40-ish.................. 49

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death