I'm at the PC office today. One of the volunteers has come up with a great idea. There is a 3 week break for schools between the middle of January and the begining of Feb. PC requires volunteers with this break to come up with activities during this time. I don't technically have the break but my director has agreed to allow me to participate. We don't have all the details worked out yet but what is will broadly encumber is a 2-day "camp" for children in 4-5 cities in the country (depdending on the number of volunteers in the group.) There will be games and arts and crafts and whatever else we can come with up with. I'm really excited to start the planning and the volunteers are required to develop a proposal for modest funds to support the activities. In addition to this project we are also planning our next vacation. Around January 20th (but it depends on the moon, like Ramadan) we are going to take a trip to Petra. Right now I'm working on locating hotels and activities while were down there. Its nice to have something to look forward to and seeing the other volunteers is always fun and adventurous :)
Christmas was not as difficult to get through as I thought it was but New Years was a bit rough. Because of the upcoming break (EIDE) we were allowed to go anywhere for New Years unless we took vacation time. We do get 2 vacation days a month but I do intend to take vacations around Jordan and outside of Jordan so I didn't want to "waste" a day. Plus I was against the requirement of taking a vacation day in order to not have to spend New Years Eve alone. I came to the PC office last week to pick up my mail and one of the staff persons convinced me to take a day and go visit one of my friends. So I did! We had a great time and it was probably one of my best New Years ever. It wasn't the activities so much so it was the recognition of the importance of holidays. I didn't appreciate them all that much in the states but when you don't have them, they are more special. New Years doesn't seem to be an important holiday here. Of course people with money do indeed go all out with parties that can be as expense of the equivolent of $200 US but people in the same cities and villages would never be able or willing to expend such funds for a party. Most people stay home with the families. Although I can't say for sure because I don't have a television, I'm not sure they are able to watch "the ball drop" since we are 7 hours ahead of the US. The only balls dropping would be in Iraq or Saudi Arabia and I don't know if they follow the same traditions. Maybe someone at home would be better able to tell me. :)
My mom and Karen called me at midnight my time and was able to countdown with me to the New Years. It was fun being in two different years for a few hours :) Unfortunately I wasn't able to call them at midnight their time because I had just gone to sleep 2 hours prior and just couldn't get up. The night was a good time and it does go to show that New Years can be celebrated without intoxication...unless you call a sugar high from Coke intoxicating LOL
So that was my New Years. My first New Years out of the states and one that I'll remember forever. I hope you all have a nice and safe holiday season as well.
Love,
Kelly
P.S. I updated my photos. I'm going to start putting pictures into a month folder to begin with and then move them eventually. This way you don't have to scroll through all the pictures and try and figure out which ones are old and which are new. Hope this works better :)
January 11, 2005
In addition to the website I also write in a journal almost everyday. Unfortunately I finished my last journal before I had time to buy a new one and was therefore without one for 2 days and I hate to admit that I was completely beside myself. Writing is just an excellent way to review a day's activities especially when you don't have people to talk about it with, and it also helps to look back on certain situations and remember how it was I felt during and after them. Timing for the journal was really difficult though because I lost my aunt at home and I couldn't write about it. For some reason paper here is hard to find and a little expensive so I didn't even have any paper in my house. I did find some old scraps with writing on one side that I was able to release some of my emotions on. My Aunt Patty died of complicated medical problems and although she was sick I didn't see it coming. My sister called me to tell me she feel into a coma and being so far away just complicated my emotions. The biggest one being guilt. I've lived a lifetime hiding my feeling and yet in Jordan I've unleashed my emotions to a greater degree during the emtional roller coaster ride of staging, training, and adjustment to my site. Although being able to express my feeling is good for me, a personal growth, being here I almost need to resort back to my old stoic days. My landlord, who I know was trying to be supportive and caring asked me "why are you sad, people die, babies born" (in english) She walked in on me crying and asked me this after I had walked to work and came home without going into my center. She knew that I was feeling guilty for being here and seriously considered going home. The Director at my Center was the same way. I didn't go into work one day (the same day i just wrote above) and the Peace Corps was suppose to call them because I was too upset to place the phone call. She called me to see why I wasn't at work. She knew my personal situation and I told her that I was sad and crying and she replied "so you are not coming today? " Women here, and I know I shouldn't make a generalization but many volunteers have had similar situations, are taught not to show their emotions. They don't openly mourn, although they get 3 days to do so, its more to receive guests that come to pay their respects. This is a cultural divide that I'm having difficulty work with. Perhaps American are a little extreme exhibiting their feelings but a balance somewhere in between would be nice. Not only with death but I find that there isn't too much cultural "exchange" - people here want you to act and speak culturally appropriate in order to respect their culture but not even tolerant of our cultural elements that we think are ok but they don't (dating, political views, etc.) All behavior is compared to their beliefs, regardless of where its happening - its either ok or haram (forbidden) - I've found women that listen to me when I speak of American culture but I'm never ever able to influence their thoughts. From everything from family to politics. They believe what they believe and thats that.
