True Stuff--Archives
About 10 years ago, *I* bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called "Canada Dredge and Dock." This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging contracts.
One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out when I discovered a red cylinder labeled "Emergency Flare" in one of the door pockets. I thought "Well, that's not a bad thing to have in the car." and left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire. I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation area north of Toronto, and the weekend in question was the combined Canadian July 1st and American July 4th holiday weekend. So the entire world was headed home on the same road.
I got out to change the tire and my brother-in-law said, "Have you got an emergency flare in the van?" I told him about the one I had found and he ran down the road a few hundred feet to set it up. I was under the van setting up the jack when I heard a loud pop. I looked out to see Ron running towards me yelling, "It's a marine flare."
That's right, Canada Dredge and Dock, being a largely marine based company, had left a marine emergency flare in their truck. In case anybody doesn't know, a marine flare is like a very powerful roman candle, shooting balls of light hundreds of feet up in the air so that drowning sailors will be seen by passing ships. They are NOT intended to be set off late at night on a busy highway.
The first ball had missed Ron's face by about 2 inches and the force had tipped the flare over onto the little mound that he had made to hold it in place. Now, as each ball came shooting out, the force would spin the flare on the little mound, so that no two went in the same direction. One of them shot right at us and passed between us as we stood no more than 5 feet apart. One of them shot back up the road at 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. One of them shot up into a farmer's field and started a small fire. Neither of us was about to go back and try to pick it up. Finally after about 7 or 8 shots, it stopped.
Amazingly, the shots that went up the highway came between platoons of traffic so nobody was hit, nobody even went off the road. Ron went and put out the fire, I changed the tire, and we drove to the nearest pull-off and sat there shaking for half an hour.
All shall have prizes
Apr 12th 2001
From The Economist print edition
EVERY so often academic squabbles are worth treating as more than just up-market versions of “The Jerry Springer Show”. Harvard University is having exactly such a squabble at the moment. The instigator is Harvey C. Mansfield, a political philosopher whose soft-spoken manner belies a taste for public controversy; the subject is the rampant grade-inflation under which so many American students now take it for granted that they will be given an A for work that 20 years ago would have got a C; and the debate he has set off is challenging the cloying culture of self-esteem that stretches well beyond Harvard.
The whole thing started when Mr Mansfield, whose tough grades earned him the nickname “C-minus”, declared that he was no longer willing to punish his students by giving them realistic grades. Henceforward he would give them two grades: an “ironic” grade that would go on their official records, and a realistic grade that he would reveal to them only in private. In this way Harvard students could enjoy the challenge of measuring themselves against real standards without having their gleaming resumés sullied. “Ironic” is a gentle word for Harvard’s grading system. About half of Harvard’s students get an A-minus or above. Only 6% receive a C-plus or lower. Some Harvard apologists justify this inflated system on the ground that their university selects the best and brightest. But aren’t grades supposed to establish relative merits? Aren’t “elite” institutions supposed to measure people against the highest possible standards? And aren’t serious teachers supposed to point out their pupils’ weaknesses as well as their strengths?
None of this would matter if Harvard were alone in taking the name of excellence in vain. But grade-inflation is almost universal in American education. Outstanding students are compared with Einstein. Abject failures are praised as “differently abled”. Even the hard sciences have started diluting their standards in order to compete with the humanities, where cheating is so much easier.
Why have academics allowed their standards to become so debased? Mr Mansfield provoked an outcry when he put some of the blame on affirmative action, the policy of providing places to some people on the basis of their race. University administrators accused him of making “divisive” charges without a “shred of evidence” to back them up. The divisive bit is certainly true, but Mr Mansfield could hardly provide the proof when the university administration keeps the relevant student transcripts under lock and key. He was simply relying on the only tools at his disposal: personal experience (he has been on the Harvard faculty since 1962) and circumstantial evidence: grade-inflation followed the introduction of affirmative action.
The debate about affirmative action is arguably a red herring. Three less controversial but much more pernicious things probably matter more. The first is the cult of self-esteem. For years fashionable educators have been arguing that the worst thing you can do to young people is to damage their sensitive egos with criticism. “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn,” goes a popular screed handed out to the parents of pre-schoolers. “If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate; if a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.”
This might be defensible when applied to the kindergarten. The trouble is that this therapeutic philosophy is spreading throughout the educational system. The idea is at the heart of “constructivist maths”, which emphasizes the importance of feeling good about maths, rather than mastering basic techniques. It is at the heart of “Ebonics”, which argues that black children should not be penalized for adopting “black speech patterns”. And it is at the heart of the “I love me” sessions that proliferate in American elementary schools, in which children complete the phrase “I am...” with words such as “beautiful”, “lovable” and “great”, when “spoilt”, “bored” and “violent” often seem more accurate.
Resisting this claptrap is made no easier by the fact that so many leftish university professors routinely argue that traditional standards are little more than tools of western oppression. But the second mighty force behind grade inflation is something conservatives normally praise: the marketplace. American universities are big businesses which can charge students in excess of $20,000 a year for the privilege of attending them. Students naturally gravitate towards institutions that are going to give them a return on their investment—the sparkling academic resumé that opens the doors to Wall Street banks or prestigious law firms. Professors who resist the demand for grade-inflation may find themselves embarrassed by empty classrooms. Student course guides provide plenty of details about how generously teachers grade.
