MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman - Leftover wine??
Oh and remember---A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Look into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME!!!!!!'
Go into a fitting room and yell real LOUD "We're out of toilet paper in here!"
A CAT always hits the litter box.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
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