Wow. After reading through my Haiti journal two years later - wow. It is amazing the changes God has brought about in my life since that time.
The chief thing is that the worst of the battles with my self-esteem have been won. You can tell just by reading the last several pages that I had no confidence, no sense of self-worth whatsoever. None. Can we say, "self-centered"? It makes me cringe to hear how self-centered I sounded in that journal, and I know that with all I was struggling with at that time… but that was really the way I was at the time. (Eek, and ick, and "give me a break" respectively.) I knew that a reflection and growth journal would sound introspective just by the nature of what I intended the journal to be, but really… (No matter what I think of my journal now, I'm leaving it as is so that people can see the positive things that God has done in the lives of myself and others - no matter how much it makes me cringe. Blah.) Fortunately God has finally given some healing in that respect, and with the confidence in my own talents and abilities (that I can now actually recognize that I have - yipee!) I am now better able to turn my attention outward to caring for and serving and blessing others AS I SHOULD BE!!!
Unfortunately some of the struggles I was dealing with at that time have not changed or gone away - in fact, some have even gotten worse (for one, my marriage decided to unravel - the experience has been a personal trial by fire that has given me the opportunity to feel God's grace and mercy all the more fully). Fortunately God has given me an unlimited supply of grace by which I can deal with them… and I am now a far better person because of it. Stronger? Yes. More mature? Yes. More tolerant? Yes. Less worried about being perfect all the time? (Okay, I'm still working on that one.) More willing to trust in God? Like I have a choice - He's the only one I can trust with my future! (Jeremiah 29:11 - " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.' ") I am choosing to trust Him because He keeps His promises because He is Truth. Some days I wish He wouldn't trust me so much. And I need to wrap this up and get off my soapbox… (I'll try not to trip on the way down. Though that would be pretty funny if I did…)
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