The third force is the lack of interest that high-flying academics show in the humdrum business of teaching. People who care a great deal about something are obsessed with making precise judgments of quality: listen to the average sports fan, for example. But the road to success in modern academia lies through research rather than teaching. All too many academics are content to hand out A-grades like confetti in return for favorable teaching ratings and more time to devote to research.
Fixing grade-inflation will not be easy in a system in which professors rightly value their autonomy. On the other hand, there are some signs of change. Graduate schools such as Harvard’s Business School have manfully maintained their use of a rigorous grading curve. Some universities have experimented with putting two grades on report cards—the individual student’s grade and the average grade for the class as a whole. But perhaps the simplest argument for Mr Mansfield’s cause is that anybody who has ever been well taught knows that he is right. People who work under demanding taskmasters usually learn to respect them. People who are coddled with unearned A-grades despise the system they are exploiting. Living on a diet of junk grades is like living on a diet of junk food. You swell up out of all decent proportions without ever getting any real nourishment. And you end up in later life regretting your disgusting habits.
Here's the transcript of one Michael Shapiro's recent communication to Bigelow, inspired by a sampling of their atrocious "I Love Lemon Herb Tea."
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Dear Sirs,
I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products, to wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having recently sampled said item in a culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.
Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine for everyone who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home appliances. The only way this substance could be considered a "year-round valentine" is by taking the meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the open for a year, would be encrusted with congealed blood and covered with small, creeping insects.
This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace collections or counting one's own armpit hairs. I notice that the tea is classified as "Herb Tea" rather than an "Herbal Tea," and that Herb has traditionally been a name denoting banal, tedious people. Another tumbler of the Bigelow corporate lock falls into place.
The outer wrapper of the teabag - whose taste may be compared favorably to that of the tea itself - is colored yellow. One may conjecture that this represents some twisted attempt to conjure associations with other objects that R.C. Bigelow, Inc. regards as the paradigm of tastiness, such as fire hydrants, old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick glance at the packages of some of your other herbal tea products confirms our suspicions. One tea package depicts a small cat, playfully clawing a ball or mouse or small child, while your propagandistic legend assures us the paragon of beverages is contained within. What sort of baldfaced non sequitur is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat's.
In short, I find I Love Lemon Herb Tea a thoroughly detestable product, and recommend changing its name to I Used To Love Lemon Until I Drank This Herb Tea. In view of its exceeding worthlessness as a viable drink, it is difficult not to inductively extend this condemnation to include the entire product line of R.C. Bigelow, Inc. However, if I were sent a free sample of each of your other tea products, I might be able to constrain my loathing to this particular specimen, and not gallop through the streets of Pittsburgh howling obscenities about your company and your activities, which, as you know, it exceedingly deleterious to healthy public relations.
Sincerely,
Michael Shapiro
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They responded promptly, within a week:
Dear Mr. Shapiro:
I must say your letter was one of the more descriptive letters we have received. It is always unfortunate when ever we have a dissatisfied consumer and normally we will send them free coupons in order to try and better satisfy their needs with many of our other products. However, in your case I feel you have reached a point of no return. My only recommendation to you is try Celestial Seasonings, they offer a very nice lemon tea. Perhaps they will have better luck pleasing you.
Thank you for taking the time to share with us your tremendous displeasure. We continually try to improve our products, and each letter does mean a great deal to us.
Sincerely,
Ms. Bigelow
Operations Manager
DARWIN AWARDS
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For those who don't know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person (people) who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way, thus enhancing the gene pool by their absence.
The 2000 nominees were:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, a managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 pm. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No.8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
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Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 Years old. Hateful little dog.
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Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
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Free puppies...part German shepherd - part stupid dog
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German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
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Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... Been out awhile.. Better be reward.
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1 Man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
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Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
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Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
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Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
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Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
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Star wars job of the hut -- $15
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Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
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Full sized mattress.20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
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Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
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For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
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Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubbie
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Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
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Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
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Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
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Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
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Harrisburg postal employees gun club
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Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.
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Nice parachute: never opened - used once slightly stained
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Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
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American flag 60 stars - pole included> $100
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Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
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Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs -$175.
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Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
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Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
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Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
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Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
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Gas cloud clears out taco bell.
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Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee & donuts
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Kellogg's pot tarts - $1.99 box
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Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
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For sale by owner complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 Or best offer, no longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
These are stories and test answers accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.
TAKEN FROM ACTUAL GTE EMPLOYEE JOB EVALUATION SHEETS
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (one of my personal favorites)
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."
15. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
16. "He's been working with glue too much."
17. "He would argue with a signpost."
18. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
19. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
20. "When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."
21. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
22. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
23. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
25. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
* Better to be safe than.............punch a 5th grader
* Strike while the ........................bug is close
* It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings time
* Never underestimate the power of..........termites
* You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
* Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
* No news is................................impossible
* A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
* You can't teach an old dog new............math
* If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
* Love all, trust...........................me
* The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
* An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax
* Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
* Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
* A penny saved is..........................not much
* Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
* Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............you have to blow your nose
* None are so blind as....................Stevie Wonder
* Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
* If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
* You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
* When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
And the favorite...
* Better late than..........................pregnant
Last updated July 16, 2001
Katie Tyson