Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other 
products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce 
compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or 
Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, 
"He who has a Tates is lost!"

The sergeant who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother 
telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 
"No change yet."

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 
"You stay here, I'll go on a-head."

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A thief broke into the local police station n and stole all the toilets and urinals, 
leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size 
from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance 
of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for 
any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked 
him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math 
disruption.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. 
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the 
ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus 
said, 
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." 
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am 
the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in 
Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the 
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. 
Her husband responds, 
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency 
exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for 
dollars and she was a little irritated... 
She asked the teller, 
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 
"Fluctuations". 
The Asian lady says, 
"Fluc you white people, too".

This guy had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.
One day, the supermarket got new orange-juicing machines. 
The bag boy asked the manager if he could work the juice machines. 
The manager said no. 
Hurt, the bag boy said, 
"Why not? I've been working here five years." 
The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple 
lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds 
was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together 
and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they 
could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn't grow, 
they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.
As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their 
little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the 
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but 
their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for  their good works 
and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By 
this time, they had tired of the florist's constant whining and they ignored him. The 
florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower 
business, but they ignored her, too.
By this time, the florist was nearly backrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, 
the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the good friars to close. 
Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical 
problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and 
trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he�d be back if they didn�t 
close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only 
Hugh can prevent florist friars

Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through 
the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- 
putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian 
tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital 
and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was 
so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, 
except that his duplicate had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the 
clone, but, alas, he could not make him clean up his language. He got so tired of
it that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to 
him, and yelled
"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?", the mad scientist asked.
"For making an obscene clone fall."

There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired 
professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in 
the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, 
'Have you read Marx?'
To which the professor of psychology said, 
'Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs.'

Did you hear about the librarian who wanted to brush up on amourous techniques, and 
checked out "How to Hug" from the library? It turned out to be volume 8 of the 
encyclopedia.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it 
sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous 
actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The 
second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and 
announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for 
the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 
"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." 
His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. 
He asks the waiter,
"What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter says, 
"Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, 
"How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal 
work? 
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby 
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came 
out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut 
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would 
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came 
in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to 
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a 
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly 
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king
of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. 
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. 
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me 
crazy. What's wrong with me?" 
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his 
Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes 
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet 
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. 
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became 
quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with 
very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a ... 
"Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was 
satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good 
nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put
up the following effective sign: 
This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters A.D.N. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What do you call a blind deer?
I have no idea.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

Quasimoto, the bell ringer at Notre Dame, is retiring. He advertises 
for a replacement to apply at the bell tower. The first day a man 
comes up and asks for the job. Unfortunately he has no arms. Quasimoto
says, 
"Look, I'm sympathetic to people with handicaps, but how will you be 
able to ring the bells with no arms?"
"No problem. I run up to the bell and hit it with my head."
"OK," says Quasimoto, "Let's see you do it".
So the guy goes all the way back, runs up to one of the bells, leaps 
and hits it face first. It rings with a beautiful tone. Quasimoto is 
impressed.  
"Very nice but can you handle that big bell over there?"
So the guy goes all the way to the back of the tower, runs at top speed
and leaps at the bell.  He misses, flies out of the tower and smashes 
on the ground. The police come up to the tower.  
"Mr. Quasimoto, do you know who that unfortunate chap is?"
"No I don't.  But his face sure rings a bell."

The next week another man applies for the job and he also has no arms. 
Quasimoto says,
"I'm really sorry but last week someone else came here with no arms and
it was a disaster."
"Ah that was my brother, Jacque the Clumsy. Believe me sir, I am ten 
times better."
So Quasimoto gives the man a chance. He goes to the end of the tower, 
bends into a starting position, and dashes toward the biggest bell. He 
misses it and flies out of the tower and crashes to the ground.
The police come up again.  
"Do you know who that fellow on the ground is?"
"No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his 
head out of the hole and said 
"Mmmmmmm, I smell sausage". 
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said
"Mmmmmmm, I smell pancakes".
The baby mole tried to reach his head
outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby 
mole said,
"The only thing I can smell is molasses".

