Humorous Insights from Life

A little Stephen Wright for you...

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me .. they were cramming
for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do - write to these men? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for
them while they delivered the mail?
* Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the OTHERS here for?
* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* Clones are people two.
* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?
* No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. *
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * Ever
wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
* So what's the speed of dark?
* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? *
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? * Disney World is a
people trap operated by a mouse? * Since light travels faster than
sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldnit they be called builts?

~Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

~If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

~Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?

Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

~If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

~When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

~Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

~Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

~When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

~Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

~Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

~Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

~If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to
make terrible?

~Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

~"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest
sentence?

~If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
~Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
~Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
~If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called "Holes?"

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

A day without sunshine is like.........................night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Borrow money from a pessimist --- they don't expect it back.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the
bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous --- tomorrow.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Hope you enjoyed these little thought provoking, laugh inducing comments and insights.