Sunday, July 14, 2002 - 3:27pm
too much - overwhelmed
I decided to take today to just chill by myself, as I've spent most of last week with people all the time. I need time alone so I can just regroup and center myself, or else I get irritated being around people constantly. But being alone.. I was consumed with introspective thoughts.. and I just broke down. The floodgates opened, and a lot of emotions that I set aside came in full force, all at once. I have a headace from bawling. My breath is jagged, and my eyes sting. So many things are happening, inside and outside of me, and I thought I was strong enough to shoulder it all. There's so much. It's overwhelming. And I feel so alone.
Sunday, July 14, 2002 - 8:55am
umm.. - not sure
I could be way off, but I have a bad feeling...
Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 11:17am
Sesame Street gets serious
An HIV-positive Muppet <--- whoa
Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 9:20am
a night to remember - mood: groggy, tired, sleepy, and all similar adjectives
So if I feel the way I do, wtf am I doing up at this hour? It sucks having the downstairs bedroom w/o a fucking door.. everyone came down at 9am or so, starting talking/watching TV/playing with the dog (getting her to jump on my bed.. grrr), and I've been up ever since. Can't wait to move out. I'll have French doors to protect my sleep (and perhaps I could have someone behind the doors, speaking �ber-sexy French to me..? *g*). I gave up trying to regain my dreaming state, and subsequently decided to sit and record the events of last evening. It's good to start in the beginning, don't you think?
I was at work; it's 2pm or so, and I'm antsy as all hell. I wanted to get out of there and make my way across the Sound.. gah, I wanted to do *something* aside from just sitting there plugging away at Excel spreadsheets! Was msg.-ing Leigh at the time (as we've done for the last few days) and someone came up with the
magnificent idea that I should catch an earlier ferry... I call Leigh up, confirm change of plans, go to change clothes, and blissfully leave the office, heading out to the Bainbridge ferry. I magically find parking instantly, and end up catching the ferry *before* the one we agreed upon. The trip across took fucking forever, so I decided to call Nicole and see how she was doing. She woke up giddy yesterday too :) That was a great way to kill time; we finally docked and I strode out to the terminal. I call Leigh, and start to wander around the terminal. I spot him talking on his phone, and I'm not sure if he saw me and decided to play it off as though he didn't, but it was oddly reminiscent of "Clueless". Two people within close proximity of each other talking on cell phones :D We recognize each other, say hi, and hug XD
Perpetual Mental Note: Leigh is fucking hot.
Since our date started a few hours earlier than originally planned, Leigh came up with the
magnificent idea of just chillin' on the grass at Greenlake. We took advantage of the beautiful day; set up camp under a tree and just talked for an hour or so, which isn't a problem since we've been talking for days on end so far. Found out we both invested in decent sunglasses :) although mine were cracked from swimming through my bag and not being in their case. I like his pair though - everything looks so vibrant through them. Yellow tint does that to the world. Leigh tells me about a girl that'd walk around on campus barefoot, wearing a cape, and how much he'd like to tell her he hates her from the get-go for volunteering to not wear shoes, when there are people in the world who can't get shoes no matter what they do. More feet than shoes in the world. I tell Leigh about random, silly things, as usual :)
Appetites grew and dinner-time rolled around, so we book it to Stella's. It's oddly empty as we walk in. Eventually the place filled up, and it was decided we are just hardcore trendsetters.. the crowds follow
us, not the other way around :D The waiter reminded me of Chris Kattan, and just had a creepy vibe about him - the guy didn't even know what their special consisted of, although it should be obvious... halibut piccata. Leigh tried to help the guy, but he wasn't havin' it. I order bolognese, and unwittingly answer "yes" to one of the waiter's questions... my bowl of bolognese shows up looking great.. aside from the huge sausage and two meatballs they strategically placed on top of the pasta. It just looked bizarre :) Leigh's fettucine was really good. I couldn't finish what I ate.. not trying to seem dainty or anything, I was just honestly full :)
After dinner, we head next door to check out "Minority Report". I was �ber-bold as we were watching the story unfold - I held his hand :D That movie
owned! It was awesome - I suggest that you see it. Truly makes you think. I wouldn't recommend drinking a lot before sitting down to see it though.. :) Leigh and I were totally guilty of that, but what are we to do when the nice girl keeps refilling our water glasses?