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began 
to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to 
the other and said, 
"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady and asked, 
"Can ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, 
"Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her
skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman
was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to 
breathe.The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, 
"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

Zeke was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several
hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was
to fertilize the eggs. Zeke kept records and any rooster or pullet that 
didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an
awful lot of time. So when he saw a set of eight tiny bells that each
rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam 
rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when 
violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed
a Mint Julep. Now Zeke could sit on the porch and sip while filling out 
an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones
of the bells and marking down each encounter. Zeke's favorite rooster was 
old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and his bell did not ring all 
morning. Zeke went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets,
bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. 
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeke was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster
was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize 
but also the Pullet Surprise.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. 
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, 
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, 
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins 
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested 
and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal 
porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies 
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of 
a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When 
the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
and said, 
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to 
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It 
turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico 
rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory 
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the 
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, 
"I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an
elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became 
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the 
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have 
just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, 
most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the 
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the 
next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican 
people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So
much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still 
observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

A psychologist decides to throw a party for all his clients and decides 
to make it a "theme" party. He instucts them all to come dressed up as an 
"emotion". The first guest arrives dressed all in red. He looks at her and
says,
"hmm, red with rage.That's very good." 
The 2nd guest comes dressed all in green. He says,
"green with envy, very, very good." 
The next guy comes in dressed just like he always does except his fly is 
open and he has a pear stuck on the end of his penis. The doctor looks 
puzzled and says,
"Ok, I give up. What emotion is your costume supposed represent?" 
The guy says to the doc 
"I'm fuckin-in-despair". 

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, 
there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists
have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking 
stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next
door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession,
one of them looked at his watch and said, 
"Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some 
extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together 
with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their 
places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed 
the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. 
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of 
the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she  had  not had a date or 
any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong 
with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese
sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, 
Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said,
"Your  probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see,
dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, 
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, 
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told 
by his boss to lay off either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one 
because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a
fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and 
turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would
lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow 
would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office
for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the 
office. 
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you 
or Jack off." 
"Oh, jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the 
Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a
building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses.  "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, 
"How did this place get a name like �Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, 
"Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, 
"Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, 
was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from 
Poland. Lady look at him and go, 
'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and go, 
'What your name?'
I say, 
'Sem Ting.'"

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Pokemon--n., a Rastafarian proctologist.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics--n.,pranks conducted by young men studying for the 
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's 
prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist 
immediately before he or she examines you.
Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any 
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing 
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Acme: a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease). 
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
Decafalon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window. 
DIOS: the one true operating system. 
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. 
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous 
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass. 
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness. 
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. 
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad 
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. 
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. 
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. 
Sarchasm:the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. 
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family. 

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a 
well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and 
provide a definition for the new expression: 

RIGOR MORRIS     The cat is dead. 
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID     Honk if you're Scottish. 
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?     Can you drive a French motorcycle? 
VENI, VIPI, VICI     I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. 
VENI, VIDI, VISA     I came, I saw, I shopped. 
COGITO EGGO SUM     I think, therefore I am ... a waffle. 
QUE SERA SERF     Life is feudal. 
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI     The king is dead. No kidding. 
POSH MORTEM     Death styles of the rich and famous. 
PRO BOZO PUBLICO     Support your local clown. 
MONAGE A TROIS     I am three years old. 
HASTE CUISINE     Fast French food. 
QUIP PRO QUO     A fast retort. 
ALOHA OY     Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know. 
MAZEL TON     Tons of luck. 
VISA LA FRANCE     Don't leave your chateau without it. 
CARNE DIEM     Seize the meat. 

Units of measurement

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond 
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 
2000 pounds of Chinese soup:Won ton 
1 millionth mouthwash:1 microscope 
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle 
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 
365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling 
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 
1,000,000 aches: 1 megahurtz 
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram 
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line 
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn 
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," 
the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 
365.25 days: 1 unicycle 
2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 
10 cards: 1 decacards 
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 
1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo 
10 rations: 1 decoration 
100 rations: 1 C-ration 
10 millipedes: 1 centipede 
10 monologues: 5 dialogues 
2 monograms: 1 diagram 
8 nickels: 2 paradigms