The Death Of The Too Much Fun Club


"It never got weird enough for me."
-Hunter S. Thompson

Thompson was always good for a nice ball-grabbing quote... & this has long been one of my favorites. The Good Doctor has been heavy on my mind of late, mainly because of the recent election & all the fun i'm sure he would have had with it. But this quote has been rattling around in my head quite a bit lately as well. The older i get, it seems the more apropos the quote becomes. This is mainly cos in never HAS gotten weird enough for me... even when shit was REALLY weird. Even when things were unbelievable, it was never TOO weird. This came to mind recently while i was alone in my apartment, smack-dab in the middle of getting fall-down drunk on a bottle of cheap whiskey & contemplating such warm & fuzzy subjects as suicide, depression & the absolute failure my life is in serious jeopardy of becoming.
About a year ago, i made the decision to leave Michigan, where i had lived for the past ten years or so, & move back to Ohio - land of buckeyes, front license plates & asshole cops. At the time i needed badly to get the hell out of Michigan & away from the Demons that seemed to be haunting me there... & i thought plopping down in Ohio, where i have friends & family, would help. And, in many ways, it has. But still, there's been an odd malaise enveloping me ever since i settled into my apartment in Toledo. Some sort of itch that i just cannot scratch... & for months now i hadn't really been sure what was causing it.
For about two & a half years after i got divorced, up until i left Michigan, i lived in a small apartment in Ypsilanti. For the most part, all i did in that time was work, write & drink. Although i did manage to accomplish a few things - like finish my degree (after only a decade or so), write a book (a very bad one, but one none-the-less) & reconnect with some of my family - i spent a majority of that time running myself ragged in a balls-out attempt to completely destroy myself. A queer clich� like "burning the candle at both ends" doesn't quite fit, as it seemed i was content to just throw the candle in the fire.
During this time, about the only people that lived near me that i hung around or went out with were an amazing & eclectic collection of derelict alcoholics, sex-crazed drug fiends, degenerate gamblers, petty thieves, chronic masturbators & general Freaks of all colors. Some were people i worked with, some were people i knew from my hometown & some were just incidentals i happened to pick up in my Tasmanian Devil-like cloud of destruction & degeneracy. Some were good people turned Wrong, some were all-around Scum & some were just looking for a good time... but each one of them were most definitely card-carrying members of the Too Much Fun Club. Most of these people were not really my friends... nor would i ever want them to be.
Now, i realize how utterly condescending that last paragraph sounds, but make no mistake - i do not think, nor do i mean to imply, that i am any better than any of these people. I am nothing if not a hypocrite. Truth be told, in many ways i am probably much, much worse. Throughout my life i have been a tourist in many places & many situations that i simply did not belong in... & my tenure in the Too Much Fun Club was no exception.
This period for me was marked by an incredible juxtaposition of the Banal & the Unbelievable. I would say about 97% of that time was about as mundane & boring as you could possibly imagine. However, the other 3% was an astonishing shittrain of degradation & mass Weirdness. Whether it be party-hopping in downtown Detroit the weekend of the Super Bowl or doing a boatload of drugs in the Detroit Marriott with a bunch of people i didn't know or picking a fight with a reporter after a Tigers playoff game or driving someone else's car across a cornfield or getting involved in some sort of odd orgy while watching the college football National Championship game or going MMA on a couple guys hitting on my co-worker's girlfriend or running barefoot across eight lanes of highway traffic while completely blitzed out of my mind or shooting up some unlucky dolt's barbecue with buckshot or laying down in the middle of a busy intersection cos i couldn't walk any more or just simply getting into a mental state where i actually named my sideburns.