We make our way to Rand's apartment for his birthday party after the movie. I was excited to see Geraldine again, and curious to meet Rand. Most everyone was well on their way to getting blitzed; Leigh and I had strawberry daquiris. I was also convinced by Rob, the benevolent 'bartender'/reigning sovereign of the Kingdom of Booze *lol*, to take 2 shots of Malibu, which is coconut rum. I didn't regret it, it went down smooth and was yummy. I stopped at that though; no need to get all shit-faced on our first date. Just enough to feel a buzz. Geraldine and I had a "down with John" conversation, which Rand happily joined. Seems like he was on a "fucking-people-over" roll or something. I felt bad mentioning him though, with Leigh there. The past is the past. Rand is
hilarious when he's drunk (I'm sure he's just as funny sober); if he wasn't singing by himself in the corner, he was dancing and stripping :D Geraldine got it all taped! They were a fun bunch - everyone was very friendly and easy to talk to. At around 1am (was it then, or later?), I suggest that we sit outside because it was blazing in the apartment. So me, Leigh, Rand, and... aww, I can't remember his name :( all sit out on the bitchin' porch, around a table. It was very nice, sitting in the cool night breeze and shooting the shit. And again, the crowds followed us.. everyone else joined us within the hour. Had tons of laughs; was there for Leigh when nobody chuckled at his sparkling wit (it's cuz they were drunk and sleepy, I think).
The time came to leave.. it was 3am. The last ferry was long gone. Leigh was a total sweetheart (although he didn't have much of a choice) - he drove me from Rand's place to Bainbridge Island. His car passed the 1000 mile mark at exactly 3:30am. It was very momentous :) We get to Bainbridge, and decide it's best for Leigh to catch the first ferry home, instead of driving all the way back.
Magnificent idea. So we chill in his car until he has to board the boat. I think an agreement was reached that we want to see each other again - even got a kiss to seal the deal XD I had a great time! I hope he did too... *waits to read Leigh's journal, and
his take on last night*
No pics, btw... two cameras were brought, but kinda forgotten about :) That's fine; as you can see, I remember most everything that happened last night. I can take pics of him sometime.
Came home this morning at 6am - you know you had a great time the night before when you get home as the sun is peeking out from beyond the horizon :D Now it's time to crawl back into bed... must go and see Nicole today though.
Friday, July 12, 2002 - 10:04am
IT'S FRIDAY!!! AAAAHHHH!!!! - mood: �ber-excited
So how excited is Cathy? Beyond just earthly-excited... she's astral-plane excited. It's a whole new level of excitement XD I'm so ready for this... I'm absolutely fucking giddy :D We talked last night until about 1am! Can't wait, can't wait! But I must wait, and I must work to pass the time (and actually
earn my money... yeesh) Before I know it, I'll be on my way to the ferry. We're going to dinner, a movie, and a party. It'll be great to see Geraldine again - haven't seen her since we first met back in February. I have my camera all set, I'm sure Leigh has his prepped and rarin' to go :D
Thanks for those of you who have expressed concerns about me dating again. I appreciate knowing that you've got my back and my best interests at heart, but do you really want to see me mope at home,
alone, for months? I think not. I'm not even bummed out. As I said - I'm so ready for this. It's absolutely in my best interest to go out and meet new people. Lucky for me that the first one I met feels like a kindred spirit.
Random message for Leigh:
FJORD FEVER!!!!! LOL
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 7:06pm
Thank you! - mood: grateful
Thanks to Matthew for being the winning bidder for my Playstation auction on eBay! I appreciate it, my friend - it will be on its way to you starting tomorrow morning. You got a great deal! Have fun; I loved those games :*( I spent many hours playing them (and beating a few... I kicked FF7's ass).
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 6:38pm
gah, it's so hot.. but it won't ruin my mood - mood: excited
Decided that I should update - I'm having some visitors to the blog, from what I understand :)
Back from work.. and what a day it was there. I really didn't get much done at all :) I have a few tasks to take care of tomorrow and the next day, so the time should go by fast. Debbie is taking the next 2 days off, so there goes my afternoon office-gossip session. She keeps me in the loop with all the shit that goes down. It's like an addiction to bad talk shows, which I don't watch, thank goodness! They make your brains all meltie..
Went shopping after work. Found the best outfit for Friday :D I'm so stoked! And yes, I
am lucky. I can't wait!
