True Stuff--Quotes, etc.
These are true stories that have been emailed to me from friends and family. This page will be updated whenever I get new ones. I'm not the "me" or "I" in any of the following, unless I actually say so.
Tombstones--these are cute (or not so cute) epitaphs from real-life tombstones.
Anything related to Computers
Stupid Signs
In a health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
In an office:
After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
In a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
In a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. (This clearly belongs to the Mafia.:-) JPK)
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Also in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Quicksand warning:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned... By order of the District Council.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
The New York "Best Mix" radio station has a bunch of summertime gimmicks that attempt to boost listenership. One of them is "Ticket Tuesday," where listeners send in postcards with the tickets they want, and "Mix 105 takes care of the rest."
The idea is that you select the concert or play or whatever you want to see, rather than waiting for, say, Metropolitan Opera tickets to be given away to the tenth caller. Hmmm, right.
Unfortunately for the radio station, one metro-area listener took the instructions a bit too literally, and when her card was pulled, the promo department was forced to "take care of" her seven Manhattan parking tickets.
Texas Style
Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community."
The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology."
The resolution was passed unanimously.
Representative Moore then revealed that he had only offered the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salve was the Boston Strangler.
Bad Dog
Shirt Rolls Up Its Own Sleeves?
"The fabric is programmed to shorten as soon as the room temperature becomes a few degrees hotter," explains Susan Clowes of Corpo Nove of Florence. Clowes reveals the world's first shirt that rolls up its own sleeves when you get too warm... http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99991073
Supposedly True
The following concerns an authentic question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
'Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.'
One student replied:
'You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.'
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
'Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.'
'Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.'
'But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq. root (l / g).'
'Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.'
'If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.'
'But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.'
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel Prize for Physics. He also worked on the Manhattan project.
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
Remember: If you're not having fun, you're not doing it right !
Source: a hospital admissions clerk
Allergies
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.
Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas.
Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
“CAUTION: HANDICAPPED MAN EATING CROCODILE AT BOTTOM OF HILL”
One case where a name change shouldn't be optional...
Uhm. No comment.
When *my* daughter, Tracy, was about 5 she was helping me clean the garage and backed into a large chunk of broken bottle I had not noticed. She got a large, slash-like cut on her ankle.
While my wife was driving her to the Emergency room, she explained to Tracy that the physician would sew the skin back just like a dress or shirt would be repaired and all would be like new.
While they sutured the cut with many stitches, my wife had kept Tracy distracted so she did not see the repair until it was finished.
At the first look she became totally upset and uncontrolled with grief, because she did not realize that the sutures were to be removed at a later date.
"They used BLACK THREAD" she cried, "it doesn't match!"
*I* was working triage for a busy emergency room when a woman rushed in carrying a shoe with a spider squashed on its sole. Frantically she explained that she believed the spider was a black widow and it might have bitten her daughter.
Putting the spider in a specimen cup, I took it to the back desk, where a surgeon happened to be walking by. I told him it was thought to be a black widow. He took the spider out of the cup, laid it on the counter and poked at it. "Well," I asked, "what do you think?"
"I think it's suffered massive trauma to the abdomen and thorax," he said. "There's no chance for resuscitation."
*I* was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes. However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return.
A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So.. I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN
The justice department was trying a case against a company in New York, who had engaged the senior partner of the biggest law firm there, Alan Dean, to defend them. *My* father-in-law represented the Justice department.
There was a LOT of evidence and each side had their own idea about how to refer to the exhibits. My father in law went by the school of 1A, 1B, 1C, 2A, 2B etc, while Alan Dean went by A, AA, B, BB, BBB, C.
At one point, well into the trial, a piece of evidence for the defense was labeled "PPPP." The judge was about half asleep but this reference caught his attention.
Judge: Mr. Dean, what number was that exhibit?
Alan Dean: Pee pee pee pee your honor.
(the courtroom and judge giggles, every time pee pee pee pee is mentioned)
Judge: (smirk) Mr. Dean, please abbreviate your exhibit names from, for example, pee pee pee pee to 4P's.
AD: Yes your honor. I'd like to display the next piece of evidence.
Judge: What number would that be, Mr. Dean?
AD: 4Q, your honor.
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Texas Horseshoes...
Chevy Nova Award
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
Also see:
Last updated Saturday, August 18, 2001
Katie Tyson