President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Donald Rumsfeld 
is concluding his part and says,
"Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad." 
Bush shrieks and buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 
30 seconds. Stunned at the unexpected display of emotion, the President's 
staff sit speechless, not sure how to react.
Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld, 
"How many is a brazillion?"

Tom urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew his boss would not allow 
him to take a leave. He thought that maybe if he acted crazy then the boss 
would tell him to take a few days off. So Tom hung upside down on the ceiling 
and made funny noises. A blonde co-worker asked Tom what he was doing? 
"I'm pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss will think I'm crazy and 
give me a few days off."
A few minutes later Tom's boss came into the office and asked 
"What are you doing?"
Tom explained that he was a light bulb. 
"You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
Tom jumped down from the ceiling and walked out of the office. His blonde 
co-worker followed. The boss asked her,
"And where do you think you're going?"
She said, 
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

Did you hear about the Pole who couldn't learn to water ski because he 
couldn't find a lake with a slope?

Did you hear about the Pole who was trapped on an escalator for hours 
when the power went out? 

The blonde calls up her brunette friend
"I've got a problem," she says.
"What's the matter?" asks the concerned friend.
"Well, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit 
together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks the friend.
"A big rooster," replies the troubled blonde.
"All right," sighs the brunette, "I'll come over and have a look."
So she leaves her home and heads over to see her friend. The blonde points 
at the jigsaw on her desk.
The brunette looks at the desk and then turns to her friend and says, 
"For crying out loud, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Two Polish hunters were dragging the deer they had just shot back to 
their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.
"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can
tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the
antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later
one of the men said, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," says the other, "but we're getting farther from the truck."

Three Polish brothers Tomasz, Josef and Jerzy, were stumbling home late 
one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Tomasz, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God
bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Josef, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here 
that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jerzy yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Tomasz.
Jerzy lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

The blonde reported for her university final examination which 
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the 
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, 
and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a 
coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes 
for heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done 
whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last 
few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering 
and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks 
what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in 
his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality 
so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who 
would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing 
their lunch.
The first construction worker said,
"Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham 
sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump 
off this building and kill myself."
The second construction worker said, 
"Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so 
sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, 
too!"
The Polish construction worker said, 
"Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch 
is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get 
another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off 
this sky scraper."
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he 
jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction 
worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and 
killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter 
sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first 
construction worker said, 
"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."
The wife of the second construction worker said, 
"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."
The wife of the third construction worker said, 
"I don't know why Josef jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"

Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work. 

Three blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, 
"A round of drinks for me and my friends." 
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, 
"To 39 days!" and they drink. 

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, 
the blondes toast "To 39 days!" and they drink. 

After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to 
ask what the toast means. The head blonde says, 
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four 
years" and we finished it in 39 days". 

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.
The first blonde says "They're deer tracks."
The second blonde says "They're bear tracks."
The third blonde says "They're moose tracks."
Then a train hits them. 

Why did the blonde take 16 of her friends to the movies. 
There was a sign out front that said �Under 17 not admitted�

Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic?
There�s a year long waiting list.

A Pole goes to the doctor. He says,
�Doc, it hurts everywhere.�
He points to his arm and says,
�Ow�
He points to his leg and says,
�Ow�
He points to his stomach and says,
�Ow�
�Are you Polish?� the doctor asks.
�Yes, why?�
�You have a broken finger.�

Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna
152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central 
Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed,
"I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a 
message to my mother in Poland!" 
The man arched an eyebrow.
"Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, 
"Follow me".
He walked into the next room and ordered, 
"Come in and close the door" 
She did. He then said, 
"Get on your knees"
She did. Then he said, 
"Take down my zipper"
She did. He said, 
"Go ahead...take it out" 
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed 
his eyes and whispered, 
"Well....go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to 
her lips she said loudly,
"HELLO.....MOM???"

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that 
worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It
tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and
our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch
the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught
his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell
them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was
2 inches taller than the black one.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After
becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the 
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair 
of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, 
"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a 
big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.  Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun 
in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly 
toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of 
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of
the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the 
blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to amuse.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
The back of her head.

What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin.'

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammer.

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"I wonder if it's mine?"

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Why does it say TGIF on a blonde's shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why do blondes smile when they see lightning?
They think their picture is being taken.

Why did the blonde return her new scarf?
It was too tight.

Did you hear about the Polish hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.

Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldn't learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot's been sighted.

What do you call twenty blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, 
This is your suspect,  how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear
are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, 
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds
"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

How does a Pole spell farm?
E, I , E, I, O

How does a Pole know when it's midnight?
The sun is straight down.

