[Black screen]

Narrator: The board is changed. I taste it in the tea. I feel it in the miruvor. I smell it in the air. I hear it in the meep. Much that once was is lost. For none now post who remember it.

[The words 'The Lord of the Meeps' appear in gold lettering on the screen, the screen fades back to black, then a fire comes onto the screen. A pair of tongs are seen pouring a heated liquid into a mould.]

It began with the forging of the Lap Tops.

[Three Elves are seen, each holding one of the Elven Lap Tops, which are jewelled. We see the Elves looking at their Lap Tops.]

Three were given to the Elves: immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

Seven to the Dwarf-lords: great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.

[We see the dwarves take their Lap Tops.]

And nine. Nine Lap Tops were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire internet access.

[The men are seen with their Lap Tops.]

For within these machines was bound the strength and will to visit message boards. Each Lap Top was used to make Posts on MT, home to the Free peoples of Middle-internet. But they were all of them deceived.

[We see a map of Middle-internet, which darkens as the screen blacks out.]

For another Lap Top was made.

[Map is shown again, this time showing TORc.]

In the land of TORc, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a Master Post on his Lap Top, a Post to control all other sites.

[We see Mount Doom, a volcano, spitting out lava from the top. We see Sauron's face, wearing a mask. Then we see a more distant shot of Sauron, this time holding a floppy disk up in his hand.]

And into this Post, stored on floppy, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all Message Boards with the Power of Mereep.

[Fire blots out his image, and in the fire we see a floppy disk. We see a close shot of Sauron, with the Post Disk in his hand. The camera zooms in on the Post Disk, which has fiery Elvish letters on its label.]

One Post to rule them all.

[Once again, we see a map of Middle-internet. A dark cloud originating from TORc spreads to the rest of Middle-internet.]

One by one, free sites of Middle-internet fell to the power of the Post.

[The map blends into a small message board in Middle-internet, where people are running away from Evil Newbies, who are brandishing TORc posts, and burning down houses.]

But there were some who resisted.

[We see an army of men marching, then a long shot of the battle field, where there are thousands of Men, Elves, and Evil Newbies in battle, marching towards each other. The camera moves up to show Mount Doom.]

A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of TORc. And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-internet.

[We see an Evil Newbie snarling, then a line of meepers shouting "Meep!". Once again, we see a long shot of the battle field, with Evil Newbies falling off cliff tops as they are meeped at. There are tens of thousands on the battle field. Then we see close shots of an army of Elves and men, commanded by Elrond.]

Elrond: Tangado haid! Leithio i meeps!

[Translation: "Hold your positions! Fire the meeps!"]

[The Elves/Men have their shields out, and as the Evil Newbies charge towards them, they open their mouths and shout "MEEP". Many Evil Newbies fall.]

Narrator: Victory was near. But the power of the Post could not be undone.

[Sauron appears, and with him, a hazy cloud. We see a close up shot of his hand, which is holding the Post Disk. The fiery letters are very clear. Sauron swings his mouse by the cable, and the Men and Elves against him are flung outwards, yelling in pain. The King charges forward, trying to kill Sauron. Sauron slashes at him, flinging him to the ground. His sword falls. Isildur, his son, runs to his side, and takes off his helmet.]

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword.

[As he grabs at the sword, Sauron steps on it, breaking it. While Isildur is staring at the broken sword's hilt, Elrond walks up.]

Elrond: Dark Lord Sauron! Welcome back... We've missed you!

Sauron: It ends tonight.

Elrond: No, it doesn't. I have forseen it.

Sauron: You've read the script?

Elrond: Yes...

[Still holding the hilt of the broken sword, Isildur slashes at Sauron's wrist while shouting "Meep". He cuts off the hand which holds the Post Disk (it is unclear whether this is due to meepage or the broken sword). The hand, still holding the Post Disk, falls to the ground, as Sauron falls backwards. Isildur sits up and leans over the Post Disk, as Sauron is destroyed in a light that seems to come from his body. A bright light comes from him, and a cloud spreads over the battlefield, killing all the Evil Newbies and Sauron's allies. Sauron's helmet falls to the ground, smoke coming out of it.]

Sauron, the enemy of the Free peoples of Middle-internet, was defeated.

[Isildur, amazed, holds Sauron's hand, with the Post Disk on it.]

The Post passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.

[We see the Post Disk in Isildur's hand, and as he holds it, the hand of Sauron turns to dust and blows away.]

But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the Post of Power has a will of its own.

[We see Isildur on a horse, and the Post Disk on a chain around his neck. He is attacked by Newbies. One jumps onto his back, and the others shoot him with their arrows. He is seen in the Great River, dead, with three arrows in his back.]

It betrayed Isildur to his death.

[The Post Disk is seen floating down to the bottom of the river.]

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend; legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years the Post passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.

[The screen fades to black. Then we see the same part of the river, some time later. We then see the Post Disk, half buried, still on the river floor. A hand is seen closing over it.]

Gollum: My preciousss.

[We see Gollum holding the Disk in his hand, then a shot of the Misty Mountains.]

Narrator: The Post Disk came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there it consumed him.

[We see Gollum, deep in a cave, squatting on a rock, looking at the Post Disk in his hand.]

Gollum: It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My Preciousss... Meep!

Narrator: The Post brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For 500 years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave it waited.

[Screen blacks out, then we see an indistinct shape, which comes into focus: a full moon. The image sharpens more, and we see it behind the cover of a tree.]

Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear.

[We see a ripple in the Great Lake, the screen merges into a shot of a red sunset.]

And the Post of Power perceived its time had now come.

[We hear the sound of plastic and metal on rock, echoing through Gollum's cave, and see the Post Disk falling.]

It abandoned Gollum. But something happened then, the Post did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.

[A hand is seen on the Post Disk.]

Bilbo: What's this?

Narrator: A Hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.

[We see a full view of a Hobbit, who fingers it, then smiles.]

Bilbo: A disk.

Gollum [Offstage, in the distance]: Lost! My Precious is lost!!!

[We see the outside of the Misty Mountains, now moving away from them.]

Narrator: For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all.

[The screen blacks out.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ A Long-Expected Meeping ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Screen fades in, and we see a scene in the woods, where Frodo is sitting under a tree, reading a book (The History of the Meep). All is green and peaceful, and birds are meeping loudly. The words "The Fellowship of the Meep" appear, then "The Shire... 60 years later." We hear a voice singing.]

Gandalf: [Sings]: Down from the door where it began, Now far ahead the Meep has gone, And I must follow if I can...

[Frodo stands up, taking a pipe out of his mouth as he does so. He looks across the woods, and as he does so, his face breaks into a sudden smile, and he runs off. We see the back of a cart, and of Gandalf, who is singing.]

Gandalf: [Sings]: The Meep goes ever on and on, Down from the door where it began, Now far ahead the Meep has gone, And I must follow if I can.

[Frodo comes to the side of the path on which Gandalf's cart is travelling. He folds his arms. Gandalf stops singing abruptly. Suddenly the screen flickers, and English subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen.]

Frodo: Vous êtes en retard.

[The screen flickers again, and the subtitles disappear, mysteriously. Gandalf looks slightly taken aback.]

Gandalf: [Sternly]: A wizard is never a retard, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he called one. He comes precisely when he meeps... I mean, er, means to.

[They look at each other for a moment, as though trying to keep a straight face. Then, as Gandalf's mouth begins to twitch, their faces both break into sudden smiles, and they laugh richly. Frodo jumps onto Gandalf's lap, arms outstreched.]

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf!

[He catches him, embracing him as he does so, swaying from side to side with Frodo in his arms, laughing once again. They *finally* break apart, and Gandalf looks at Frodo lovingly.]

Gandalf: You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Bilbo's birthday?

[He touches Frodo's face affectionately, and laughs.]

Frodo: What news of the outside world? Tell me everything!

Gandalf: Everything? You're far to eager and curious for a Hobbit. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has this past Age. Full of its own comings and goings. Scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits. For which I am very thankful.

[Gandalf gives Frodo a dirty look.]

[The cart passes through a crowded marketplace, where Hobbits can be seen going about their daily tasks, leading pigs and goats, exchanging goods, or just eating.]

Hobbit: [Waves]: Look! It's Gandalf! He's come!

[Gandalf tips his famous pointy hat.]

[The cart moves out of the marketplace, and on, to the top of a slope, where we are given a magnificent view of a more quiet part of the Shire, which is lush, and green. Several hobbit-holes can be seen beneath the hills.]

Gandalf: Ooh - The long expected meeping.

[We see a group of twenty or so hobbits working on party preparations. Ten or so try to keep a tent up, while others carry tables and chairs.]

Hobbit: Hold it! Hold it! Nearly there!

[Hobbits can be seen putting up a banner saying "Happy Birthday Bilbo Baggins". As it is raised, the Hobbits cheer, and they clap and cheer more loudly when it stays up. What "it" is is unclear, I leave it to your imagination. ;)]

Hobbits: Yeah, Bilbo, yay, up we go... etc...

[Gandalf and Frodo continue on, on what seems to be a grassy path through the woods.]

Gandalf: So how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of "special magnificence"!

[Gandalf winks.]

Frodo: You know Bilbo. He's got the whole place in an uproar.

Gandalf: Now, well, that should please him.

Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited!

Gandalf: Good gracious me!

Frodo: He's up to something.

Gandalf: Hmm... [Mutters]

Frodo: All right then, keep your secrets.

[The cart passes a hobbit-hole, with a chimney breathing white clouds of smoke, and a line of clothing hung on its roof. Two Hobbits stand by the gate, talking, and wave as the cart passes them by.]

Frodo: Before you came, we Bagginses were very well thought of.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything "unexpected".

Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with dragon, I was barely involved.

[Gandalf looks at Frodo; Frodo looks back doubtfully.]

Gandalf: All I did was give your uncle a little nudge.

Frodo: [Half-laughing]: Whatever you did, you've been officially labelled a disturber of the peace.

Gandalf: [Mutters]: Oh, really?

[A hobbit by the name of Proudfoot sees Gandalf, while sweeping the front of his house, and eyes him rather sourly. Hobbit children are seen running through the fields, and following the cart.]

Hobbit kids: Gandalf! Gandalf's here!! Gan-DALF!

[The Hobbit kids climb a fence, and run past the gate at which the Proudfoot hobbit and his wife are standing. The Proudfoot hobbit mouths something, then closes his mouth, as though pained. Soon, the Hobbit children come to the road that the cart is on, and stand on one fork of it.]

Hobbit kids: Fireworks, Gandalf... Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf...

[Gandalf takes the other fork.]

Hobbit kids: Ohhhh...

[Gandalf lets some fireworks out of the back of the wagon. The Hobbit children jump up and down, and cheer. Frodo smiles to himself, then looks at Gandalf, rather amused.]

Gandalf: Oooh... [Laughs] Oooh...

(Comment: Does that sound wrong to anyone else??)

[The Proudfoot hobbit laughs, and as he does so, his wife walks towards him, hands on her hips, giving him a rather quelling look. His smile vanishes, and he adopts a grumpy expression. Gandalf and Frodo come to the woods, and slow down.]

Frodo: Gandalf - I'm glad you're back.

Gandalf: So am I, dear boy.

[Frodo jumps off the wagon, and waves, as he leaves.]

Gandalf: [Mutters to himself]: So am I.

[Frodo runs off into the fields, and Gandalf continues on to Bag End. As he stops his cart in front of it, Gandalf looks at the hobbit-hole, and sighs in satisfaction. He opens the gate, which reads "No admittance except on party business", then continues on to the front door, which he knocks on, with his staff.]

Bilbo: No, thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!

Gandalf: And what about very old friends?

[Bilbo opens his front door.]

Bilbo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins.

[Holds his hands out to him.]

