After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't 
travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 
'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?'
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. 
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the 
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps 
the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 
'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop 
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, 
long time. 
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he 
was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "
"Morris Fishbien," he replied. 
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 
"For about 60 years." 
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray 
for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children 
to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" 
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall." 

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up 
early and went to the local church. 
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews 
and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared 
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the 
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from 
evil incarnate. 
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman 
who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that 
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so 
he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" 
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. 
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" 
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. 
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. 
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone 
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they 
wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked 
him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!' 
St. Peter was impressed: 
"When did this happen?" 
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. 
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. 
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. 
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was 
closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. 
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on 
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." 
Time stopped. 
The bear froze. 
The forest was silent.  
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: 
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit 
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to 
count you as a believer?" 
The atheist looked directly into the light, 
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps 
could you make the BEAR a Christian?" 
"Very well," said the voice. 
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, sat back 
on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty ...thru Christ our Lord ...Amen." 

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John 
says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. 
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. 
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.  
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's 
a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first 
nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar 
of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough 
he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. 
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives 
several more tugs, then yells,
"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

As Sunday school one morning, the teacher asked the children, 
"Where is Jesus?"
A few students raised their hands and were ready to answer.   
So the teacher called on Betsy, who said, "Jesus is in my heart."   
"Good," said the teacher.
She asked Billy who replied, "Jesus is in Heaven."  
"Right," said the teacher.
She did not really want to c all on Julian, who had given her problems before, 
but, reluctantly, she did. Julian said, "Jesus is in the bathroom."
The children giggled and the teacher, a little perturbed, asked Julian why 
he would say that.
Julian answered, "Because every morning when my Dad gets up to go to work, he 
knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the Nuns had placed a big 
bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a 
note which read,
"Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate 
chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note 
scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, 
"Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

A rabbi stops by the church to visit his friend the priest.
As they talk the rabbi expresses his confusion about how confession
works. The priest tries to explain it to no avail and finally invites 
the rabbi in to witness for himself. Despite the rabbi's protests, 
the priest insists and they soon find themselves in the confessional.
Shortly a man enters the booth and says,
"Forgive me father I have sinned. It has been a month since my last
confession and I have fornicated three times and cursed twice."
The priest tells the man to put five dollars in the collection box 
and to say four 'Our Fathers' and sends him on his way.
Another man enters the booth and says,
"Forgive me father I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last
confession and I have fornicated three times, used the Lord's name in 
vain, and cursed seven times."
The priest tells the man to put five dollars in the collection box and
to say four 'Our Fathers' and sends him on his way.
Suddenly the priest tells the rabbi that he has to go to the bathroom 
and tells him to sit tight.
After the priest leaves another man enters the booth and says,
"Forgive me father I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my 
last confession and I have fornicated two times and used the Lord's 
name in vain twice."
The rabbi thinks for a minute and says,
"Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you go out and fornicate one more 
time. We're having a three for five dollars special this week."

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a 
country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all 
their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio 
decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they 
were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town 
approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister 
and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face 
while they ran for cover. After the ladies left and the men got their 
clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied...
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that 
they would recognize."

At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient
into his office with a grave look on his face.  
"I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm 
afraid you have only six months to live."
"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in
he said, 
"Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions
as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all,
you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to 
live I'd better make the most of my time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, 
he said,
"Marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl, how come?"
"It'll seem longer."

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by 
sending him to Hawaii on a well deserved vacation, all-expenses paid. 
The President of the Temple decides that in addition to the trip, the 
Rabbi should really have some fun and he makes arrangements to have a 
prostitute be available at the Rabbi's beck and call. When the Rabbi 
walks into his room, there's this nude girl lying on the bed and she 
tells the Rabbi that she is for him at any time during his vacation. 
Naturally, the Rabbi is stunned and was extremely embarrassed and felt
it was demeaning to a person of his position. He demanded to know who 
arranged this little situation and of course the girl had to tell him.
He then picks up the phone, calls the temple, asks for the President of
the congregation. He then says to him, 
"Where is your respect, how could you do something like this, I am a 
person who must be held in high esteem by the whole congregation. As 
your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
As he continues to berate the President, the girl gets up and starts
to get dressed, not wanting to embarrass the Rabbi any more than 
necessary. As she does this the Rabbi says,
"Where are you going? I'm not mad at you.

