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| WISDOM FOR AN AGE OF WISE GUYS * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking * Life's briefest moment is the time between reading the sign on the freeway and realising you just missed your exit * No one ever syas "It's only a game," when their team is winning * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive * A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory * After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said then done * Always remember that one effective way to deal with things that want to eat you is to taste terrible * The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a sign that says "No Exit" * If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before * Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm * Change is inevitable....Except from vending machines * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments * Everybody repeat after me....We are all individuals * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned * BIlls travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks * Everybdy wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die * Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back * Half the people you know are below average * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not the sport for you * Never criticise a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then it's pretty safe, since you're a mile away AND you have his shoes |
| SIGNS THAT YOU SUFFER ROAD RAGE * For lack of a more effective weapon, you find yourself threatening other drivers with the cigarette lighter * You exchange your Uzi with laser sighting for a "more serious weapon" * You've stopped wearing pants in the car to make it easier to moon tailgaters * Locals now have a hand signal for "Get off the road, that psycho's coming!" * On your license, under "restrictions", it says. "Valium Required" * That human looking hood ornament on your 4x4 is not "actually" an ornament * The only thing that calms you down is your trusty Megadeth CD * The need to wring Dr Laura Schlessinger's neck is just a bit more urgent than usual * You swear more before you get to work than most gangsta rappers do all day * You threaten to run over the person in front of you, even thought you're in line for communion * The car's a year old, but you're already on your fifth horn * Your saw blades don't work, your voice is out of sync with your mouth, and Speed Racer has just beaten you in another race * You've traded your plastic statue of St. Christopher for one of A C Cowlings * You'd flash your brights at that slow dumbass Jacob ahead of you if your buggy only had headlights * You've plowed more pedestrians than you've eaten hot dinners |
| SIGNS OF THE 00'S * You try to enter your password on the microwave * You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years * You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three * You email your buddy who works at the desk next to you * You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year * Your reason for not staying in touch with certain friends is that they do not have email addresses * You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person * When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner * When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get an outside line * You've sat at the same desk for four years - and worked for three different companies * Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro * You have your resume on a diskette * Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lost all of your best jokes * Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job * Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards * Board member's salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combines * It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer * You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire * You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor * Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet * You're already late on the assignment you just got * There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff members your department desperately needs but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy * Vacation time is something you roll over to next year * Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving * Your relatives and family members describe your job as "works with computers" * The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desktop And the clinchers are: * You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling * As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" email group |
| WHAT I'VE LEARNED * I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. * I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. * I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. * I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. * I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. * I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge boobs. * I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. * I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. * I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. * I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. * I've learned to say "F**k'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. |
| MORE TO BE ADDED SOON |
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| Microsoft Word Wizard |
| This one is for my bestfriend, Devena (I know you'd do the same for me too, D) RISKY FRIEND When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you When you smile, I know you finally got laid When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass When you are sick Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass This is my oath ........... I pledge till the end Why you may ask ....... Because you are my friend |
| AUSSIE JINGLE BELLS Dashing through the bush in a rusty Holden Ute Kicking up the dust esky in the boot. Kelpie by my side singing Christmas songs It's Summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs Oh ! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer day Hey ! Jingle bell, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut ! Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute Engine's getting hot we dodge the kangaroos When swaggie climbs aboard he is welcome too All the family's there sitting by the pool Christmas Day the Aussie way by the barbecue Oh ! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer day Hey ! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut ! Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute Come the afternoon Grandpa has a doze The kids and Uncle Bruce are swimming in their clothes The time comes 'round to go we take the family snap Pack the car and all shoot through before the washing up Oh ! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day Hey ! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut ! Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute |
| PERTH DRIVING RULES Turn signals will give away your next move, a real Perth driver never uses them Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow" The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Perth Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers Learn to swerve abruptly. Perth is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the Main Roads Department of WA, which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on the toes It is traditional in Perth to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes Seeking eye contact with another drive revokes your right of way Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding Remember that the goal of every Perth driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary Real Perth women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kmh in bumper-to-bumper traffic Real Perth men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75 kmh in bumper-to-bumper traffic Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously list rules. These weather conditions are Natures way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards and new vehicle sales There is a common held belief in Perth that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passenges. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Coobelup, Balga, Hilton, Koondoola and Maddington Always anticipate oncoming taffic while driving down a one way street It's OK when driving in Perth's North Eastern suburbs to air your grievance at bad drivers by giving the "one fingered salute" while screaming out "arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving at least a 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap |