True Archives 2
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS *I'VE* LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. However, when using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old .
11. Play Dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Automobile Obsession...
In case you thought you had a bad day, here are 6 examples of a really bad day:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
and finally.....
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, now! Your day's not so bad after all, is it?
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.
*I* was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus." So I thought about it a bit, and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.
I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red, you asshole!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green.
Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and *we* think he'll win.
In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of southern Indiana, there's a microcosm of all that is (and shall ever be) the Great Mid West. It's known as Brown County.
And if you want to know what's going on in Brown County, you only have to read the Sheriff's Log in the local paper, The Brown County Democrat. Heck, even if you don't want to know what's going on, you still read it for the comic relief!
This is a small collection of some of the actual phone calls received by the Sheriff's department in good 'ol Brown County, Indiana:
Man on Bellsville Road reported someone has knocked down his mailbox and then came back and ran over it.
11:14pm Man reports suspicious vehicle on Butler Road.
11:34pm Deputy reports vehicle had a couple of "lovers" in it. They were advised to pull the car off the road.
Man has found a couch hidden behind a wood pile.
Woman's washing machine has overheated. Woman's unplugged it, but it is still smoking.
Man is coming out of a man hole.
Person calls to ask if it is raining.
Man reports the covered bridge in Bean Blossom didn't feel right when he drove over it. County highway is advised.
Someone reports nude swimmers at Pikes Peak--two cars dispatched.
Trouble reported at the county dump. Someone abandoned a person there.
4:02am Caller reports a "boat just went through Morgantown at a high rate of speed," headed west.
Woman phones that she has "found a bull."
Man wanted to know if he could burn his house down. Was advised to talk to the fire department.
Man complains on phone of noise pollution from helicopter. He said sheriff department should stop the helicopter.
Someone on phone said, "I'd like to report a fire" and then hung up.
2:20pm Woman on 135 north suspects radiator may have been stolen from auto.
2:47pm Deputy reports radiator not stolen; woman was confused because radiator was not behind grill on transverse engine.
Man wants to know if sheriff would like to come watch his snakes eat.
Woman requests a deputy--her pussycat is sick and will not come out from under the bed. Deputy enroute.
Cattle are out; Sheriff enroute to help round up the herd.
4:11am Girls at a slumber party request assistance. Two deputies enroute.
Man advises there may be domestic trouble soon at his home.
6:41pm Woman on Three Notch Road phones that she accidentally grazed her husband while shooting hogs.
6:51pm Woman phones again to advise disregard earlier phone call. Says her husband received only a couple of small scratches on his chest from ricocheting shotgun pellets.
Man phones to say a dog has bitten his child. He shot dog and is taking its head to State Board of Health.
Monroe County said a woman wanted us to be on the look out for her husband who is drunk. She said she was worried about the car.
Man reports his son has run away with two girls.
Man reports he will be burning his sister's barn on Valley Branch Road.
Woman reports her husband may report his car stolen but she has it and he knows it.
Man complained that a neighbor has got a dog in heat and his dog left because of it. He was advised to call the Humane Society because there is not much you can do about Mother Nature.
A grouse flew through a window on Helmsburg Road setting off a burglar alarm, and cat ate the grouse.
Woman on Artist Drive reported varmits in their flue.
9:13am Eleven cows missing since last night on Green Valley Road.
9:42am Disregard on missing cows. They have come home.
Woman at Fruitdale complains that neighbor's dogs won't let her go to mailbox.
Man advises that his dog, which bit a person has been all right since then.
Man from Gnaw Bone advises that two unauthorized cows are on his property.
Woman reports she found a dead dog in her bed. Deputy investigates.
9:01am Cow is tearing up golf course.
4:20pm Man who reported cow tearing up golf course reports a heard of cattle is now on the golf course.
Woman reported several "sleazy" males at Long Mountain.
Woman reported a party going on at Helmsburg with a bunch of kids and that one girl is parading around in her nighty with a beer in her hand.
Woman reports car heading north from Stonehead. Two "scroungy" male subjects are in the vehicle driving very slowly. Also had a "tent-like affair" inside of car.
"Seedy" looking subject reported at the corner of Helmsburg Road and Jackson Branch Road.
Oak Ridge Road resident complains of car which has been "messing around" at night and early mornings.
Man requests deputy to tell his wife he has two buildings on fire and doesn't know when he will be home.
Prisoner released to the custody of father to register for college.
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. Here are some of the best transquips...
Q. What is your brother in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
During a visit to America, former Prime Minister Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."
On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog that *I* received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas). The description reads:
Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos. Unisex sizes. $52.
IRVINE, Calif. (AP) -- If Mir hits the bull's-eye, everyone wins a taco.
That's what Taco Bell is promising 281 million Americans if the core of the Russian Mir space station hits a floating target the fast food company will anchor 10 miles off the Australian coast.
