I'm feeling:
Well today was pretty rough. After Andrew left anyways. Now I have to take care of my mom. Even if it's just for a night. I know I know. Most kids should have sympothy, etc, but my mom can't even wait for a MINUTE to have what she wants. It's so frustrating. But about yesterdays entry, I put that song because thats basically how I was. The song says it all. Well thats all for today. Melissa - out.
-Melissa
7/28/05
I'm feeling:
-Melissa
7/27/05
I'm feeling:
Kelly had movie passes. So Kelly, Carey, Alanna, and I all went to go see Fantastic 4. And OH MY. That movie is the BEST! It's highly recommended to see! After that, we hung out at the arcade (we did that before too, but yeah), then went to Kellys house. We had practice and I don't know what I was doing. I was having a problem with something that I'm not even going to post in my own blog and I had them keep guessing and guessing and then I changed the subject later on and complained about how we do songs but I really wasn't upset about that. Like I was at a point, but not really anymore. I'm sorry. I really am for that. Then we went in her room and talked about our lives and everything. It was pretty refreshing. We should do that a lot. I don't know though. I feel like Kelly doesn't really like me that much. And compared to Alanna, I'm the worst friend ever. And I am! I wouldn't be surprized if she liked Alanna more than she did me. It's totally understandable. And ok. I'm just going to say what was bothering me. Everyone talked to Kelly when we were at the movies but Kelly and I didn't have one conversation. In the arcade, she played games with Alanna and everything and I felt left out. I know I'm not FULLY gothic. I dont wear black 24/7. I don't wear the crazy make-up. But I felt liek a goth today. I am pretty much a goth though. Emotionally and life like. My life sucks. But yeah..anyways..Kelly and I didn't have one conversation and I wanted someone to dance Dance Dance Revolution with me (Alanna or Kelly) and neither of them did. Maybe Carey even felt the same. I could tell she really wanted to hang out with Kelly. but the thing is, it's like..when Alanna and Kelly are together, they really ARE best friends. It's like no one is there but them. It's good that they have that friendship but I just wish I wasn't there at all. I felt so left out. Liek I was dead. Yeah I have almost died before and once I almost did suicide...but thats how I felt today. Then when we were in the car, they were talking about the Green Day concert and I felt so left out. I knew I wasn't going to that and I really wanted to so I felt so low and that was my problem. The ignoring and the concert. Even when we were going to the movie, I felt left out. I had to listen to the conversation..not really be in it. I dunno. Do I sound jealous? Yeah..I guess I do. I just can't help it. Sometimes I just want to cry and breakdown..maybe even die. Sometimes I wonder if I DID die, if I would be missed. It doesnt seem like it...some days I feel like really doing it as an experience to know how people are without me. Now is that selfish or what. Gosh, Im just really hating life right now. I cover everything and I've only told one person how I feel a lot and thats Charlos....ok, no not really. I only told him about my 'almost dying' experiences. But yes. No one knows how I feel but me. No one. No one probably reads this blog so its fine to put how I feel. As if anyone really cares anyways.
-Melissa
7/26/05
I'm feeling:
So sorry I didn't post my blog last night! I was TOO caught up in laughter! Recently, as everyone knows, I got a webcam. Well some people wanted to see me with bangs (and so did I, lol) so I took a picture or two (of many, lol), and OH MY! One of them came out pretty good and my friend thinks I look WAY older! But the other one made me look like a Chinese girl! I showed Jeremy and he couldn't stop laughing, Kelly asked what I was thinking, Adam just said 'lol', and Alisha said that I really do look like a Chinese girl. And even Olivia laughed a lot. Well, nice to know that I can make some people laugh! lol
I also made animations of me. I was BORED ok? It's pretty cool actually! Here, I'll post them AND those pictures. But know that in the 2nd animation, I was saying "Ahh! This is SO COOL". The 1st one...I forgot. I think they are REALLY cool though!
