Frodo: Gandalf!

Balrog: That's so meeean! [Sob] I worked so hard for those exams!

Gandalf: I'm the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udûn!

Balrog: Ha ha! Wanna bet?

[We track in through the mountain and see Gandalf and the Balrog on the Bridge of Khazad-dûm.]

Gandalf: Go back to Shadow! YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!!!

[Gandalf slams his staff on the bridge (Comment: Temper!), and a flash of white light drives the Balrog back. The Balrog draws a whip of fire, steps onto the bridge, and it gives way, dropping it into the chasm. It seems they have won, but as he turns away, the tail of the whip catches Gandalf's ankle and pulls him down. He gets a brief grasp on the edge of the bridge.]

[Boromir holds Frodo back so he doesn't do something stupid.]

Boromir: No! Frodo!

Frodo: Gandalf!

Gandalf: I can fly you fools! Weeeeeeee- oh bugger!

[Gandalf loses his grip on un-reality and falls into the chasm after the Balrog.]

Frodo: Nooooooooo!

[Gandalf falls after the Balrog and grabs hold of his sword (Comment: o.O), Glamdring (Comment: He named it? Goodness...), on his way down. As they continue to plunge into the depths, Gandalf hacks away at the Balrog even as it crashes and bounces off the walls. They continue to fall at great speed, sometimes with Gandalf clinging to a horn of the demon. (Comment: *coughs*) The battling pair (Comment: Battling?) then falls into an enormous cavern and plunges into the water. Just then Frodo awakens from the nightmare. (Comment: Anything and everything to do with that pervy old man is a nightmare if you ask me...)]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Frodo: Gandalf! Eww! What're you doing?!

Sam: What is it, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Oh, nothing. Just a dream. A particulary disturbing one involving-

[Sam cuts him off mid-sentence.]

Sam: Now you stop right there, Mr Frodo. You know what I think about your wizard dreams!

[The words "The Meep Of Isengard" appear over a shot of Frodo and Sam climbing over rocky terrain then fade away as the Hobbits get closer. They stop and look into the distance, towards Mordor (Comment: Yes, I'm dropping the TORc thing, I'm too lazy to keep changing it. >.<) and the Mountain of Fire.]

Sam: Mordor. The one place in Middle Earth we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we cant get. Let's face it Mr. Frodo. We're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.

[A snort is heard off-screen (Comment: It belongs to Gollum, but you don't know that...).]

Frodo: He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam. But they did... More's the pity.

[Suddenly Frodo feels and spies the Eye zooming in on him. He gasps and pants as he backs away.]

(Comment: That sounds sooo wrong to me...)

Sam: Frodo? It's that Ring of yours, isn't it?

Frodo: It's getting heavier. What food have we got left? We can have a nice little picnic on this exposed and cold lump of rock! Doesn't that sound fun?!

Sam: If you say so, Mr Frodo. Well, let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Lembas bread. And look! More lembas bread. I don't usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff's not bad.

Frodo: Nothing ever dampens your spirits does it Sam?

Sam: Those rainclouds might.

Frodo: Never! Rain isn't wet! What're you on, Sam?

[They continue trekking through difficult terrain, often huddling underneath their cloaks.]

Sam: This looks strangely familiar.

Frodo: [Frustrated]: That's because it's the same set from a different angle! The camera's going in circles!

Sam: Ah! What's that 'orrid stink? I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Can you smell it?

Frodo: Yes, I can smell it. We are not alone.

(Comment: Now, you see, I wrote this on a print-out while I was at college, and erm, I was obviously going to write something in here but got distracted, because it just says "S"... >.< ...But I'm going to improvise! ^.~)

Sam: [To himself]: Oh, bugger. There's no privacy anywhere. I'm never going to get Frodo to myself!

[Gollum is seen sneaking up on the hobbits.]

Gollum: The thievesss! The thievesss! The filthy little thievesss! Wheeere isssit? Wheeere isssit? They ssstole it from usss. My Preciousssss. Curssse them! We hatesss them. It's oursss, it isss, and we wantsss it!

(Comment: Control yourself, Gollum!)

[Suddenly the hobbits spring up, grab hold of Gollum’s arms and pull him down onto them. Amidst the struggle, Gollum wriggles loose and leaps onto Frodo. As Frodo falls back, the ring is revealed and Gollum jumps straight for it. Sam tries to grab at him but is knocked away. Gollum now jumps on top of Frodo and reaches for his ring even as Frodo grabs his hands and tries to push him away. Gollum’s cheeks puff with exertion as he struggles with Frodo, his huge eyes fixed on the Ring. Sam grabs hold of Gollum again and tears him away from Frodo. Gollum then turns around and bites Sam on the shoulder, wriggles around and clasps his arms around Sam’s neck and legs around his waist in a death grip. (Comment: *cough* Some death grip...) Frodo then unsheathes Sting and holds it to Gollum's throat. (Final Comment On That Action: Erm, well it all sounds rather kinky and like some odd form of orgy to me...)]