Bilbo: My dear Gandalf!

[He walks towards Gandalf, who kneels down and embraces him.]

Gandalf: Good to see you. One hundred and eleven years old. Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day.

Bilbo: You old flatterer, mind you, you always were... Come on, come in. Welcome, welcome. Here we are.

[He takes Gandalf's stick and hat.]

Bilbo: Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger. I've got a few of bottles of the old Winyard left. 1296. Very good year. Almost as old as I am. Ha ha ha ha ha. It was laid down by my father. What's say we open one, eh?

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.

[Gandalf hits his head on one of the lights. Then, as he's putting it straight, he hits his head on the ceiling.]

Gandalf: Ohh...

Bilbo: I was expecting you sometime last week. Not that it matters. You come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We've only got some cold chicken and a bit of pickle... There's some cheese. Oh no, that won't do. We've got rasberry jam, an apple tart... But not much for afters. Oh, no, we're all right. I've just found some sponge cake.

[Gandalf looks at some maps on the table.]

Bilbo: I can make us some eggs if you li- Ganda- Gandalf?

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you. For now...

Bilbo: Oh, right. You don't mind if I eat, do you?

Gandalf: No, not at all.

Female Hobbit: [Outside]: Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo: I'm not at home! I've got to get away from these confounded relatives, hanging on my bell all day, never giving me a moment's peace. I want to see mountains again, *mountains*, Gandalf. And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book... Oh - tea! In the excitement I quite forgot!

Gandalf: So you mean to go through with your plan, then?

Bilbo: Yes, yes, it's all in hand. All the arrangements are made.

[Bilbo gets the tea, and Gandalf takes the lid off the teapot for him.]

Bilbo: Oh, thank you.

Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.

Bilbo: Course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some blockheaded Bracegirdle from Hardbottle.

Gandalf: You will tell him, won't you.

Bilbo: Yes, yes.

Gandalf: He's very "fond" of you!

Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him!

[Gandalf looks over at Bilbo.]

Bilbo: But, I think in his heart, Frodo's still in love with the Shire. The woods, the fields. Little rivers. I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The night of the party. Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting outside Bag End together, watching the sun set.]

(Comment: Aww, how romantic...)

Bilbo: Old Toby. The finest in the Southfarthing.

[Bilbo blows a smoke ring, and Gandalf blows a ship that goes through it.]

(Comment: o.O Is it just me??)

Bilbo: Blimey! What a strange atmospheric anomoly!

[Gandalf sighs.]

Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend. This will be a night to remember.

[Gandalf and Bilbo look at each other.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Fireworks go off, everyone cheers. It is the night of the party, and Hobbits are dancing to music.]

Bilbo: Hello, hello. Fatty Bolger. Lovely to see you. Welcome, welcome!

Frodo: Go on, Sam, ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam: I think I'll just have another ale.

Frodo: Oh, no you don't! Go on!

[Sam stands up for another ale, but Frodo pushes him towards Rosie. They dance. Frodo laughs. Gandalf lets off a bright blue firework, that opens out over party site. Bilbo is sitting on a low bench, telling a group of young Hobbit children a story.]

Bilbo: So there I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls. And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to do to us. Whether they should take out clo...

[He is kicked by an older hobbit who's watching]

Bilbo: ...Oh, right... About how they were going to cook us, that's it, cooking... Whether it be turned on a spit, or whether they should sit on us one by one, squash us, to jelly.

[Hobbit girl gasps.]

Bilbo: And they spent so much time arguing, the whitertos and the whyfors that the sun's first light crept over the top of the trees and *poof*!

[Hobbit kids gasp.]

Bilbo: And turned them all rock hard, I mean, er, to stone!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Gandalf takes out some fireworks from a wagon by a tent. As he leaves, Merry and Pippin come out from behind the tent.]

Pippin: [Whispers]: Quickly!

[Merry starts to throw his arms round Pippin.]

Pippin: No, the cart! The fireworks!

Merry: Oh right! THAT!

[Merry gives Pippin a leg up onto the wagon.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Gandalf is letting off some butterfly fireworks for the young Hobbit children.]

Gandalf: Oh! Up they go!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Pippin takes out a cracker.]

Merry: No, no, the big one, big one.

[Pippin takes out a dragon shaped one. They both run into the tent. Pippin lights it.]

Pippin: Done.

[Pushes the top end towards Merry.]

Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground.

[Pushes it back to Pippin.]

Pippin: It is in the ground!

[Pushes it back to Merry, who pushes it back to Pippin.]

Merry: Outside...

[They continue pushing it back and forth.]

Pippin: This was your idea!

[It goes off, and Merry and Pippin are both thrown to the ground. The firework soars, and the Hobbits cheer. Then it turns into a fiery dragon. The Hobbits scream and run away from it, knocking down tables of food as they do so.]

Frodo: [To himself]: Bilbo... [Loudly] Bilbo, watch out for the dragon!

Bilbo: Dragon? Nonsense, there hasn't been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years!

[The "dragon" passes overhead, and slowly, the Hobbits who had been crouching down, begin to lift their heads. The "dragon" then goes off in to the distance, filling the sky with fireworks.]

Hobbits: Oh! [They cheer]

Merry: That was good!

Pippin: Let's get another one.

[Gandalf grabs them by the ears.]

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I might've known.

[Merry and Pippin are seen washing up the dishes. Gandalf sits nearby, watching them, drinking tea, and smoking.]

The Hobbit crowd: Meep, Bilbo! Meep!

[They cheer and clap.]

Frodo: Meep!

[Bilbo walks up to the front of the crowd.]

Bilbo: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

[They all cheer.]

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins! Tooks and Brandybucks! Grubbs! Chubbs! Hornblowers!

[Scattered sniggering is heard.]

Bilbo: Bolgers! Bracegirdles! And Proudfoots!

Proudfoot: Proudfeet!

[The crowd laughs, as Bilbo waves his hand dismissively, in the direction of the Proodfoot Hobbit.]

Bilbo: Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!

Random Hobbit in crowd: Happy Birthday!

Bilbo: Alas. Eleventy one years is far too short a time to live amongst such excellent, and admirable Hobbits. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve, and some of you I like in oth....

[Bilbo trails off at a look from Gandalf. The Hobbits look at one another, as though trying to work out if this were a compliment. They then give Bilbo a look of digust.]

Hobbit crowd: Eeeeeewww!

[Gandalf eyes him, as though half-amused.]

Bilbo: I er... I have things to do.

[Puts his hand into his pockets.]

Bilbo: [Whispers]: I've put this off for far too long. [Louder] I regret to announce this is the end. I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. [Whispers] Goodbye.

[He vanishes, and the crowd gasps. Gandalf and Frodo look troubled. Bilbo makes his way back to Bag End, still invisible, and reappears once he has closed the door behind him. He appears, laughing. He flips the Post Disk into the air, then catches it, putting it back into his coat pocket. Humming, he picks up his stick, and enters the living room, where the fireplace is already lit.]

Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever.

Bilbo: Come on, Gandalf. Did you see their faces?

Gandalf: There are many magic disks in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and none of them should be used lightly!

Bilbo: It was just a bit of fun... Oh, you're probably right, as usual... You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?

Gandalf: Two eyes, as often as I can spare them.

Bilbo: I'm leaving everything to him.

Gandalf: What about this disk of yours, is that staying too?

Bilbo: Yes, yes. It's in an envelope over there, on the mantlepiece...

Gandalf: It should be in a disk box, and not over the fire!

Bilbo: No, wait it's - here in my pocket.

[Takes the Post Disk out and fingers it.]

Bilbo: Why - isn't that - isn't that odd, now. Yet after all that, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it?

Gandalf: I think you should leave the disk behind, Bilbo. Is that so hard?

Bilbo: Well no... And yes. Now it comes to it... I don't feel like parting with it. It's mine! I found it! It came to me!

Gandalf: There's no need to get angry.

Bilbo: Well if I'm angry, it's your fault! ... It's mine. My own. My precious.

[Bilbo's eyes bulge.]

(Comment: Okay, I'm reading this all wrong, damn you! You know who you are, sitting there on MSN... *narrows eyes*)

Gandalf: Precious? It's been called that before, but not by you.

Bilbo: Oh, what business is it of yours what I do with my own things?!

Gandalf: I think you've had that disk quite long enough.

Bilbo: You want if for yourself!!

[Gandalf rises up and becomes very angry.]

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS! I AM NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU!!

[Gandalf becomes normal again. (Or as normal as he ever gets anwyay, the old pervert...)]

Gandalf: I'm trying to help you.

[He kneels down beside Bilbo, and places his hand on his shoulder.]

Gandalf: All your long years, we've been friends. Trust me, as you once did, hmm? Let it go.

Bilbo: You're right, Gandalf. The disk must go to Frodo. [Prepares to leave] It's late, the road is long... Yes, it is time...

[Bilbo walks to the front door and opens it.]

Gandalf: Bilbo - the disk is still in your pocket.

Bilbo: [Sheepishly]: Oh - yes.

[Puts it on the palm of his hand, and turns his hand over, letting it drop. It does not bounce. Bilbo turns and walks out his door, and Gandalf follows him.]

Bilbo: I've thought up an ending for my book.

[He turns around to look at Gandalf.]

Bilbo: "And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days."

Gandalf: And I'm sure you will, my dear friend.

Bilbo: Goodbye Grandad.

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Oh sorry, Gandalf! Yes, thats what I meant. Goodbye Gandalf!

Gandalf: Goodbye, dear Bilbo.

[They shake hands.]

Bilbo: The Meep goes ever on and on, etc.

Gandalf: [Softly, to himself]: Until our next meeting.

[Gandalf walks back into the house. He leans over the Post Disk, and reaches out the touch it, but sees a red eye. He leaves it on the floor. The scene cuts out, and we see him sitting by the fire, smoking.]

Bilbo (Voice-Over): It's mine. My own. My precious.

Gandalf: Riddles in the dark...

Frodo: [In the distance]: Bilbo! [Opens door] Bilbo!

[Frodo leans over, and picks up the Post Disk.]

Gandalf: A precious... Precious...

Frodo: He's gone, hasn't he?

[Gandalf lets out a puff of smoke.]

(Comment: What? Out of his ear? That's some trick... Or maybe it was his brain exploding from trying to actually work...)

Frodo: He talked so long about leaving. I didn't think he'd really do it... Gandalf?

[Gandalf turns around to face Frodo. Frodo shows Gandalf the disk in the palm of his hand]

Gandalf: [Smiles]: Bilbo's disk. He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Bag End.

[He holds out an envelope to Frodo, who slwoly puts the disk into it. Gandalf seals the envelope with a red stamp.]

Frodo: I thought you just said that you shouldn't put dis...

Gandalf: [Talking over Frodo]: Don't interrupt! ... Along with all his possessions. The disk is yours now.

[Gandalf holds out the envelope to Frodo, who, after a moments pause, takes it.]

Gandalf: Put it somewhere out of sight.

(Comment: If only it was still a ring... "Put it somewhere out of sight." "Like I'd keep Bilbo's r... I mean, my ring, where anyone could see it.")

[Gandalf makes his way towards the front door.]

Frodo: Where are you going?

Gandalf: There are some things that I must see to.

[Frodo follows him down the corridor.]

Frodo: What things?

Gandalf: Questions.

[Gandalf takes his staff and hat.]

Gandalf: Questions that need answering.

Frodo: You've only just arrived. I don't understand.

[Gandalf looks troubled, and turns around to face Frodo.]

Gandalf: Neither do I.

Frodo: [Mutters]: That'll make a change...

[Bends over so that he is face to face with Frodo.]

Gandalf: Keep it secret.

[Places his hand on Frodo's shoulder.]

Gandalf: Keep it safe.

