Jokes that I think are funny

THE GREAT AUSSIE LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I dont' mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around
There's no sheila who is your age
Who has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy that
You've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nannas grave
Now the moment that we met
I thought u was a good as I
Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!

WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Sydney asking why you never write

You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!

You're always having to apologise to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death

You laugh out loud during funerals

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask

You begin to stop and consider all the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster (Well, it's a better conversationalist that the kettle)

You collect dead windowsill flies

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got it's wings!"

You like cats. Especially with tomato sauce

You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears"

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretent that you're a stalk

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry

"HOW TO KNOW WHETHER IT'S TIME TO HAVE CHILDREN" test

MESS TEST : Smear peanut butter on the lounge and curtains. Place a fish finger behind the lounge and leave it there all summer.

GROCERY STORE TEST : Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

FEEDING TEST : Obtain a big plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with cord. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug. Now dump the contents on the floor.

TOY TEST : Dump out a bunch of Lego in your main walk way, clean them up and dump them back out again. Repeat several times - all the while stepping on little pieces as you go.

THE FINAL TEST : Find a couple who have a child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerence, toilet training and child's table manners. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

DRESSING TEST : Obtain one large, very unhappy octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside

NIGHT TEST : Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 5 to 8 kilograms of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3.00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9.00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10.00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4.00 am. Set alarm for 5.00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful !

INGENUITY TEST : Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower

CAR TEST : Forget the expensive model car and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there ! Get a coin. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size pack of chocolate chip cookies, mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect !

PHYSICAL TEST : (Women) Strap a 10 kilogram bag of sugar on your belly and carry it around for 9 months. Now remove 1 kilo of the sugar. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes, you won't be wearing them for a while

PHYSICAL TEST : (Men) Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

* Drive to work in reverse
* Dance naked in front of your pets
* Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill
* Make a list of things you have already done
* Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
* Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like
* Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room
* Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out
* Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages
* When someone says "Have a nice day!" tell them you have other plans
* Start a rumour and see if you recognise it when it gets back to you
* Put your toddlers clothes on backward and send him/her off the preschool as if nothing is wrong
* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realise it
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day
* Try on bras over the top of your clothes
* Walk up to an emplyee in a store and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens
* Tune all the radio's to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles
* Put M&M's on layaway
* Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas
* Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners
* Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while picking you nose
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battefield with G I Joes versus the X-Men
* Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store
* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!! and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it

A MUM'S DICTIONARY

2-minute warning : When the baby's face turns red and he begins to make those familiar grunting noises

Amnesia : Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to ever make love again

Dumbwaiter : One who asks if the kids would care to order

Feedback : the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots

Family Planning : The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Full Name : What you call your child when you are mad at him

Grandparents : The people who think your children are wonderful even thougth they are sure you're not raising them right

Hearsay : What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Impregnable : A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid

Independent : How we want our children to be as long as they obey everything we say

Ow : The first word spoken by children with older siblings

Puddle : A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

Show Off : Any child more talented than yours

Sterilise : What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's by blowing on it

Top Bunk : Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas

Verbal : Able to whine to words

Whodunit : None of the kids who live in your house

Weekend : When dad gets to play golf while Mum catches up on laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc

Men know...that mother nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman
Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house
Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run
Men know...that there are at least three sides to every story : His, hers, and the truth
Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win
Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game
Men know...exactly how much petrol is left in the tank and how far that petrol will get them
Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself
Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage
Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them
Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi
Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your tather-in-law how good his daughter is in bed
Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there

WHY WE ARE ALL PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN CITIZENS

Only in Australia can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

Only in Australia is "you awake" the standard concept of foreplay

Only in Australia do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Only in Australia do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a Diet Coke

Only in Australia do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter

Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage

Only in Australia do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

Only in Australia do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

and the number one reason why we all should be proud to be Australian

Only in Australia do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor"

Stand proud Aussie's everywhere....!!!

HOW YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY

You woke up face down on the pavement
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgot your birthday
You wake and discover your waterbed broke and then realise you don't have a waterbed
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife / husband
Your income tax cheque bounces
You put both contact lenses in the same eye
Your pet rock snaps at you
Your wife say's "Good morning Bill" and your name is Fred