-Melissa
7/24/05
I'm feeling:
This whole day was edgy, anxious, and weird. And also pretty good too. I guess you can say it first started when mom kept waking me up at numerous times of the night. One of the many things that I have to put up with while Andrew is away like today for instance. It sucked. This is what I have to look forward to in the future. I don't think I had one pleasant dream without mom calling me to get her whatever it is. It frustrated me! Time went on, and of course she wants me to get up at 7:00 am like always, (when I really want to sleep until at least 10:00), just to make breakfast. Then lunch came, she kept calling, I made her it, then she refused to get it! So I had to go from the room I was in just to get it. Then NOW. Don't get me started on NOW! Oh look. I got myself started on now so I guess I'll say. One of them is pretty personal so I'll just keep that to myself but she is all mad that I want to do this idea of mine. She thinks I don't want to be close to her anymore, blah blah blah which is total bs. Then, at this VERY moment, she was all "Why do you SUDDENLY want to do this? Why is it that when I was in the hospital you suddenly get this idea? Why is that? Sometimes I think you and Andrew mess around!" Now excuse me with this...WHAT THE F**K IS SHE THINKING! She's my MOTHER! She should TRUST me! But nooo, she doesn't! She thinks that I'm some SLUT thats going to go around and sleep with random people! ESPECIALLY Andrew! She is a SICK TWISTED BITCH that obviously needs help! And to think that she's my own mother to. First she accusses all of my friends for changing me and then this. Then again, she's said this before. What else is new? I think I better give Amy a ring like I said so. She said to call if there was anything I want to talk about. Well I really want to talk about thisone.
-Melissa
7/23/05
I'm feeling:
WOW! Tonight I was SO happy! First of all, I bought a webcam that came with two, SUPER cool! Second, David FINALLY signed on! YES! I FINALLY talked to him again! It's awesome! Then Jeremy wanted to meet him so I let him and neither of them liked each other. I didn't think they would. Both of them are very different. David is like a sweet little boy and Jeremy is like a rough tough High Schooler. I love them both though! So what if they didnt get along. It didn't really hurt any of us. But that is why I didn't want Jeremy and him to talk. I figured they wouldn't get along. So David wants me to get on tomorrow at 9:00 PM to talk. That kind of sucks. I wanted to go to bed at that time..weird I know. But I would have to get up again because of my mom and her machine so maybe it's a good thing?
-Melissa
7/22/05
I'm feeling:
I had the BEST time today! I've never felt so great! It's weird. Away from my negative life, life feels so good! I feel fantastic! Well I did anyways. Amy, Noah, Nathan, and I first went to Dions, then the mall, and then her house for the rest of the day, ate supper, and now I'm back here..in this house. But it was fun. I played a Sonic game with Noah at their house. But anyways, I didn't want today to end. Although, Amy kept telling me things about the path I'm taking and how I'm changing, etc. I even told her that I hope there are many more days like today. And we are hoping to have a great sisterly bond. Which I love! I love hanging out with her! Prolly cuz its been SO long. Well I'm looking forward to the next time! ^-^
-Melissa
7/21/05
I'm feeling:
Okay, the other day, my sister asked me if I'd like to hang out with her. I said yes, and blah blah. Well today was the day! She said today or tomorrow. But she said she would call. So I got really excited about it all because the last time I had spent time with my sister was when I first moved here so I was really looking forward to it. All day, I waited and waited and WAITED for her to either come over or call. She didn't do either one. Finally, I talked to my mom about it and she called Amy, then Amys cell phone pretty much died. Later, Later, Later, call again, nothing. MUCH later, call again, Leonard picks up (her husband). He says that she is at her school taking a test. It bothered me. I thought at the very least my own sister would have called to let me know about things instead of just putting it off like it's nothing. Maybe tomorrow will be better towards that subject.
