| Clinton Jokes |
| Question 1: What do a soda machine & Monica Lewinsky have in common? Answer |
| Bill Clinton and Al Gore were transported back in time to the Titanic as it was sinking. The captain called out, "Save the women, save the children. Let them get off first." Gore said to Clinton, "F the women, F the children." Clinton responded, "Do we have time?" |
| Bill Clinton died and by mistake, was sent to Heaven instead of Hell. When God saw this, he told Clinton to take the elevator down to Hell.. Meanwhile, down on Earth, the pope had a heart attack and died. When the pope got out of the elevator in heaven, he rushed by Bill Clinton , saying, "I'm so excited. I can't wait to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton answered, "Sorry, you're ten minutes late." |
| Gore Jokes |
| Did you hear that Al Gore's conceded? Well, sure, everyone knows Al Gore's conceited. Did you hear that Al Gore is going to sell hot dogs and popcorn? Now that he's made his concession stand. |
| Sit Down and Recount the Vote from the Broadway musical, Gores and Dolls "I dreamed last night that we had a new election, When the returns came in, I was running very strong. And there I stood and I hollered, 'I'm the winner!!' And everyone around me said, 'You're wrong.' "And I said to my staff, 'Sit down. Sit down and start hitting the phones! "Tell the canvassing boards, 'Sit down and start counting the votes!' "Let's find our favorite counties, and make them count every vote by hand! "Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! "Sit down, recounting the vote!" [C. J. Burke] |
| Bill, Hillary and Al Gore find themselves at a temple fund-raiser. A White House aide, who refused to go "on the record," explained, "It's a temple, stupid. You can't take money from a temple. It's God's money." Bill ponders this for a moment and suggested, "Ok. Here's what we'll do. We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money in the air and what lands inside the circle we'll keep for the DNC." "No, no, no!" Shouts Hillary. "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw all the money in the air and what lands outside the circle we'll keep for the DNC." Algore reaches over, grabs all the money and stuffs it into his pockets. Walking back to his limo, Al Gore calls over his shoulder, "God doesn't need the money. It's not like he has to run for reelection." |
| Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up. Gore says, You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?" Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again? |
| Monica walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and says, "you know, I've liked that dress since I first spotted it." |
| Hillary Clinton arrives at St. Peter's gate. On the wall are giant clocks. She asks why there are clocks in eternity. She is told the clocks measure adultery and that every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward just a little. She looks for her husbands clock but cannot find it so she asks where it is. St. Peter says, "Oh, God keeps it in his office and uses it as a fan." |
| Elementary school teacher: All right class. we're going to have a little quiz. I'm going to ask questions, and if you give the correct answer, you get to go home for the day. 1. Who said "give me liberty or give me death"? Schoolgirl: Patrick Henry. Teacher: That's right. You get to go home. 2. Who said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"? Schoolgirl 2: JFK. Teacher: That's right. You can go home, too. Schoolboy: Damn girls should keep their mouths shut. Teacher: Who said that? Schoolboy: Bill Clinton. See you tomorrow. |
| A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow!! That's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." |
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| Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard" You got me pregnant!!!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???" |
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| Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over." Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?" |
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| One day I was walking along a dock, and on one side, I saw Bill Clinton Drowning. On the other side, I saw Al Gore drowning. I had a tough decision to make. Should I have a burrito or a cheeseburger for lunch. |
| "I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your mouth,' then he says 'keep it closed.'" - Monica Lewinski |
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| As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?" |
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| Al Gore, John Kennedy, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Gore says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Kennedy says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for some courage." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" |
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| First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Replies Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?" |
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