It seems the common denominator in most of these situations was usually either booze, drugs or a complete willingness to put myself in dangerous & stupid situations with no regard for my personal well-being or the safety of the people around me. Or any combination thereof... & usually all three. As i said before, i was doing my best to destroy myself. I seemed to live in a perpetual state of mental breakdown during that time... & about the only time i felt sane was when i got the hell out of the state to visit my family & old friends.
I made a couple trips out to New Mexico to see my parents, the occasional stops in Akron to see my sister, monthly or so trips to Tiffin to have lunch with my grandparents. I caught up with friends in places like Columbus & Lexington & Perrysburg & Chicago. My most frequent escape, however, was a 50-minute drive down U.S. 23 into Toledo, many times for nothing more than a chance to sit around with some good friends, drink a few beers & bullshit for a few hours. Looking back on it now i realize that, for the most part, jetting down to Toledo was a return to Normalcy for me... a confirmation that i could still interact with people without being a complete lunatic.
So now, a good five or six months after finally settling down in my own place here in the Glass City, i've found myself in some sort of king-hell Funk that in all likelihood i began to groove the second i left Michigan. But what caused this melancholic douche? Is it the location? No, Toledo is not much different from Ypsilanti. Depression? No, that's been with me for most of the past decade & a half. The fact that i'm broke? No, i've had the wrongness of my disinterest in money shoved in my face by the likes of my ex-wife & my mother for years. No... it turns out the answer is much simpler & much more idiotic - the Weirdness stopped. When i left Michigan, i washed my hands completely of the Too Much Fun Club... & it's taken me some time to realize (& admit) it, but i miss the Weirdness.
I can honestly say, without a doubt, i have some of the greatest friends in the world. They're an intelligent (well, mostly), funny & interesting group, to say the least. However, any more, it is only on the very rarest of occasions that any of them crank up the Crazy. That is not to say that they are boring... i almost always have a good time hanging out with my friends. But most of these people have jobs. Kids & families. Mortgages. In a word - RESPONSIBILITIES. All very legitimate & very real reasons for not going on month-long benders, or jumping off a house into a swimming pool, or doing coke in the bathroom of some dive bar, or driving while you're so drunk that you go the wrong way down a one-way street.
Not that i could lay blame on any of them even if i wanted to. Since i left Michigan, i have had neither the energy nor the interest to get into that Space. In fact, since i've moved in, i've found it hard enough to even muster up the initiative to leave my apartment. I have grown stale sitting in a hole i dug all by myself.
All that being said, however, there is little chance that i would ever go back... & there really isn't any part of me (with maybe the exception of a small sliver of masochist in me) that wants to. I could have very easily stayed in that Place & given up on my life. As blank as i may feel at times now, i at least have options. Keeping my membership in the Too Much Fun Club would most certainly have ended badly. As it is, i'm amazed i didn't end up dead, crippled, in jail, or just a full-fledged Junky. Of course, after two and a half years of doggedly trying to kill myself, i now have a bad feeling i'm going to live forever. Such is the Curse of the Bad.
I guess it's the prospect of "getting old & boring" that scares the hell out of me. I've never been good at juggling Fun & Maturity... & at a time in my life when i should be getting better at such things, it seems the line is as blurred as it's ever been. It's a tightrope... & i'm a bulldozer. In the end, it's up to me to find the happy medium. Or, at the very least, a brand of Fun that is not so damaging to my mind &/or body. It's hell growin' up, but we all must... a little. Bogs is dead, ladies & gentlemen... long live Bogs...
-cpb 12/31 {link}