Why doesn't the Pole like M & M s?
They are too hard to peel.

Did you hear about the Pole who bought a snow tire?
It melted on his way home.

Did you hear about the Polish terrorist who was sent to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Did you hear about the Polish coyote?
He chewed through three legs but he was still caught in the trap.

Did you hear about the Pole who forgot to pay his garbage bill?
They stopped delivering.

A man asked his Polish friend to go stand in front of his car and tell 
him if his turn signals were working.
"They're working." the Pole said. "Oh, now they're  not. Now they are.
Now they're not. Now they are."

Why didn't the Pole call 911 when he had an emergency?
He couldn't find the eleven on his phone.

A Pole was conducting an experiment with a dog. He cut off one of the
dogs' legs and called him. The dog limped over. He logged the results
in his notebook. He cut off another leg and called to the dog and 
again the dog limped over. He logged the results in his notebook. Once
more he cut off one of the dogs' legs and called to the dog. The dog 
crawled over. Again he wrote the results into his notebook. He cut off
the dogs' last leg and called to the dog. Nothing happened. The Pole 
opened his notebook and wrote,
"Cut off fourth leg - dog went deaf."

A Pole was stuck in the desert with an Italian and a Jew. They found an 
old lamp and when they rubbed it a genie came out and granted them each 
one wish. The Italian said,
"I've been stuck out here so long, I miss my friends and family. I wish 
I were back home."
Then there was a POOF and the Italian disappeared.
The Jew said,
"I've been stuck out here so long, I miss my friends and family. I wish 
I were back home."
Then there was a POOF and the Jew disappeared.
The Pole said,        
"I've been stuck out here so long, I miss my friends and family. I wish
those two other guys were back here."
Then there was a POOF and the Italian and the Jew reappeared.

A Pole was stuck in the desert with an Italian and a Jew. They found an 
old lamp and when they rubbed it a genie came out and granted them each 
one wish. The Italian said,
"I've been stuck out here so long, I'm so hungry. I wish I had a big plate 
of food."
Then there was a POOF and a huge plate of food appeared.
The Jew said,
"I've been stuck out here so long, I'm so thirsty. I wish I had a big jug 
of soda."
Then there was a POOF and a huge jug of soda appeared.
The Pole said,
"I've been stuck out here so long. I wish I had the car door from my car 
back home."
"Why would you want that?" the Jew and Italian asked. 
"Because it's so hot out here, I wish I could roll down the window."

Did you hear about the old Pole who wanted to be buried at sea?
His two sons drowned trying to dig his grave.

How come the Pole couldn't make Kool-Aid?
He couldn't figure out how to get a quart of water into that little packet.

A Pole finds out his wife was cheating on him. He gets so upset that he 
pulls a gun out in front of her and points it at his own head.
"Don't laugh," he shouts as she starts to chuckle, "You're next."

Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
It opens on impact.

A Pole walks into a bar carrying a handful of dog poop.
"Hey look", he says to the bartender, "look what I almost stepped in."

A Pole an Italian and a Jew were to be executed by a firing squad. The
Italian guy was brought up and blindfolded and as the commander yelled,
"Ready, aim ..."
"Earthquake!" the Italian yelled.
As the soldiers panicked the Italian escaped.
The Jewish guy was then brought up to the front of the squad and as the
commander yelled,
"Ready, aim ..."
"Avalanche!" the Jew yelled.
As the soldiers panicked the Jew escaped.
The Pole was then brought up to the front of the squad and as the commander
yelled,  
"Ready, aim ..." the Pole seizing on the idea of the other two guys yells,
"Fire!"

It was early Friday afternoon and the boss announced that he was
leaving early. Five minutes after he left so did the entire staff. On
arriving home, Josef, the Polish mail clerk, discovered his boss in
bed with his wife. He quietly left without being noticed. The next 
week the boss again left early and five minutes later the entire staff
started to leave except for Josef.
"Why don�t you leave too Joe, the boss won�t be back."
"Oh no," Josef said, "Last week I almost got caught."

When the rape victim was broughtinto the room, what did the Pole in the
police lineup say?
"That�s her. That�s the one."

A cop sees a car weaving down the road and pulls it over. The beautiful
women in the car shows her license to the officer.
"Have you been drinking, Miss Kawalski?" the officer asks.
As she nods her head the cop unzips his fly.
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test."

How can you tell if a Pole has been using your computer?
There�s white out on the screen.

Did you hear about the Polish streetwalker?
She moved to Venice and drowned.

Did you hear about the Pole who locked his keys in his car?
It took him hours to get his family out.