February 23, 2004 - 11:30AM The world has drastically changed in the past couple months and yet days remain the same. I'm sometimes very scared for the future because what if the future is emptier than the world is now? I sometimes cringe at my inability to make a difference. I have hope, but I am cynical. I often reflect upon the past and that which was gained and that which was lost. Too often what is gained is a slightly clearer view of the cruelty of reality and too often what is lost is blessed innocence. I miss aspects of the past which will never return, at least not in the form they once took. I am not so naive to believe they ever could return in that form, but that slight desire will likely never leave me. This is not to say that the present is less wonderful than the past. It is too easy to erase the pains of the past and focus merely on the highs that brightened our lives. The future is bright, it must always be that way. My world has changed but my routine has stayed the same. It is nice to reminisce. It is often nice to be in the company of those who you grew up with.

September 22, 2003 - 12:33AM It's about hope. Without it.. what do we have? We have no friends, no family.. because we have no hope that they will impact our life for the better. No hope that they make a difference. Hope single handedly keeps us above that brink that we tread upon. Sometimes it seems as if the slightest breeze will be our end. Yet hope applies a force in the opposite direction keeping us safe upon that ledge. Hope comes in so many forms.. a face, a strangers smile, a gentle breeze, a voice, a memory, a breathe of fresh air.. maybe I'm just ridiculous but hope for me can come in these forms. And more. And you see, it's about love. The strongest hope. And one that can make you lose almost all hope you've ever had.. in a second. But when it is strong.. there's nothing stronger.

I look straight at what is coming ahead
And soon its gonna change in a new direction
Every night as I'm falling asleep
Those words repeating in my head

Guster - Come Down Stairs and Say Hello

September 11, 2003 - 12:51AM Fate exists. It must because so much of life can't just be mere coincidence. What are the odds of that? With such odds I'd try my hand at the lottery yet fate doesn't dictate the lottery (at least not in any manner which helps me earn money). It exists. I insist.

August 17, 2003 - 1:29AM Guster + Ben Kweller = AMAZING.

August 14, 2003 - 12:58PM I want nothing more than to sink into the comfort of my bed; however, online conversations are too good to abandon. I love technology. I spent the day at Six Flags where despite it being a Wednesday the lines were incredibly long. Superman is indeed quite the amazing, though it does bring out the fear of heights in me. The day was hot as well and the energy was just sucked out of me. Hence all the yawning now. Oh, you didn't know I was yawning. I'll clue you in. *yawn* (better, no?). I'm looking forward to heading back to college. Its not so far away... yet it has yet to be decided whether or not I will be fencing. I spoke to my captain tonight and everytime I do I feel disappointed that I may not be enjoying my time with them. But on the other hand, I would love to get this internship and perhaps it is time for me to put down fencing. We'll see, hopefully the Museum of Science will kindly get back to me prior to the beginning of school so I can know for sure whether I am or am not fencing. They've got a few more weeks to decide. I've ordered a digital camera. I often am disappointed that I don't have pictures. I'm definitely not a picture person but hopefully this will come into some good use. I intend to take quite a few of my home so I'll be able to bore my children one day. "And here is where I grew up, isn't it lovely. Doesn't it look like I had no life living here? Yup, I sure didn't." I'm sure my children will fall asleep while looking at my pictures. It'd be nice though to document certain events in my life. Off topic and the last thing I shall mention before I sleep. I was reminded today of what someone once told me. I was told that people move in and out of your life. Those that have departed have left because they have served their purpose in your life, left the impact that they were meant to. They taught you what you were meant to learn. And sometimes people stay in your life, these people will continue to leave an impact in your life. Sometimes people leave your life and this is the way it is meant to be. Sometimes people remain in our life to continue to touch us and affect us each day. Sometimes I forget this.

August 11, 2003 - 11:52PM So I'm calmer under the influence of sorbet; however I managed to drop some of it into my keyboard because I'm a fucking idiot. But it did remind me of a time when Neil, Kate and myself were in CompUsa or a similar store and.. we enjoyed being there. We didn't buy anything but instead we perused the stores mice and keyboards and fell in love with a sweet Logitech mouse and a floppy keyboard. I don't quite know why memories such as these make me smile. There was nothing special about that day or that moment. But I'm still smiling...