Frodo: This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you... Gollum! Release him or you'll find it in your throat!

(Comment: Sorry mate, I'm giving you some awful things to record.)

[Slowly, Gollum loosens his grip on Sam and as the latter disentangles himself, Gollum wails. He is then tied at the neck with Sam's elvish rope (Comment: Look! Look! There they go again!) and half-dragged along as he cries and wails.]

^~^~ There're 2 versions of the rest of this bit. Here's mine: ~^~^

Gollum: It burnsss! It burnsss usss! It freeeezesss! Nasssty Elves twisted it! Take it off usss!

Sam: Quiet you! It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor's gonna hear this racket! Let's tie him up and leave him!

Gollum: No! That would kill usss, kill usss!

Sam: Well, if that's what you want me to do, sure! It's no more than you deserve!

Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die. Now that I've seen him, I do pity him.

[Gollum gets to his kness before Frodo.]

(Comment: o.O)

Gollum: We be nice to them, if they be nice to us!

[Sam raises his eyebrows at Frodo, who shrugs.]

Gollum: Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We *swears*!

[Sam coughs a little.]

Frodo: There is no promise you can make that I can trust.

Gollum: We swears to serve the master of the Precioussss. We will swear on... on... the Precioussss! Gollum, gollum!

Frodo: My Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word.

Gollum: Yes... On the Preciousss...

[Gollum looks up at Frodo with big eyes.]

Gollum: ...On the Preciousss...

[Sam suddenly shouts out loudly.]

Sam: I don't believe you!

[Gollum jumps back from the Hobbits and onto a rock. Sam pulls on the rope.]

Sam: Get down! Get down!

[Gollum falls to the ground.]

Frodo: [Horrified]: Sam!

Sam: He's tryin' to trick us! If we let him go, he'll throttle us in our sleep!

[Frodo moves over to Gollum, and questions him, but pronounces each question almost as though it's a statement.]

Frodo: You know the way to Mordor?

[Gollum nods warily.]

Gollum: Yes...

Frodo: You've been there before?

Gollum: [Nodding]: Yes.

[Frodo takes the rope off Gollum.]

Frodo: You will lead us to the Black Gate.

^~^~ And here's Dark Lord Andúril's (this is the proper one): ~^~^

[Snow falls, then bright, hot sunshine comes out.]

Gollum: ARGH! It burrrns! It burrrns!

[A blizzard begins.]

Gollum: It freezes!

Sam: Listen to this! Every orc in Mordor's gonna feel this racket!

[Sam holds up a frying pan.]

Frodo: No, Sam. That's a frying pan...

Sam: ...Whatever...

Gollum: Stupid fat Hobbit!

[Sam looks in bag.]

Sam: What's this?

[Sam takes out spliff from bag.]

Sam: Pipeweed!

[Sam gives the spliff to Frodo. Frodo takes a drag.]

Frodo: This tastes funny! I've never tasted this before!

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[We see the fellowship in Lorien, preparing to leave. Legolas is going through Sam's bag.]

Legolas: Marry-jew-ah-na! One small drag is enough to make you hallucinate a grown man!

Merry: What did you hallucinate?

Pippin: Four naked Elvish ladies...

[-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-]

Sam: Here, Stinker, you have a try!

Gollum: ARRRRGH! It's a roach! Yes! A roach!

Sam: What's wrong now?

Gollum: Nassty Elves twisted it! Take it off us!

[Gollum throws the roach.]

Gollum: To Mordor with you!

Frodo: You know the way to Mordor?

Gollum: Yes...

Frodo: You've been there before?

Gollum: Yes...!

Frodo: You will lead us to the Black Féte!

^~^~ And LotM becomes whole again... ~^~^

[Gollum looks up at Frodo in wonder, apparently amazed to have been showed such kindness and trust. (Comment: Well, if you believe this transcript I'm using...) He scrambles off quickly, the Hobbits hurrying on after him.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Uruk-hai carry Merry and Pippin over the fields Rohan.]

Pippin: Merry! Merry!

[We see that Merry is unconscious, with large, nasty gash about his right brow. Suddenly, an Uruk-hai raises his hand, signalling for the group to stop.]

Uglúk: What is it? What do you smell?

Maúhur: Man-flesh.

Unknown Orc 1: Uh-oh!

Unknown Orc 2: Eww!

Uglúk: They've picked up our trail! Let's go!

Pippin: [To himself]: Aragorn!

[The Uruk-hai quicken their pace. Pippin struggles to reach his Elven brooch with his teeth. He reaches it and tears it off his cloak, then drops it onto the ground. The Uruks don't notice the brooch, but some stand on it, treading it into the muddy ground.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Aragorn is lying with his eyes closed and ear pressed to the ground, supposedly listening for the sound of footsteps. Legolas suspects that he has fallen asleep and gay-elf-prince kicks his shoulder. Aragorn's eyes snap open.]

