Book
LaunchBook
LaunchThe following speech was written for the launch of the book "Our Baby Died" in Adelaide SA Oct 1994
Recently an Australian newspaper published
a list of "top killers" "Heart failure 3,000, Road accidents 2,000,
SIDS 300 even flu 122 was mentioned. But no mention was made of the three
thousand perinatal deaths which occur in Australia every year. I suspect
this is because we don't as a whole believe that the loss of an unborn
or newly born infant is all that great. After all a premature baby is often
dehumanised and referred to as a "skun rabbit. Even those babies born closer
to term are often still dismissed with thoughts that they wouldn't have
been normal anyway or parents are "comforted " with being told that at
least they didn't get to know their baby. The comforter being blissfully
unaware of the fact that these parents did of course get to know their
baby and all they wanted to do was to have the opportunity to get to know
their baby more.
Because this attitude permeates our society
expectant parents are often not in the least prepared for the possibility
of an unexpected or poor birth outcome.
When Emma was stillborn, as a family we were
devastated. 
I have recently heard that the grief experienced
through the loss of a child is arguable greater than any other grief that
we can experience even the death of a spouse. This is because we all expect
to outlive our children and so if they die , at whatever age, it is completely
unexpected and devastating.
The death of a baby brother or sister must
also impact greatly on a child. 
We must expect that memories of this experience
will remain with him or her for the rest of their life.
We therefore have a responsibility to care
for that child in their grief and help them assimilate the experience in
a healthy way into their lives.
This is where I hope "Our Baby Died" will
help children to begin to grieve in a healthy way for their dead sibling.
Even though I wrote it with an for our three
children for simplicity and clarity I wrote it as if one child was speaking.
He
talks about feelings of excitement and expectation, when his mother was
pregnant, then upon hearing the news of his sisters death about feeling
upset and sad.
he mentions feeling scared before seeing his
sister and relieved when he realises that she doesn't look ugly as he expected.
The book explains about funerals referring
to the idea of an empty "body house" I used this term to try to overcome
the contradiction that a child may face upon hearing that his sibling is
in heaven but still being able to see her body.
The
book also talks about feelings of guilt and offers reassurance that his
thoughts feelings and actions didn't cause his baby's death.
I have written it with the intention that grieving
families will be able to glean ideas from it. They will see that it is
okay to involve their children in cuddling their dead sibling,
it is all right to take them to the funeral , that is is ok to talk about
the baby at school or preschool.
It is an overtly Christian book. We are a Christian family and so we feel confortable with the ideas of a loving God who hurts when we hurt and the hope of heaven. I also feel that when this tragedy occurs the family involved may, perhaps for the first time in their lives, want to know about God and feel reassured that their baby is with him and they will see their baby again.
The book is beautifully illustrated by Adam Moyle.
I want to tell you about my hopes and dreams
for this book.
I would like to see it generally available
to bereaved families in support networks like SANDS , SIDS and compassionate
friends.
I would hope that it would be known by funeral
directors and bereavement counsellors that they would recommend it to the
newly bereaved families with whom they come in contact.
I see it as a resource book for pre-school
and primary teachers to read to groups of children and discuss the issues
raised.
I would like to see it available in all maternity
hospitals through either doctors, midwives, social workers or chaplains.
My hope is that it will become known and used
both nationally and internationally whenever this tragedy occurs.
Graphics on this page are from the
book "Our Baby Died" and are therefore copyright and must not be
copied without permission.
How parents can help their bereaved child cope with
their baby's death.
Hints for bereaved parents
The Children's Book "Our Baby Died"
Other children's books on Sibling grief
Links to other Kid's grief sites
Web Rings
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