August 11, 2003 - 11:36PM I feel like I'm going to crack any moment. Being cooped up in this house.. I need to get out. And yet.. this is the house I don't want to leave. Ironic in a way. I feel so tense.. and my emotions just want to break out one moment.. and then the next I'm apathetic. I'm going insane. There's nothing left to do in this house. I can't even read.. all my books have been packed away and I can't go buy another.. parents don't want more clutter now that they're cleaning the house. I just want to get in the car and drive away. Sorbet is the best I can do.

August 10, 2003 - 11:19PM Updating has never been my forte. But I seem to be pulling off updating once a month (go me). The summer is dying.. and classes have finished. I find myself undergoing a mix of emotions each day, mood swings come and go like the tides. I fear what moving will bring. No that's not true, I merely fear loss. A potential by product of the displacement of that which is called 'home'. But home won't be anywhere else but here. That other place.. that will be my parent's home. But it can't be mine. Home is more than a four wall confine. I must be driving everyone insane. I'm driving myself insane with my mood swings. I apologize to everyone else, I am no picnic. My parents especially get to see me happy then pissed then depressed then ambivalent and then some other series of freakish emotions. I'm currently calm and content so they must be enjoying the time off from having to deal with anal psycho bitch me. I am worried about the future. And scared to be alone.

I need you to show me the way from crazy
I wanna be so much more than this

July 5, 2003 - 7:27PM 1. Guster is amazing. 2. The Foo Fighters kick ass. Myrtle Beach is coming up in just 2 days. I'm hungry.

June 7, 2003 - 2:57AM A wonderful night. The Jackal's game was wonderful. And they have quite an amazing defense at times. Sometimes I forget how much I miss Naomi and Tim. I love spending time with them. Tim's love for Lila is adorable as well. Perfect weather. Nicest in a long time. Right now there's a wonderful breeze drifting through the crack of window that is open. That smell.. I love it. Faint but wonderful.

June 1, 2003 - 12:53AM b e a utiful.

May 31, 2003 - 6:42PM That lovely rainstorm smell is taking up a new home in my room. I love it. It's something I dearly miss while I'm in Massachusetts. So here I am, home. Unpacked and comfortable in my new environment and already working on summer classes. It's nice to be home and yet I yearn to be back. I hear that's natural. I do enjoy the company of my parents for the most part and I love being in the company of my pets. Companions to my every mood. They will play when there is playing to be done and they well lay with a head upon my stomach when it's best to just be. And so I am right now. I am just being.

February 20, 2003 - 2:10PM It's a gorgeous 40 degree day in Medford, MA. I slept like shit last night, stupid cold. On the upside, I was awake to hear Naomi babble in her sleep about 'Issues'. It's always worthwhile to hear Naomi talk in her sleep. I spent most of yesterday studying for my Psych Midterm today. What I don't get is if it's a midterm... why do I have 3 of them and a final? That just seems to be missing some logic. Anyway, the morning began on a bad note due to the lack of sleep and the apparent inability of my lungs and nose to function together. Chemistry at 8:00AM is not the way to go. Especially if it's for an hour and 15 minutes. There's only so much chemistry I can deal with at a time. We received our exams and I received a B on my exam as I had expected. Not to shabby considering the fact that I studied the wrong information. Bio lecture went will except for those final moments that we wanted to pass quicker so that we could receive our Bio Exams. Adrienne was great as she sat very frustrated and annoyed through the end of class. The mean for the exam was a whopping 68 (i think, might've been lower) and the scores ranged from 19 to 100. And the curve was amazing. >75 was an A of some sort. That doesn't happen every day. I pulled off a 74, one point short of that A, but hey, I'm not complaining. Bio is starting off on a good foot. Psych Exam wasn't too bad. And I did well on my Chinese Test. Things are good here. Now that all my exams are over I can catch up on all that work I've put off, the joys never end. =)

February 18, 2003 A beautiful day covered in snow. And a snow day! 6:00AM was a wonderful time. Naomi woke up and checked as I prayed silently in the comforts of my warm bed that I would not have to wake up in another hour and a half to wake up for my 8:00AM class. It was fantastic. I danced happily before returning to sleep the morning away. Snow is wonderful. Some people built a jump on President's Lawn and went skiing/snowboarding down it. A good idea until someone tried a flip and knocked his front teeth out, but hey, they were fake which is a good thing. Our evil snowman took quite a while to make, though I was too cold to help much. Though I must say they did a fine job. Lets hope he doesn't end up in pieces tomorrow. And now? Work. Alls well doesn't always end well. Though it might if we watch a movie tonight. It's gorgeous out. Large expanses of clean white snow. Simple pleasures make life worth living.

February 15, 2003 Love. In. Am. I.

