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Almost two weeks! I'm not without excuses though - reading week took my away from my computer.. plus I kind of liked that rant from the 12th.. depending on who you ask it's genius or a string of clich�s, but I just consider it a bunch of words that I wanted to say.

The last 12 days have had their fair share of events.. First off, The Rock Band's show at West End Cultural Centre was sweet, even with cars dying and people disappearing.. Erin, Krist and I got to hang out with the guys a fair bit after they were done and we snagged some autographs too! Good times!

The Manitoba Moose held a tribute to the WHA Jets game that I was able to make it to thanks to Brent and his Dad - the Moose kicked ass and Brandon Reid scored 4 goals (tying a Moose record)! I also scored a free poster out of the deal and apparently Kara was there too and saw us.

I also made my return to the game of poker over the break - a quick 70 dollar win, thanks to good cards at what seemed to be all the right times.. Normally when I win I feel like I did something especially clever to earn it but this time the cards just showed up at all the right times and were bad enough during the rest so I didn't overplay them.

Before I get all thoughtful and sentimental here, I should tell you to check out the new Band of the Week (or month, if you counted the days on that 3 Doors Down one..)

There are times when I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Something happens to me and I just kind of shrug it off when I'm pretty sure that at some other time I would care deeply about it.. or something happens that brings tears to my eyes that I could probably shrug off at some other time.. I've never been so detached from my emotions as I am now, and I don't really know why. "I search for comfort and I find it where I've found it many times before, times before can be forgotten" - Eve 6.. but you know what, this time I don't find it there. Am I looking for something new? A new friend, a new part of myself, something new to pour myself into? Or am I looking back, thinking that I should pour myself back into things I used to be a part of? Maybe I've been spoiled, but there's always been someone around to help me answer these questions and to show that they understand me.. where are all of you now? I don't feel you anymore...

And when all is said and done, you'll look at that rant like the ramble that it is and miss the message that is written all over it.. You don't want to go there. I wonder who "you" is supposed to mean.

"All I can do is swear and - swear it won't happen again - I won't let you close to me" - The Rock Band

February 12th, 2004

I am the kind of person..

When I WALK, people stand and stare and DON'T WALK. When I sing, people shut up and look at me with a blank visage (fancy word for face). And when I talk, people listen, but they never hear a word I say. Sometimes they don't listen.

Take good news in stride. Take bad news in stride. Smile. Don't ever let them see you coming. Take insults with a smile on your face and return them with a smile on your face. Dance. If someone wrongs you, let them know about it the instant it happens. The same goes for when someone does right by you. Silence is a better conversationalist than stupidity. Life is nothing more than timing and perception, so if you can put a smile on your face and use the proper BODY LANGUAGE (the little mermaid) then you're halfway to success. The rest is just showing up and/or getting the fuck out of where you are at the right time. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight, out of mind. Intentions bridge the gap.

Blood is thicker than water. Love is thicker than blood. If something appears too good to be true, it probably is, but you should go for the gold every once in a while, even if you get burnt. Life is short, your youth is shorter. The only thing worse than a 19 year old too shy to talk to people at parties is a 25 year old who still hasn't learned. The hottie across the bar is worth a shot. Confidence is the deal breaker. Confidence is ALWAYS the deal breaker. Fuck what the people tell you - you only get one life and only so many days, so fill it with what you want to and never change your ways. Unless you want to.

One chance to play guitar. One chance to dance at the bar. One chance to find them and in the darkness bind them *a joke*. Laughter is the best medicine. Wit is the single most underrated aspect of personality. For the love of god, if there's any chance that you'll look back at today and wish that you kissed her, by all means kiss her.

No matter what you say or do, you will be forgotten, so for the life of you, make good and sure you leave a mark in the pavement. And no matter what you write, you will not be immortal. Leave a part of you behind.

Because the only thing worse than frantic screaming is quiet desperation.

February 8th, 2004

Trust your family. They will be there for you, no matter how many times you feel like they could never understand. No matter how many times you are angry with them, how many nights they spend awake wondering how you grew so distant... no matter how many tears either or any of you shed. For whatever reason, and obviously with biological roots, there is a bond like no other between family members - believe in your blood and never take your family for granted. You never know when you'll need them or they'll need you.

On the other side of this, don't trust your friends. Don't trust the people in your life other than the ones whose best interests are explicitly and implicitly the same as yours. Where the best interests of your family will reflect your best interests 90% of the time and they will go the extra mile to take care of your needs, anyone else will look out for only themself. I understand that the flow of these two paragraphs is fairly choppy and it may be getting annoying to read, but it is choppy with intention: to reinforce the same message: there is no one in the world who will ever look out for you unless looking out for you benefits them. It benefits your family to look out for you. Trust them and love them. It occasionally benefits your friends to look out for you. Often it doesn't. Know the difference.