-Melissa
7/20/05
I'm feeling:
Well today was pretty well! I met up with Kelly and we practiced. It was awesome because at first we were just doing nothing and practicing just notes and then I caught on to a beat. Then she wrote a song. And now we have a song! So wow! Our first song! It's great! We both contributed. But what bugged me was that nor Alanna OR Victoria were there. It's like Kelly said, no one is willing to and it's pretty sad. But this isn't the reason I'm a bit sad. I went on to MySpace, saw Jeremy had new pictures and checked them out! They are really great! If I didn't know better, I'm assume he was a model! But the thing is, he looked SO much like David in them. It kind of got me down. David is someone who used to be my best friend in Alamorgordo before I moved. When we went for a visit, I had said that I stopped by. When I stopped by, I got his number and his e-mail and I believed everything was going great. I even kind of started to like him from visiting. I don't know why. He was just so kind and he was the David that I left. We hadn't seen each other in 3-4 years and it was a bit overwhelming. But then I got home, then I e-mailed him. I added him to my MSN contacts. He never replied back. It's been about 3 weeks already, maybe 4, and he never replied back. He's never on MSN, nothing! He had stopped having contact with me...again. So I'm a bit blue about that. And I guess Jeremys pictures reminded me of David. *sigh*
-Melissa
7/19/05
I'm feeling:
My mom is bugging..again. What else is new right? The air conditioner guy finally came. He said there was too much of one of our dogs hair in the air conditioner and he cleaned it out. He said it should start to cool down and by tomorrow it should be back to normal of how it was before. Guess how much it was? $120. YES! $120. I'm happy I didn't have to pay that! But I'm sad that my parents had to! It's just awful! But the dude left, the day went on, by the time of 7:00 p.m. we had came back from buying school clothes. (it was pretty cool and funny. At Mervyns Andrew and I met this one mother and 2 daughters who were going to go to James Monroe. She was totally confused and asked me a million questons about the clothes. I saw the girls too. They looked so little! Like 4th graders! I even mumbled to myself "They wont make it" and "Good luck, they'll need it". I was being totally serious! lol). But anyways, it was 7:00 and the temperature of the house only went down 1 degree. From 80 degrees to 79. Oh wow. That's progress. So it's still as hot as ever! But my mom won't shut up now! Now with her knee like it is she feels totally in charge and in control of all of us. She keeps complaining about the cooler guy and when we would change the subject, she would change it back to the cooler and what is wrong with it. The thing that bugs me though, is she is SO mad and feels so hot as though it's 100 degrees in this house, yet she takes everything out on Andrew and I. She yells at us, etc; and it really gets nerve racking and you hate it! She just never stops!
-Melissa
7/18/05
I'm feeling:
Ugh! This heat is pissing me OFF! But it's not the only thing. Andrew is too! He said that today we would go buy some pants and guess what? We didn't! He said yesterday that today we would buy some and today comes and nope! He should never make promises because he can never keep them! Simple opinion but a simple fact! Oh well, I should just be patient. I think this heat it getting to me. Or maybe my butt. I can't fi into ANYTHING which is why I need some pants! Ugh!
-Melissa
7/17/05
I'm feeling:
If any of my family is reading this, forgive me, my mom is a BITCH! I am beginning to hate her now. That's a really harsh word but I am. She's going to take away my internet because she can't accept how I am. The clothes I wear, what color is my fav (black), how I act, and according to her, people probably think that I'm "a gangster". If I MUST be labeled, I'm a Punk Rocker. I don't take crap for anyone and like I claim on MySpace, I'm a TRUE defender. This sounds awful for me to say, but I don't even take crap from my own mother. She wonders why I don't talk to her and it's because she can't accept ME and she never listens to anything I have to say. She doesn't help me with my problems, she hates ALL of my friends, and sh even blames Jeremy for the way I act. My mom wants me to live the Christian lifestyle. No offience, but I just can't! She said she's going to get a pastor and have me talk to him. She wants me to be anything and everything but me and that bothers me! If my own mother can't accept me as a person, then why should she care how I am? Why even bother? I know. Because she's my mom but she certainly doesn't act like one. She always complains and when you tell your side of the story and how you feel, she changes the subject and acts like you never said anything. If I didn't know how old she was, I would think she was 8 or younger because she certainly acts like it. I don't know why she expects me to be some saint because it's not going to happen! I am who I am. Besides, all teenagers are the same. Jeremy even says that my mom acts like his mom! And I don't know one single person that isn't like I am. She blames Andrew along with Jeremy as my "bad influences". Not only does Andrew help me out, but he supports me and he listens to me! He pays attention and he cares. Now my mom cares but all the other things? Forget about it. I don't know what to do anymore though. I need super advice and fast. I probably won't be able to write in my blog anymore after tonight. So farewell to all, and to all a goodnight.
