Plot:
The plot for Golden Ninja Warrior is so fucking confusing that I can actually warrant not censoring the word "fucking" due to the sheer befuddlement it instills in my mind, thus impairing my ability to hold shift and press the 8 key to make asterisks. What doesn't help this is that absolutely EVERYTHING happens so abruptly and without reason.
Profanity out the way, Golden Ninja Warrior is somehow some sort of pseudo-sequel to Ninja Terminator, which I gathered through the opening, which is the ending of Ninja Terminator, with all shots of the black ninja that fought in the ninja ending conveniently omitted so that they don't have to include another clan of ninja in the plot of this film. Although, I can't see how that could possibly make the plot any more bemusing. In fact, maybe if they had introduced several new colours along with black, it would've become so abstruse that the bewilderment would collapse in on itself and leave nothing but sense. A bit like a neutron star, I suppose.
Despite the fact that the opening tells us there were only the red and "gold" (camoflauge, really) ninja empires, the main character and Michael, who are supposed to be "gold" ninja, quite clearly wear black ninja costumes. My guess is that they only had the one camoflauge costume, which belonged to Gordon, whom wouldn't lend it to the main character or Michael, possibly because Michael's moustache was infinitely inferior to Gordon's and Queenie didn't have one, or because Gordon was a complete and utter selfish git. The former is more rational, I think, so we'll go with that. So, our ninja journey through the possibly colour-blind eyes of the entire film crew begins in a hotel, with some half-naked Asian girls getting whipped. IFD certainly knows how to start off on the right foot.
Unlike a large majority of films with Gordon - or at least Gordon-esque antics - Golden Ninja Warrior isn't actually two unrelated films embarrassingly connected together, but is rather the more traditional one film, although it's worth noting that it actually ends up being about twice as confusing.
Strewn throughout the film are awkward sex scenes, confusing ninja fights, bad martial arts, ghastly teeth and too many shots of Queenie Yang's arse. I mean, Queenie Yang is a lovely girl and all, actually very pretty, but she has a man's arse. Now, excuse me if I'd rather not associate this face:
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing in this section, because I've just noticed that I've actually typed out quite a lot, but it hasn't explained a single thing about the film's plot, other than that it's ludicrously meandering.
I don't know. Maybe the part right at the end where Queenie Yang sticks a big sharp stick through Eagle's back, whom we then watch die, after spilling about two litres of blood from his mouth. Three minutes later (literally) Mike Tien looks up at Queenie Yang with dismay and utters, "He's dead!"
Best Scene:
I would say that the incredibly awkward, often humourous rape scene is the best, but I shall not do a play-by-play for three reasons: 1) Rape is far too taboo for people to laugh at, even if it's ridiculously unreal and silly, 2) I actually felt bad for Queenie Yang when she started crying at the end, and finally 3) I can't be arsed to be careful enough to take screenshots in which Queenie Yang's crotch and chest are covered. So, let's do... err... the scene where Queenie Yang and Sakura ruck? I suppose that'll do. Go here for a play-by-play of this scene.