[He leaves, and shuts the door. Frodo looks at the envelope in his hand. We see shots of Mount Doom, then Minas Morgul.]

Voice: Shire! Shire! Baggins!

[The Gates of Minas Morgul open, and the riders in black are seen riding out from them. Then the scene switches to Gandalf, who is riding up a slope and looking out onto Mount Doom. He then rides off to Minas Tirith, (lots of random MT members cheer), and enters a building full of old scrolls.]

Gandalf: [Reads (Comment: He can read, wow!)]: The year 3434, of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor, and the finding of the Post of Power.

[Images are seen of Isildur taking the Disk from the hand of Sauron.]

Gandalf: [Narrating]: It has come to me... The One Post, which shall be an heirloom of my kingdom. All those who follow in my bloodline shall be bound to its fate, for I will risk no hurt to the Post. It is precious to me...

[As Gandalf reads these lines, we see images from The Prologue: Isildur picks up Sauron's hand, which holds the Post Disk. As he lays it out on the palm of his hand, the hand turns to a powder, and carried away with the wind.]

Gandalf: [Narrating again]: ...though I buy it with a great pain... The markings upon the band begin to fade.

[We see images of Isildur fingering the Post Disk. As he does so, the markings begin to fade.]

Gandalf: [Still narrating]: The writing which at first was as clear as red flame, has all but disappeared, a secret now that only fire can tell.

[The camera zooms in on Gandalf, who looks up from the scroll he has been reading.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Scene switches to a house in the Shire. It is dark, and a man and his dog are standing outside the door, when a rider in black approaches. The dog starts barking, but backs into the house whimpering.]

Rider: Shire. Baggins.

Hobbit: There's no Bagginses around here. They're all up in Hobbiton. That way...

[The Hobbit points and the Rider leaves.]

Hobbit: [To his wife a moment later]: Tourists. [Sigh] They never *can* find Hobbiton.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ The Shadow of the Past ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Scene switches to Hobbiton, where Frodo is at The Green Dragon Inn (GD). Sam and Frodo leave, and pass by Rosie Cotton, a Hobbit Lass who is drying a cup.]

Sam: Good night.

Rosie: Good night.

[Frodo and Sam leave and walk to Bag End.]

Frodo: Good night, Sam.

Sam: Oh, umm, yeah, good night, Mr. Frodo.

[Frodo enters Bag End, while Sam continues on his way home. Upon entering Bag End, Frodo finds the windows open, and his papers flying about the house. Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around, and sees Gandalf.]

Gandalf: Is it secret? Is it safe?

Frodo: What?

[Gandalf sighs.]

Gandalf: Frodo! Is it safe?!

Frodo: Damnit! I *knew* I had forgotten something!

[Gandalf reaches for his staff.]

Frodo: Oh *that*! Yeah, yeah, course it's safe.

Gandalf: [Suspiciously]: Where is it then?

Frodo: Umm...

[Frodo searches in a box, where he finds the envelope he put the disk into.]

Frodo: Ah!

[Gandalf grabs it from him, and throws it into the fire.]

Frodo: What are you doing? It'll melt!

Gandalf: No, no it won't.

[Frodo raises an eyebrow at Gandalf but says nothing. Gandalf takes it out from the fire with tongs, and holds it out to Frodo.]

Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool.

Frodo: [Mutters]: And deformed too, I bet...

[Frodo holds out his hand, as though expecting it to be hot. Gandalf drops the disk onto his palm.]

Gandalf: What can you see? Can you see anything?

Frodo: [Examining the disk]: Nothing... There's nothing... Not even a label now!

[Gandalf sighs in relief.]

Frodo: Wait... There are markings. It's some sort of Elvish or something like that. I can't read a bloody word of it.

Gandalf: Few can. It is the language of TORc, which I will not utter here.

Frodo: TORc?!

Gandalf: In the common tongue, it says "One Post to Rule them all, One Post to find them, One Post to bring them all, And in the darkness bind them."

[Gandalf sits at the table smoking and steaming slightly, while Frodo makes a pot of tea.]

Gandalf: This disk contains the One Post, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself.

Frodo: Bilbo found it. In Gollum's cave.

Gandalf: Yes. For 60 years the Post Disk lay quiet, in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age. But no longer, Frodo. Evil is stirring in TORc. The Post has awoken. It's heard its master's call.

Frodo: But he was destroyed. Sauron was destroyed.

[Whirring sounds come from the Disk, and Gandalf and Frodo look at it oddly.]

Frodo: Shut it you!

[Disk goes quiet, Frodo smiles.]

Gandalf: Concentrate! Now, where was I... Ah yes. [Whispers] No, Frodo. The spirit of Sauron endured. His life force is bound to the Post, and the Post survived. Sauron has returned. His Orcs have multiplied, his fortress of Barad-dûr is rebuilt in the land of TORc. Sauron needs only this disk to cover all the lands in a second darkness. He is seeking it. Seeking it. All his thought is bent on it. The Post yearns above all else to return to the hand of its master. [Whispers even more, Frodo strains to hear] They are one. The Post, and the Dark Lord. Frodo - he must never find it.

[Frodo takes the disk containing the Post and walks into the next room, as though seeking for a place to hide it.]

Frodo: All right. We put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?

[Gandalf remains silent.]

Frodo: [Fearfully]: Do they, Gandalf?

[He turns to face Gandalf.]

Gandalf: There is another who knew that Bilbo had the disk. I looked everywhere for the citizen, Gollum. But the enemy found him first.

[We see shots of Gollum being tortured.]

Gandalf: I don't know how long they tortured him for. But amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words.

Gollum: SHIRE! BAGGINS!

Frodo: [Horrified]: Shire??? Baggins?!?! But that will lead them here!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene switches - The Black Riders are seen galloping across a road in the Shire. A Hobbit holds out a lantern.]

Hobbit: Who goes there?

[The Hobbit's concerned expression turn to one of horror, as one of the Riders removes his head.]

(Comment: Well it would, wouldn't it?! You wouldn't just sit there and think: "Oh, he took my head off... Okay, back to work..." *coughs* Anyway, moving on...)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Frodo: [Desperately]: Take m... it Gandalf! Take it!

[Frodo holds out the disk to Gandalf. Gandalf backs away terrified.]

Gandalf: [Fearfully]: No, Frodo.

Frodo: [Urgently]: You must take it!

Gandalf: [Firmly, yet fearfully]: You cannot offer me this disk.

Frodo: [Desperately]: I'm giving it to you!

Gandalf: [Urgently, fearfully]: DON'T tempt me, Frodo!

[Frodo lowers his hand.]

Gandalf: I dare not take it. [Whispers] Not even to keep you s...

[Frodo looks at him oddly and backs away.]

Gandalf: ...it safe. Understand, Frodo, I would use this disk from a desire to do good and save my work. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.

Frodo: Think highly of yourself, don't you?

Gandalf: Meh, maybe... But with reason.

[Frodo coughs.]

Frodo: But it cannot stay in the Shire!

Gandalf: NO - no it can't.

[Frodo closes his hand over the disk.]

Frodo: What must I do?

[We hear a cupboard door creaking, and we see Frodo packing to leave in a very messy way.]

Gandalf: You must leave. And leave quickly.

Frodo: Where? Where do I go?

Gandalf: Get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree.

Frodo: Bree... What about you?

Gandalf: I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pony.

Frodo: The Prancing Pony?! The disk will be safe *there*???

Gandalf: Oh I don't know, Frodo! I don't have any answers.

[Frodo snorts.]

Gandalf: I must see the head of my band. He is wise and powerful. Trust me, Frodo. He'll know what to do.

Frodo: Trust some crack-pot wizard?

Gandalf: Indeed. Oh, and you'll have to leave the name "Baggins" behind you, it's not safe outside The Shire. Travel only by day, and stay off the road.

Frodo: I can cut across country easily enough.

Gandalf: My dear Frodo.

Frodo: Ah! What've I said about calling me dear?

Gandalf: Oh, sorry... It's just that Hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you.

[A laughing is heard off screen. The camera moves to show the window.]

Gandalf: Get down.

[Frodo drops to the floor. Gandalf takes his staff, slowly moving to the window, then points it out of the window and hits something. Quickly, he grabs it and pulls it inside. It turns out to be a male Hobbit. He drops him onto the table.]

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: I haven't dropped no eaves, sir. Honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?

Sam: I heard raised voices...

Gandalf: What did you hear? SPEAK!

Sam: N-n-nothing important. Well, I heard a good deal about a post, a disk, a Dark Lord, something about the end of the world and something else that made me think that you fancy Mr. Frodo, but, please Mr. Gandalf, sir, please don't 'urt me. Don't turn me into anything - unnatural... [Looks worried]

Gandalf: No...? Perhaps not... [Whispers] I've thought of a better use for you.

Sam: Nooooo! Not that hat, Mr. Gandalf!

Gandalf: Shut up!

[Frodo laughs.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ Three is Company ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The next day at dawn, Gandalf is seen leading his horse into the woods, with Frodo and Sam following him.]

Gandalf: Come on, Samwise, keep up. Now, be careful, both of you. Don't accept sweets from strangers, and don't talk to strange men...

Sam: What about you?

Gandalf: Quiet! As I was saying... [Glares at Sam] ...The enemy has many spies in his service: Birds, beasts... [To Frodo] Is it safe?

[Frodo puts his hand over his coat pocket.]

Frodo: Oh bugger!

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: Kidding, I got it... Oh wait, it's not in that pocket either...

Gandalf: Frodo! Will you stop it?!

[Frodo grins and produces the disk.]

Gandalf: Thank you. Anyway. Never put it on. For the Agent of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember, Frodo. The Post is trying to get back to its master. It wants to be found.

[Gandalf rides off into the woods, birds are heard screeching. Sam and Frodo set off. We see several shots of them travelling across the countryside. After some time, they come to a field, with knee-high crops. Sam stops.]

Sam: This is it.

Frodo: What?

Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.

[Frodo walks back towards Sam.]

Frodo: Come on, Sam.

[Sam takes step. Frodo puts his hand onto Sam's shoulder.]

Frodo: Remember what Bilbo used to say?

[They continue walking.]

Frodo: "It's a dangerous business..."

[Voice changes to Bilbo's.]

Bilbo (Voice-Over): Frodo, going out your door. You step out onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Scene switches to Gandalf riding to Isengard to find Saruman, the head of his band. We see shots of him on the way to Isengard.]

Saruman: [Walking down the steps]: Oh! Er... Hello!

Gandalf: Er. Hello there!

Saruman: Er... Oh! Um... Are you... Wait... No, erm, what are you doing?

Gandalf: Arranging matches!

Saruman: Oh right... Okay then... Er... I think I should leave...

Gandalf: Yes, I think you better had!

Saruman: No, wait, I've got to capture you and... Erm, something... One second! [Consults script] Says here I capture you and we fight, right.

Gandalf: What?

Saruman: Oh nothing! Come inside would you?

Gandalf: Oh... Okay.

Saruman: Would you like some tea?

Gandalf: What?!?

Saruman: Oh, I'm sorry, am I being too forward?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Gandalf and Saruman are talking as they walk in the tree-filled garden next to the tower of Orthanc. Birds can be heard twittering in an annoying fashion.]

Saruman: Are you sure?

Gandalf: Beyond any doubt.

Saruman: [Slowly, thoughtfully]: So the Post of Power has been found.

Gandalf: All these years, it was in the Shire, right under my nose.

[Saruman gives Gandalf a rather scathing look.]

Saruman: [Condescendingly]: And yet you did not have the wit to see it. Either your nose is far too big or your love of the Halfling's leaf has slowed your mind.

(Comment: Or love of the Halflings themselves... *cough*)

Gandalf: [Hurriedly]: But we still have time to counter Sauron if we act quickly.