I have Nicole's approval. Gave her the link to Leigh's journal; she cracked up (laughing with him, not at him, of course)! Loves him already without having to meet him. Makes total sense though - he was born on Apr. 14, I was born on Apr. 16, and Nicole was born on Apr. 18! We're all of the same mind massive ;)
Just updating from Dustin's house - haven't seen him and Christina and Adam since... Saturday :D Our night of paranoia in the dark... I'll never forget it! Starship Troopers, anyone??? Gonna leave and get home soon. I have a phone call to make :D
One quick thing to Brandin and Jesse: thanks for killing the blog today :D Free web-hosting doesn't take too kindly to intense data transfer... must find new host.
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 12:54pm
let the lyrics speak my mind - mood: blissful
Thought that I was going crazy
Just having one those days, yeah
Didn't know what to do
Then there was you
And everything went from wrong to right
And the stars came out and filled up the sky
The music you were playing really blew my mind
It was love at first sight
'cause baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
We were meant to be as one
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 - 9:10am
solamente dos d�as m�s...
I'm enjoying my breakfast at the moment - a cinnamon roll (nuked,
of course) and lemonade. Must have a summer beverage to go with
my summery look. Orange goes well with my tan :D The president of
the company walked by my cube this morning and said, "My, don't you
look summery today.." "Yes, Mr. Myers - thank you." You dirty old
man, you :D
Had the best phone call and the best email within a few hours of each
other! Even printed out the email and pinned it to one of my cubicle
walls... only where I can see it, of course :) Aaahh, this is so exciting!
I can't wait 'till Friday! Two words: John who? :D
Random "The State" quote for Leigh to laugh about: "DAMN THIS SIDEWAYS HOUSE!!!!!"
Tuesday, July 9, 2002 - 7:42pm
I'm not one for mood swings, but.. - mood: warm and �ber-happy
I'm such a happy girl right now :D
Tuesday, July 9, 2002 - 8:37am
so I'm not alone... - mood: thoughtful
Everyone has been so wonderful. The Tech support dept. bought me
flowers yesterday. Word travels fast at work, I guess :) I just told
one person, but that's all it takes, right? I was successfully managing
5, count 'em, 5 IM convo's at once before dinner last night. My phone
was off the hook! I have the coolest friends, honestly. I love you all.
Especially Nicole - she called me and read me the funniest story about how
female snowy owls will treat her possible mate like shit before finally
succumbing to his charms. He'll bring her one dead mouse after another, but
she'll just eat them and give him the cold shoulder until she feels that he's
given her a mouse that's *just right*, like Goldilocks, kinda.. only more grotesque.
The moral of the story: treat guys like shit to get them to chase you and
give you things :D I think we all know I couldn't do that, but still, it
made me smile. Thanks sweetie. ::hugs::
I have to write about a most embarrassing situation that occured yesterday,
then I'll end with something awesome. It was an hour or so before lunch when
my grandma calls me at work. I'm thinking something bad happened, but she
sounded calm over the phone. She called to tell me that John called the house.
I'm totally baffled - he knows that I work a set schedule, and if he wanted to
get a hold of me, he'd call my cell or my extension at work. I ask her if she's
sure it was him, and she said that whoever was on the phone said to please "tell
Cathy that John called." Fair enough. So I call John... my heart is pounding
in my chest and my ears (wonder if anybody else heard it)... I ask him if he
called my house... and he says "no, I didn't..." Faaaaaaack!!! My 1st thought is:
"He must think this is some lame ploy to hear his voice, or to talk to him and
get him to reconsider and take me back.. DAMMIT!" So I tell the truth by saying
that I was at work, I'm busy, sorry to bug ya, gotta go. *CLICK* I'm so damn
embarrassed. So for the record, buddy - I didn't call you to hear your voice!
Don't stroke your ego or anything.
Now onto more happy things - had an *awesome* conversation with a really cool guy
last night. Gave him a link at your right (can you find it?) We had a great little
sympathy party. I told him my story, he told me his. Tons of eerie similarities!
We, born under the sign of Aries, were jilted by two born under the sign of Cancer.
Makes sense I guess - water signs are always flowing, moving and
changing. It's
not bad to change, but they're so
quick to change, like a fast-flowing river.
It leaves those in its wake totally confused! So any-who, I felt much better after
talking to him. It's great to talk to someone who genuinely says "hey, me too!" It's
a wonderful thing to know someone who shares the same sort of thought process. I'm
very happy. We'll have to talk again sometime, my fellow junglist! w00t to that!