January 28, 2003 Ah! I'm back! Ah! I'm busy! Ah! Gotta study. Poo.

November 27, 2002 I had forgotten how amazing home cooked meals are. And remember, don't let anyone ever tell you that food is the root of all evil.

October 24, 2002 In dreams, any reality is possible.

October 17, 2002 - 1:49 PM I don't understand Boston weather. One day tornado, and the next, it's beautiful. Today is such a gorgeous day. It's sunny and it's so comfortable. I had presumed that today would be a horrible day, after not being able to sleep till 4 am and then missing my english class. But I'm in a great mood. So smile today. And when the weather tomorrow sucks (it's Boston, it happens), smile wider. Cause you know the next day will be gorgeous in comparison.

October 17, 2002 - 12:29 AM Sometimes I wonder why I go to school in Boston. Those days are usually when the weather sucks. Such as today. Though now it has actually calmed down but I would prefer if it would be calm during the day when I'm actually out in the weather.

October 9, 2002 - 2:38 PM Are you slipping away?

October 6, 2002 - 10:46 PM So who knew I was going to be making to entries in one day (Tim, be proud). So Naomi and I were eating chinese food (yes, we're pigs but our excuse is that we haven't had real food all day). So, anyway, as I was opening the wrapping on my fortune cookie I was making guesses as to what my fortune was. I guessed it would say something along the lines of "You are a loser, you must come to terms with this." And I wasn't too far off from the truth. The real fortune cookie message was "Always accept yourself the way you are." Damn depressing fortune cookies..

October 6, 2002 - 9:09 PM So Tim reminded me that I haven't updated in a while so I promised him an entry by the end of the week. I felt today would be a good day to update. First and foremost, Happy Birthday to CRYSTAL! I love you and can't wait to see you again! Second and.. second-most(?) Happy Birthday (Soon) to TIM! See Tim, not only do I update, I get to update about your birthday. So, Tim's birthday is tomorrow and my roommate and I (I should correct myself or else she'll yell at me, *ahem* my kickass amazing spectacular roommate, Naomi) decided that since we make the world's most amazing dip we could easily conquer the world of cakes. So we set out to make a double layer cake. So...
STEP 1: Purchase Ingredients for Cake
Simple right? Yes this is simple until Tim decides it'd be a good idea to end up in Porter Square and call to see what's up while we're purchasing the ingredients for his cake. So, we somehow avoided meeting up with him that day and hoped that he didn't hate us too much. Of course, after Tim caused us to have heart attacks we stupidly took the first T out of Porter assuming it was going outbound but ended up going inbound towards Harvard Square. Smart, aren't we?
STEP 2: Mix Ingredients and Bake Away
This part actually went quite well... but really, how do you screw this part up? Cake Mix + Eggs + Water + Oil + Stirring = Yay. (As you can see by that formula, I am amazing at chemistry.) Oh.. next formula... Yay + Energy (via the oven) = Double Yay. Step 2 went rather well.
STEP 3: Frost Cakes
So let me describe the cake, first. We made a double layer funfetti cake. Layer 1 consisted of Fudge Chocolate Frosting, Layer 2 consisted of Milk Chocolate Frosting and was decorated with Decorative Icing (which tastes amazing btw). So we start frosting.. and the base layer is going well.. lookin good. So we start to put the second layer on top.. but it rips and yields a large crevice in the middle of the top layer. So.. we tried to stick it together with frosting but that didn't work well. The crevice continued to grow so we came up with a fantastic idea. We continued to frost and when that was done we figured we'd make the crevice into the top part of the letter 'T' (for Tim, duh). So, we start writing Happy B-Day Tim in decorative icing. The 'B' was.. unique but lets not talk about that at all. We proceeded to fill in the crevice with icing. All in all, it looked like the saddest cake in the history of cakes. But, at least it was edible..
So we went candlestick bowling.. and yes, Kevin won this time.. until I added 100 points to my score putting me at 151. But wait till next time Kev, just you wait...
Happy Birthday to All (and by all I mean Crys and Tim) and to all a goodnight.

September 27, 2002 - 2:02 AM Despite the fact that I have a paper to finish by tomorrow and two exams and a quiz on Monday (and I won't have much of a chance to study this weekend), we went to the Campus Center for some food and pool. It was an extremely welcome break.. granted I take breaks continuously.. but I rarely actually leave my dorm to take them. I've only a little more to do on my paper and I'll be able to sleep. Sleep is wonderful. Sleep makes me happy. And I like to be happy.