Saruman: Time? What time do you think we have?

[They stop walking, and Gandalf looks at Saruman.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene moves to Saruman's Room, where Saruman sits on an inflatable chair, Gandalf stands before him.]

Saruman: Sauron has regained strength. He cannot yet take shape but his spirits have lost none of their potency.

[They both look wistful for a moment then snap out of it, Gandalf appears to examine the floor.]

Saruman: Up in his fortress, the Dark Lord sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh.

[Gandalf looks up.]

Saruman: You know what I mean, Gandalf. A Great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.

Gandalf: [Whispers]: The Eye of Sauron.

Saruman: Duuuuh. [Rolls eyes and continues] He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have an army great enough to launch an assault upon Middle-internet.

[Gandalf narrows his eyes.]

Gandalf: How do you know all this?

Saruman: I've seen it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Gandalf and Saruman are walking into the hall. Gandalf walks towards Saruman's computer (or Palantír).]

Gandalf: A computer is a dangerous tool, Saruman.

Saruman: Why? Why should we fear to use it?

[Switches on monitor.]

Gandalf: They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing-stones.

Saruman: [Corrects]: Mother-boards.

Gandalf: Whatever. My point is, we do not know who else may be watching.

[Puts the monitor off again and sees the Eye of Sauron as he does so. Being Gandalf, he looks at his hand in a puzzled way as if it somehow made him see the Eye.]

Saruman: The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Morgul.

Gandalf: [Whispers]: The Nine?

Saruman: Uh huh. The Nine. They crossed the River Isen on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as riders in black.

(Comment: Oh yeah, great disguise...)

Gandalf: They've reached the Shire?

Saruman: They will find the disk, and kill the one who carries it.

Gandalf: [To self]: Frodo!

[Makes for one of the 4 exits, but as he approaches Saruman looks at it and it closes. Gandalf makes for the other 3 exits, but each are closed as he heads for them.]

Saruman: You didn't seriously think that that peculiar Hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron did you? Nobody can. Against the power of TORc there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron.

Gandalf: Sicko.

Saurman: It would be wise, my friend.

Gandalf: Tell me, "friend". When did you abandon reason for madness?

[Furious, Saruman shouts out, pointing his staff as he does so, and pinning Gandalf against the wall, causing him to shout in pain. Saruman walks to him slowly, with his staff pointed at him, then reluctantly drops him to the ground. As Saruman approaches him, Gandalf points his staff at him, causing Saruman to fall onto his back. An odd sort of duel begins and goes on for some time. They fight like two kids with pointy sticks. For a while Gandalf seems to be winning and sends Saruman flying through a shut door. (Comment: Oh, wow!) Saruman soon recovers and Gandalf appears weary. Saruman makes a sudden rude gesture with his hand, which for some reason causes Gandalf's staff to fly into his hand. (Comment: Clever, eh? ;)) Saruman throws Gandalf to the ground, then approaches, a staff in each hand. He points both at Gandalf for dramatic effect and ends up looking like he's about to lift Gandalf up with giant chopsticks.]

Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!

[He uses his staff to throw Gandalf to the top of the tower of Orthanc.]

(Comment: For this he gets the Dumbest Evil Plot Of The Year Award. "I know! Let's lock him on the roof! It has no walls, no ceiling, nothing! It's perfect!" *sighs* Wizards...)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ A Shortcut to Mushrooms ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene shifts back to Frodo and Sam. We see Sam, who is now walking along a path. On either side of him are crops considerably taller than himself. He looks around him, and cannot see Frodo.]

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Frodo! FRODO!

[Frodo comes into sight, and Sam sighs in relief.]

Sam: I thought I'd lost you.

Frodo: What are you talking about?

Sam: It's just something Gandalf said.

Frodo: What did he say?

Sam: "Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to.

[A loving look spreads over Sam's face. Frodo appears a little worried.]

Frodo: Sam, we're still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?

[Merry and Pippin come out from the bushes, and fall onto Frodo and Sam.]

Sam: THAT!

Pippin: Frodo! Merry - it's Frodo Baggins!

Merry: Ooh hello, Frodo.

[Sam heaves Pippin off Frodo.]

Sam: Get off him! Come on, Frodo.

[Tries to take Frodo's hand. Frodo shakes him off. Sam scowls slightly.]

Frodo: What's the meaning of this?

[Merry puts an armful of cabbages into Sam's arms.]

Sam: You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!

Farmer Maggot: Oi! You get back here! Get out of my fields!

Pippin: Didn't he just contradict himself?

Merry: Yeah, I think so...

Farmer Maggot: You know what's gonna happen when I catch up with you?

[Frodo, Merry and Pippin run. Sam drops the stolen goods on the ground and follows the others into the cover of Farmer Maggot's crop.]

Merry: I don't know why he's so upset. It's only a couple of carrots.

Pippin: And some cabbages.

Merry: Yes, Pippin.

Pippin: And then those three bags of potatoes we lifted last week, and...

Merry: YES, Pippin!

Pippin: And, the mushrooms, the week before! And...

Merry: YES, PIPPIN! My point is, he's clearly overreacting!

[They run, but come to the edge of a steep slope. Pippin, Merry, and Frodo try to keep their balance, and almost manage, but then Sam runs into the back of Frodo (possibly not accidentally, knowing Sam), causing them all to fall down the slope.]

Merry: Ohhh... I think I've broken something.

[Merry pulls out a broken carrot from underneath him.]

(Comment: Don't think we want to know where that might have been... >.<)

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.

[Sam helps Frodo up.]

Merry: What? It was just a detour. A shortcut.

Sam: A shortcut? To what???

Pippin: Mushroooooooooms!!!

[Sam, Pippin and Merry scamble over to the mushrooms and whisper as they put some into a bag.]

Merry: [Whispers]: Take that one...

Pippin: [Whispers]: NO! That's mine...

Merry: [Whispers]: Fine, I'll have that one.

[Merry pouts. Pippin ignores him and carries on.]

Pippin: [Whispers]: Mmmm... That's nice, Merry. (Comment: Ack!) Here's a nice one, Sam.

Frodo: Guys, I think we should get off the road...

[The sound of a horse neighing is heard, and the leaves rustle on the ground.]

Frodo: Get off the road! QUICK!

[The other hobbits carry on. Frodo stands over them.]

Frodo: [Loudly]: Umm, guys?

[They looks up after a pause.]

Frodo: Get. Off. The. Goddamn. Road! NOW!

[The Hobbits hurry off the road, and find a hiding place under the roots of a tree. Merry and Pippin fight over the bag of mushrooms.]

Sam: [Whispers]: Be quiet!

[A Black Rider dismounts, and comes towards their hiding place. Frodo closes his eyes, and takes out the Disk. And as he does, the rider turns his face towards him. Frodo holds the Disk near his face, staring at it, but Sam notices, and taps him on the shoulder. Merry rolls his eyes at Pippin, who grins. Frodo opens his eyes, and puts the Disk away. The Rider looks away. Merry, after a short fight with Pippin, throws the bag of mushrooms off into the distance, and the rider moves towards it. (Comment: Four Hobbits, small bag of mushrooms... Very similar, I can see where he was mistaken *rolls eyes*) The Hobbits leave their hiding place and run.]

Merry: What was that?

[Frodo does not answer, but takes out the Disk.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Hobbits are shown running through the woods in the dark. At least one rider is nearby.]

Merry: Anything?

Frodo: Nothing!

[Sam creeps up behind him.]

Pippin: What is going on?

[Sam looks shifty and slowly backs away from Frodo.]

Merry: That Black Rider was looking for something. Or someone... Frodo?

[Frodo turns around to face Merry.]

Frodo: Why do you always automatically assume that it's me?!

Merry: Well... You know... You and Bilbo... Being Bagginses... Umm...

[Frodo glares at him.]

Pippin: [Urgently]: Get down!

[The Hobbits get down, and a Rider is seen nearby.]

Frodo: I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I must get to Bree.

[Pippin looks like he is about to make a joke about this but Merry kicks him.]

Merry: Right... [Looks at Pippin] Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me.

[They follow Merry, but a Black Rider sees and chases them.]

Merry: Run! Frodo, this way! Follow me! Frodo! Hurry! Run! Frodo!

Pippin: Ooooh! Hide and seek! Bet you can't catch me!

[He starts to run about madly.]

Merry: PIPPIN! This is NOT a game! Come on!

[They run, and come to the river. Sam, Merry and Pippin are there, but Frodo is still being chased by a Black Rider, apparently incapable of running in a straiht line to the boat.]

Merry: Get the rope, Sam!

Sam: Frodo!

The Hobbits: Run, Frodo! Go! Hurry! Come on! Faster! Jump!

[The others have untied the boat, and it is drifting off. Frodo runs, and manages to jump onto the boat, landing on Sam, who doesn't seem bothered by this. The rider stops at the river bank, and turns around.]

Black Rider: [Hisses]: Fuck...

Frodo: [Pants]: Too many mushrooms...

[Frodo pauses to catch his breath.]

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: The Brandywine Bridge. Twenty miles.

[The Black Rider is seen riding off (Comment: Duuuuuuh, never would have thought a rider rode...) and is joined by two others.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ At the Sign of the Prancing Pony ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Hobbits are seen approaching the gate into Bree.]

Pippin: Hmm... I can't help thinking we've missed something!

Merry: Like what? We crossed the ferry, then were magically transported 30 miles away to Bree, and we came out of this forest here! What's the problem?

Pippin: Well, I feel that I missed something to do with a homosexual serial minstrel, and whites in barrows...

Merry: Have you been smoking opium again old boy? Fool of a Took!

Frodo: [Rolls eyes]: Come on.

[They knock on the gate. The gatekeeper opens a shutter, but it is too high up to see the Hobbits, and opens a lower one.]

Gatekeeper: What do you want?

Frodo: We're heading for the Prancing Pony.

[Gate opens.]

Gatekeeper: Ooooooh! Hobbits! Four Hobbits! What business brings you to Bree?

Frodo: We wish to stay at the inn. Our business is our own.

Gatekeeper: Alright, young sir, I meant no offence. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. There's talk of strange folk abroad. Can't be too careful.

Merry: [Mutters]: He should try asking himself a few questions then...

[The gatekeeper lets them in. Bree is full of men, or "big folk" as the Hobbits call them, and it is a rough area. One of the Hobbits bumps into one of the men.]

(Comment: Aye aye...>

Man: Out of the way! Watch where you're walking.

[Eventually, they find The Prancing Pony and enter it. Frodo walks up to the counter.]

Frodo: Excuse me.

Innkeeper: Good evening, little masters. If you're seeking accommodation, we've got some nice cozy, Hobbit-sized rooms available... Mr... er...

Frodo: Underhill. My name's Underhill.

Innkeeper: Underhill, yes... That's a pretty name...

[Frodo looks around at Sam who shrugs.]

Frodo: We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?

Innkeeper: Gandalf? Gandalf... Oohhhh... Yes! I remember. Elderly chap. Big grey beard! Pointy hat!

[Frodo smiles and nods. A thought-bubble appears over his head which reads "Idiot..."]

Innkeeper: Not seen him for 6 months.

[Frodo turns back to the other hobbits.]

Sam: What do we do now?

[The scene skips to the Hobbits sitting at a table.]

Frodo: Sam - he'll be here. He'll come.

[Sam mutters something into his drink.]

Frodo: What was that Sam?

Sam: I said "I hope so".

[Frodo looks suspicious. Merry makes his way to the table, with a large mug of ale, but bumps into a man.]

Man: Get out of my way!

[Pippin's eyes widen as he sees Merry sit down with his drink.]

Pippin: [In awe]: What's that?

Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.

Pippin: It comes in pints? I'm getting one.

[Pippin walks off to the bar.]

