December
2003


This morning, Jack and Harley were up at 3 a.m. wanting to see what Santa brought and open their presents. We did make them wait till 5 a.m. But we let Molly sleep so that we could go back to bed for a little bit. The boys got what they wanted (Gameboy Advance SP). SO they were happy and we went back to bed.
At 7 a.m. my dad called to tell us Merry Chirstmas and when I hung up with him, we got up. Molly was thrilled to see a rocking chair in here just for her. She has been sitting on a little stool, and carries it around with her to sit on.
At 9 or so, we went to my mother in laws. And it was great! She had breakfast cooked and even made some chocolate gravy (yummmmm). While we were eating the kids were all discussing who was going to open presents first. I think it was my brother in law who said that we would let the baby of each family open first. I didn't say anything but that kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. Because OUR baby of the family isn't here. I didn't want to ruin Christmas morning for anyone else so I just pretended that nothing was wrong.
We then opened gifts. Everyone got some nice things and just what they wanted. I was happy to see that I got some new cookware from my sister in law and some SpongeBob seat covers and floor mats for the car from my mother in law.
We stayed a little while longer and then came home. Tim and Molly are now sleeping and the boys are playing. I am sitting here on my computer.
Someone had made me a special memory quilt web page for TJ about a month ago. Well we had to reformat my computer before I could save the website and put the link on here. That tore me up. I couldn't remember this lovely ladies email address so I had thought I lost the web page forever.
As I was sitting here reading the December issue of HOPE from one of my SIDS groups (SIDSFamilies) I came across a website name that looked familiar. I went to the site and seen that it was indeed the website for the Memory Quilts. As I was looking on this site I was praying so hard that TJ's quilt would be there. And YES it is!!!! Oh wow, what a special gift for me....You can visit his quilt HERE. I am so thrilled to have found this.
My mom gave me a special gift the other night also. It is a little angel, that when you press his little hand, he talks about floating on a cloud in the sky and watching over me. It is beautiful. Reminds me of TJ.
Speaking of my mom, I guess I should go for now. It is 1:49 p.m. and we are suppose to leave here in 10 minutes to go to her house. I will try to type more tonight and if not I will this weekend. I would like to do some stuff on here, maybe next week.
Thanks for Reading!

Decemeber 31, 2003
Well thank God this year is finally almost over. I think this has been the worst year of my life. Nothing has went right this year. Except for the birth of TJ. So I don't guess I can say that the whole year has been a flop. But the rest of it was absolutely terrible.
I don't know whether to call this good news or what, but we got the autopsy today. I haven't read it, nor do I plan on reading it. I may read it later (in about a year) but then again I may never read it. Tim told me that it does say the cause is..."Sudden Death in Infancy...Natural Causes" or something like that. SIDS is terrible! Why does it have to destroy lives? Why does it take lives? This isn't fair. I have just prayed so hard that he didn't suffer. And from what I have read, with SIDS they just go to sleep and dont wake up. I just hope that is true and that my little angel didn't suffer any...and I am glad to know that it wasn't something *I* did or didn't do.
Oh how I miss him. My heart aches so bad right now. I just want him in my arms next to me! Why did he have to leave me? WHY? WHY? WHY? God it hurts.
I went to the cemetary today and had a good cry. Exactly 14 weeks ago today, I was there, and he was being put into the ground. He has been gone 101 days now, and in some ways it seems like forever but then in another it seems like yesterday. The pain is no less than it was 101 days ago!!! It still hurts like someone just ripped open my chest and yanked out my heart. And I guess I can truly say that I know what it feels like to have my chest opened up. (Due to me having open heart surgery). I have told several people, over and over, that the work the doctors did on my heart was for nothing. They went in to sew a hole that was in my heart....why???? That hole is back. And it is so much bigger than what it was when they sewed it up. There is such a big void in my heart now. The day TJ passed, I lost part of me, never to return again.
Well now that I am in tears once again, I better go. We usually stay up to bring in the new year, but not so sure I can do it this time. It's just to depressing............Happy New Year to you!

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