``I don't know what the odds are,'' said Laurie Gannon, a spokeswoman for the Irvine-based company. ``Call Vegas.''
The 135-ton Mir is expected to come crashing back to Earth on Friday, ending 15 years in orbit. Russian controllers expect as much as 25 tons of Mir's wreckage will survive re-entry to hit a remote area of the Pacific Ocean well east of Australia.
One expert said the odds the station's core will come down on Taco Bell's 40-by-40 foot vinyl target -- emblazoned with the company's logo and the words ``Free Taco Here!'' -- are slim to none.
``They're not going to lose any money at all,'' said William Ailor, director of The Aerospace Corp.'s Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies.
Taco Bell estimates it would have to spend less than $10 million to give everyone in the U.S. a coupon for a free taco. Just in case, the company has purchased an insurance policy to cover the cost.
True story, as heard on "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder",3/3/97:
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum travelling velocity.
The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough. British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains.
However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
*My* wife and I were walking along in the Seattle-Tacoma airport last week. A group of three young women were approaching us from behind. We couldn't help overhearing the following fragment of their conversation:
YW#1: So, how'd she pick her nose?
YW#2: I don't know, with a Q-Tip, I guess.
YW#3: Eww, gross!
YW#1: No, I mean how did she tell the doctor what she wanted her nose to look like after the surgery?
It was very difficult for us to keep a straight face as they passed...
*I* was correcting the English in a report written by my roommate (who is Swiss-German and is here doing postgraduate work in educational psychology). She had written: "Mike prevented William from working by putting his hand over William's keyboard. Mike found this very sparingly and did it again and again."
I asked her, "What do you mean by 'sparingly'?"
She replied that she had originally written "funny", but when she ran the report through the grammar-checker on her computer, it told her that "funny" was trite and suggested "sparingly" as a substitute.
Baffled, I crossed out "sparingly" and wrote "amusing".
The next morning, it hit me: the grammar-checker must have said something like "The word 'funny' is trite. Use sparingly."
These are the winners of the "Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay" contest:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in
a dryer without Cling Free.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
A friend of *mine* received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice asked.
"With whom do you wish to speak?" my friend asked.
"Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inquired after a somewhat startled pause.
"Yes," my friend said.
"I have the wrong number," the caller said, and hung up.
“I’ve learned......”
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 82
I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. Age 73
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 29
I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply send them a little card. Age 44
I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. Age 7
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 41
I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
A policeman from Wayland, Massachusetts tells the following:
He and a friend went to Maine to go deer hunting. They didn't get any deer, but they did have fun.
They had brought with them an inflatable, man sized doll which they dressed in hunter's clothing and tied it to the hood of their car just before leaving to return home. They also had pullover head masks that looked exactly like a deer which of course they each put on, and then drove nonchalantly down the Maine turnpike.
To say that they caused a commotion would be an understatement. They even got pulled over by a Maine State Trooper who said that they were really doing nothing wrong, but told them they were leaving a trail of accidents behind and asked them to kindly remove the masks!
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!," he said, 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A teacher was discussing correct moral conduct and the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy said, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
For weeks, a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Building #19, a retailer in the Boston, Massachusetts, area, has always offered their shoppers free coffee. Recently, they switched from Styrofoam to paper cups. On the cups is this explanation:
Please Join Building #19 in our fight to save the endangered Styrofoam.
Herds of these peaceful creatures once roamed the plains of America, but now their numbers have dwindled to a precious few due to Mankind's shortsighted harvesting of them for their white insulated pelts.
So remember, as your fingers burn while holding this paper cup, that you're helping, in a small way to make the world a safer place for the friendly Styrofoams.
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought My own bath-sized Dial soap, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Kindly remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new chamber-maid to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. You may call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel For business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check- in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial soap is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-sized Dial! I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap! I don't want 54 little bars of Camay! I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial! Please give me back my bath-sized Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sized Dial. I was able to locate some bath-sized Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in my safety deposit box in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
One of the worst positioning of headlines occurred in the San Jose Mercury News on the day that former baseball player Dave Dravecky announced that he would have his arm amputated and the Chicago Bulls won the NBA title. Front page - Next to each other:
DRAVECKY TO LOSE ARM THE BULLS PULL IT OFF
This is supposedly true:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture.....of handcuffs.
In an effort to snag more long distance telephone calls (charged to a credit card or a third number), AT&T reserved the toll-free number 1-800-OPERATOR (when dialing, the final R is ignored). Not to be outdone, and perhaps knowing the public better, MCI reserved the number 1-800-OPERATER and has been cashing in on calls intended for its arch-rival.
Barnum, from Barnum and Bailey's circus, was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus.
Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him.
When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note which read:
Maine cherries are black.
There's a sucker born every minute...
Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)
True story, as heard on "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder",3/3/97:
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity.
The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough. British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains.
However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
Actual Business Signs...
In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a used car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Last updated July 16, 2001
Katie Tyson