"Honesty's a virtue that can hurt you - let it be" - Eve 6

January 28th, 2004

I got a job! An ironic one! I'm poor and I will be working for a call centre asking U of M alumni for donations. Training is on February 8th. I also have two assignments and a test to do for Monday.. actually to get ready for by Saturday if I can. On a last note of business, volunteering was alright - I met engineers from across Canada and talked about their projects with them.. then I ate their pizza.

There's a talent show on February 3rd (the night of RSAC elections) that I might try to put a band in for, but I doubt it. No point unless we find someone who can sing. Speaking of RSAC elections, Dan is running for president, Rob for VP Finance, Ian for the Perspective, Kara for VP Administration and Kreepy and D3 are both running for VP Services - good luck to all of you!

When those elections are over, I will be applying to be these guys' bar manager for next year. It would be nice to see some Pinawa tradition carring through, what with Dan being this year's guy and Craig before him. It's also a paid position and therefor makes living in res a more likely option for next year.

Alas, there is nothing of overt significance in today's post.. just news and more news. Keep on keepin' on!

Good luck to all my friends running for RSAC

January 23rd, 2004

5:30 am tastes good, or so I'm told. Regardless of its effect on my taste-buds, time would have it that it is early in the morning and I am preparing myself to volunteer at WECC. I sincerely have no idea what WECC stands for other than that E is probable for Engineering or something of the like and that one of the C's is likely for Conference or Convention or Cookies or something equally tasteful. Nonetheless, soon I will start my quest downtown to this engineering competition which I'm only volunteering at for the free hotel room and back-door to Tijuana's, the location of Rob's birthday festivities. On that note, happy birthday Rob!!! We will kick the 23's ass, I'm sure. Happy 6 months until your birthday Senem :P

I went to The Zoo Story tonight (last night). As far as I can tell, it's a play about God, but what the message is, I can hardly figure out at this point, though I haven't given myself any time to think it over. When I got back I promptly went to Wise Guy's and danced the night away with Justin and bar folk. When that was over I went to Derek's (from Swift Current) and talked about random things from music to spirituality to laundry to the meaning of life. How this all ties together is that there are certain people in the world who stretch you as a human being. Knowing them is a blessing and being around them challenges you, for whatever reason. In my case it is that these people's perspectives on life are either so different from mine that I have to twist myself to empathise with them or see their point of view.. OR that as human beings they are unique in their own right to the point where their very essence is a positive influence. No, this is not an ode to Allison, Justin and Derek, but this is a plea. There are people in your life that stretch you in the same ways that these people (and others) stretch me and others that stretch you in ways that I probably can't imagine. Get to know these people. Spend time with them. Don't make idols of them, but learn from them in whatever way you can. Simply being around someone who is different from you can expand your horizons in ways that you never knew.. and when these people are as vocal as Justin for example, you don't even have to think for it to happen to you. For the love of God, make the most of the people you can learn from and be good to them. They are your greatest opportunities, often in friendly and charming, almost elvish forms :P (forgiveness please, it's just that Justin looks like one of the elves)..

However, enough of this ranting. I have one hour's worth of time to nap and perhaps sober up a little before breakfast.

"In this moment, you feel passion... and passion.. well passion, you own it. Do whatever you want with it - make this passion yours, make this moment yours. Forever." - A melodramatic paraphrase of a short sentence spoken by Justin Jacot.

January 13, 2004

So maybe that was a little bit harsh. I mean really.. me, forsaking soccer? what a terrible thing to do. I hereby lay myself at soccer's proverbial feet and beg for mercy by kissing its cleats, as well as the Oilers' skates (especially the statue of Gretzky outside Rexall), etc etc down the line. The truth is, I will be there for you and all these things, no matter how many times you kick me while I'm down, and I can sincerely say that most of you (especially the ones who actually read this drivel) have done nothing but offer helpful hands when I have been down in life.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep it up - Krist

January 12, 2004

If every human being is of self serving interest, and everyone is so self righteous, how do we choose our friends? If those who put others first quickly fall behind, where do they find their friends?
Simply enough, for all of us who are so fucking self-righteous and consistently speak from a "me-first" and "I" perspective no matter what the conversation is about, our friends are those who stand to improve our lot in life. Like-minded people who can echo our own ideas so that we feel good about ourselves, with who we can follow the same paths and ideas that we and all of the people we esteem share with us. It's fucking disgusting that the more extreme a person's self righteousness is, the more extreme their close friends' egocentrism also seems to be. How can this possibly work? At some point, egos have to be scratched, and this is where being so like-minded saves us all. Yes, it's true, there is no surer path to success than to be exactly like the people you want to succeed with.. To act and think and feel exactly like those you want to impress. Embrace conventions. Defy originality. I wish we could all be like this. I wish everyone was as fucking retarded as you are and I am.