During a service Rabbi Silverberg was especially moved. He fell to 
the ground, laid his head to the floor and called out, 
"Oh, Lord I am nothing before thee"
The cantor, feeling equally moved, fell to the ground, lays his head
to the floor and calls out, 
"Oh, Lord I am nothing before thee"
Mr Hymowitz, sitting in the middle of the congregation, being moved 
by the service, runs out to the center of the aisle falls to the 
ground, lays his head to the floor and calls out, 
"Oh, Lord I am nothing before thee"
The rabbi looks at the cantor and says,
"So look who thinks he�s nothing!"

Rabbi Goldman walks into a shul in Tel Aviv, and says to the first man
he meets, 
"Do you want to to heaven?"  
The man said, 
"I do, Rabbi." 
The Rabbi said,
"Then stand over there against the wall."  
Then the Rabbi asked the second man,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi. 
Then the Rabbi walked up to Finklestein and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
Finklestein said, 
"No, I don't Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, 
"I don't believe  this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?"
Finklestein said, 
"Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go
right now."

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car
breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the 
night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. 
The priest said, 
"Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances,
if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge
and you have the bed."
"I think that would be okay.", the sister replied.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. 
Ten minutes later...
"Father, I'm terribly cold."
"Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
"Father, I'm terribly cold."
"Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
"Father, I'm terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted 
as man and wife just for this one night."
The priest thought abought it for a minute and said,
"You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, 
"Bless me, father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." 
The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy"? 
"Yes father, it is I." 
"Who was the woman you were with?" 
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." 
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? 
"No, father." 
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" 
"No, father." 
"Was it Ann Brown?" 
"No, father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest says,
"I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance 
will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." 
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what 
happened. Tommy replies,
"I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first 
one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to 
admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's
your story?" 
So the first man replies: 
"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so
today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came 
into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all
my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been
hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was 
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was 
really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't
you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my 
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of 
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I 
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the 
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him 
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart 
attack and died there on the balcony." 
"That sounds like a pretty bad day," said Peter, and let the man in. 
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being 
full, and again asks for his story. 
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my 
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the 
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I
was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the
best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when 
I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling 
out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty 
horrible death.The third man came to the front of the line, and again
the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full 
and asked for his story. 
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a 
refrigerator..." 

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out 
to God, 
"Lord, I have a problem." 
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. 
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded 
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
I'm just not happy" 
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. 
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." 
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you." 
"What's a 'woman', Lord?" 
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and 
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so 
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make 
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will
unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the 
perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. 
"Sounds great." 
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." 
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. 
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle" 
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern 
on his face. Finally Adam says to God,
"Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" 

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in 
despair, he meets a demon.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. 
You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all
we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we 
throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars 
from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's
ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, 
horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already 
dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "are you gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the 
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his 
first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being 
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. 
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new 
guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy 
chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy 
jumps at the chance and selects that room. The devil walks into the 
room taps the blonde n the shoulder and says 
"Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a 
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without 
a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third 
sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next 
to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in 
a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. 
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, 
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is  told and this door is answered by another nun in a long 
habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the 
end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He 
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut 
behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the 
parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

The aspiring student of Zen feels the need to decompress. He wanders out of 
the ashram and, after adjusting his eyes to the daylight, heads in the 
direction of a sandwich shop. The idea of a meal without rice lifts his spirits
considerably, and so, pointing to the menu, he smiles and says, 
"Please make me One With Everything."
The counter guy has run into these Zen guys before, so he just nods and gets 
to work on the sandwich. When it's done, he hands it over and says, 
"That will be four dollars and sixty-five cents." 
"Is a twenty okay?", the student asks.  
"Oh, sure," says the guy.
He rings up the sale and gets busy with his other work. The student can't 
believe it!
"Hey," he says, "what about my change?"
The counter guy looks at him for a moment, then smiles and says, 
"Change Comes From Within."

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter,
"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says,  
"How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying,
"No.  Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects.  "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God about screams.  "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "Howabout going down to 
Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, 
"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with 
some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his classroom and said, 
"The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider 
that the  Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a 
people. What does that mean to you?"
After a moment of silence, one student raised his hand.
"Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does that mean?"
"It means that the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1,063 years."

