Hints
for Bereaved Parents
Explaining the death:
A good rule of thumb is to keep explanations simple and clear.
Following are some examples of "explanations" that you might use to explain
to your children what has happened to the baby:
"The baby was not strong like you and she died."
"The baby was too little and he died."
"We don’t know why the baby died but we do know that you are
too big to die like the baby."
What not to say to children:
-
Avoid referring to the baby as ‘lost’. Young children lose things
all the time and find them again.
-
Avoid saying "God has taken the baby" because children might think
they will be the next to be taken.
-
Don’t imply that the baby was too good to live. The surviving sibling
might think they have to be bad or they will die too.
-
Don’t say the baby "Got sick and died" because children may
fear they too will die the next time they become ill.
-
Refrain from implying the baby is "sleeping" as the child may then
become fearful of dying whilst asleep.
-
Refrain from answering questions a child hasn’t asked. Children
are well able to ask questions if they want more information.
Saying goodbye:
Parents may wonder if their children will be okay to go to the
funeral. Iincluding the children is usually beneficial to both the
child and the family, as this parent found:
I didn’t want to distress my youngest child and wondered whether
to take her to the funeral. We did take her and we are now very glad
that we did because she remembers being there and remembers putting flowers
on the coffin. I believe we would regret it now if we hadn’t taken
her.
It was great having children at the funeral. They lightened
the atmosphere a lot. Some played hopscotch on the graves and
one of the little ones almost fell into our baby’s open grave. Having children
there seemed to make the funeral very normal and natural.
Children can help plan a funeral by:
-
Making a picture book about the baby.
-
Giving something to the baby at the funeral- a flower for the coffin,
a stiffed toy etc.
-
Reading a suitable book and making
suggestions from it
-
Choosing something for the funeral e.g. a favourite song,
story or poem.
How parents can help their bereaved children:
-
Do not to hide your tears from your children. If a happy event occurred
children would not be shielded from seeing their parents laugh so
the children should not be shielded from their parents’ tears. If
children are exposed to adults crying at sad times then they will learn
a valuable lesson, namely, that it’s okay to cry at times of
sadness.
-
Use this experience to teach their child/ren about death as an inevitable
part of life.
-
Reassure your child/ren that the baby’s death was no-one’s
fault. Many children have "magical thinking" and imagine they are
somehow responsible for the baby’s death.
-
Your child may not be able to tell you in terms other than
by their behaviour how they are feeling , e.g. when a child is tired he
may not be able to tell you he wishes to go to bed but you can tell from
his behaviour that he needs to go. Likewise a change in behaviour may indicate
the child’s non-verbal need for reassurance. Expect your child/ren
may act differently in the next few weeks and months. Such behaviour is
most likely linked to the baby’s death until proven otherwise.
-
Be lavish with your affection. Many children will feel confused or
upset. You may be unaware of the adverse effect your grief state is having
on your child/ren. You can offer a great deal of reassurance by hugging
and kissing your child a little more than usual.
-
It is okay to seek outside help in the form of family therapy if
you feel that you or your child/ren are having difficulty coping with the
loss.
-
Your children will be okay.
You will most likely find your children a benefit and a disadvantage
at the same time. Many bereaved parents are grateful that they have
a living child or children and yet they have a constant visual and (probably)
noisy reminder that there was a sibling who died. Plan some time together
away from the children every week to release built- up stress.
Children and Grief
How parents can help their bereaved child cope with
their baby's death.
The Children's Book "Our Baby Died"
Other children's books on Sibling grief
Links to other Kid's grief sites
Web Rings
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