Aragorn: I'm awake! [Blinks] Their pace quickens. They must have caught our scent. Hurry!

Legolas: Come *on*, Gimli! Aragorn's had a nap and you still haven't caught up yet!

Gimli: Three days and nights pursuit... No food... No rest... No sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell.

Legolas: What? A quarry *is* rock!

Gimli: Not that sort of quarry, moron!

Legolas: Ohh! Riiight!

[The Three Hunters run across rocks and plains, with Aragorn in the lead, and Legolas and Gimli trailing behind. At one point Gimli drops his wooly hat and Legolas randomly nearly falls over. Aragorn suddenly bends down to pick up an Elven brooch from the ground and Legolas falls over him becuase he's looking over his shoulder for Gimli (who's way behind, again).]

Aragorn: Oi!

Legolas: Oh, sorry!

[Legolas notices the brooch which Aragorn is holding.]

Legolas: Ooh! What's that?

Aragorn: Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall...

Legolas: That's hardly an answer.

Aragorn: It's a brooch, you idiot! I was being dramatic! It belongs to ne of those Hobbity creatures. We each have one, remember? That blonde tart in Lothlorien ga-

[Legolas cuts him off.]

Legolas: Galadriel.

Aragorn: Aye, that's the wench!

Legolas: She's no tart.

Aragorn: What're you being so defensive for? I thought you were after that dwarf. Anyway, the point *is* that this belongs to one of those Hobbits!

Legolas: Oooh! They may yet be alive. Weeee!

[Legolas starts skipping around in circles.]

Aragorn: Stop that! You're going to need you're energy. They're less than a day ahead of us, come!

[Aragorn runs off leaving Legolas and Gimli behind as they're taking no notice, but Legolas noticed and follows, calling backt o Gimli as he does so.]

Legolas: Come, Gimli! We are gaining on them.

Gimli: I'm wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous over short distances.

Legolas: Yes... So I've heard... [Calling ahead now] Hey! Aragorn!

Aragorn: [Sighing]: What?

Legolas: Can I have that pretty brooch?

Aragorn: No.

Legolas: Aww, why not?!

Aragorn: Two reasons actually. One, it belongs to Merry or Pippin. And two, you already have one.

Legolas: [Dejected]: Oh...

[Camera pans over the Orcs running across the plains, and then swings to the Three Hunters giving chase. The trackers come over a hill and pause as they gaze across the plains below.]

Aragorn: Rohan, home of the horse-lords. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us. Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?

Legolas: Too much! Put the mouse back in the house, Beardy!

Aragorn: Legolas...

(Comment: Yeah, that's only there because Shadow wanted it put in...)

Legolas: Erm, birds, trees, grass, lots of grass, a pebble...

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Oh, sorry, erm... The Uruks turn Northeast. They are taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Aragorn: Saruman! The old pervert! What is it with that wizard?

Gimli: Don't forget Gandalf.

Aragorn: Wizard*s*, sorry.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The tower of Orthanc stands amidst the smoking caverns of Isengard. Saruman stands in his chamber, communicating with the Dark Lord through the Palantír.]

(Comment: Andúril? What have you been up to, eh??)

Saruman: [Voice Over]: The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor? To stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman and the union of the two towers of the meeps? Together, My Lord Sauron, we shall rule this Middle-Earth.

[The caverns of Isengard glow from the fires, sounds of hammering fill the air and molten iron is poured into casts.]

Saruman: [Voice Over]: The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Orc. We have only to remove those who oppose us.

[Saruman stands in the midst of a gathering of Wildmen, who are holding torches and crude weapons. (Comment: What's crude about them I wonder.)]

Saruman: The horsemen took your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch a living off rocks.

Crowd: Murderers! Murderers!

Saruman: Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village!

[The crowd cheers and runs off in various directions - mostly the the wrong one. Saruman sighs.]

Saruman: [Voice Over]: It will begin in the Rohan. Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The wildmen and Orcs attack a village. A woman with her hand on a horse calls out to her children.]

Mother: Éothain, take your sister. You'll go faster with just two.

Freda: But Papa says Éothain must not ride Gerolt. He is too big for him!

Mother: Listen to me! You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. Do you understand?

Éothain: Yes, mama.

(Comment: Oh isn't he just so articulate? *swoons* *rolls eyes*)

Freda: I don't wanna leave! I don't wanna go!

Mother: Listen to me. I will find you there.

[Screams are increasing in volume as the army draws closer.]

Mother: Quickly! [To herself] Go, child.

(Comment: I hate kids, really, they're vile. Remind me never to have any.)

[The army slaughters at will and sets fire to the village. Freda weeps as they look back from a distance.]

Saruman: [Voice Over]: Rohan, my lord, is ready to fall.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[A group of horsemen "ride" to Edoras. Every "rider" has a man behind him banging two coconuts together. (Comment: Yay for Monty Python! ^.^) Éomer is in the lead, carrying a gravely wounded Théodred. Éowyn is seen running hastily up the stairs to the Golden Hall. She enters a bedchamber and runs to the bed.]