Uhhhhhh... never mind that last post. I was smoking crack this morning. And smoking dope. And taking anti-psychotics. And pro-psychotics. And i bumped my head. I had amnesia. And a hangnail. I wasn't thinking right... i swear it...
-cpb 12/28, 4:28 PM, EST {link}

"My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."
-Rod the Bod

I have a feeling this is going to be the week. I've only said this ten or twelve times already this year... but this time i can REALLY feel it. I think the Lions are going to post that first W.
Then again, what do i know? After the first week of the Bowl Season i'm only 4-7 in my bowl picks. Of course, i do have another 30 or 40 bowls to turn it around...
-cpb 12/28, 10:10 AM, EST {link}

I know the first Bowl Game isn't for another week, but i'm not going to know any more in a week then i do now, so i'll throw out my Bowl picks now. I'm 74-46 over the past four years... about 62%. Not great, but good enough to keep me in the majors. I don't really know what the hell i'm talking about, so i'll just stop. Read 'em & weep:

EagleBank Bowl: Navy over Wake Forest
New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State over Fresno State
St. Petersburg Bowl: South Florida over Memphis
Las Vegas Bowl: BYU over Arizona
New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss over Troy
Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State over TCU
Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii over Notre Dame
Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan over Florida Atlantic
Meineke Car Care Bowl: North Carolina over West Virginia
Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin over Florida State
Emerald Bowl: California over Miami (FL)
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois over Louisiana Tech
PapaJohns.com Bowl: NC State over Rutgers
Alamo Bowl: Missouri over Northwestern
Humanitarian Bowl: Nevada over Maryland
Texas Bowl: Rice over Western Michigan
Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State over Oregon
Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force over Houston
Sun Bowl: Pittsburgh over Oregon State
Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt over Boston College
Insight Bowl: Kansas over Minnesota
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Georgia Tech over LSU
Outback Bowl: Iowa over South Carolina
Gator Bowl: Nebraska over Clemson
Capital One Bowl: Georgia over Michigan State
Cotton Bowl: Texas Tech over Mississippi
Liberty Bowl: East Carolina over Kentucky
International Bowl: Buffalo over Connecticut
GMAC Bowl: Ball State over Tulsa
Rose Bowl: USC over Penn State
Orange Bowl: Cincinnati over Virginia Tech
Sugar Bowl: Utah over Alabama
Fiesta Bowl: Texas over Ohio State
BCS Championship Game: Florida over Oklahoma
[15-19/4-1]
[89-65/14-9]
-cpb 12/13 {link}

This past weekend i was overcome with a strong urge to watch the movie Trainspotting again. Besides the fact it's one of my 15 or 20 favorite movies & the fact i've had a strong urge to shoot heroin into my eyeball lately, i got the itch Saturday night when a friend of mine insisted that The Killers' song Mr. Brightside sounds like the Underworld song which is played at the end of the film. I don't read that myself, but we're all special & so is my friend. REAL special.
Anyway, it dawned on me while watching the movie that the cast is ALL OVER the television lately. Jonny Lee Miller (Sick Boy) is starring in his own show & Kevin McKidd (Tommy) is now a regular on Grey's Anatomy (yes, i watch it... screw you for judging me!). Then last week, Ewen Bremner (Spud) was on an episode of My Name Is Earl & i saw an old episode of Alias with Kelly Macdonald (Diane) in it. And to top it all off, about a month ago i came across some British mini-series playing on PBS called The Last Enemy that starred none other than Robert Carlyle (Begbie).
And there you go. I have no ending for this, so i'll politely make a fart noise & leave the room...
-cpb 12/8 {link}

Ho, ho, mother-fucking HO! Christmas is still three weeks away, but i feel like it's been here for a month. Hot damn, i LOVE the Holidays! No, wait a second... no i don't. My mistake.
Oh well, i'll try to keep the complaining to a minimum this year. In fact, i wasn't going to complain at all, but this past week i've had to suffer this idiot at work that insists on listening to the radio station that plays ALL christmas music. I have only one thing to say about this - FUCK christmas music.
I've never been a big fan of christmas (well, at least not since i stopped getting G.I. Joes for presents), mainly for two reasons. 1) I'm not a religious person, and B) I've never enjoyed sucking the cock of crass commercialism. That, however, has nothing to do with my complete abhorrence of about 98.7% of all christmas music. The thing i don't like about most christmas music is that it's BAD music. It's horrible. Most of it is glossy, severely over-produced schlock. Plus, i hate boy bands, i'm not a big fan of crooners & women who feel the need to hold notes for WAY too long annoy the hell out of me.
This music is crap, ladies & gentlemen... & just cos they're singing about chestnuts & sleigh bells & Santa's beard does not make it okay.

