quickly, and Katherine not to throw her cross. To tell Angel how much Buffy is
suffering and explain to Cordelia that she doesn't really hate her. She makes her wish and
closes her eyes. Nothing. There is never a wishing demon when you need one.
The sky is darker now but the songbirds keep singing, like they know the score. Maybe not
even their jolly song will stop the night and the evil, but they have to try. That's why
Willow cannot leave for Harvard (or Yale) even when both colleges have accepted her. She
has to try and help. She's the Slayer's best friend and she has a mission too. She'll see
to it that no other girl has the world ending on the most important day of her life, that
the next Mayor cares about his people or at least doesn't want to eat them all and that
her next time with Oz will be perfect.
Willow now understands that Graduation isn't freedom. She may have turned the page on High
School forever, but there will always be a real life to face. Xander and Oz are both
staying, and she has to find the way to have both in her life. The Slayer has her heart
broken and Willow will help her move on. She has a whole life ahead and maybe Graduation
wasn't what she'd dreamed.
But it doesn't really matter.
The End
19/12/03
Feedback, please?
TITLE - Songbird
ALBUM · Rumours (1977) - Fleetwood Mac
LYRICS - Written & performed by Christine McVie
For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right
To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.
