At this point in my life I find it hard to wake up in the morning. I don't want to go to school because it seems as though everywhere I go there are eyes, that look me up and down, telling me that they know my secrets and have every right to talk about me behind my back. I keep to myself and dress in dark, lonely colors to make myself feel comfortable. I don't want to go home because I see the pain I cause in my family and feel nothing but regret for the person who i've become. It's in my moms eyes, the saddness I cause in her life. So all I can or want to do is lay in bed to slowly shut out the emptiness of a long day at school and to ignore the tension, that is all my fault, at home. Locking out the world and my journal are the only two things that I believe will keep me somewhat sane. My room is the only place where I can cry without making everyone else feel sorry for me because, in my room, they cannot hear me when I choose to reject my life and their help.
1-16
I look in the mirror
and guess what I see
a person that is too
different from me.
I feel for her
to open up wide
to let everything out
to have nothing to hide.
To put a smile upon her face
a smile to take depression's place
To prove to the people
there's still someone inside
but she's scared to come out
so she stays in to hide.
Look at her face
things weren't meant to be bad
look at the tears she's crying
she looks so sad.
I wish nothing more
than to be dead
I have no purpose in this world
There's only struggles ahead.
Come down to earth
Take me away
I no longer want to be put on delay
I've lost my family
I've lost my friends
I've lost myself in the
depression that never ends.
So go on before me
and leave me behind
My time will soon come
To say goodbye.
My battle has come
It's been going for a year
My energy is running out
To give up is what I fear
It has taken over my body
It has taken over my heart
Pulling me away from the people I love
Tearing us apart
It's showing through my eyes
It's walking with my feet
This is the battle
I don't want to repeat
I'm not giving up
On myself I will depend
To fight off this sickness
Called depression
I can't watch you do this
throwing your life away
I can't watch you hurt yourself
waisting your life everyday
Things happen even
if it's not meant to be
Somethings you can't take back
I wish you could see
That life isn't perfect
but we can give it a try
to make each day a little better
it is way too soon to die
So come along with me
and we can face it together
if you leave me now
we can't be friends forever.
The sight of people scare me
my head is turning in circles
my stomach is nausiated
my body is floating
me eyes are heavy
my fingers are trembling
my palms are sweating
my knees shake
my feet are tired
my stomach has pains
I think i'm taking in
a little more than I can handle
I just need a little break
I am so tired. I'm sick of my friends. I am sick of my family, this school, my house. I just want to go away.
People trying to help me, but they just cannot get through to this hurt I feel inside and this loneliness that has subsided my heart to feel happiness. And I need you too, to feel this way if you ever want to understand what this life is like to live. If you want to give me happiness, then you need to feel pain every waking moment of every dreadful day. You have to know what it's like to dread one thing; waking up in the morning and wondering if you'll make it through the day. And I will bet you that the first day you try being like me that you'll be gone--back to your old life. And wondering why I stay like this. Why don't I change as you did so fast? I will just say that I have tried but cannot seem to find a way back to the ordinary life. I am not accustomed to happiness. And it seems as though I may never find a way out. My sadness comes too naturally.
My heart is heavy, my head is confused
My fingers are tired, my body is being used.
Who's doing this to me, please, let me go
You've had me trapped long enough, I have to let you know
Before I go crazy, as I almost did before
Do you need proof, i'm scared from head to toe
If that's not enough, what more proof do you need?
Listen to me devote my life to you, i'm begging you, down on my knees
I'm about to give up, I cannot go on
help me, please, before I am gone.
I don't know what I do wrong,I don't look for attention
I don't mean to be sad
I don't want you to be sorry for me
I don't mean to make you mad
I don't want to cry, I don't want to be mean
I don't want you to hate me
I don't want it inbetween
I don't mean to fall down, I don't want you to pick me up
I don't mean to be lazy, I don't want to give up
I don't want to be confused, I don't want to be me
I don't want to be you
I just want to be free.
