I don't know why Michael is making me write this paragraph...I suppose he wants me to look inside myself. this is probably some sort of stange introspective excercise to find out what I really want to do with my life or something like that. maybe he's trying to get me to stop criticizing myself all the time and comparing myself to others because it's really not constructive. Okay, I don't think he's going to tell me what this is about.

I guess I'll try to self-analyze. I think that if I were free to choose, I would stop taking any classes that weren't related to computer science or Japanese (or biochem 'cause it's cool too) and start studying anything and everything that I want to. I would write and draw and compose and create...and I think I would feel more fulfilled. I would throw myself into language study and web projects and shape myself into someone I could really be proud of. But, as a Jr. at Vanderbilt, I don't feel like I ever have the time. I mean, I am a molecular bio/ compuer science major and japanese minor AND I'm premed on top of that. I'm the Anim� club president this year, which actually doesn't take up much time, but I am also in the Asisan Student Association, Vanderbilt Student Volunteers for Science, Conversation Partners, Amnesty International and Interhall. I realize that isn't a huge list, but the meetings do take up time. Oh, did I mention my two jobs? Yes, I reeve for about 8 hours a week in my dorm and I work about 6-8 hours a week in a genetics lab at Medical Center North.

Right now I should be finishing up my orgo lab report and doing Japanese homework. I have a computer science lab that is due this Friday, a Genetics test on Monday and a Biochem test next Friday. As if that weren't enough, I also have the April MCAT looming over my head and robbing any free time that I might otherwise choose to use for relaxation or recuperation. Despite my 17-hour course load this semester, I have also signed away my weekends to Kapan classes in preparation for the MCAT. In fact, I have another practice MCAT this Saturday and classes on Sunday. Oh yay.

So, let me ask you, the reader. Do I sound busy??! And yet, most recently, I feel unfulfilled. I want to do more. I want to do something that matters to me, something more than homework. As I said, i want to draw and to write and to explore all the creative aspects that I can.

Yes, I think I understand now. I may not get to accomplish any of that, but I think the time has come for me to either be creative or die trying. And this, my journal, inspired by someone who I believe to be the epitome of everything I want to become, is my first step toward my new freedom. (A quick note for future readers. This person I am speaking of is not someone I have mentioned. In fact, I haven't even met this person.)

current music: Duvet from Serial Experiments Lain
current mood: hopeful

10:15am - Programming Idea

I hate how sometimes I wake up in the morning bright and early just like I want to and then fall alseep again. This morning I distinctly remember seeing the times 6:25, 7:20, and 9:00, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed until just now.

I signed up for a Live Journal account last night, but I had a great dream this morning about writing my own Perl script so I don't have to pay them 5 bucks (I am soooo cheap). It would be nice to write a useful program for a change anyway.

Okay, I think it's time to finish that lab report I've been putting off...

Current music: 'Revolution' from Utena
Current mood: sleepy

11:35am - This is addictive

I finished my lab report early. While I was in the shower just now I was thinking how incredibly addictive this journal is going to be. I bet very few people ever see it, but I'm still motivated for some strange reason to tell myself all about...well, me. Ever since college started I've had this strange feeling that I'm not really me anymore. I had to stop playing piano my Jr. year in high school when I got too busy, and my Irish tin whistle and flute and recorder and pan flute and violin all got put away when I started spending time with daniel. I doodle a lot, but I don't really draw anymore and I don't even find time to watch my favorite two TV shows on the face of the earth--the X files and Star Trek Voyager (now that DS9 is gone). As my friends know, I don't really play video games too much, I don't update my sites as much and I also don't find that much time for anim� (taihen, ne?).

So...Kim is in identity crisis city. I just go about doing what I need to do all the time and I don't think about it, but who am I? Who am I really? How do people see me? I asked Daniel the other day if he could picture meeting himself, if he felt like he really knew himself well enough to picture talking to himself. Daniel said yes. I realized then that I have either lost something or I have discovered that I have never had any idea who I am. I simply define myself by what I do...and lately, as I've said, nothing interesting has been happening. So...I will try to define myself in this journal.

Also...this journal will be good for my 'kinfolk' when I pass on. If this webpage outlives me then they will be able to read it whenever they want and maybe they'll feel a little closer to me (or whatever, I don't know)...

It is now most definately time for organic chem lab. Jaa, ne.

Current music: Yuko Sasaki - Akai Kutsu (red shoes)
Current mood: skeert (scared in cute kimmi language)
Characteristic of the moment: I use a lot of elipses and parenthesis