| Stopping Hateful Language: It Begins With Us |
| One of the tragic outcomes of the recent attacks in the United States is a significant increase in the incidences of hostility, hateful comments and words of violence against innocent people based on the color of their skin, ethnicity or religion. The result: too many young people afraid to go to school, too many families fearful for the safety of their children and too many people feeling threatened and terrorized in their homes, workplaces and communities. Regardless of one's race, ethnicity, religion or other characteristics, everyone is negatively affected when the spirit of communities is diminished by ignorance, misunderstanding, prejudice, hate and violence. Hateful language, slurs and comments that hurt and demean people are not a new phenomena. Overall, however, threats, words of hate and harassment that target groups based on race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, economic class, and physical and mental disabilities appear to be on the rise in communities across the country. What is our responsibility to speak out against these destructive comments and behaviors? When people stand by and say nothing in the presence of demeaning statements and hurtful remarks, they convey agreement and consent. Think about it. When such comments have been made in your presence, did you speak up? Many people admit they don't believe in or agree with the hate-based reactions and comments that they may be hearing in family rooms and classrooms, locker rooms, meeting rooms and board rooms. Many caring, fair-minded people also admit they find themselves paralyzed with anger, fear or frustration in the presence of persons making hateful comments, and simply don't know how to respond without sounding enraged and hateful themselves. It is possible - indeed it is imperative - that we speak out so that our silence does not allow the poison of hate to spread further. And it's possible to speak out and interrupt degrading words and language while building community and maintaining positive relationships with the people we're confronting. The following approaches to positive confrontation can help you use your voice to interrupt the spread of slurs and hateful comments: Remain calm - Take a deep breath and try to remain calm when speaking up. It's nearly impossible to sound constructive and respectful when reacting out of what may be your own intense anger and rage at the offender. Confront privately when possible - Nobody enjoys being confronted in front of others. Consider pulling the person aside and sharing your feelings and ideas directly with them. However, if a racist, hateful comment is made in a public meeting, for example, it's important that the whole group hear your thoughts. View this as an opportunity to educate and use the positive approaches described in this article to create your response. Focus on maintaining and strengthening relationships grounded in mutual respect. Your goal should be to educate and challenge, rather than to embarrass. Focus on the statement or comment that was spoken - not on the person who snared it. Be respectful and constructive - Don't allow yourself to disrespect others' humanity and dignity when you confront them. Avoid using a patronizing tone or argumentative approach and don't blame, shame or attack. Remember that our goal is to further growth and learning for ourselves and for those with whom we interact. View people as members of a shared community and act from a place of love and respect - not from anger and hostility. Repeat the offensive comment or behavior - Be sure those you are confronting know exactly what it is they've said that has offended or disturbed you. Be very clear and repeat the comment if necessary so there is no doubt about what you hear as racist, bigoted, degrading or hurtful to others. Use "I" statements - Avoid comments that start with "You...". Use "I" statements instead that put ownership for your thoughts on yourself. "I" statements also help us avoid sounding like we're attacking the person we're confronting - which may cause the person to become defensive and angry. An example of an "I" statement is: "I am deeply concerned about members of our community being targeted and harassed as a result of the terror inflicted on the United States. We don't honor our freedoms and beliefs as a nation by hating and harassing our community members. I know we can do better." Use softening statements - A softening statement may increase the likelihood that the person you are confronting will listen to you. Comments like "I value our work together, and I am concerned when I hear you say....." or "I know you wouldn't want to intentionally hurt people and when I hear you say...." Practice positive confrontation by thinking about how you would want to be confronted in a similar situation. Provide accurate information - Think of yourself as an "educational activist." Counter inaccurate, stereotypical or demeaning comments with information that helps to increase awareness and inform people about the group that is being targeted. Several Web sites are provided at the end of this article that include helpful information about Arab Americans, the Islamic faith and Muslim people. Additional Web sites are provided that focus on addressing racism, bigotry and intolerance. Ask for what you need - Be clear about what you're asking from the person. You may be asking them to consider a different point of view or you may be asking them to stop using hateful, demeaning language and slurs in your presence. Be clear about what you need and ask for it in a firm and caring way. Invite further conversation - Don't feel like you have to say everything there is to say in the initial conversation. You may want to start by helping the person think about another perspective. Ask them if they're willing to discuss the issue further and offer information and resources that may help them understand the inappropriateness of their remark or action. Try saying, "I'm concerned about something you said, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to talk more about that with me." Another option is: "I have an article I'd be willing to share that helps explain my concern. May I give you a copy?" Remember that silence is consent - Saying nothing in the presence of remarks that demean individuals and groups implies agreement and consent. By speaking up against prejudice, discrimination and hateful language, you make it very clear that you and members of your community will not tolerate this kind of destructive behavior. Also, never underestimate the effectiveness of speaking up against hate and prejudice that is directed at groups of which you are not a part. By speaking up, you model for adults and young people the power of using your voice in constructive and respectful ways. Not speaking up is consenting to be part of the problem. Michigan State University Extension offers a day-long workshop to help people build skills in speaking out in constructive ways against racism and other "isms." For more information about the workshop called "Leadership in Dealing With Difficult Multicultural Discussions,"contact Dionardo Pizana at (517) 264-5304. Helpful Web Sites: Amnesty International: www.amnesty.org Arab American Institute: www.aaiusa.orq Council on American-Islamic Relations: www.cair-net.org Detroit Free Press Journalist's Guide: 100 Questions and Answers About Arab Americans: www.freep.com/jobspage/arabs/index.htm Education Developmental Center, Inc. www.edc.org Southern Poverty Law Center: www.splcenter.org Teaching Tolerance: www.teachinqtolerance.org This article appeared orignally as a Michigan State University Cooperative Extension New Release. Reprinted with permission. |