-Melissa
7/16/05
I'm feeling:
Oh my! It's so effin' HAWT in this house! Why must the air conditioner have broken down? And in SUMMER too! What a time we dread. And those as my other dear friends have 65 degree houses and are cuddling in their blankets for dear warmth due to being cold...while I'M here pulling off the dang blankets trying to cool DOWN! AHHH!
Well we went to Noahs party...well my dad and I...and I was there for 5 minutes. We went and got food and a wheelchair for mah ma. WEIRD HUH? And then I went to my nephew and wished him a Happy Birthday and what does he do? Ignore me. So rude. And so evil. Evil! EEEVVVIIIILLL!
Anyways, thats all that really happend. I'm most likely going crazy, so if my behavior is odd to you...it's cuz of the DING DANG HEAT!!
-Melissa
7/15/05
I'm feeling:
Today my mom came home. At first it wasn't bad, but when she starts calling people and complaining, it sucks! At least she said she'd let us do whatever.
Right now I'm listening to songs from Hilary Duff's new CD Most Wanted. It comes out next month. It's cool how I am able to listen to these songs. Well I found it from a site and that person probably pre-ordered. They are really good. I love um.
-Melissa
7/14/05
I'm feeling:
Oh lookie there! It's almost 11:30...at night! And you know what? I'm taking my time to do my blog because I'm thinking of all of you out there...and me who doesn't want to do it in the morning. So because I am so tired, ignore any mistakes in this entry if there so happens to be some because right now, I am too tired to even bother to correct them. *yawn* So I made Kevin some blends *yawn* of Raven because you know, I am so good ( j/k ). But I made him some Support Blends for his message board and Proud Raven Fan banners. Cool right?
But I did get some bad news. Mom is coming home tomorrow.....WHY!? Others are so happy for me and for her but not me. Why couldn't she have stayed there ONE MORE WEEK? We still have so much to do! I know, I'm a bitch...but it's genetics from..yeah nvm
-Melissa
7/13/05
I'm feeling:
There is something I hate more than almost anything and that is people. People who bash out my friends who don't even KNOW them! And Adam obviously didn't even KNOW what he was talking about! He brought in Charles, Angelica, and Jeremy. I was joking and I was like "Ah, dont be jealous" and he said "Why would I be jealous about someone who's a bitch, a person who called you names, and a person who cheated on you?!" Again, he doesn't know what the hell he was talking about. Jeremy and I NEVER went out, Charles didn't even KNOW me when he would call me names, and Angelica only JOKES when she's being a bitch! Adam was totally making excuses and whenever people bash my friends, I get pissed off. I mean if they bash ANY of my friends! Unless I was mad at the person then I wouldn't care. But Jeremy, Charles, and Angelica are people I talk to practically every day. And for ADAM of ALL people to bash them out is just wrong! And I told him "Jeremy and I never went out, Charles didnt know me, and Angelica just jokes". He is/was my best friend so he should have already known all of that by now. He shouuldn't even claim to be my best friend to make such wrong remarks! But after a good fight, we worked it out. Doesn't mean I'm still not mad. He even said he HATES what I've become. I've become more punk since he left and I am into different music while he's the same person. Well no one stays the same. EVER
-Melissa
7/12/05
I'm feeling:
It's so funny how Adam keeps telling me "We have to talk" and he never really trys to. Well he does when I'm gone but you all know that doesn't count! I guess it's like I'm losing my best friend. Andrew said he's not really even my best friend because he moved and now I have Victoria, Alanna, and Kelly but they aren't like Adam. I dont know anymore.
