Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

> >Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to > >lights and darks. > > > >Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the > >way, cover up any exposed areas. > > > >Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more > >sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. > > > >Get in the shower. > > > >Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice > >stone. > > > >Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. > > > >Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. > > > >Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. > > > >Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. > > > >Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. > > > >Rinse conditioner off hair. > > > >Shave armpits and legs. > > > >Turn off shower. > > > >Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. > > > >Spray mold spots with Tilex. > > > >Get out of shower. > > > >Dry with towel the size of a small country. > > > >Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. > >Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see > >husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. > > > >Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: > > > >Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a > >pile. > > > >Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at > >her while making the woo-woo sound. > > > >Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener > >and scratch your ass. > > > >Get in the shower. > > > >Wash your face. > > > >Wash your armpits. > > > >Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. > > > >Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. > > > >Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. > > > >Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs! stuck on the soap. > > > >Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. > > > >Pee. > > > >Rinse off and get out of shower. > > > >Partially dry off. > > > >Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the > >whole time. > > > >Admire wiener size in mirror again. > > > >Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. > > > >Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off > >towel, > >shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. > > > >Throw wet towel on her pillow. > > > >If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, > >there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! > > > >Oh, and....woo woo!!!

HER DIARY: Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were so mewher e else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road... They pass each other.. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells back out window, B I T C H Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought for The Day: If only men would listen........

time to call it a nite? 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are 2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead ang wiggling your bottom while yelling,'She Bangs She Bangs' is truly the hottest dance move around! 3. You've suddenly decided that you want to fight someone and you honestly believe that you could do it too! 4. In the last trip to the toilet you realised that you now look more like a drag queen than the goddess you were just 4 hours ago. 5. You drop your 3am burger on the floor then pick it up and continue eating it. 6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than 3 hours til you are due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper spiritual side to the freak sitting next to you. 9. The man your flirting with used to be your biology teacher. 10. The urge to take off items of clothing,stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. Your eyes just dont seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks really exotic.

a bottle of wine.. Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern > Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of >the road. > > As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked > the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod >of thanks, the woman got into the car. > >Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk > with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, >looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, >until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. > >"What in bag? asked the old woman. > >Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got >it for my husband." >The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. >Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade." LOL

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself: Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open LOL

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made loveto on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher" LOL

girls night out The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. > Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos- MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem annoyed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, >farted and tripped over the coffee table. LOL ps got that in the mail didnt happen to me :)