Éowyn: Théodred!

[Théodred seems to hear her call but is unable to respond. He has a bloody gash on the side of his head. Éomer nods to Éowyn in the direction of Théodred’s torso. Éowyn draws back the covers and upon seeing Théodred’s fatal wound, her lips tighten and her eyes close. She looks up to catch Éomer’s eye. The scene switches and Éomer and Éowyn are speaking to King Théoden who sits motionless on his throne, wizened and aged beyond his years. Éowyn speaks to him.]

Éowyn: Your son is badly wounded, my lord.

Éomer: He was ambushed by Orcs. If we don't defend our country, Saruman will take it by force.

Gríma: That is a lie! Saruman the White has ever been our friend and ally.

Théoden: [Mumbling]: Gríma... Gríma...

Éomer: Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked, unchallenged, killing at will. Orcs bearing the white hand of Saruman.

[Éomer drops a helmet onto the ground, which topples over to reveal the White Hand of Saruman.]

Grima: Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your uncle is wearied by your malcontent, your warmongering.

Éomer: Warmongering?

[The scene switches again. It's still Éomer and Gríma talking, but Éomer now has Gríma pinned against a pillar.]

Éomer: How long has it been since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Gríma? When all the men are dead you would take a share of the treasure?

[Éomer watches Grima, whose eyes fall on Éowyn's figure in the background. She turns to them for a moment then continues on her way.]

Éomer: Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps.

Gríma: You see much, Éomer son of Éomund. Too much. [To himself] Especially of your sister.

Éomer: I heard that! You sick bastard!

Gríma: Ooh! You'll regret that! You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan, under pain of death. Hah! Take that!

Éomer: Banished? What for?!

Gríma: Never mind that! You got a better costume with me. You may become king, but *my* british accent is better than yours! So screw you! I'm taking over this scene!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Uruk-hai and Orcs continue to march across the plains with their Hobbit captives. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are in pursuit, still.]

Gimli: Keep breathing, that's the key! Breathe! Ho!

Legolas: They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them.

(Comment: Eek! Whipping smilies! >.<)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[They continue running over vast distances. The Uruk-hai and Orcs halt at nightfall, many panting.]

Baglor: We ain't goin' no further till we've 'ad a breather.

Uglúk: Fine. Wimp. Get a fire going!

[The Uruk-hai and orcs begin to hack away at the trees with their axes.]

Pippin: Merry! Merry!

Merry: I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin.

[A rumbling sound is heard.]

Pippin: What's making that noise?

Merry: Orc indegestion?

Pippin: Nah, s'me I think, I'm hungry!

Merry: You're always hungry!

[The sound is heard again.]

Merry: It's the trees.

Pippin: What?

Merry: You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall, and come alive.

Pippin: Water tends to do that to plants, Merry. Sorry to shatter your illsuions like, but... Duh!

Merry: Yeah, but they were trees that could whisper, talk to each other, even move!

Pippin: Oh...

Baglor: I'm starvin'. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!

Roc: Yeeeah! Why can't we have some meat?

[Roc looks over at the hobbits]

Roc: What about them? They're fresssh!

Uglúk: *They* are *not* for eating!

Roc: But I'm hungry!

Grishnákh: What about their legs? They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty!

Hobbits: [Off Screen]: Perverts!

Uglúk: Get back!

Roc: Just a mouthful?

Hobbits: [Off Screen]: Of what?!

[Uglúk kills Roc, who was about the kill the Hobbits. Violins play sad music as Roc's body falls, headless, to the ground.]

Uglúk: Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!

Hobbits: [Off Screen]: Cannibals! Eeeek!

[An orc dances "sexily" across the screen wearing a grass skirt. The Uruk-hai and Orcs cheer and start tearing into Roc, intestines flying, taking their eyes off the hobbits for a while, while they indulge in messy cannibalism.]

Merry: Pippin, let's go!

Pippin: Where?

[Merry stares at him.]

Pippin: Oh! Theeere!

[Their hands still bound, the hobbits crawl away. Suddenly a foot comes down onto Merry, pinning him to the ground. Pippin flips over.]

Grishnákh: Go on. Call for help. Squeeeeeal! No-one's gonna save you now!

Merry: Famous last words, mate!

[Suddenly, a spear hits Grishnákh. Mayhem ensues as the Rohirrim burst out from their hiding places and ambush the Orcs.]

Merry: Pippin!

[The hobbits try to escape from the pandemonium to the forest, dodging bodies and stomping feet, falling and stumbling. Suddenly, while flat on his back, Pippin looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on him.]

Pippin: Ahh!

Merry: What?Pippin: I said "Ahh!".

Merry: Oh right, why?

[Pippin points upwards at the horse.]

Merry: Ah, okay.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Three Hunters are still chasing after the Uruk-Hai. Dawn is breaking.]

Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilt this night.