Monday, July 8th, 2002 - 11:29am
"Castles made of sand fall in the sea eventually" - mood: down, but not out
So I was dumped this morning. What a way to start the week, huh? So instead of keeping it all bottled up, I'll just let my thoughts flow into my blog. I apologize in advance if they're erratic, childish, melodramatic, and lacking in refinement. So here goes...
Damn. Story of my life to which I'm doomed to repeat for a few more years, I'm sure: meet boy, like boy, boy likes me back, hang out with boy, decide to exclusively date boy, allow feelings for boy to become deeper and more profound, boy stays at initial interest level, disagreements and jealousy occur, boy says "
fuck this!!!" and leaves, may or may not remain in contact. There are exceptions that are particular to certain relationships, and it doesn't necessarily go in that order, but that's what basically happens. Conclusion: I care too much too quickly. And why, for god's sake?! Why do I do that when I know it's failed in the past? I used to take pride in knowing that I really don't have "walls" for people to break down; I'm very open about how I feel, and can readily express it even when words fail to properly convey the message. I feel very strongly and passionately about everything I do and everyone I know. Ask any of my friends - I'm more likely to feel your pain more than you feel your own. Same goes for joy. In a sense, I'm still proud that I'm so in touch with my feelings. But I've seen how that backfires, and I'm really entertaining the idea of having a wall or two. It seems like everybody does (the people I encounter, anyway) so why not go with the flow? It almost seems fucking *trendy* to be aloof, cold, and uncaring. I still haven't really answered my own question. Why do I care so much so quickly? Perhaps it's an innate quality that I can't change, and I should be happy because some people can never be like that, no matter how hard they try. Some would call me naive. I know I've really tried to keep my feelings for some people simple and easy to manage, but it never stays that way.
Do I have a thing for setting myself up to fail? Or maybe I actually, on some twisted level, enjoy feeling rejected, so I can hear everyone say "there, there, don't cry - he's missing out." Yeah, they sure *are* missing out. And they know it too - they all come back eventually anyway. Every single one, without fail. Some of my exes read this blog daily out of sincere curiosity and maybe a touch of guilt (hi Jesse, hi Jeff). Clary has yet to miss a birthday of mine, although I've missed some of his (sorry, dude). Paul called on Saturday for the 2nd time in 2 weeks, wanting to know if he could buy me a plane ticket so I can visit him in England. What really sucks is when they call, apologizing for whatever it is they've done (neglect, not enough time, cheating, whatever), and trying to convince me that they've "changed, and would like to pick up where we left off". To that I raise my middle finger and say a huge "
FUCK YOU!!!" You had a chance. I wasn't worth staying with the first time around - what makes you think the 2nd time will be any better? How dare you think I'm just sitting idly by, waiting for you to come back to me. Fuck all that.
Bad timing seems to be my MO also - I meet a great guy and after I fall for him, I find out that I'm just a rebound, or all he really wanted was a 6-month fuck buddy, but didn't want to label it that exactly because it would make him look bad. It's one thing to have a one-night stand, it's another thing entirely to start a relationship giving the impression that both people want more out of it, yet after a while one person suddenly doesn't have the time, energy, and desire to make it happen. I'm so sick of guys who think of relationships as jail-time. A good relationship makes you feel liberated, not chained down. I'm also sick of the fact that I fall for guys like this. Damn fucking vicious circle.
Why should my happiness correlate with whether I have a boyfriend or not? That's a fucked up way to live. And maybe that's my problem - anyone who knows me knows that I'm hardly ever without a boyfriend. It's time for me to just be alone, really get to know myself and become a more whole, better person. I'm sure future boyfriends would appreciate that.
So now that I'm available again, what do I do? Pine? Fuck that. It doesn't do anything except make you feel unnecessarily more lonely and sorry for yourself. Party? A little, but not the way I partied last summer. That was extreme. I don't want to have another phase like that again. I don't feel like hunting for a replacement right now. We'll find each other someday when we're not looking. I think my best remedy right now would be to hang out with friends that love me no matter what (you guys know who you are), keep busy, get a new hobby or two, and meet new people. And blog, of course :D
Dustin, Christina - I'm coming over after work. I'll make dinner and do the dishes, even. I just don't want to be alone tonight.
Monday, July 8th, 2002 - 8:56am
this is just a test... - mood: busy
Just wanted to archive last week's posts. Will write more later. There's fucking
plenty to write about.