September 22, 2002 - 4:55 PM First of all I find it is important to point out that my room becomes a sauna in the morning. It is always warmed in the dorm than it is outside, despite the presence of fans. I want an air conditioner. Anyway, last night was wonderful. We stopped at Redbones for some ribs, found out the wait was an hour so we left our names and headed to Porter for some food shopping. Pathetic, I know.. but food is worth it. We all stocked up on food (too eagerly, I might add) and briskly walked back to Davis for our ribs. Ribs were good, not amazing (I'm still loving the ribs at Tiffany's) but good nonetheless. And here comes the amazing part, we found something to do that was unrelated to food. We went candlestick bowling (which kicks ass by the way..) and I am proud to say that I kicked Kevin's ass a whopping 167 to 87. Okay granted I somehow magically obtained an extra 100 points at the end, but fair is fair. And of course no week would be complete without watching SNL and promptly falling asleep on Kevin's bed which for some reason is just unnaturally comfortable.. And on a final note, this entry is dedicated to Tim who realizes the amazing-ness (which isn't a word.. but we'll pretend it is) of Dunkaroos and will probably be the first person to read this. Sooo kudos to you, Tim. ;)

September 11, 2002 - 4:37 PM I can't stop thinking. And I can't concentrate. It doesn't seem as if a year has passed. All morning I tried to work to no avail. My mind was far away from the narrow confines of my dorm. I'm thinking about everything. The events that occurred a year ago of course, but everything else as well. My year� the memories.. everything. What a difference a day makes. What a difference a day has made. And so I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Who will still be here in a day, a month, a year... Who ever thought that so much could change in the span of a day. I can remember everything that happened that day, where I was, my disbelief, how I felt. I didn�t understand how I felt.. I don�t know that I do now. I was never one who cried easily, did not like to cry. And yet I feel that pressure build and I can cry, but I don�t� know why.
I remember vividly the first yellow ribbon I saw. It was a thick ribbon, a vibrant yellow ribbon, wrapped around a telephone pole outside a house which was only two houses down from mine. There was so much hope in that bright ribbon. That house lost a husband, a father. I remember seeing a series of small white candles lining the driveway.. little white candles which burned continuously. I don't remember when they disappeared... I remember seeing the wife and a few close friends sitting on a step outside the house. The eyes red, their cheeks wet from tears which refused to vanish. Did they know that he would never be coming back? Was that thought in the furthest depths of their mind? Or did they just hold on to hope, cling desperately to hope..

September 10, 2002 - 11:52 PM The sky was gorgeous today. I can't quite describe it.. it looked surreal. Perhaps that's what makes it so gorgeous.

September 7, 2002 - 3:22 AM So today I experienced first hand that Friday classes are not happy classes. Not in any sense. but thankfully they were over by 1:00 and I had the rest of the day to relax. I had my first fencing practice which I was tense for. I'm not completely sure why but to some degree it was due to expectations of me that I was not (and still am not) sure that I can live up to. Despite that, fencing practice was amazing. I felt completely at home again. I guess fencing can do that to you. Everyone on the team is extremely nice and I've already become relatively comfortable with some members on the team. Practice was really more of a free-fence activity.. real practice doesn't start until after the demo being put on on Monday and it's supposedly becoming much more intense. Perhaps I should work harder at that 'getting into shape' thing. After practice I took a speed shower and headed to Kev's where we proceeded to become un-bored-ified watching Ocean's Eleven with Ciny, Tim, and Naomi (New Jersians stickin together). Ocean's Eleven was followed by a trip to Davis Square for some food/drinks and then stargazing on the roof of Tisch Library. I love stargazing. It's a nice place to go stargazing but there are too many lights. But you can see much of Boston, not that we could identify many of the buildings. I lay back and looked into the milky darkness and took in a deep breathe. New Jersey has this fresh smell that I love. Try as I might I couldn't find that scent, but pure cool air rushed into my lungs. It's not New Jersey air, but it has a refreshing quality to it. It was cold out. It gets warm here in the day and the temperatures just drop come nightfall. So we later ventured to Kevin's dorm (which was much warmer) and many of us fell asleep and later ventured to our respective dorms at 3AM. I had an amazing time. We didn't do anything extraordinary (not that we usually do) but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I spent the night with people that I care about and enjoy spending time with. We joked, we relaxed, we just... were. And that was more than enough.