And to show that i don't hate ALL x-mas music, here are a few things off the top of my head that i do like:

--David Bowie & Bing Crosby singing Little Drummer Boy : awkward, but awesome.
--You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch by Thurl Ravenscroft : or Boris Karloff's narration of the movie.
--Pretty much anything off The Jethro Tull Christmas Album : not exactly "christmas" music, per se, but an excellent album.
--The Muppets singing The Twelve Days Of Christmas : who doesn't love the Muppets?
--2000 Miles by The Pretenders : who doesn't love Chrissie Hynde?
--A Charlie Brown Christmas by the Vince Guaraldi Trio : screw anyone who doesn't like this.
And last... & certainly least...
--That ultra cheesy Paul McCartney song : i hate myself for liking this song... but i do, goddamnit. I do.
-cpb 12/4 {link}

The posts have been few & so have i. This economy is kickin' everyone in the balls... & THE Experience is no exception. Soon we'll be out of business, just like everyone else. Sigh.
Anyway, i've got two fatty-fatty-fat-fat little nuggets that have been added to The Reef section of The Corner recently, calling themselves The Once & Future & It's Discourse & Bloody Well. Good news is, i've rediscovered the ampersand. Enjoy?
-cpb 12/3 {link}

Ohio State v. Michigan - catch the excitement?

Well, it's about seven hours until kickoff of the "Big Game"... & i couldn't be less interested. I'm not a huge Buckeye fan, so i never really have that much of a rooting interest, but i usually look forward to the game because it's usually a good-ass game. But i've got a bad feeling this year is going to be excruciatingly boring. And not just because Michigan is horrible, but because they're BORING. And Ohio State is BORING. And, quite frankly, so is the entire Big Eleven. Football in the Midwest has crapped out a huge shit sandwich & we've all gotta take a bite. I have no idea where i'm going with this, so i'll digest.
To be honest, i could see this game being either extremely close, or being a total blowout. I'm leaning more towards the latter:

Ohio State: 38
Michigan: 10

And although i do always root for OSU, i'd like to see UofM win, just so that Michigan State can go to the Rose Bowl after they beat Penn State this afternoon. I'd hate to have to watch Ohio State get boatraced by USC one more time.
-cpb 11/22, 5:04 AM, EST {link}

Well, it looks as though my World Series prediction was spot on. It's just too bad Philadelphia didn't burn down. Hopefully i can keep the magic going. I've got Obama on Tuesday... even giving McCain 30 electoral votes. Shit's on... place yer bets...
-cpb 11/2 {link}

Something new? Yes, another poem. For some reason recently i've been on the poetry kick... trying to see if i could write a good poem. From the looks of this & the last, i guess the answer is no...
-cpb 10/27 {link}

Well, well... how about those Rays? I didn't get to watch the first six games of the ALCS cos they were on TBS & i'm a cheap-ass, no-cable-havin' bastard. Luckily, though, i got to watch game seven... in a hotel room, some 50-odd stories up in the Ren Cen in beautiful downtown Dee-troit, Mee-chigan. And to top it all off, i watched the last out while laying in bed with another man... who happens to have better hair, a better car & a better job than i. And probably a better personality, although this has never been confirmed. I'm going to let this story tail off & leave it necessarily ambiguous. I hear that nothing drums up publicity like a good gay rumor.
Anway...
I have to admit, i didn't think Tampa Bay had the pitching to get past Boston, but i'm glad i was wrong. As for Philly, i knew they had pitching... i just didn't realize how much. I like the fact the Rays have a shorter lay-off, plus the fact they're too young & dumb to be nervous, but i think the Phillies will beat them in five. I hope i'm wrong again.

Wha-what? There's more?
Of course there is! And a poem, of all things - The Erlenmeyer Squeeze. What does it mean? I have no idea... but as for the title, i did just watch the first season of The X-Files again...
-cpb 10/21 {link}

MLB Playoffs... catch the, uh... fever?
Alrighty, League Championship action. Yee-haw. Let's see here, i've got:
Philadelphia over Los Angeles in seven &
Boston over Tampa Bay in five.