Maybe it's time to smash the bass guitar, to sell the amp, to switch point of views, to buy some different movies and stop reading, to stop caring about all of you.. time to not be there when you need me. Maybe it's time I stopped listening to The Juliana Theory and Black Lab and start listening to Nickelback and Justin Timberlake. Maybe I want to take back every little thing I've ever done that's put a smile on anyone's face, from Cow Revolts to Airbands to singing along in the middle of the night.. take those back, take the friendship day back that I started, take back all the songs I've ever written and the poems that came before them.. take happy-go-lucky and replace it with cocky and bitter.. Whatever and deal with it instead of how are you and hugs.. Let's replace the Oilers with the Red Wings or Maple Leafs.. Raspberries with mushrooms.. Let's replace soccer with idle complacency. Fuck Soccer. And most of all, fuck the sun and the breeze.. fuck the water and the beach the day I found my dream. Fuck Patch Adams and who needs another sleepless night.. I need a long peaceful sleep filled with Steve Smith scoring on our own net, the Flames winning....

I'm going to go now. Have a nice day.. no.. as a matter of fact, have two.

January 8th, 2004

The new year is a comfy one, I tell you. I've got a couch/hide-a-bed in my res room, which when put beside my bed allows me the luxury of a giant two-level sleeping palace. The addition of the couch, combined with room reorganization makes my room a very pleasant place to be right now - I quite like it.

In the past few days, as classes just begin to get going again, I've spent a lot of time on the bass, and it's been good for ridiculous amounts of joy. I felt an unusual amount of happiness when I first nailed the bass solo from Otherside, and I've also learned Blinded and Crystal Baller by Third Eye Blind, Another One Bites the dust by Queen, and Self Esteem by The Offspring in the last two or three days.

Continuing with the themes of music and bragging about new things in my life, I've got a new band of the week for you all to check out and enjoy.. The mp3 does work again, after that blip with Cauterize.

A more thoughtful post is on its way.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly" - Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach

January 5th, 2004

Wow it was almost exciting to put 2004 up there instead of 2003.. It seems (this site and) I have survived another year, and what a year it was. I've had just about enough of recaps in my life thanks to the sorry excuse for two weeks worth of re-runs Much Music's holiday wrap became, but alas, I feel like I must add my own reflection.

January - honestly, I remember little of this month.. I think it is when I first started to hang out with Lindsay, Timmy, Marshall, Leah, Brandy, Jaymie, etc instead of just the Pinawa people.. but really, I have no concrete memories from this month.

February - on Valentine's day, there was candy in my mailbox, so I ate it. Later I found out that I shared a mailbox and the candy had nothing to do with me (it was actually being given to Kreepy John by an obviously lovestruck acquaintance *lol*) and felt very guilty about the whole thing.. to this day I have yet to share the news with the oh-so Kreepy One.

March - I think that this was the month that I first expressed my slutty side after a trip to Casey's in Lac Du Bonnet, but alas, the whole thing is so hazy (I've pushed as much as possible out of my mind) that all I can remember is what happened, not when.. or why in God's name..

April - this month brought me some interesting happenings at Monty's as I found myself (and my poor poor ass) a hit with the 50+ crowd of females.. Later I was there again with _____ (holy crap I hung out with her quite a bit what the crap is her name) and was had to leave early for some reason or other.. her friends forgot to tell her and she thought I was dead or something so at 3 am she breaks into my room (apparently the knocking didn't wake me up) and crawls into bed with me (apparently there was a reason for that too) to make sure I was ok. (Hey.. wait a second.. there was no reason.. hey!!!

May - It seems that my promiscuous side came to life this month.. I will never forget the wrong wrong wrong things done in front of people at the Graham's fire.. or the making out and then throwing up in certain back seats.. funny how I didn't see that girl again.. There were other stories too, but I digress, what I was most impressed by was how Pinawa was actually being fun and I didn't miss res.

June - That aforementioned "side" of me grew even larger in June the night TJ guaranteed me play if I went to a certain party.. and he was right. Soon, through working with William, bets were made, and the rest is history.

