"It's payback time! And she's paying - in fear dollars!" - Jez
"The first shag is just damage limitation. In out, as much pleasure as i can give her. Then apologise" - Mark
"Nazi love....it's bloody mental!!" (and then later...) "She's not speaking to me. Of course she's not speaking to me, i sent her a bloody swastika!" - Mark
"Brilliant Mark, My mate and your woman have just gone off to shag eachother, so what are we going to do now? Go make a tent in the living room and eat dairylea? Is that what you want? Because thats whats going to happen." - Jez
"I could rape him.....Am I going to rape him....?.....I'm not going to rape him...." - Jez
"I'm going to answer the door now, Mark. But I'll be back for you, and your cock!" - Jez
"It's not piss!" - Mark
"If [Jez] hangs himself over this, I'll stick an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident." - Mark
"Gor, that crack is really morish." - Super Hans
"I'm having a nice relaxing smoke of crack" - Super Hans
"Hit him? I cant even make a fist" - Super Hans
"I'm hot like Pol Pot...Squeeze me!" - Jez
"Field of Dreams? A man who builds a baseball pitch for ghosts in his back garden? That's your business plan?" - Mark
"You can't trust people, people voted for the nazi's and listen to coldplay" - Super Hans
"The secret ingredient is crime..." - Super Hans
"Do You want a taste of my steel! Do you!" - Mark (had to slip that in somewhere!)
"Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?" - Jez
Mark: "You can't hate people because of the colour of their skin"
Daryl
: "Oh I see... it's political correctness gone mad!"
"Four naan Jeremy, thats Insane" - Mark
"Eh look, it's Paedo!" and then "Fack off clean shirt!" - Scally/Chav/Ned...etc
"How thick is wall?" - Jez
"...and our aim should be to kill customers...with our levels of service, so they're dead!" - Johnson
"You will touch my magic cock..." - Jez
"The bad thing! That was the bad thing!" - Jez ("My turn now then..." - Super Hans!!!)
"JLB credit, fuck off please!" - Mark (on the phone, having just urinated in to boss's desk drawer)
"Why? Cos I'm the big man...and your a turkey fucker" - Johnson
"We need to create a powerful sense of dread... the longer the note, the more dread..." - Super Hans
"...ahhh warm copies make everything better" - Mark
"I've got you mate. I've got you by the shoes" - Bowling man; and then "He doesn't care about his shoes! Fuck your shoes!" - Valerie
"Women don't want your hand under their bottoms, Mark, that's been established, that's a given. 'She sat on it officer, it was an accident!', 'Of course it was, now get in with the nonces'" - Mark
"Please don't touch my floppy cock" - Mark
"It's a savage garden my friend, a savage garden" - Super Hans
(to Mark) "Just don't go into that corner because that's where all the guys who like straight-acting tubby homophobes hang out." - Jez
"...ahh a hug in a mug, all i need now is a kiss in tube and a wank in a packet" - Mark
"Jez please, Frosties are just Corn Flakes for people who cant face up to reality." - Mark
"Yeah, well, Corn Flakes are just Frosties for wankers!" - Jez
"Why didn't I mention the blind kids? I should have milked those blindies dry!" - Mark
"I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulation" - Mark
"Enter the pit of Sarlak little crisps" - Mark
"If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ grinder" - Mark
"You didn't try to did you? Have sex with a monkey?" - Jez
"Man is programmed to do two things: kill, and nob. In the Stone age, you'd go out, kill an Antelope..." - Jeff
"...and nob the corpse..." - Jez
"No..." - Jeff
"Kellogg's Crunchy Nut. Very expensive as i recall..." - Super Hans, as he pours them over the floor