However, i reserve the right to take a flier on the Philly pick (no hockey pun intended) if LA wins tonight. Derrick Lowe is the KEY. BET ON IT! No... don't. Wait... YES - do. GAMBLIN'!
-cpb 10/9 {link}

Wow... what an exciting night, huh? Did you catch that unbelievable exchange between that one dude & that one chick? Those of you that saw it knows what i'm talking about... & those of you that missed Ben Folds with special guest Regina Spektor on Conan O'Brien are just gonna need to kick yourselves straight in your faces. And for those of you that did see it, was that Jason Sudeikis having all that trouble playing the trombone? Or was that Ed Helms? Well, whatever... the fact is i wanna have Regina Spektor's babies. If it wasn't for Norah Jones, i'd say she's the hottest chick in music today. But i digress...

In all seriousness, though, i did watch the Veep Debate tonight... &, oh boy! Does the fun ever start? I'll admit, the Sen & the Gov both presented themselves well... unfortunately VP debates are about as useful & important as tonsils & tailbones. I've got more thoughts on this, but they are needed elsewhere. Selah.

In more important news, though, the MLB playoffs kicked off yesterday. I was going to get on with some predicts, but i didn't have the time... & after these first couple days it seems just as well. For the most part i have no rooting interest (thank you, Tigers/Indians/Braves, you fucking assholes). However, i am part of the BE [Baseball Elite], so i'll still be interested. I was rooting for the Brewers, cos at heart i'm an American League guy (for those of you who are not BE, Milwaukee used to be an AL team) & Paul Molitor was one of my favorite players... but it looks as though the Brew Crew are going to be 3 & out. Oh well, i guess i can pretend that Philadelphia isn't a stinking, dirty-ass shithole town... or that i knew &/or cared that Tampa Bay changed their name this year from the Devil Rays to the... wait for it... yeah, the Rays. Sigh... Bobby Higginson, where have you gone?
-cpb 10/3 {link}

As i lie awake in bed staring into the dark map of my room, listening to some Stan Getz song i couldn't even pretend to know the name of, a hundred years of memories came bubbling by. The life i had lived was a mere fantasy... paths not taken & decisions not made were being shaken & set loose. Things are different when Time is no longer a factor. Sleep is laughed off & Maybe is either a promise or a curse.
Visions cascade & jump in two's & three's & you must choose the trains of thought quickly & wisely. Absolutes are thought of, dissected & dispersed. Opinions made a flow of... barking orders into a giant megaphone litmus test. Remember to pull the anchors up in the shallows.
The soft spots become tender to the touch... & it won't be long until the whole is big enough to walk through. The path is lined with bricks adorned with the most beautiful of faces & the Sirens are never as dangerous as in the Books. Your senses are dulled, detail-wise. As overwhelming as it all can be, there is no reason you can't shut a window or flick a light switch. Just choose.
In a manner of speaking, it's Life rewound... bound & gagged again. Calling all stars into place & we'll see if we can remember it all when the sun comes up. Actual is lame & Real is a grand gesture on the part of many. Believe the things you see in the dark. As the ground swells, so does the part of Light, Space & Time. And in the end, Time is the only factor.
I'm alone again & dreaming of the girl with the blood-red lips & a tear streaming down her olive cheek. The window is open & the stars are deafening tonight. I'm alone & so is she... & that's just The Way. The way it is tonight & a thousand little leaves on a thousand little trees hardly know the difference...
-cpb 9/30 {link}

Drinking The Koolaid, Part Two (The Elephant In The Room)

