It has been 60 days now since my litte angel went to be with Jesus! In some ways it seems like forever and in others it seems like yesterday! I still remember that horrible morning like it was yesterday! Does that pain ever lessen? Does it ever get bearable? It hurts so bad! I miss him so much. He really was a perfect angel. I still don't understand all of the WHY's?! There are so many questions going on inside my head! I know that I may never know and some of the questions will have to wait until I can ask Jesus. But it doesn't make it any easier while I am here on Earth.
The boys have been affected badly and I hate to see them hurting and me not be able to help them at all. It has affected Molly too and we may not have seen it before, but it has. She looks are her baby "bubby" on the wall and says baby over and over. And then she will sit and stare at his picture for what seems like 10-15 minutes. I woke up this morning freezing, sneezing and the sniffles. Every time I blow my nose or sniffle, she looks at me thinking I am crying. When I start crying, she will come over to me, get in my lap, wipe my face and give me a big kiss. That means so much to me. Jacks grades are really suffering. I am hoping he will be able to bring them up. He usually is a straight A student but has dropped to C's and D's on his progress report. Some test papers he has been bringing home have been really low F's. That really concerns me. I talked to his teacher the other night and she said that he has done a little better in the last couple of weeks. I sure hope so. He won't talk to me. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. I have to go back to the counselor tonight and Tim, Jack, and Harley are going with me. I don't know yet whether I am going to take Molly. I will if I can't get someone to watch her. Harley's grades are pretty good. But his teacher did say that she could tell a difference in him also. It just hurts me that my kids are hurting and I want to help! But how can I help them when I don't even know how to help myself?? I put on a show for everyone to hide my emotions. I think I am becoming a good actress. Inside I am dying. My children mean everything to me. When I lost T.J. I lost part of me. And now my other kids are suffering with their pain and I hate to see that!! Well I guess I better end here for now. Molly and I have to go to town and then to the school to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Jack and Harley.

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© Jennifer Adams 2003