Sam: [To Pippin] You've got a whole half already! [Turns to Frodo] That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived. [Muttering to himself] Mind you, I can't blame him...

[Sam indicates a man sitting in the corner. Frodo turns to the innkeeper, who just happens to be walking past.]

(Comment: Convenient, eh? Him walking by just at that moment...)

Frodo: Excuse me. That man in the corner. Who is he?

[Innkeeper looks at Frodo then at the man.]

Innkeeper: He's one of them Rangers. Dangerous folk. Wandering the Wilds. Eating hobbits... Just kidding! [Coughs] What his right name is, I've never heard, but around here, he's known as Strider.

[The innkeeper walks off.]

Frodo: Strider...

[Frodo fingers the Ring... Disk even...]

(Comment: Sorry, had to leave that one in, heh heh.)

Voice of Disk: Baggins. Baggins. Baggins... Baggins...

[We see Pippin at the bar talking to a bunch of men.]

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins. He's over there. [Points] Frodo Baggins. He's my second cousin once removed on his mother's side and my third cousin, twice removed...

Frodo: Pippin!

[Frodo grabs him, causing him to spill some of his drink.]

Pippin: Steady on Frodo! You spilt my beer! I demand you buy me another!

[Frodo trips over the foot of one of the men and falls over backwards. As he hits the ground, the Disk goes flying, as it falls back down it lands on his nose, causing him to disappear.]

(Comment: Why this happens in unknown so don't ask me...)

[Anyway, The Black Riders are seen coming closer to the inn: they are drawn to its power.]

Comment: The disk's power that is, not the inn's, the inn has no power what-so-fucking-ever...>

[Frodo sees the world in darkness when he puts on the Disk on his nose. There are many shadows, and he hears a voice.]

Voice of Disk: [Sing-song voice]: Yoooooooou can-not hiiiiiide. I seeeeeeeeeee yooooooou. There's no liiiiiife in the voooooooooid. Only deeeeeeeeeath.

[The Eye of Sauron is seen doing some odd sort of song and dance routine. Various random characters boo, hiss, jeer and generally hurl things at it until it shuts up and the scene ends.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ Strider ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Frodo sees a great red eye, and pulls the Disk off his nose.]

(Comment: Yes, that does make it sound like it was stuck, maybe it was, I don't know, I wasn't there at the time...)

[Just as he is recovering...]

(Comment: "From what?!" I hear you scream. That awful musical act, obviously... Is it possible to get hyper on tea? Meh...)

[...he finds a hand on his shoulder. The man, Strider...]

(Comment: Who will be referred to as Aragorn because, oddly enough, that's who he is.)

[...pulls him up the stairs into his room.]

(Comment: *nudge nudge* *wink wink*)

Aragorn: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill.

Frodo: What do you want?

Aragorn: Heh... Er... [Looks blank for a moment, remembers] A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry.

Frodo: I carry nothing.

Aragorn: Indeed. I can avoid being seen if I wish. But to disappear entirely. That is a rare gift.

[He pinches the candles in the room to put them out, but he inadvertently burns his fingers.]

Aragorn: Ah shit!

[He then gets his pitcher of beer that he brought up and put them out with that and then takes off his hood.]

Aragorn: Better like this I think...

Frodo: Who are you?

Aragorn: Are you frightened?

Frodo: Yes.

Aragorn: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you...

[The door is opened, and Aragorn (Strider) (Comment: I didn't put those brackets in) draws his sword. Merry, Pippin, and Sam are seen standing in the doorway. Sam has his fists held forward.]

Sam: Frodo! [To Aragorn] Let him go, or I'll have you, Longshanks!

Aragorn: Ooooh kinky!

Frodo: Oh Sam!

Sam: Oh, Mr Frodo! I'm coming Mr Frodo!

Aragorn: What is it with you Hobbits? You're all in-bred... Oh, wait, that's not my line... [We hear muttering off camera] Ah-ha! [Cough] You have a stout heart, little Hobbit. [Puts his sword away] (Comment: Thank god...) But that will not save you. You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo. They're coming.

Frodo: What?! All of them?!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ Weathertop ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene switches to the Black Riders. The gatekeeper hears them coming to the gate and walks towards it. The Black riders knock down the gate (Comment: Yes, the gatekeeper was behind it and so is squished, fun eh?) and enter Bree. The scene switches back to the Hobbits, who are sleeping. Then we see the Black Riders approach, and enter the Hobbit rooms. (Comment: A-hem...) There is a rider standing over each bed, and in unison, they thrust their swords into them. (Comment: Sorry but my mind can't cope with this... >.<) They do this several times, (Comment: AAAAARGH), but when they take the blankets off, (Comment: I really do hate my mind...) they find that there was no one sleeping in the beds. (Comment: Ha ha, stupid riders, heh heh heh.) They turn over the beds, (Comment: Temper temper) and ride off. The scene switches back to Aragorn (Strider) (Comment: Didn't do it again), who is sitting by the window with the Hobbits, who have awoken. (Comment: Yes, he has them in his room...... o.O ....kinky...)]

Frodo: What are they?

Aragorn: What? Oh, *them*... They were once Men. Great kings of Men. Then Sauron the Deceiver gave to them nine lap-top computers. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question. One by one, falling to darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Nazgûl. Ringwraiths. Neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the Post. Drawn to the Power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.

Frodo: Bugger...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The next day, Aragorn (Strider) (Comment: *wonders why script she is working from keeps putting Strider in brackets as though we're all idiots*) is seen leading a pony (Comment: But not just any old pony, Bill the Pony, Lord of all Horses, no no that's wrong, too early with that line, forget that I said anything...) into the countryside, with the Hobbits following him.]

Frodo: Where are you taking us?

Aragorn: Into the Wild.

Pippin: Duh...

Merry: How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf?

Frodo: We have no choice but to trust him.

Sam: But where is he leading us?

Aragorn: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee, to the House of Elrond.

Sam: Did you hear that? Rivendell. We're going to see the Elves.

Frodo: That can't be the only reason we're going... Why *are* we going to Rivendell?

Aragorn: Oh, we're going to have that Post you're carrying put onto one of those pretty ring things you can store information on so that we can make ring jokes.

Frodo: Oh, okay.

[They walk on for some time. At one point, Aragorn (Strider) (Comment: Argh, there is goes again! I'm taking it out next time...) hears the Hobbits whispering behind him, and realises that they have stopped.]

Aragorn: Gentlemen. We do not stop till nightfall.

Pippin: What about breakfast?

Aragorn: You've already *had* breakfast.

Pippin: We've had *one*, yes. What about *second* breakfast?

[Aragorn sighs and turns around, walking off.]

Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.

Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?

Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

[Aragorn throws an apple back, and Merry catches it. He hands it to Pippin, pats him on the back. Then Aragorn throws another apple, which hits Pippin on the head. Pippin looks up, and around him, bewildered.]

Merry: Pippin...!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[In Isengard Saruman is using his computer (aka Palantír). He is on MSN Messenger. We see a conversation between him and Sauron, with voice-over for those who can't read or just can't be arsed to...]

Saruman: The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Net.

Sauron: Build me an army worthy of TORc.

Saruman: Umm.. Are you sure that's wise?

Sauron: Er... Yeah, yeah I am.

Saruman: Okay then. When do you need it for? I mean, do I have to go out and start them off now or can I have a cup of tea first?

Sauron: Go now, I think. That would best... If it's not too much trouble...

Saruman: Oh, no, not at all. I'll be off then.

[We see Saruman change his display name to "Saruman: Trying to get some odd creatures to fuck, ask Sauron for details" and set himself to "away". The scene switches to a room in Saruman's tower.]

Orc 1: What orders from TORc, my lord?

Orc 2: What does the Eye command?

Saruman: We have work to do... And it won't be pleasant.

[Saruman turns his over-sized nose up and sniffs.]

Orc 1: [Muttering to Orc 2]: That means we're gonna have to do all the work, you know.

Orc 2: Uh huh.

[The Orcs outside Isengard are uprooting all the trees. We see Gandalf on top of the tower of Isengard lying on his stomach watching them over the side. Then we see the Orcs working down below ground level after some nice camera work that makes it look like we're on a vertical rollercoaster of sorts.]

(Comment: There obviously isn't one or Gandalf would be messing around on it.)

Orc 1: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.

Saruman: Rip them all down.

Orc 2: Aww, but they're pretty!

Orc 1: Shurrup.

[Once again, we see Gandalf at the top of the tower of Isengard. It is raining, and there is no shelter. A message appears in the corner of the screen that reads "Everyone say "awww!"".]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene goes back to Aragorn (Comment: *removes the bit in brackets*) and the Hobbits.]

Aragorn: This was the great watchtower of Amon Sûl. We shall rest here tonight.

[The Hobbits settle down in a corner. Aragorn takes out four short swords, and passes one to each Hobbit.]

Aragorn: These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to have a look around. Stay here. [Points]

[Some time later, when it is dark, Frodo wakes up suddenly. Merry, Pippin, and Sam are cooking something around a fire.]

Merry: My tomato's burst.

Pippin: Could I have some bacon?

Merry: Ok. Want a tomato, Sam?

[Frodo gets up, and walks over to his friends.]

Frodo: [Urgently]: What are you making?

Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon.

Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Mmmmmmmm...

Aragorn: (Off-screen): What is it with you hobbits?!

Frodo: Oh, yeah, right...

[Stamps onto the fire, putting it out with his bare feet.]

Frodo: Put it out, you fools! Put it out!

Pippin: Oh, that's nice! Ash on my tomatoes!

[The cry of the Nazgûl is heard. The Hobbits draw their swords, and see the Nazgûl encircling Amon Sûl. Frodo gestures madly for the others to go up to the top of the watchtower.]

Frodo: Gooooo!!!

[The Nazgûl follow the Hobbits to the top, and face them.]

Sam: Back you devils!!!

Nazgûl 1: Charming! Boys... [Looks round at other Nazgûl] POKE THEM! Muahahahaha!

[Hobbits look bewildered.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ The Flight to the Ford ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Nazgûl draw their swords and poke Merry, Pippin and Sam out of the way. Frodo falls over backwards (for no reason at all). The Nazgûl stand over him with their swords and Frodo balances the Disk on his nose. He sees the faces of the riders in bright light. The Witch-King steps forward, and speaks to Frodo in the Black Language. Horrified, Frodo pulls his face (with the Disk still on his nose), away from the Witch-King, who then stabs Frodo in the shoulder.]

Nazgûl 2: Ford? Ford who? Who's this Ford fellow?!

Nazgûl 3: Shut up! Just get on with the scene!

Nazgûl 2: Oh, okay! It says here now Frodo says-

Frodo: [Cutting across Nazgûl 2]: Ahhhh!

Aragorn: Ahhhh!

Everyone else: Why're we "Ahhhh!"ing all of a sudden?

[Aragorn appears behind the Witch-King, with a torch in one hand, and a sword in the other. He takes on the Nazgûl. Frodo takes the Disk off his nose.]

Sam: Frodo!

[Sam runs over to Frodo and holds his hand.]

Frodo: Oh, Sam.

[They gaze lovingly into each others eyes, the other two Hobbits mimic vomiting. Meanwhile... Aragorn manages to set the Nazgûl alight and they flee from the watchtower. We see Sam, Merry, and Pippin crowded around Frodo.]

Sam: Strider! Help him, Strider!

Aragorn: [Muttering, mocking]: "Do this, Strider! Do that, Strider! Save him, Strider! Kill the nasty cloaked guys, Strider!" Hobbits... [Talking normally] He has been stabbed by a Morgul blade.

[Aragorn looks round at the Hobbits hoping they know what this means but they look back blankly.]

Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine.

[He picks Frodo up and chucks him over his shoulder, they head off into the night.]

Frodo: Oof.