We didn't get Battle Royale. DAMN that ATM Machine that took Andrews car! Why do they even have ATM Machines? Especially if they take your cards! Of course I laughed about it at the time but now it just SUCKS! Too bad I'm not rich. =\
And oh my! My mom keeps calling! I wish she wouldn't! She calls me every 5 minutes. It's pretty disturbing.
-Melissa
7/11/05
I'm feeling:
Right now I'm feeling pretty calm and good but earlier...BLAH! I felt awful! My waist hurt so much! And guess what? We had to go visit my mom! Celebrate! Party! HAHA! Yeah right! I didn't even want to go! I felt SICK and no one really cared! Either they didn't care or they thought it was an excuse. When we went there, we fought. 1 - for a personal reason that I dont want to post. 2 - She thinks Andrew is pushing me away from her. And 3 - Battle Royale. We ALL fought over that! Jeremy was even included in the fighting! It was awful. They were all saying how it's too violent, my mom doesnt even know what it's about, if I would even like it, and why I couldnt borrow it and take the offer from Jeremy TO borrow it! I got out of it though..ALIVE, thankfully. It was all like another war. Of course my whole family is that way.
Adam IMed me today but I wasn't on. Phew! Something I could thank visiting my mom for! lol j/k but Im serious
Anyways, I told Alanna how I was considering quitting the band. She knows my reasons and I hope she respects them. It's just the whole thing isn't working out for me. Kelly is like the manager and like I told Alanna, if a manager is going to be like Kelly, then maybe we should seriously consider getting a new one.
-Melissa
7/10/05
I'm feeling:
Today, Andrew decided that he will buy me Battle Royale! Which makes me so happy! That movie totally kicks ass! Well actually I haven't seen it yet but according to Jeremy it does. His MOM even likes it who is exactly like my mom so it must be good. But of course, Andrew said we have to talk with my mom about it first. (Uh Oh)
As for the Adam thing, he IMed me debating about that crap about the crush thing with me. That's all we talked about was the video and what he said. Come on! I even played it again today and he still said "I want you" or whatever. But of course he will keep debating and say he didn't but me and Andrew know better.
Okay, this time, I KNOW this blend is better! I KNOW it! But I won't keep posting blends ok? lol This will be, hopefully, my last time! ^^
-Melissa
7/9/05
I'm feeling:
Isn't it funny when you ask a question and people just refuse to answer it? That or they just never get back to you. Thats what happend with me. Okay. I asked Adam yesterday in an email what he said while we were filming our tape. We were dancing to 1,2 Step by Ciara. I turned around and walked away and while I did, Adam pushed his chest towards me and said something. I hadn't noticed until I kept playing the tape and slow motioned what he said. Andrew thinks he said "I Love You" and I think he said "I Want You". Now Andrew thinks Adam has this big secret crush on me. I don't know. I'd like to know whatever it is he's hiding or isn't hiding. But I e-mailed him asking what he said, just to be sure, and he never answered. Like I even said that Andrew and I had ideas of what he said and what they were but he STILL didn't say. Something is going on with Adam. -thinks-
Anyways, I saw mom today, like usual. She wasn't feeling very well and had even threw up in the morning. She wasn't even doing all that great when Andrew and I saw her. So we eventually left, went to target and got me a bullitin board, (which is SO cool! It has a whiteboard to the side of it) we picked up food from Taco Bell, and then went home. We originally had planned to go and see Sin City tonight but it was too late. It was already 7-7:30 so we just decided to see it either tomorrow night or on Monday. So we shall see!