July - The busiest (in many ways) month of my year involved trips out to Flin Flon and Grand Beach, as well as a packed Pinawa's birthday weekend, and all the while the plot surrounding my bet and my promiscuity thickened as one girl in particular got caught up in things that I never intended to.. however just when things were sorted out, everything came to a permanent end in July's conclusion as that is when I first met the girl who picked ME up.. :P yeah we'll say it happened that way, for the record.

August - Arrived late many times to work upon return from Selkirk in the early morning.. Truly developed bond with my Dad's car.. returned to grand beach on occasion.. Officially started going out with girl who picked me up.. (five months this Friday) bid farewell to summer..

September - Made my return to residence after one last camping trip in Grand Beach.. where Pat, who organized the whole thing, came without wood or even a sleeping bag or pillow.. I'm sure a bunch of other stuff happened in September too, but I don't recall much of it (except classes of course, har har)

October - made debut as Scooby Doo at Halloween, did a bunch of other stuff too I'm sure.. Bought amp!!! which significantly changed my life in that it allowed me to start playing bass again and will allow me to actually play "shows" such as PSS and Pinawa's Birthday :P.. Oh and this was the month that saw me answer the door apparently not quite decent as I had not managed a safe "up-tuck" when my girlfriend was over..

November - the month of my birth saw this renewed passion for music manifest itself in the form of new lyrics, as well as a hugely profitable trip to the casino in an attempt to "earn" my amp money back so I could pay for tuition. My birthday happened at Monty's where I got really drunk and said mean things to some people and was a perfect angel to others.. I don't know what my drunken friendliness selection criteria were, but it was an interesting night, I tell you.

December - new song writing fire culminates in Another Sleepless Night, the best and last song I will ever write the words for.. unless of course I am inspired musically in the form of a band or something like it.. or I was recently inspired with a cheesy pop love song called "2 Minutes for Stealing My Heart" that I might write just for fun's sake. I also recorded a song for the first time and realized limitations of my voice (and I'm not going to kid myself, it was more than just my sore throat holding me back, I'm sure). Last but not least, I saw Return of the King *drool*

Now you sit on my head like a king on his throne, commanding a kingdom I once called my own - Senem

December 16th, 2003

If you can't beat'em, join'em.

So goes my strategy for defeating this whole insomnia thing. It's 5:30 in the morning now.. I haven't slept at all, and I'm finally starting to feel tired.. but tonight was different. When I realized that I wasn't going to fall asleep on a normal schedule, I got myself out of bed and didn't try to go back. So far I've cleaned my room (far easier said than done), worked on writing some music (yes, actual notation), and now I'm waiting for my clothes to finish in the washer.. Heh I know you can't tell because I fix my spelling, but my typing is far worse right now than it was when I made my drunk post. Exhaustion is slowly overcoming me. I'm going to go put everything in the dryer and then contemplate trying to sleep.. Did I mention I write my last exam in three and a half hours? Fuck. I studied and all, but how am I supposed to think on zero sleep? My ability to pull marks and answers out of my ass revolves around having the sharpest mind possible come exam time.. I tend to make a lot of on-the-spot deductions instead of spend the hours learning things ahead of time... but today.. today might not work. *end ramble*

"Don't have sex. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them" - Bart's MSN name.

December 15th, 2003

Is it a sleepless night if you sleep for a few hours and then wake up and can't get back to sleep? I've been getting pissed off at my brain in the last few days.. the thing just won't shut up, from Comrie trade rumors to basketball imaginations to thinking about the lady friend to the average air-speed of an unladen swallow.. European, that is. This has led me to a few conclusions:

My sleep pattern is messed up more than I thought it was and I should probably consider seeing a doctor..

I seem to have been given the starving, desperate artist's racing pseudo-ambitious mind without the "artistic" part..

My days aren't as long as they should be..

And possibly that I'm good old-fashioned crazy. In a cute, loveable way of course. Not the angry "I am going to eat your children" (Mike Tyson) way..

I started a new paragraph. Look at that. Not something that happens every day. I think I probably expected to have some sort of profound thought to put here.. Hmm, I need something.. quick.. umm... *claps with one hand*!!! Yeah that's right. I clapped with one hand. Think about THAT.

"No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming" - Aladdin

December 14th, 2003

I ran into Schram at the mall yesterday.. wow that was a pleasant surprise. Top 5 teachers ever.. and I've had a lot of them. I also picked up tickets for Return of the King.. Whee! Can't wait for that.. my beard itches. Stupid exam beard. I guess it will be two weeks or so when it's all over this Wednesday. It's scraggly and scruffy as hell. Whatever.

Tomorrow, something beautiful will begin.