Gimli: How do you know that? There's often a red sun. I mean, does it work when someone kills a fly? [Sigh] You damn Elves are so melodramatic sometimes...

[The sound of horses comes to their ears. Aragorn quickly gets them to hide behind some boulders. A large group of horse-men appears, fake-galloping quickly with their banners flying, their coconut-men following behind some of the men while others ride real horses. Aragorn comes out of hiding as they pass, followed by Legolas and Gimli.]

Aragorn: Riders of Rohan! What news from (the) Mark?

[At a signal from Éomer, who is at the lead, the riders make a quick turn and head towards the three, surrounding them in an ever-tightening circle. As they stop, they point their long spears menacingly at them.]

(Comment: Oh do they? *smiles slightly* Sorry... >.<)

Éomer: What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly!

[Gimli takes a deep breath.]

Gimli: Youwantmetospeakquickly?-Okay. Givemeyourname,horsemaster,andIshallgiveyoumine.

[Legolas slaps Gimli.]

Legolas: Stop chatting him up just beause he's got a horse! You're meant to be with me!

[Gimli appears to sulk a little.]

[Éomer dismounts his horse and steps towards Gimli.]

Éomer: I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.

[An unidentified snort is heard. Legolas, in a lightning fast move, points an arrow at Éomer.]

Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell, horsey-man! The dwarf is *mine*!

[The riders all point their spears closer to the travelers. Aragorn pushes down Legolas' arm.]

(Comment: And why would he do that, I wonder? Oh yes, to stop him going on a jealously-fuelled killing-spree.)

Aragorn: I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas, of the Woodland realm, who's father I seem to haev forgotten the name of. We are friends of Rohan, and of Théoden, your King.

Éomer: I know who the King is, you prat! But Théoden no longer recognises friend from foe.

[Éomer takes his helmet off.]

Éomer: Not even his own kin.

Aragorn: [Whispering to Legolas]: Are we meant to recognise him?

Legolas: [Also whispering]: I think so.

Aragorn: [Whispering again]: Ohh! Okay.

[The spears are withdrawn, somewhat relutantly.]

Éomer: Saruman has poisoned the mind of the King and claimed lordship over this land. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning.

(Comment: What was the new definition of "cunning" again? I'm sure I don't want to think about Saruman doing it either way...)

Aragorn: Noooo!

Éomer: Indeed! He walks here and there they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets.

[Éomer gives them a dirty look.]

Aragorn: We are no spies. We track a party of Uruk-Hai westward across the plain. They've taken two of our friends captive.

Éomer: The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night.

Gimli: [Distraught and despairing]: But there were two Hobbits! Did you see two Hobbits with them?

Rider: [Off Screen]: HOBBITS!

Aragorn: They would be small, only children to your eyes.

Rider: [Off Screen]: WOOOO!

Éomer: Are you patronising me?

Aragorn: Never!

Éomer: [Whispering to another rider]: Hey, I think he *is* patronising me. Let's put him off the scent a little, and not tell him we didn't see hobbits... [Speaking normally again.] Hmm... Well, we left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them.

Rider: [Off Screen]: Aww! [Sulks]

[He points off in the distance, where we see the Uruk-hai pile, still smoking.]

Gimli: [Disbelieving]: Dead?

Éomer: [Sarcastically]: Nooo...

[Éomer pauses briefly - then nods.]

Éomer: I am sorry.

[Rider sniggers off screen.]

Gimli: Like fuck you are, you bastard!

[Gimli tries to attack Éomer but is help back with great ease by Legolas (and by great ease I mean, like, with the index finger of one hand). Éomer ignores the struggling dwarf and carries on.]

Éomer: Hasufel! Arod!

Gimli: What you call me?!

[Two assistants come forth bearing coconuts.]

Éomer: I present you with these horses, who have killed two riders each already. May they bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands... Oh, and watch out for potholes.

[Éomer mounts his horse (Comment: Not like that! Ugh...) and calls to the other riders (and "riders").]

Éomer: We ride north!

[Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride towards the burning carcasses, and Gimli starts to shift through the smouldering pile, from which he retrieves a charred belt and dagger sheath.]

Gimli: [Sadly]: It's one of their wee belts.

Legolas: [With closed eyes]: Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath.

Hovering Translator: May they find icecream after death.

[Aragorn kicks an Orc helmet in frustration.]

Aragorn: AAAHHH!!!

Legolas: What?

Aragorn: I broke my fucking toe!

Legolas: I know that but it's not in the script.

Gimli: As we were saying...

[Gimli consults the script and adopts a disbelieving tone.]

Gimli: We failed them.

[Aragorn away, off to the side, but as he does so, something catches his eye and he touches the grass gently.]

(Comment: o.O)

Aragorn: A Hobbit lay here...

[Aragorn moves his hand across the ground a little way.]

Aragorn: ...And the other.

Gimli: I always knew those hobbits fancied each other.

(Comment: Ooh! Naughty Hobbits! Cuddling in the grass, indeed!)