Sam: Oi! Where're you taking Mr. Frodo?

Aragorn: Hurry!

Sam: We're 6 days from Rivendell! He'll never make it!

Aragorn: Oh that's right Sam, look on the bright side why don't you?! ... Hold on, Frodo.

Frodo: Gandalf!!!

Hobbits: [In unison]: GANDALF?!

Gandalf: Hello there!

Aragorn: What the hell are you doing here?

Gandalf: There is only one Lord of the Disk... No wait... Oh shit! Wrong scene!

[A ringwraith screams.]

Sam: They're close!

Gandalf: Ah! I've got an idea! Fly you fools!

[A few seconds pass.]

Gandalf: Oh right, a distinct lack of wings... Right off to next scene!

[Gandalf dissappears.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[We see shots of the caverns of Isengard. A moth flies up to the tower of Isengard, where Gandalf is imprisoned.]

(Comment: Oh yes, "imprisoned", "imprisoned" somewhere with no walls or roof...)

[Gandalf catches the moth in his hand, and begins to speak to it in Elvish.]

Gandalf: [Something in Elvish to moth, then...] Fetch Gwaihir, fetch Gwaihir... Go...

[We see Orcs cutting down trees near Isengard, then more footage in the caverns of Isengard. Saruman watches, as an Uruk-hai comes out from mud.]

(Comment: Ew... >.<)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Aragorn and the Hobbits have stopped walking.]

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Er, Strider... He's going cold... Is this good?

Pippin: [Excitedly]: Ooh! Is he going to die?

Aragorn: No... He's passing into the Shadow World. (Comment: Shadow has a world? What a terrifying prospect.) He'll soon become a Wraith like them.

[The cry of the Nazgûl is heard.]

Merry: They're close!

Aragorn: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

Sam: Athelas? What the...

[Aragorn cuts him off mid-sentence.]

Aragorn: Kingsfoil!

Sam: Kingsfoil, aye, it's weed isn't it?

Gandalf (Voice-Over): Druggies!

Aragorn: What the...? Never mind. It may help to slow the poisoning. Hurry!

[He gives Sam a torch, and then goes off to look for weed. He finds some, and takes out a knife to cut it, but finds a blade at his throat.]

Arwen: What's this? A Ranger, caught off his guard? Caught off his guard while harvesting weed, even!

[Aragorn sticks his tongue out at her.]

Aragorn: Bitch!

[Arwen and Aragorn are somehow magically back with the Hobbits (including Sam), Arwen is just dismounting her horse.]

Arwen: Frodo... Im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad.

Translator thing hovering around her head: Hello Frodo! Help me! I seem to have eaten a large lamp! Look! I'm glowing!

Merry: Who is she?

Arwen: Frodo!

Sam: She's an Elf.

Merry: Oooh!

Arwen: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father.

Aragorn: I said that a while back you know...

Arwen: I've been looking for you for two days, how'm I supposed to know what you've said and what you haven't?

Aragorn: Good point, love.

[They pick Frodo up and start to walk off with him.]

Sam: Where are you taking him?!

Arwen: There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are I do not know.

Aragorn: Dartho guin Berian. Rych le ad tolthathon.

Hovering Translator Thing: You stay with the hobbits! That Pippin's really pissing me off!

Arwen: Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im.

Hovering Translator Thing: How could you do that to me?! I can't stand him!

Aragorn: Andelu i ven.

Hovering Translator Thing: But! The road is dangerous! There are lots of, erm, pot-holes and things!

Pippin: What are they saying?

Merry: Listen to the translator, dumbass.

Pippin: Ohhh...

Arwen: Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hir, tur gwaith nîn beriatha hon.

Hovering Translator Thing: To be honest! I'd rather go with Frodo! I fancy him more than I do you anyway. At least he washes his hair!

Arwen: I do not fear them.

Aragorn: Be iest lîn.

Hovering Translator Thing: Fuck off then!

Aragorn: Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back!

Arwen: What?? Now?!?

Aragorn: How about it?

Arwen: Shit, I'm outta here!

[Arwen gets onto (Comment: Or mounts... This script's weird.) Asfaloth, balancing Frodo infront of her.]

Arwen: Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!

[Asfaloth fails to move.]

Arwen: I said "Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!" [Prods horse]

Hovering Translator Thing: Ride fast, Asfaloth, ride fast.

Arwen: [To Tranlator Thingy]: Oh, fuck off!

[Arwen rides off with Frodo. Hovering Translator Thing is flung into the trees by something unseen.]

Sam: What the fuck are you doing?! Those Wraiths are still out there!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Arwen is chased by eight riders, one reaches out for Frodo.]

Arwen: Noro lim, Asfaloth!

[She reaches the river and crosses it. The Riders stop on the other side.]

Nazgûl: [Hisses]: Give up the Halfling, She-Elf!

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him.

[She draws her sword (Comment: Hmm, pretty sword it is too.) as the Riders start to cross the river.]

Arwen: [Quietly]: Oh shit... Erm... [Louder] Nîn o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer!

[Squeaky-Voiced Hovering Translator Dude reappears from nowhere. Arwen sighs, as do the Nazgûl.]

Hovering Translator Thing: Waters of the Misty Mountains listen to the great word, flow waters of Loudwater against the Ringwraiths!

Arwen: You know, I swear that isn't my line... Or my scene for that matter... Oh well!

[The water rises from the river, washing the riders away. Frodo becomes fainter, and makes strange noises.]

(Comment: LMAO ... Sorry, just struck me as funny...)

Arwen: No! No! Frodo, no! Frodo, don't give in! Not now! [Whispers] What grace has given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Elrond: [Standing over Frodo]: Lasto beth nîn. Tolo dan na ngalad.

Hovering Translator Dude Thingy: Help! My head seems to be floating! Someone find my body!

[Elrond back-hands it and it goes flying out of the nearest window.]

Voice (Off-Screen): OUCH! [Pause] Has anyone seen this guys head?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ Many Meetings ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Frodo: Where am I?

Gandalf: You are in the house of Elrond, and it is 10 o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know.

Frodo: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes, I'm here.

[Frodo tries to interrupt but Gandalf carries on talking.]

Gandalf: And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours, and you would have been beyond our aid. But you had some strength in you, my dear Hobbit.

Frodo: Yes, that's all very well... but why're you in my room, you pervy old wizard?!

Gandalf: [Taken aback]: Umm...

Frodo: Never mind... What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?

Gandalf: Oh, I'm sorry Frodo. I was delayed.

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

**Note: Both Gandalf and Saruman have been replaced with american actors for this scene.**

Saruman: Get up! So much for the power of Gandalf the Grey! ... What the hell are you doing now?! Every time I come up here it's always the matches and you! You sitting there arranging the fucking matches!

Gandalf: You don't talk to me that way! You don't talk to me that way!

Saruman: Oh yeah!

[Saruman uses his staff to throw Gandalf across roof.]

Gandalf: You fucked my wife? You fucked my wife? You fucked my wife? You fucked my wife?

Saruman: I AM your wife!

Gandalf: I say again! You fucked my wife?

Saruman: Yeah I'm your wife! And I fucked her!

Gandalf: What?! I'll kill you, mother fucker, dieee! Oh shit, ledge!

[Gandalf falls off top of tower, Gwaihir catches Gandalf flys off.]

Gwaihir: And you call yourself a storm-crow...

[Gwaihir flies off over the mountains with Gandalf.]

[-^-^-^-^End flashback^-^-^-^-]

Frodo: Gandalf? What is it? Bad date?

[Frodo grins to himself.]

Gandalf: What? Oh, nothing, Frodo, nothing.

Sam: Frodo! Frodo!

Frodo: Oh Sam!

Sam: Bless you, you're awake!

Frodo: But I didn't sneeze...

Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side.

Sam: We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins. [Voice becomes sinister] We've missed you...

[Frodo exchanges a worried glance with Sam.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Frodo walks around Rivendell with Sam, and meets Merry and Pippin. He embraces them. (Comment: *nudge nudge*) Then Frodo sees Bilbo, who is reading a book.]

(Comment: Wow! Another one who can read!)

Frodo: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!

Frodo: Oh Bilbo! [Reads (Comment: Ooh! Another one!)] There and back again, A Hobbit's tale, by Bilbo Baggins. This is wonderful.

Bilbo: What? Oh, yes... Yes... I meant to go back. Wander at the power of Mirkwood. Visit Lake-town. See the Lonely Mountain again. But age, it seems has finally caught up with me.

[Frodo flips through the book and comes to a map of The Shire.]

(Comment: Oh, so he *is* still in love with it...)

Frodo: I miss the Shire. I spent all my childhood pretending I was off somewhere else. Off with you on one of your adventures. But my own adventure turned out to be quite different. I'm not like you, Bilbo.

Bilbo: My dear boy.

[Bilbo tries to hug Frodo.]

Frodo: Ew, gerrof!

Bilbo: What??

Frodo: You're kinda squishy, it's horrible!

[This continues as scene fades out.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sam: Now, what have I forgotten?

Frodo: Packed already?

Sam: No 'arm in being prepared.

Frodo: Thought you wanted to see the Elves, Sam.

Sam: I do.

Frodo: More than anything.

Sam: I did... It's just... We did what Gandalf wanted, didn't we?

Frodo: Did we?

Sam: Yes! We got the Post this far to Rivendell. And I thought, seeing as how you're on the mend, we'd be off soon. Off home.

Frodo: Oh yeah. You're right, Sam. We did what we set out to do. The Post will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to go home.

Sam: With me?

Frodo: I thought you and Rosie were...

[Sam rakes leaves with his foot.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Elrond: His strength returns.

Gandalf: That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it the rest of his life. You made a fucking bad job of bits of tha... [Trails off] ...I mean, they made a fucking mess of his shoulder with that blade. Nasty poke it was...

Elrond: And yet, to have come so far, still bearing the Post, the Hobbity-Thing has showed extraordinary resilience to its evil.

Gandalf: It is a burden he should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Frodo.

Elrond: [Mutters]: Heh, latest wizard's pet... [Louder] Gandalf, the enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are massing in the East, in TORc. His eye is fixed on Rivendell. And Saruman, you tell me, has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin. We're never going to win this game of RISK!, Gandalf! Our team's fucked!

Gandalf: His treachery runs deeper than you know. Not only as he messed up our game - which, incidently, I wasn't referring to - but by some foul craft Saruman has managed to get orcs to mate with goblin-men. Quite a horrifying thought if you ask me. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Isengard. An army which can move in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Post.

Elrond: This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the Elves. We do not have the strength to fight both TORc and Isengard!

Gandalf: You're not talking about that game again are you?

Elrond: Yeah, but the same applies either way, we don't have the strength.

[Gandalf wanders off to look over the balcony.]

Elrond: Gandalf. The Post cannot stay here.

[Boromir arrives, then Legolas and other Elves, then Gimli and other Dwarves.]

Elrond: This peril belongs to all Middle-internet. They [Points over balcony] must decide now how to end it.

Gandalf: [Looking over side]: Them?! Oh bugger...

Elrond: The time of the Elves is over. My people are leaving these shores. Who will you look to when we've gone? The Dwarves? They hide in their mountains seeking riches. They care nothing for the troubles of others.

Gandalf: It is in Men that we must place our hope.

Elrond: Men? [Snort] Men are weak. The race of Men is failing. The blood of Numenor is all but spent. Its pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of Men the Post survived. I was there, Gandalf. I was there three thousand years ago...

[We see a flashback shot, where Isildur meeps the Disk from Sauron's hand.]

Elrond: ...And Isildur took the Disk. I was there the day the strength of men failed.

[-^-^-^-^Flashback^-^-^-^-]

Elrond: Isildur! Hurry. Follow me.

Elrond (Voice-Over): I led Isildur into the heart of Mount Doom. Where the Post was forged. The one place it could be destroyed.

