When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to
forgive me. 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. 
I don't like to interrupt her.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? 
About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said,
"God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?  
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

I heard yesterday that second hand smoke kills. I�m so relieved I smoke.

I was thinking of getting an A.M. radio but I�m rarely up that early.

Even when I used to strike out with women they always admired my figure - 
I�d walk away and hear them say 
"What a waist"

He was so fat his shadow once killed a dog

Pat Buchanon says there is no room in his campaign for racists and anti-semites. 
Those positions were filled months ago

Dole is opposed to abortion except in cases of rape, incest or the survival of 
the candidate  

My sister is marrying her perfect match.
He�s a seismologist and she has lots of faults.

I asked my girlfriend how come she never tells me when shes satisfied. 
She said it was because I was never there

They discovered the food that makes women stop wanting to have sex.
Wedding cake.

Me and my last girlfriend were incompatible.
I�m a night person and she didn�t like me.

The secret of a good marriage is not to go to bed angry. 
So far its been two years since I�ve slept.

Mom is a ventriliquist. 
For ten years I thought my dog was telling me to kill my dad.

I had plastic surgery recently.
They took all my credit cards away.

I�ve been calling the psychic hotline alot recently.
She told me I see in your future a large phone bill.

My grandfather died leading a group at Simon Says. He had an attack. He fell
to the floor clutching his heart and with his last breaths yelled for an 
ambulance. Nobody moved - he forgot to say Simon Says.

I heard you should keep your wallet in your shoe in bad neighborhoods but it 
doesn�t work. I got mugged the other day and the first thing the guy did was 
grab my shoe out of my hand.

I take my puppy to a man who is both a vetenarian and a taxidermist. 
Either way I get my dog back.

I was driving down the road when I heard a load snap, the car comes to a stop 
and a cloud of white smoke comes out the vent. 
I know that I either have a serious mechanical problem or they�ve just elected 
a new pope.

The worst plane disaster I ever heard of was when a Chinese jet liner crashed 
in the mountains. The survivors had to eat the dead for thirty days until they 
were rescued. Isn�t that horrible. I can�t imagine having to eat chinese every 
day for a month.

It�s reported that recently a baby was born possessing both male and female sex
organs. 
It had a penis and a brain.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would 
kill you?
A pool table.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.