The volunteers have been an amazing support system for me. They've all text (message) and called me to see if I'm ok and to check up on me even days later. Two volunteers came and sat with me for a few hours on Friday since its our day off for the week. Peace Corps policy would have prohibited anyone from sleeping over without taking vacation time so we didn't even broach that subject. But I will say its incredibly hard to go through such an experience - alone. When your thinking of family, wanthing to be with them, to just be together, being alone is almost too much to bear. Its a situation where your completely surrounded by people but still are utterly alone, maybe even more alone than if your isolated.
I'm looking forward to our upcoming vacation. We have another Eide, a vacation period of 4-5 days, depending on the moon. This eide is "Eide AdHa" meaning Feast of the Slaughter. Families slaughter a goat or sheep (or camal) in honor of the big "Haj" Muslims make their pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) and on their safe return, the blood of a slaughtered animal is smeared on the door. Its a very religious period. My family here will be slaughtering 3 sheep - 1 in memory of their mother who passed away 7 years ago, 1 in memory of their brother who passed away, and 1 for the poor.
I'm also working on a cookbook for the next group of PC volunteers scheduled to come in July 2005 :) I also volunteered to input and analyze surveys that we had to complete but I have a feeling the PC think I was kidding about that LOL I was all prepared to create a database for easy entry and everything :) I know I have issues! Lately I've been creating budget sheets for volunteers to help them organize their spending. I even have a bar graph to watch my spending patterns. Good news though, I still refuse to the versatility of Micrsoft Excel - everything I do... is still by hand :)
I've been reading a ton of books but I still find myself gravitating towards Fiction - mostly detective or murder stories. There are a lot of books that I want to get through and I only have 21 months left! So I want to try and read one "smart" book a month. I started reading a Micro Economics book a few weeks ago but haven't really touched it much. Thats the first book on my reading list.
So.... July 7th marks 6 months that my mom and sisters dropped me off at the hotel in Washington DC...
and July 11th (TODAY) marks the day our plane touched down on Jordanian soil, (at 2 oclock in the AM) each of us with so many expectations and anticipations. Now we're 6 months in and in that very short period of time (1/2% of 1% of a lifetime if we were to live to be 100 years old) - We've all completely changed. Somethings for the better, some not - but regardless this is still an experience I'll never forget even if its only because the doctors in the mental institutions constantly ask me to go back to "THAT time..." LOL
For many volunteers we are experiencing a 6 month "hump." Collectively yet independently questioning our experience and our realistic role within it. I'm confident its just that, a hump, but if someone were to leave, I would be able to sympathize with their decision but no one wants to be THAT person but I am afraid that once one person opens the gate, there will be a flood. Although Jordan has the physical comforts of life, and maybe one of the cushiest worldwide (food, hot water, electricity, a roof, cell phone, and internet), emotionally its incredibily difficult and it proves that mind over matter does in deed guide our existence.
February 14, 2005
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