[-^-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-^-]

[Pippin yells as he looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on him. He rolls over.]

[-^-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-^-]

Aragorn: They crawled.

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[Merry and Pippin crawl frantically away from the battle.]

[-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-]

Aragorn: Their hands were bound.

Legolas: Kinky!

[Gimli winks at Legolas, who grins.]

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[Pippin rubs his bonds furiously against the sharp edge of an upturned blade.]

(Comment: o.O)

[-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[Aragorn picks up a piece of cut rope.]

Aragorn: Their bonds were cut!

Gimli: How observant!

Aragorn: ...Err... Shit, what's my line... Ah fuck it, I'll make something up... They ran over here... They were followed.

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[Their hands freed, the Hobbits run away from the battle scene, dodging under a horse and trying to stay out of harms way. As they flee, Grishnákh grabs Pippin by his belt and clings on.]

Merry: The belt!

[Pippin undoes his belt and Grishnákh is left holding the belt, which he chews absent-mindedly and the Hobbits run off.]

Merry: Run!

[-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-]

Aragorn: The tracks lead away from the battle, into... Fangorn Forest...

Legolas: Ooh! Pretty forest!

Gimli: Fangorn?! What madness drove them in there? It's eeeviiil!

Legolas: Oi!

Gimli: Wood Elves. [Sigh]

[Legolas pouts.]

Aragorn: Now look what you've done! He's gonna be unbearable for days now!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Hobbits are seen in Fangorn Forest.]

Pippin: Did we lose him? I think we lost him.

Merry: Don't ask questions if you're going to answer yourself straight away!

[Suddenly, Grishnákh bursts through the branches, brandishing a blade.]

Grishnákh: I'm gonna rip out your filthy little innards! Come here!

Pippin: I think I'll pass. actually, thanks all the same though.

Merry: Trees!

Pippin: Duh!

Merry: Shut up! Climb a tree!

[Pippin and Merry scramble up a large tree.]

Merry: He's gone!

Pippin: No he's not, he's behind you!

(Comment: He's behiiiiiiiind yoooooouuuu! *hem*)

[Suddenly, Merry is pulled by his legs and falls to the ground. Grishnákh leans over him with his menacing blade.]

(Comment: Hmm...)

Pippin: Meeeeeer-ryyyyyyy!

[Pippin looks down in horror but as he turns his head, he spots a pair of gleaming yellow eyes blinking in the tree he’s clinging to and turns back around.]

Pippin: Ahh!

[Pippin loses his grip in fright and falls. The tree catches him.]

Grishnákh: [To Merry]: Let's put a maggot-hole in your belly...

Merry: You have maggots too?!

[Merry cowers.][Suddenly Grishnákh senses something behind him and as he looks up, the tree squashes him.]

(Comment: Woo! Fun! ^.^)

Pippin: Run, Merry!

[The tree scoops up Merry in its other hand.]

Treebeard: Little Orcs! {Insert Ent-noise here}

Pippin: It's talking, Merry. The tree is talking.

Merry: Duh!

Pippin: Hey! That's my word!

Treebeard: Tree? I am no tree!

Merry: I think you offended the tree, Pip!

Treebeard: *I* am an Ent.

Merry: A Tree-herder! A shepherd of the forest.

Pippin: Don't talk to it, Merry! Don't encourage it!

(Comment: I just read that as "Don't eat it, Merry!" >.<)

Merry: Aww, why not? It could be fun!

Treebeard: Treebeard some call me.

Pippin: And whose side are *you* on?

Treebeard: Treebeard: Side? I am on nobody's side, we lost all the entwives, little sex-mad Orc. Nobody cares for my wood anymore.

Merry: We're Orcs! Not Hobbits! No, no, wait!

[Merry looks desperately at Pippin who mouths something at it.]

Merry: We're not Orcs. We're Hobbits!

[Pippin nods furiously.]

Treebeard: Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me.

Pippin: It's not our fault you're behind because you never go anywhere!

Treebeard: [Ignoring Pippin]: They come with effort! They come with passion! Gnawing, biting, licking, shagging, fucking. Humpers and prostitutes. Curse them!

(Comment: Over-use of the word "come" there, I think. Thanks, Andúril, lol.)

Merry: No! You don't understand, you stupid tree. We're Hobbits! Halflings! Shirefolk!

Treebeard: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know.

Pippin: The White Wizard? NO! NOT MORE WIZARDS!

Merry: Saruman?! EEEEEEEK!

[Treebeard drops Merry and Pippin on the ground and the Hobbits look up in wonder at the White Wizard.]

(Comment: o.O)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Frodo and Sam follow Gollum to the end of the rocky terrain. Gollum looks back.]

Gollum: See, see, we've led you out! Hurry, Hobbitses, hurry! Very lucky we find you.

[Gollum looks up at Sam and grins.]

Gollum: Nice hobbit.

Frodo: Gollum? Are you hitting on Sam?