September 6, 2002 First and foremost, Happy Birthday to Anniedoo and Cheniferd! You guys light up my life. I just returned from my first class of the day and will be heading to my other class in a little bit. Although I'm not a fan of this waking up early thing, I'm glad for the routine it places in my life. Since I last wrote, Anne has come up to visit. Although I miss home, the trade off is that I get to be close to people I wasn't able to see frequently in the past. Now we're just two stops away on the T. And people are coming to visit Boston in the future.

September 1, 2002 - 2:24 AM Registering for classes sucked the big one. Couldn't get into Chinese and as of yet I've got Expository Writing at 8:25 on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... bleh. But I can deal with that I suppose.. just gotta get into that Chinese class.. I've gotta take 3 years of Chinese so I gotta get started soon. Preferrably.... oh right.. now. Onto other things.. my knee has been hurting a lot. It has to do with the sitting. I can't stretch out my legs and so my knee gets cramped.. But.. I don't think it should hurt as much as it does so.. a little concerned but it should feel better soon. We've been walking into Davis Square and wandering around there. We left earlier so there was actually food around. Goal is to get there early enough to take the T. One day...

August 29, 2002 - 8:59 PM Well.. I've been here for two days now. It rained today.. all day. Nice way to start off the year. I'm in that.. awkward state. I know that's not surprising and supposedly everyone's dealing with the same situation but sometimes it seems like some have it much easier than others. Some people just click with others or are capable of approaching everyone and anyone.. and they do so. It just isn't in my nature to be myself until I'm comfortable with the people I'm around and obviously I haven't made it to that comfort level yet. Mos tlikely I won't find that comfort for quite a while knowing me. I feel as if I'm looking at the future.. the next four years.. and as of right now I'm not quite sure that they will be the best four years of my life. Of course it is way to early to decide any of that. I would just like some comfirmation from some source that I truly am on the path towards a bright four years and a bright future after that. But who can read the future (besides Miss Cleo and I'm not paying for that). I slept like hell last night, not that I expected any better. Being a light sleeper in college isn't exactly the best combination. Of course my hall was quiet, so it was just me last night.. and the new environment. The future.. well.. I'll worry about the noise problems in the future. All in all, today was a better day than yesterday. I attribute it to the fact that I was busy most of the day and functioning off little sleep, I didn't really notice when there were lapses within the day. i am really grateful for Kevin's presence. Already I'm lost.. but I always know that he's around and so I'm never completely alone. I always knew I was lucky to be going to college with him, but I never completely understood the extend to which his presence has made this transition easier. (And we won't talk about the benefits involved in that.. *cough*MrsJo'sCookies*cough*). I'm missing home and all those associated with it. I heard something today that was rather encouraging. A senior commented that all the fears we have now may not become a reality. So perhaps I may not lose touch with all those that I am worried about losing. Perhaps.. we'll see how the future goes..

August 29, 2002 - 1:20 AM No time to write.. update later. Wearin a t-shirt that reminds me of home. One that I didn't treasure when I should have, but do now. I love it now..

August 18, 2002 - 12:26 AM Time Ran Out.

August 17, 2002 - 12:53 AM So my tire blew out. Luckily it was near a gas station so it wasn't too horrible. A nice man in a Red Bull truck came out to help put on the spare and go figure, it starts to pour while he's fixing it. It hasn't rained in forever, and it chooses that moment to rain. Figures. Yum.

August 15, 2002 - 12:42 PM So I spent the day at Point Pleasant. Somehow I ended up driving... I'm not quite sure how.. but I didn't crash the car and all the passengers arrived home safely so the whole driving thing turned out to be a success. It was a great day yet rather painful. The waves at Point Pleasant crash on the sand so.. when you attempt to boogie board you end up on the sand if you do it right. Which isn't too much of a problem if you do it correctly. You're knees get a little scraped but everything is all good. But if you're like me well.. you lose control of your board and flip a couple times and then crash into the sand and go "Ow". But since I suck I usually just ended up moving a couple feet in the water. Until I tried it without my board. I ended up at the shore much more frequently.. but.. it involved a lot of flipping, drowning, and some more drowning and then I would crash into the sand, topple a bit, and go "Ow". And then head back into the water.. and then almost drown again and crash and burn.. again. I've got a nice bruise on my side now. Compliments of the waves that don't like me all that much. We later ended up strolling along the Boardwalk for a bit, grabbing a bite to eat, one of us losing the tray to the trash can.. and headed home. And then headed back to Kevin's.. big surprise as usual.
I was arguing with my dad. He didn't see the reasoning behind my desire to go to Kevin's after spending an entire day at Point Pleasant. I replied that everyone was leaving in just a little bit.. as soon as this Sunday. And it hasn't truly hit yet. It feels as if Sunday were a decade away.. nothing to worry about. And yet it's so near. And time won't slow down. No matter how much I beg.