Okay, maybe i was wrong. Maybe fireworks are not better than balloons.
Anyway, i just got done watching John McCain's acceptance speech. Even though i told myself i'd be objective, i just couldn't help feeling skeevy & dirty for having seen it. That shit is just so goddamn FAKE. Don't get me wrong, the crowd in Minneapolis was no more fake than the crowd in Denver... i guess the Dems are just more convincing actors. Teary-eyed admiration is hard to feign, but like most superficialities, the Dems just do it better.
But let's look on the bright side... if Johnny does win, Sarah Palin will be the hottest trim in the White House since Eleanor Roosevelt. I know El was not much of a looker, but she was a staunch lesbian & a True sex fiend... & that's a goddamn Score in my book, especially when it comes to politics. There was a reason FDR slept so soundly, even with the weight of the world resting on his little polio shoulders - & it wasn't just his clear conscience. It was more that he didn't have to worry about pleasing a 60 year-old woman in bed every night, cos El was down the hall in the Lincoln Bedroom with Lorena Hickok & a top White House aide, whose sole job was to turn the crank on the manual-powered wooden dildo they were enjoying. Yeah.
Word from the Obama camp is that family matters are off limits, which i hope stays the case. I'd hate to see another embarrassing "Mr. Cheney's lesbian daughter" moment in the debates. It does make you wonder, though, if McCain knew his VP's daughter was a godless heathen. It's not quite George McGovern finding out Thomas Eagleton was in a nuthouse, or George I finding out Dan Quayle couldn't spell... but it is something interesting for the press to beat to death for a while. I guess the "teaching abstinence" thing really doesn't work. Who knew?
As far as the speech, i really didn't pick much up besides the fact that Johnny was a POW & is now a Maverick. And that McCain isn't much of a speaker. Which is probably a good thing for him. That way the Republicans can more easily slam Obama for being a slick talker... which he is. However, as some analyst pointed out (i believe on PBS... i can't really remember), three of the last four Republican presidents weren't much for giving a rousing speech. Good ol' Dutch was the only exception to that.
And what would the Republican National Convention be without bringing up Ronwell. The late journalist Hunter S. Thompson once said of Ronnie, "I had a soft spot in my heart for Ronald Reagan, if only because he was a sportswriter in his youth, and also because his wife gave the best head in Hollywood." He was talking about the 70's, of course - long before Bill moved his humidor into the White House. And even the head Billy-Boy got is nothing compared to what the lobbyist & oil men are doling out now-a-days. Let the good times roll, indeed...
-cpb 9/5 {link}

Drinking The Koolaid, Part One (Monkey Wash Donkey Rinse, or: Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead)

As i said a week ago, i love the Summer Olympics. Of course, what i failed to mention was the dark underbelly of the Olympic Season... & that is the fact that it is always followed shortly by our two major Party Conventions. The Democratic & Republican National Conventions are quite possibly the most atavistic fuckarounds of these modern times, with maybe the exception of the SAG Awards... or any episode of The Tyra Banks Show.

I watched a little bit of each day of the Demo Convention last week... for whatever reason. I saw Jesse, Jr. trying his damndest (unsuccessfully) to not sound like his father, Tedward trying to remind us that he could have won in 1980 & Bill Richardson fiendishly reminding us that he, too, is a minority. Just remember that in eight years, folks... right? I'm a minority, too... okay? Hillary actually gave a pretty good speech, be it through clenched teeth or not, but the best part of her time was the camera focusing on Michelle Obama's Don't-Fuck-This-Up-Bitch expression... Hil's peach pant-suit not withstanding. The highlight of the first three days, however, had to be good ol' Bill. That motherfucker is such a goddamn PIMP!

The festivities at Mile High were more of the same jerking off, but at least the DNC knows how to put on a good show. Fireworks > Balloons, indeed. And just in case you didn't know it, Stevie Wonder loves you. But in the end, the DNC needed to remind America this week was about Barack Obama. Not just a silly excuse for party leaders & underlings to invade Denver, consume copious amounts of drugs & alcohol, then suck, fuck & fondle any & every hole they could get their grubby little mouths &/or genitals on &/or into. I think we've gotten off point here. Anyway, there's no question that Obama gives good speech. The question now is whether he's got the balls & the know-how to set his plans in motions. Or, more to the point, if he can convince America of this. It should be an unbelievably annoying & boring two months...


{Coming soon: Part Two... The Darkside!}
-cpb 9/1 {link}