Gollum: What? Oh no, no Master! We wouldn't hit on Master's gay hobbit-lover! Never!

[Gollum looks down at his feet and the scene switches. We see the Hobbits following Gollum through a light mist.]

Sam: Whoa! It's a bog! He's led us into a swamp!

Frodo: Make your mind up! Which is it - a bog or a swamp?

Gollum: Swamp, yes, yes.

Frodo: Gollum says swamp, we're sticking with swamp.

Sam: [Mutters]: Favouritism.

Gollum: Come, master!

Frodo: Oh, Gollum!

Gollum: We will take you only on the safe paths, through the mist. Come, Hobbits, come!

Sam: Oh!

Gollum: I found it, I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don't use it. Orcs don't know it. They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly!

Frodo and Sam: OH!

[Both hobbits come.]

Gollum: Swift and quick as shadows we must be.

Sam: There are dead things! Dead faces in the water!

Gollum: All dead. All rotten. Elves and men and Orcses. A great orgy, long ago.

[Gollum looks wistful for a moment then continues.]

Gollum: The Dead Marshes. Yesss. Yesss! That is their name. This way. Don't follow the lights!

Frodo: What lights?

[Sam and Gollum sigh. (Comment: Oh *those* lights...) Some time passes and we see Sam stumble.]

Sam: Ohh!

Gollum: Careful now! Or Hobbits go down to join the dead ones, and light little candles of their own.

[Frodo continues straight on where Gollum and Sam veer off to the right. Sam turns around and spots him, standing on the edge of a strech of water with a dead Elf in it.]

Sam: Frodo!

[Frodo falls face-down into the water and sees many faces of the dead in the water. Their hands reach for him, seeking to draw him into their realm. (Comment: Why would they want?!) Suddenly he is grabbed from behind (Comment: Is he now? o.O) and pulled ashore.]

Frodo: Gollum?

Gollum: Don't follow the lights!

Frodo: Gollum!

Sam: Frodo! are you alright?

Gollum: [Sarcastically]: Yess, yesss, Preciousss, he's fine! Just nearly died, you know, happensss all the time. He livesss for it, doesssn't he, Preciousss?

[Night falls. Sam is asleep but Frodo is still awake. He holds his Ring in the palm of his hand, staring at it and stroking it. Suddenly he hears a voice.]

Gollum: Ssso bright, ssso beautiful. Our Preciousss...

Frodo: What did you say? Were you talking about my Ring again?

Gollum: Master should be resting. Master need to keep up his strength.

Frodo: For what? [Pause] Who are you?

Gollum: Mustn't ask us, not it's business. Gollum, gollum.

Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of the River Folk.

Gollum: Cold be hand and heart and bone, cold be travellers far from home.

Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.

Gollum: They do not see what lies ahead, when sun has failed and moon is dead.

Sam: Enough rhyming! I'm trying to sleep. Go flirt somewhere else.

Frodo: You were not so different from a Hobbit once, were you... Sméagol?

Gollum: What did you call me?

Frodo: That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago.

Gollum: My... My name... Sméagol.

[As he speaks, he notices something in the sky, screeching is heard, and he draws back in fear.]

Gollum: Ahh!

Sam: Black Riders!

Gollum: Hide! Hide!

Sam: Duh! Duh!

[Frodo feels a sharp pain in his shoulder.]

Sam: C'mon Frodo, C'mon!

Gollum: Dirty hobbitses!

Sam: You can't talk!

Gollum: They will see us! They will see us. (Comments: See you doing what?) Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!

Sam: I thought they were dead!

Gollum: Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No.

[The Ringwraith screeches as it swoops overhead.]

Gollum: They are calling for it. They are calling for the Preciousssss.

[Frodo reaches for his Ring, but Sam grabs his hand and holds it tightly.]

(Comment: Awwww! Bless!)

Sam: It's alright.

[The Ringwraith circles overhead and flies off into the distance.]

Gollum: Hurry, Hobbits. The Black Féte is very close.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Meanwhile, Aragorn and company go into Fangorn Forest to look for Merry and Pippin. Legolas starts humming then begins to sing.]

(Comment: "Meanwhile, in another part of the forest..." Sounds like some kids TV thing to me.)

Legolas: In the forest, the mighty forest, the dwarfy meeps tonight!!!

Aragorn: Imbube, ah imbube!

Legolas: In the forest, the mighty forest, the dwarfy meeps tonight!!!

[He pauses for a moment.]

Legolas: KameeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeep, a imba umba weh....

[He grins, then stops and looks disgusted as Gimli wipes something blackish off a leaf with his gloves and licks it.]

Gimli: [Spits] Orc blood!

(Comment: And how does he know what it tastes like, eh?)

[Legolas sees Aragorn jumping around, doing forward rolls and suchlike.]

Legolas: Aragorn! What're you doing?

Aragorn: What does it look like?

Legsie: Er, like your trying out for the Russian gymnastics team?

Aragorn: I'm trying to look for Merry and Pippin's tracks!