August 13, 2002 - 11:48 PM So my roommate hasn't been purposely avoiding me, she's on vacation till the 21st. I guess then I'll find out if she's a really sweet person or a psychotic serial killer.

August 9, 2002 - 5:27 PM I love stargazing.. at the shore you can see forever. The stars cover the whole sky.. it's gorgeous. You can just stare up at the stars and think of everything, anything. I guess you realize how small you are. You look into the sky and see billions of stars and from this distance they look so small, each one so similar to the next. It doesn't seem so different from the world we live in. If one were to zoom out, we'd all look the same. Merely tiny mobile spots on the globe. It makes it hard not to wonder why each one of us was placed here and what makes each of us special or significant. What makes one star any different from the next. Each is just a small white speck immersed in a black canvas. Take a step closer. Or two or three or more. You'll see how different each really is.
Imagine if this life were Truman's life. As you lie in the sand and stare up at the stars, they really don't seem so far away. Almost as if you could touch them if you could just get high enough. Imagine if this whole world weren't real and you really could get to the top and see that instead of stars there exist scattered lights which decorate a sheet of black cloth. And just like Truman you could sail through the ocean and eventually reach a door to the real world. But everything felt so real. The cold breeze against my legs and sound of the waves as they crashed against the shore. The feeling of the fine cool sand as I dug my feet in deep. Everything feels so real. So right. The way it should be. Not that I truly know how everything should be. Not that I truly know what is real.

August 2, 2002 - 12:13 AM Could have? Should have? Would have? What if? Yes indeed... what if..

August 1, 2002 - 1:35 AM I finally got my housing (yay!). Apparently I'll be living in South Hall in room 240. It's supposedly the newest housing but my room is tiny. It's 9' by 16' or something like that so it's relatively small, at least in comparison to other dorms. Unfortunately the walk to Cousens Gym (where practice will be held) is a little long.. but there's not much I can do about that. Except finish construction on my teleporter, but that may not be ready for months.

July 29, 2002 - 1:55 AM I never felt that my family was truly a family. We aren't close. It's as if something was missing.. some emotional bond. I'm not close to my father at all, and I barely tell my mother anything about who I am. The only family member I'm close to is my brother. I don't know when I started feeling that my close friends were my family, but that's the way I feel now. And you know.. you never forget family.

July 28, 2002 - 8:24PM I was in a mood today. I can't really describe it. But after spending a little while on the phone with Anne, I feel better. Perhaps it's the realization of the more positive aspects of leaving 'home'. I will be able to see people that weren't so easily accessible prior to college. It's comforting. On to other things, I've been told to live my life so that I don't turn around and ask, "What if?". But you see, it isn't that simple. I found myself asking that question today. I wondered how I could be different. Would I be a better person if I had taken my path differently? Would I have turned out for the worst? Or was I supposed to become this person at this point in the journey.. I don't know. But sometimes I wish I had lived my life differently.

July 28, 2002 - 4:47PM I spent part of my day merely listening to music and singing along. It reminded me of other moments when I had sang to the same songs with other friends of mine. The summer of my junior year where Nikki and I sang to everything together.. Senior Ball weekend, the car ride home... I treasure memories.

July 26, 2002 I've been wondering about how I will handle college without Crystal and Neil. See.. I'm not sure that I can live without them. It's as if I don't quite know how. Granted I am lucky enough to have technology at my fingertips so that I can call and e-mail and send messages whenever I want, but no matter what life is going to change. I'm lucky that I get to bring a piece of home with me and it'll always be there in room 409 so that I can drop by when everything becomes too overwhelming. I'm lucky that I get to bring so much of home with me, but it's just not quite home without Crystal and Neil. Each day I reach to call them up and to tell them what I've been doing, tell them how I feel, and I can't. I can only hope that the days go by quicker and that Neil is able to find his phone so that I can speak to him. Even if we don't say I word, just being there on the phone with him is comforting. I need some comfort. It's gotten to a point where I can no longer describe it.. I can only feel. And there's so much to feel. And I feel so much.

July 23, 2002 I woke this morning to blistering heat. Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but it was hot. It started raining not long ago so I opened the windows and spent a few moments breathing in the fresh air. There's something about rain that makes me love it. Perhaps it's the feeling that the world is being cleansed. The world just smells fresher.

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