Children
and Grief
Children
and GriefThe grief of a child is more complex than that of an adult, for a number
of reasons. If a child loses a parent, that parent is lost. A child
who loses a sibling loses not only that sibling
but also both parents, for a time. A child may find, following the death
of a baby, that one parent becomes ‘lost’ through divorce, because the
rate of family breakdown after the death of a baby is high.
Children revisit their grief as they mature. A 10- year old understands
and can process much more than a 5- year old. Psychological time is different
from chronological time in that when the child is ready there is
work to be done. A child who loses a sibling will revisit
grief many times before adulthood.
Grief is likened to an onion - as you peel away the layers it
makes you cry. But often children don’t often show their grief by
crying. One child, in talking of her own situation , exhibited behaviour
that is common:
I don’t like to show my emotions, if I cry it makes my mum cry and
I don’t like it when she cries.
Children generally want to protect their parents:
Its hard to talk to my mum because I hate to see her cry.
Children will use different media to express their grief. Adults can
help children by facilitating different modes of expression -drawing will
show you what the child’s grief looks like; making sounds or singing
will show you what it sounds like; movement or dance will show you what
it feels like. To help a child express grief through drawing, try using
a colour wheel.
Get the child to draw a colour wheel (pie chart) with emotions expressed
in different colours. Let the child choose the emotions (e.g. sad, angry,
confused, wounded, guilty, ignored, worried, mad, weird, irresponsible,
happy,) the colours that depict those emotions, the percentage of each
colour that the emotion arouses and the amount of ‘space’ on the colour
wheel that each emotion takes up. This activity can give the parents
an idea of how children are feeling. If the activity is repeated
after some time has passed it will be possible to see how the
children are progressing in their own grief.
Children don’t understand the difference between what they feel and
what they know so they can feel abandoned. One child expressed his vulnerability
by saying:
Children aren’t very protected.
Parents may be tempted to shield their surviving children from the trauma
of seeing their dead sibling but it is very important that this is not
done. Children are being taught constantly how to respond to the world
and life events by the way adults around them respond to these events.
If children are shielded from this life event then they will be poorer
for missing the experience. This experience will have an impact on them
whether they are shielded from it or not. Children are intuitive beings
and may be very well aware of what is going on. The baby cannot simply
disappear just because he has died. Something must be said to the children.
Children have a way of finding out if they have been lied to, even
years after an event, and therefore it is wise to tell the truth.
Surviving children should be allowed to come to the hospital to see
their dead sibling. They need to feel that the baby is a part of their
family.
When a baby sibling dies, parents and children need lots
of hugs. Living children can be such a comfort.
How parents can help their bereaved child cope with
their baby's death.
Hints for bereaved parents
The Children's Book "Our Baby Died"
Other children's books on Sibling grief
Links to other Kid's grief sites
Web Rings
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