Legolas: o.0

(Comment: That's a face, he's not saying that... Idiot.)

Aragorn: These are strange tracks...

Legolas: What tracks?

Aragorn: Look! I'm a ranger, I notice these things!

[Legolas looks doubtful. The camera pans out to see the group are standing in a large ent footprint....]

Gimli: The air is so close in here.

Legolas: Oi! Get off me! [He pauses for a moment] This forest is old. Very old. Full of memories... And anger... And trees.

[Aragorn sighs.]

Aragorn: Forests do tend to be full of trees, Legolas. You'd think even you'd know that, being a Wood Elf and all.

[Legolas blushes.]

Legolas: The trees are speaking to each other!

[They looks around and see Gimli waving his axe around "dramatically".]

Aragorn: Gimli!

Gimli: Huh?

Aragorn: Lower your axe.

Gimli: Oh! Why?

Aragorn: Trees...

Gimli: Ohh!

Legolas: Aragorn, nad no ennas!

Hovering Translator: Aragorn, stop thinking with your penis!
(Originally: "Something's got out over there! Hide!")

Aragorn: Man cenich?

Hovering Translator: I'm a guy ain't I?!
(Originally: "What do you see this time?")

(Comment: Yes, the annoying little dude is back...)

Legolas: The White Wizard approaches.

Translator Dude: I Istyo...fuck!

(Comment: My last comment was on about the translator, but it applies well to the wizard, too!)

Aragorn: Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us! We must be quick.

[With a yell, the three swing round to attack in accord. They are suddenly blinded by a bright light from behind the White Wizard. Gimli's axe and Legolas' arrow are deflected. Aragorn's sword becomes to hot to hold.]

(Comment: o.O Worried now...)

Wizard: You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits.

Aragorn: Where are they?

Wizard: They passed this way the day before yesterday.

Aragorn: Wouldn't that be the other day?

Wizard: Oh, yes, I suppose it would. Well, they met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?

Aragorn: Who are you? Show yourself!

Wizard: [To Camera]: You know who it is yet, kids? No? Well you'll soon see...

[The wizard steps forward, and it is Gandalf, dressed in white.]

Aragorn: It cannot be! You fell! Bugger off! We don't want you here! We were perfectly happy without you, but nooo! You can't let us be, can you?!

Gandalf: It was a fun roller coaster ride. Through fire and water. With a Balrog. He swept me off my feet.
(Originally: "It was a great trip. Through fire and water. With a Balrog. He swept me off my feet.")

[Gandalf sighs and the others exchange worried glances.]

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

[Gandalf is battling the Balrog on a peak.]

Gandalf: [Voice Over]: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I rode him, the Balrog of Morgoth.

[Gandalf and the Balrog pause for a moment, staring at each other. Everything pauses for a long moment. A random crowd appears on the screen.]

Random Crowd: Get on with it!

[Gandalf holds up Glamdring and a flash of lightning strikes it before he plunges his sword into the Balrog. With a final cry, the Balrog falls from the peak and lands, smoking, onto the icy mountainside.]

(Comment: This is no time to stop for a quick cigarette!)

Gandalf: [Voice Over]: Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and each day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.

[-^-^-^-^End Flashback^-^-^-^-]

((CAUTION: EXTREME SARCASM AHEAD!))

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli: [EXTREME sarcasm]: Woo-hoo!

[Gandalf looks slightly put out.]

Aragorn: Gandalf.

Gandalf: Gandalf? Yes. That's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Gay, er, Grey. That was my name.

Aragorn: [Quietly - to himself]: Was it really? Fascinating... [Turning to Legolas] He's senile, humour him.

Legolas: Yes Gandalf, that was your name...

[Aragorn applauds slightly.]

Gimli: Gandalf!

Gandalf: *I* am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.

[They start to walk through the forest, with Gandalf leading the way.]

Gandalf: One stage of your journey is over, another begins. War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed.

[Outside the forest, Gandalf wolf-whistles piercingly. Soon an answering whistle is heard and a tall elf with white hair appears from the plain, bearing coconuts.]

Legolas: That is one of the Mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell.

Gandalf: Shadowfax. The Lady of all Wenches. She's been my "friend" through many dangers.

[Gandalf raises his eyebrows suggestivelly and winks at Shadowfax who nods her head to the pervy wizard. The other three look at each other and mount their own horses (Gimli behind Legolas, of course). The four of them ride off.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Treebeard walks through the forest, carrying Merry and Pippin.]

Treebeard: My home lies deep in the forest, near the roots of the mountains. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe and safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger is in their hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us Ents left to manage them.

[Merry and Pippin yawn.]

Pippin: Are we theeeere yeeet?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This "revised" script is the product of much hard work and insanity by Dark Queen Iauraearien and Dark Lord Andúril. Additional insanity provided by Werewolf and §hadow.
(See, credited you twice!)

(Note: All characters, scenes, scripts and other material copyright of their respective owners - ask myself or Andúril for further information.)