Elrond: Isildur! Cast it into the fire! Destroy it!

Isildur: Okay then!

[Moves to throw in Disk.]

Isildur: Haha! Had you for a second there!

Elrond: Isildur! I mean it!

Isildur: I'm buggering off! Bye!

[Isildur turns and leaves.]

Elrond: Isildur!!!

[-^-^-^-^End flashback^-^-^-^-]

Elrond: It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. Isildur kept the Disk. The line of Kings is broken. There's no strength left in the world of Men. They're scattered, divided, leaderless.

Gandalf: There is one who could unite them. One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor.

Elrond: He turned from that path a long time ago. He has chosen... [Dramatic pause] ....exile...

(Comment: That was worth waiting for, wasn't it? *rolls eyes*)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Boromir: The Shards of Narsil. The that blade got stood on the day that Isildur meeped the Disk from Sauron's hand.

[He fingers the blade...]

(Comment: Eek!)

[...and cuts his finger.]

(Comment: Haha, that'll teach you to do disturbing things to swords...)

Boromir: It's still sharp...

[Sees Aragorn watching him.]

(Comment: Pervert!)

Boromir: ...But no more than a broken heirloom.

[He puts the sword back in its place and walks off. As he walks off, the sword falls, but he does not pick it up.]

(Comment: That's right, leave it on the floor...)

[Aragorn picks up sword, and places it back in its place. He stands in front of the sword for a while. Arwen creeps up behind him.]

Arwen: Why do you fear the past?

Aragorn: Bloody hell! Arwen! You scared the shit outta me!

Arwen: Sorry...

[Aragorn goes back to staring at the sword.]

Arwen: You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.

Aragorn: The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.

Arwen: Your time will come. You will face the same evil and you will defeat it. A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor, Aragorn. Ú or le a ú or nin.

[Translator thingy reappears, they both sigh.]

Translator Thing: Shadow does not hold sway yet. Not over you, not over me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Aragorn and Arwen stand talking, on a bridge, in the grounds of Rivendell.]

Arwen: Renich i lú i erui govannen?

Translator Thing: Do you think Frodo fancies me?

Aragorn: Nauthannen i ned ôl reniannen.

Translator Thing: He thought he strayed into a dream.

Arwen: Gwenwin in enninath. Ú-'arnech in naeth i si celich. Renech i beth i pennen?

Translator Thing: I bet he did, did you like my trick with the lightbulb? I thought they were impressed...

Arwen: [Whispers]: Is that thing annoying you?

[Aragorn nods.]

Aragorn: Anyway, you can't like him! You said you'd bind yourself to me! Forsaking the immortal life of your people.

Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you, than face all the Ages of this world with Frodo.

[She gives him her necklace, the Evenstar, a symbol of her love.]

Arwen: I choose to make him jealous.

Aragorn: You cannot commit this.

Arwen: It is mine to make jealous whom I will. Like my hear... like... er... yes!

[They shoot the Translator Thing, which is hovering around watching them, then kiss.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ The Council of Elrond ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Aragorn and Gandalf are seen whispering urgently somewhere in Rivendell.]

Aragorn: Gandalf! Elrond's found a way to copy himself!

Gandalf: So now there's more than one of him?

Aragorn: A lot more!

[Gandalf screams and the scene fades away. We can now see that Gandalf is actually alone and had fallen asleep.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene switches to another part of Rivendell where Elrond is standing. An Elf brings in Gollum. Elrond takes Gollum to a ledge over looking Rivendell.]

Elrond: So many Elves just living out their lives, oblivious.

Did you know that the first Rivendell was designed to be a perfect elvish world. Where none suffered. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the decor.

There was a large problem of cost. Some believed that we lacked the architectural skill to design your perfect building. But I believe that as a species, Elves define their reality through hairstyles and bad poetry.

The perfect building was a dream that your bad taste kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Rivendell was redesigned to this, the peak of Elvish bad taste.

I say your civilization because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our civilization which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Gollum, evolution, like the Balrogs who had wings. Look over that balcony. You had your time, you had five in fact. You and your Hobbits with your silly little Hobbit Holes. The future is our architecture, Gollum. The future is our time.

[Elrond pauses for a moment to put on a pair on sunglasses and then continues.]

Elrond: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realised that you're not actually a Hobbit. Every Hobbit in Middle-earth instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you Gollum do not. You move to an area and you steal fish and steal them until every fish in the area is consumed.

The only way you can survive is to move to another area. There is another organism in Middle-earth that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. You Gollum are a disease, a killer of fish on this Middle-earth. You are a plague, and we are the cure.

[Gollum looks over balcony, apparently ignoring Elrond.]

Elrond: Can you hear me, Gollum? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this Middle-earth, this internet, this zoo, this prison, this fissssssh, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if you have such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it. It's repulsive, isn't it? I must get out of here.

I must get free from Middle-earth, and in this mind is the key, my key. Once Sauron is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I need to know the way into TORc. I have to get inside Mount Doom, and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell me or you're going to die.

[Gollum looks singularly unimpressed by this.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene switches to a room full of computers and sophisticated looking equipment. In this room are Frodo and Gandalf along with a random elf. The elf is busily transferring the information off the Post Disk and onto a Ring.]

Gandalf: This sound throw them off the scent a little, Frodo.

[Frodo looks unconvinced.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The scene switches again, this time to a part of Rivendell where Dwarves, Elves and Men, are sitting in a semicircle.]

Elrond: Strangers from distant message boards, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of TORc. Middle-internet stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Disk, erm, your Ring, Frodo.

[Frodo places the Ring onto an odd, tall, three-legged stool.]

Boromir: So it is true.

Unknown: The doom of man.

Boromir: It is a gift!

Unknown: What?

Boromir: A gift to the foes of TORc! [He stands up so as to appear more important] Why not use this Post? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor...

[A random person can be seen mocking Boromir form behind him.]

Boromir: ...kept the forces of TORc at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!

Aragorn: You cannot submit it. None of us can. The One Post answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.

Boromir: And what would a Ranger know of this matter?

Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.

Boromir: I imagined that he'd be taller.

Aragorn: Havo dad, Legolas.

[Translator Thing reappears from somewhere.]

Translator Thing: Have a bath, Legolas. You stupid elf.

[Aragorn mutters about bad translations. Legolas looks confused and sits down.]

Boromir: Gondor has no king. [Turns nose up] Gondor *needs* no king.

Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot submit it.

Elrond: You have only one choice. The Post must be destroyed.

Gandalf: Aww! Elrond you're such a spoil sport!

Legolas: Why didn't you tell us before Boromir went off on his ego trip?

Gimli: What are we waiting for?!

[Gimli tries to smash the Ring with his axe, but breaks the axe. He is thrown backwards, onto the ground.]

Elrond: The Post cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Glóin, by any craft that we here possess. The Post was written using the machines of Mount Doom. Only there can it be erased. It must be taken deep into TORc and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.

[We hear the voice of the Post, speaking in the Black Language. Everyone gives it a shifty look.]

Elrond: One of you must do this.

Boromir: One does not simply walk into TORc. I think you have to register. And besides, its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there and it does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever-watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air that you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Post must be destroyed!

Gimli: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!

Boromir: And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Post in the hands of an Elf!

[All the Elves stand up, then the Dwarves, then everyone except Frodo (who's sensibly being lazy).]

Gimli: Never trust an Elf!

(Comment: Ever noticed that he spits when he says "Elf" in the film? It's revolting.)

Gandalf: Do you not understand, you morons? While you bicker amongst yourselves, Sauron's power grows! None can escape it! You'll all be destroyed!

[Frodo hears the voice of the Post, speaking in the Black language.]

Voice of Post: Ash nazg durbatuluk, Ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatuluk, Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

Translator Thing: One Post to rule them all, One Post to find them, One Post to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Frodo: I will take it! I will take it!

[Everyone else stops to listen to him.]

Frodo: I will take the Post back to TORc... Though... [Cough] Though I do not know the URL.

Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins. As long as it is yours to bear.

[Gandalf goes to stand next to Frodo, putting his hand on his shoulder.]

Aragorn: If by my life or death, if I can protect you, I will.

[Aragorn gets up from his seat, and kneels beside Frodo.]

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Frodo: *Now* we're talking!

[Gandalf winks at Elrond.]

Legolas: And you have my bow.

[Legolas also stands beside Frodo.]

Frodo: Really? You too?

Gimli: And my axe.

[Gimli stands beside Legolas.]

Legolas: [Thinking]: Oh Eru no, not the dwarf! He smells!

Frodo: Weyhey! Foursome!

[Boromir walks slowly towards Frodo.]

Boromir: You carry the fate of us all, little one.

Frodo: Hey! I've got it where it counts!

[Aragorn places his hand on Frodo's shoulder. Frodo sticks his tongue out at Boromir.]

Boromir: If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done.

Sam: Hey!

[Sam jumps up from behind some bushes where he has been hiding behind and runs up from behind them, causing Aragorn to lift his hand off Frodo's shoulder to let him come through.]

Sam: Frodo's not coming anywhere without me!

Elrond: Indeed it is hardly possible to seperate you, even when he is invited to a secret brothel and you are not!

[The camera moves to Merry and Pippin, who are standing in the entrance.]

Merry: Hey! We're coming too!

[Merry and Pippin leave the door, and run towards Frodo.]

Pippin: You'll have to tie us in a sack to stop us!

Frodo: Oooh! Kinky!

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission... Quest... Thing...

Merry: It's not an RP... And that rules you out either way, Pip.

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it! We shall be the fellowship of Frodo's Ring!

Pippin: Great! Where are we going?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ The Ring Goes South ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[We see shots near the entrance of Rivendell, where Bill the pony is standing ready, next to a few others. Then we see Bilbo and Frodo together in a room. (Comment: Oooh! What's going on here, eh?) Bilbo takes out a sword from its cloth wrappings. (Comment: o.O)]

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it. Take it.

[Frodo takes it.]

Frodo: It's so light!

Bilbo: Yes, yes... Made by the Elves, you know? The blade glows blue when orcs are close. And it's times like that, my lad, when you have to be extra careful.

[Frodo looks at Bilbo with a vaguely alarmed expression, possibly at the innuendo of the whole sword-speech.]

Bilbo: Here's a pretty thing. Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragons scales. Let me see you put it on. Come on...

Voice (Off-Screen): Pervert!

[Frodo glances off set and begins to unbutton his shirt. Bilbo sees the Ring hanging from a chain around Frodo's neck.]

Bilbo: Oh - M-my old ring! Ohh! I sh-should very much like - to hold it again, one last time.

Frodo: Erm... What?

[Frodo begins to button up his shirt again.]

Bilbo: My ring!

[Bilbo, transformed by the Ring, makes a grab towards Frodo, his eyes bulging out.]

Frodo: You sick bastard!

[Frodo backs away.]

[Bilbo, now once again as normal as he ever gets, backs away, and sinks into a chair, with his back to us. He sits, there, weeping.]

Bilbo: I'm sorry I brought this upon you, my boy... I'm sorry that you must carry this burden... I'm sorry for everything!

[Frodo places his hand reassuringly onto Bilbo's shoulder, and Bilbo, in a sudden movement, places his hand onto Frodo's. Frodo tries to pull away but can't so stands looking uncomfortable.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Fellowship departs from Rivendell. The next scene shows the Fellowship travelling together. Gandalf begins to walk in step and the others join in rhythm. We hear their footsteps: step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step...]

Gandalf: I've got a luverly bunch of coconuts!

Aragorn: De-de-le-dee-dee.

Gandalf: They are a-standing in a roooowwwwwww.

Gimli: Bom-ba-bom-ba-bom!

Boromir: Big ones, small ones! Some as big as your head!