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi
for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, 
and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, 
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth. I couldn't charge you.
It's on the house." 
The priest says, "Thank you very much," and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop 
are 12 gold coins. 
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and
when the time comes to pay, the barber says,
"No money, please. You're a spiritual leader, a man of the people. It's
on the house." 
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and
the barber says, 
"No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man. I can't take any money 
from you. Go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop
are 12 rabbis

One day little Billy asks his mother for a brand new bike. His mother
tells him no. She says,
"Billy it is not your birthday and it is not Christmas and you haven�t 
been such a good boy this year. Why don�t you go to your room and think 
about it."
So Billy goes to his room and decides to appeal to a higher authority. 
He decides to write a letter to Jesus Christ. He writes,
"Dear Jesus, I�ve been good all year long. Can I please have a brand new
bike?"
but as he folds the letter into the envelope he starts to feel a little 
guilty so he tears it up and starts over,
"Dear Jesus, I�ve been kind of good all year long. Can I please have a 
brand new bike?"
but again he knows this isn�t true so he tries again,
"Dear Jesus, I�ve thought about being good this year. Can I please have a
brand new bike?"
Finally	in frustration he gives up and goes running out of the house. He
spends hours walking around until he comes to a church. He goes inside 
still very upset by his mothers refusal to get him his bike. He thinks 
about making another appeal to Jesus but then starts to leave. On the way
out he notices all kinds of beautiful statues and in a fit of frustration
he grabs one of the smaller ones and runs out the door. He runs all the
way home, into his room and shoves the statue under his bed. He takes out 
a piece of paper and writes,
"Dear Jesus, I�ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again get me
a brand new bike?"

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant
girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got 
very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked
at the little girl and said, 
"Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and
Protestants."

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own 
hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the
following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax.
I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P. S.  If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust 
and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask 
God for help.  He begins to pray...  
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, 
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well."  
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays....
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my 
car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and 
I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery
this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is
confronted by the voice of God Himself.       
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket." 

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Filet minyan.

Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster 
says
"this package is too heavy -- you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies "And that will make it lighter?"

What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A girl.

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried 
everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the
insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a 
private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were 
surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and 
very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, 
right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours 
he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and 
the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly
cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior
continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The 
boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went 
straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her
amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed,
she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his
remarkable progress. 
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. 
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son.
"Son, tell us, what is it that has created this new interest and
remarkable improvement"?
"On that first day of school, when I walked in the front door and saw 
that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!" 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their 
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the
first pancake. I can wait.' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
"Ryan, you be Jesus."

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. 
Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 
"Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, 
"Thank God for that...I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself!" she replied.

Jewish view on when life begins:
In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it
graduates from medical school.

A short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog 
which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, 
the dog  finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, 
"I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately
we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s
a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but 
maybe they`ll do something for the animal."  Muldoon said, 
"I`ll go right now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the
service?" 
Father Patrick: "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"  

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, four kids, eleven grandchildren, and
last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both
of them. Twice". 
The priest said,
"Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish"
"So then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you 
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest 
said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better 
bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. 
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the
food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called 
Brother John into his office.
"Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you
got here is complain."

Mrs. Lapidus approached a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugged on the
sleeve of his coat and asked, 
"Fershtayn Yiddish?"
The man answered, 
"Ya, ich fershtay."
Says Mrs. Lapidus, "Gut. Vot time is it?"

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During 
that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and
explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she 
decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, 
breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and
change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years 
she might as well make the most of it.  She walks out of the hospital 
after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to 
the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains:
"I thought you said I had another 30 years."
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with 
red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of 
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" 
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked 
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." 
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have 
you had arthritis?" 
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope 
does". 

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's
going home for Roshashanna. 
The Catholic girl asks, 
"Is that the holiday when  you light the 8 candles?" 
"No," the Jewish girl replies.  "That's Hanukkah." 
The Catholic girl then asks,
"Is that the holiday  when you eat the unleavened bread?" 
"No," the Jewish girl replies.  "That's Passover.  Roshashanna  
is the holiday when we blow the shofar." 
"See," the Catholic Girl replies.  "That's what I like about you 
Jews...you're so good to your help."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very
much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, 
they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, 
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife 
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome 
young man and he waves a towel over them as they  make love. It 
doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have 
the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over 
them,"
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into 
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets
to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, 
room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him 
triumphantly...
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"