"Don't you dare close your eyes.. Hold your breath it gets better" - Aladdin

December 12th, 2003

Whee! I'm drunk! My bio exam went well, a definite mark booster! It seemed like everything that I studied appeared on the exam while large chunks of material I didn't study just weren't on there.. what luck, what luck! And then we played mushroom in Moreau which was sweet, and super spike v-ball, and mario - it was really quite exciting!! :P Whee! And then we went out to the bar, and I had more fun there than I have had in a LOOOOONG time! It's fun to be Goose, if you know what I mean, especially when Maverick strands you with various groups of bogies (read: girls) you don't know at all that all want to grind you.. wow I grinded the ugliest girl tonight. I'm not gonna lie to you. She is super cool, and I quite like her, but she doesn't exactly have it "going on" (like Stacy's mom, for one..) Haha wow it was a good time.. almost makes me want to go back sometime soon! Maybe tomorrow night after my Adult Development exam? (Yes, I know I went out to the bar the night before an exam.. but relax, it's at 6, and it is my easiest course by far - the exam is only on 4 chapters!) Wheee! Good times, good times.. Holy shit I even danced (with a smile on my face!) to Hey Yea by Outkast the whole way through, and had a good time doing it.. Which made Ian and Rob proud, as well as whatever their names were.. Awesome.

Wheeeeeeee!

December 11th, 2003

Have you ever wondered what people see when they look at you? If what they see in you is what you see in yourself? Do they see the same faults? attributes? Or maybe how people perceive each other compared to how they perceive themselves is entirely different.. It would be hard to find out for real, because there are few people would be willing to give you an honest criticism and both of you would want to see each other in the most positive light; at the very least, no one wants to step on anyone's toes, that's for sure.

I have an obvious problem with that in the fact that my completely relaxed face probably looks unhappy relative to the neutral way I feel.. And that I often laugh and smile a lot when upset, just as I do when I'm happy. You can probably relate in at least some way.. Did that lay-up or little bit of dancing that felt so smooth look like it? Do you even care?

Chances are you are at least somewhat curious to how others perceive you. Ask me sometime, but expect to be told at least a couple things you don't want to hear.. I promise though that you'll hear a lot of things you do want to hear as well (I naturally see the good in people and want to believe that everyone is wonderful) but it's often the few things you don't want to hear that you remember most.

In other news, I actually put in a respectable amount of studying tonight.. Now if I had done this for even a couple of days prior to my Biology exam instead of the night before it, I could easily expect an A, but no.. I had to be stupid and procrastinate and absolutely need to study so much that I was so focused I let my ice cream melt. It was good ice cream too - mint chocolate chip.. you know with the refreshing mint chocolate taste.. that just dances on your tongue.. FUUUUUUUUCK.

I should get some sleep - who knows, maybe I could even go to my 3rd breakfast in 4 days!

Once you're watching every move that I make, you gotta believe that I got what it takes - Stand Out(from A Goofy Movie)

December 9th, 2003

Today is my 4 month anniversary with Nola, officially doubling my longest ever previous relationship. Whee!, but that's not what I've come to write about.

I posted my new song, Another Sleepless Night.. Please read it and tell me what you think of it, as I plan for it to be the last song I ever write. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and yeah, I really have decided to stop writing. It's getting harder and harder to write the words to songs that I know I'll never hear anywhere other than in my own head.. Maybe I should just learn how to play piano and guitar as well as bass, but that's just not happening.. Maybe someday someone with a passion for music will come along and change my mind, somehow, but that doesn't look very likely.

This is to the world that will sing along and never know my name

December 7th, 2003

I wrote the song that makes me crave knowledge of guitar.. or a friend who could feel the song like I do and write out some chords and a 2nd guitar for it.. I can hear the piano in my head.. and the bass for parts of it.. but I need the guitar dammit.. I need it. The song is perhaps my favourite thing I've written to date... Currently untitled, recently finished, and I'm afraid to post it because I love it so much and what if you don't? Krist and I had a discussion about my self depreciation the other day.. hmm I should take his point of view and simply tell you that yes, when I name it, I will post my new song. It would hurt me not to.

Oh, you should also check out Cauterize, the new band of the week!!! The link for an mp3 won't work because I can't find a version of the song small enough for Yahoo! to let me put up here. I'm working on it though. Would you look at that - there's an Oiler game on TV - gotta go!

"Once upon a time the chords came alive, and the angels had guitars even before they had wings" - Meatloaf

December 1st, 2003

I'm slowly getting more corrupt *wink*. Since when am I a mean person? I'm not.. but wow. *sigh*. I'm lucky though. I'm 19 now. Look at that. This is a shitty post. My sister sent me a nice e-card. The poem, If, by Rudyard Kipling, follows:

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

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