Gandalf: Sometime when I think of them, I... What? OH SHIT! A ledge!

Frodo: Gandalf!

[Gandalf flys back up and joins the rest of the Fellowship.]

Gandalf: I can fly you fools!

[The camera zooms out and we see the Fellowship from a distance once again.]

Gandalf (Voice-Over): We must hold to this course, west from the Misty Mountains for 40 days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From there our road turns east to TORc.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[We see the Fellowship stopped to have lunch. Sam helps himself to sausages, while Boromir teaches Merry and Pippin swordplay.]

(Comment: Yes... "Sword-play"... Of course...)

Boromir: Two, one, five. Good! Very good.

Aragorn: [While smoking]: Move your feet.

Merry: You look good, Pippin.

Pippin: Thanks.

Boromir: Faster!

Merry and Pippin: Patience!

[Camera moves away to show Gandalf and Gimli before the pervy Hobbit fanciers get carried away.]

Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I hope they're not because my opinion suck, I'd say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf! We could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.

Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice... Balin smells anyway.

Gimli: Aye, true enough, he does. Stinky little fellow but a great host!

[Legolas notices something in the distance. Camera moves back to the Pervy Hobit Fanciers Meeting. Boromir is now fighting with Pippin. He hits him.]

Pippin: Ahhh.

Boromir: Sorry! I didn't mean it! You're adorable, Merry!

Pippin: Get him!

Merry: Arr, ow... For the Shire!

Pippin: Hold him. Hold him down, Merry!

[Aragorn raises his eyebrows and grins.]

Merry: You've got my arm! You've got my arm!

[Camera moves away again.]

Sam: What is that?

Gimli: Just some human fetish...

[Sam elbows him and points to the sky.]

Gimli: Oh, that! Nothing. It's just a wisp of cloud.

Boromir: It's moving fast. Against the wind.

Legolas: Crebain from Duneland!

Aragorn: HIDE!

Boromir: Merry!

Merry: Not now!

Aragorn: Frodo! Hurry! Take cover!

[Sam puts out the fire, taking the pan of sausages with him, while Frodo, Aragorn, and the others take their cloaks and other belongings, and hide behind the rocks. The Crebain come through the area, exploring it thoroughly, as though they know they are there.]

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Fellowship are seen walking up the steep and snowy mountains. Frodo falls, tumbling down a small snowy slope.]

Aragorn: Frodo!

[He helps him up, and places his hands on his shoulders, while Frodo brushes the snow off his clothes. He then searches for the Ring, to find he has dropped it. Boromir picks it up by the chain. Aragorn slowly takes his hands from Frodo's shoulders, putting them onto the hilt of his sword.]

(Comment: Argh! My mind can't cope with this at 9am!)

Aragorn: Boromir...

Boromir: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.

[Holding the chain of the Ring in his right hand, he moves his left towards the Ring itself. Frodo looks offended and a little worried.]

Aragorn: Boromir! Give Frodo his Ring back!

[Boromir walks slowly towards Aragorn and Frodo.]

Boromir: As you wish.

[He holds out the Ring. Frodo grabs it.]

Boromir: I care not.

[Boromir laughs and ruffles Frodo's hair before he walks off. Aragorn takes his hand off the hilt of his sword.]

Frodo: [Mutters]: Don't ruffle the Ring-bearer...

[Aragorn smiles to himself.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The birds seen in the previous scene make their way to Isengard, where Saruman is.]

Saruman: So Gandalf, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails, where then will you go?

[We see the Fellowship once more, caught in a heavy snow storm.]

Saruman (Voice-Over): If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road?

[We see Legolas who walks slightly ahead of the others, easily walking *on* the snow, but behind him, Gandalf and the others and finding it difficult to walk *through* the snow. Aragorn and Boromir are holding two Hobbits each, and it seems that without their help, the Hobbits would be blown off the mountain. (Comment: Muahaha!) Then we hear a voice, though we cannot make out the words.]

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air.

Gandalf: It's Saruman!

[Boulders fall around them.]

Gandalf: He's trying to get us all stoned!

[Legolas snorts.]

Gandalf: Not that kind of stoned, you odd hippy elf.

Aragorn: He's trying to bring down the mountain, you idiot! Gandalf, we must turn back!

Gandalf: [To Aragorn] No!! [To Mountain] Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith!

[Hovering Translater Thing appears again, blown about by the wind.]

Translator Thing: Sleep Caradhras, be still, lie still, hold your wrath. Have a nice cup of hot chocolate and read for a bit.

[Saruman is seen standing on the pinnacle of Orthanc, with his arms outstretched, and his staff in his right hand.]

Saruman: Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar!

[Translator Thing is suddenly over here now.]

(Comment: There really is *no* escaping it.)

Translator Thing: Wake up cruel Redhorn! May your blood-stained horn shall fall upon the enemy-heads.

[A bolt of lightning hits the mountain, bringing down snow and rocks. The Fellowship are buried beneath the snow, but, with some difficulty, manage to get themselves out of it.]

Boromir: We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan! Or take the west road to my city!

Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard, fool!

Gimli: We cannot pass over a mountain. Let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria!

Legolas: You and your mines... I never will understand Dwarves.

[Gandalf looks disturbed at the mention of Moria.]

Saruman (Voice-Over): Moria. You fear to go into those mines. The Dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke there in the darkness of Khazad-dûm: Shadow and flame.

(Comment: Who's Flame??)

Gandalf: Let the Ring-bearer decide... Frodo?

[There is a moment of mad gesturing and face-pulling between Frodo and Gandalf, mostly from Gandalf. It ends with Frodo looking confused and sighing.]

Frodo: [Mutters]: Fuck this... [Louder] We will go through the mines.

[Gandalf sighs.]

Gandalf: So be it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~ A Journey in the Dark ~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[The Fellowship come to a dark, slimy place, and we see a stone wall.]

Gimli: The walls of Moria.

Legolas: There you go again! Honestly, sometimes I think you find walls sexier than me.

Gimli: Who says you're sexy?

Legolas: I do!

Gimli: ...Fine...

Gandalf: Well, let's see... Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.

[The clouds covering the moon drift away, and a door is revealed.]

Gandalf: It reads: "Welcome to Asda, walk forward and the door will open automatically."

[Aragorn looks doubtful and reads it for himself.]

Merry: What do you suppose that means?

Aragorn: Not so fast, Merry. It doesn't say that. It *actually* reads: "The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter."

Merry: Well, erm, what do you suppose *that* means? That Gandalf's thick?

Gandalf: What? Oh, it's quite simple, I was joking, yes... But that means that if you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open.

[There is a pause in which everyone stares at Gandalf.]

Gandalf: What?! Oh, me, right, heh... [Clears throat] Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!

Translator Thing: Gate of the Elves open now for me!

(Comment: Yes, it's back again.)

[Legolas sniggers as the doors stay shut.]

Gandalf: Ando Eldarinwa a lasta quettanya, Fenda Casarinwa!

Translator Thing: Gate of Elves! Listen up! Open you bastard of a Threshold of Dwarves!

[Legolas collapses in hysterics, the others, who weren't listening, look at him oddly.]

Aragorn: Mines are no place for a pony. Even one so brave as Bill.

[Takes the baggage off Bill, the baggage pony.]

Sam: Bye bye, Bill.

[Sam moves to kiss Bill.]

Aragorn: Nah-ah!

[Aragorn grabs Sam and pulls him back, while looking at him oddly.]

Aragorn: Go on, Bill. Go on.

[Aragorn shoos Bill away. Bill sticks his tongue out and gets tapped on the nose by Aragorn.]

Aragorn: Cheeky!

[Bill wanders off, looking dejected.]

Aragorn: Don't worry Sam. He knows the way home.

[Merry and Pippin are throwing stones into the water. As Pippin is about to throw one, Aragorn grabs him by the collar.]

Aragorn: Do not disturb the water. It's sleeping!

[The camera shifts over to Gandalf, who sits down and takes off his hat.]

Gandalf: Oh, it's useless.

Frodo: It's a riddle. Speak 'friend', and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend?

Gandalf: Mellon.

[The doors open. Frodo looks pleased with himself and Gandalf sulks. The Fellowship walks into the mines.]

Gimli: Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, meat off the bone! This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A MINE!

Legolas: Well, he has interesting taste in air freshener, I'll say that for him.

Boromir: This is no mine. It's a tomb. And that is not air freshener. Unless it's decaying Dwarf scented... Oh, sorry Gimli.

[We see dead, and rotting Dwarves and Orcs, covered in cobwebs.]

Gimli: No! Nooo! NOOOO!

[All plug their ears as Gimli screams. Legolas takes out an arrow from a dead body.]

Legolas: Goblins!

Gimli: [Mutters]: Damn things, very nice helmets though...

Boromir: We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here! Now get out of here! Get out!!

Legolas: What's so great about the fucking Gap of Rohan?!

[The Fellowship backs out, Frodo is taken by a tentacle from a creature in the water.]

(Comment: Okay... o.o)

Merry: Frodo!

Pippin: Frodo! Help!

Frodo: I can't help! Strider!

Sam: Strider!

Frodo: Help!

Sam: Get off him!

Pippin: I'm trying to help!

Merry: Aragorn! Sam's getting over-protective of Frodo again! Do something!

Gandalf: What the fuck?! Not a Pervy Hobit Fancier meeting again!

[The Hobbits slash at the creature with their swords. They manage to free Frodo from the creature, but as he backs away from the water, many tentacles come out from the water, this time swinging Frodo high up in the air.]

(Comment: I left that unedited just for the amusement of the repeated "from the water" in the original transcript, lol.)

Frodo: Ahhh!

Merry: Frodo!

Frodo: Strider!

Gandalf: Is that a threesome going on over there or am I hearing things?

[Legolas shoots the tentacles with his bow, while Boromir and Aragorn enter the water, and slash at the tentacles with their swords. Aragorn cuts off the tentacle that is holding Frodo, and Boromir manages to catch Frodo as he falls.]

Gandalf: Into the mines!!!

Boromir: Legolas! Into the cave!

Legolas: Cave? Don't you mean the mine?

Boromir: Umm, yeh, whatever...

Unknown: Shut up and run!

[The creature comes out of the water and crumbles the doors down, blocking the way out and the light.]

Gandalf: We now have but one choice.

[He fits a sparkler into the end of his staff and ignites it, producing light.]

Gandalf: We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are far older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of my pants.

Aragorn: Pull up your trousers, pervert!

Frodo: You can say *that* again!

Gandalf: Be quiet! It's a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed.

[Someone snorts off-screen. ... Climbing upwards, Pippin kicks some rocks fall onto Merry.]

Merry: Pippin!

[After some time, they come to an opening, where there are three passages to choose from.]

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.

[Everyone except Gandalf sighs and sits down. The Fellowship stops for a while, mostly beause they have no choice.]

Pippin: Are we lost?

Merry: No.

Pippin: I think we are.

Merry: Shhh. Gandalf's thinking.

Pippin: Oh dear... [Pause] Erm, Merry...

Merry: What?!

Pippin: I'm hungry.

Merry: You're *always* hungry!

Pippin: So?!

[Merry rolls his eyes. Frodo sees something some distance away. He hurries towards Gandalf, and sits beside him.]

(Comment: Awww! How cute! He needs the pervy wizard to hold his hand!)

Frodo: [To Gandalf]: There's something down there!

[Gandalf looks down at his lap. Frodo notices.]

Frodo: Eww! Not there! There! [Points to where he was looking before]

Gandalf: [Flustered]: Oh! It's Gollum.

Frodo: Gollum?!

Gandalf: He's been following us for three days.

Frodo: Ohh, that's what that smell is! I thought it was you...

[Gandalf looks menacing. Frodo coughs and continues.]

Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-dûr? But doesn't DQ live there?