I made Jeremy another blend! Now I know I said that other one was my best but THIS one is of COURSE my next best! I'm improving each time I make a blend!
-Melissa
7/7/05
Well, today my mom went into surgery for her knee. Just to let you know, the other night, I cryed taking a shower thinking she could die. I was so sad! And I treat her awful. So if god took her away, it would be to punish me. So that night, I felt guilty. And all day today, when Andrew left and she left, I felt guilty for not going, and I couldn't shake death off of me. I felt like death was near and I couldn't shake the feeling she will die! I know, thats awful thoughts to think but that's just what I thought. Everytime the phone would ring, I wouldn't answer it in fear that there would be bad news. So I was really worried about it. Finally tonight at 8 or 7, Andrew came back home and said everything went well which made me so happy yet SO relieved. God was on our side. He protected her which was what I prayed for all day. I still need to tell my friends. To those who know now and are thinking about her, thanks so much and thank you for praying for her. I appreciate it..more than you know!
Tonight I made the most awesomest blend for Jeremy! I think it's one of my BEST. I'll put it before I sign my name. You all tell me what you think. I think it's my best that I've ever done.
-Melissa
7/6/05
I am so tired! Or is it bored. I dont care. I didn't do anything today but watch TV. I was hardly on the computer which is unusal for me. But along with my daily shows I watched The Life Aquatic (sucky movie) and Hostage (good movie but totally creepy, visual, and violent)! There was this one person in Hostage that could very easily resemble a guy in My Chemical Romance. It was creepy because that guy killed practically EVERYONE! The movie is good though. You should see it if you haven't already.
I'm a bit confused about my band and our meetups. Kelly hasn't kept in touch. Maybe she's mad? I dont know. I dont know anything about the band anymore. I've missed so much meetings that it's crazy. It's been a month since I was last there. Maybe even more than a month. I can't even keep track. I don't even know if I'm still even in the band! Probably not because people will probably vote me out. Or maybe I should just quit like Soraya did. Who knows anymore? I'm totally confused so if any of you have any tips, please, let me know them.
OK, better head out now. I still have to watch Hitch and my dinner is ready. Buh Byes!
-Melissa
7/5/05
Today I went to the Eye Doctor. Yay! How exciting! HaHa! Yeah right. It was torture. The guy had to touch my eye with this pressure thingie. I never let him do it before but this time I did. It wasn't bad. You can't feel anything because he numbs the eye but putting about 20 drops in my eyes! Then he held my eye lid open and it was all sore afterwards. I don't know why but I really don't like him!
Nothing else really happend today. My dog kept getting out! It was crazy. We opened the backdoor to let her in (she's a teacup chihuahua) and we couldn't find her! We looked everywhere! Then Andrew figured that someone must have tooken her. I raced to the front door, opened it, and Katie was there, wagging her tail as if everything was FINE! *lol* Crazy dog. Then, after we ate, they dropped me off, after picking up Blockbuster movies, and went to Verison Wireless and I put Katie out. 2 minutes later, Andrew comes back in and says Katie was outside! I don't know about her. Now we have to keep our eyes on her 24/7.
As for movies, we rented four of them at Blockbuster. Hide And Seek, The Life Aquatic, Hitch, and some other one. Tonight we watched Hide And Seek. Good movie, STUPID ending! And on account of the ending, the movie was ruined. But I still think it was pretty good.
-Melissa
7/4/05
Well! I am home! Finally! I guess I had fun. I'm not going to do the whole Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, thing. I'm way too tired for that. But here's basically what happend. We drove there, ate, went to the mall (and that mall is SUPER boring! Too fancy! Shocking that they had Hot Topic). Then we went to that concert on Saturday. It was SO hot! We were directly in the sun. May I also add that we stayed there for 8 hours! We would have left after Paul Riveare but I wanted to see the firework show at the end of the concert so we stayed. I almost got Sun Burned too! But instead I got a good tan. Good I guess? Then Sunday we went to Six Flags. But it rained! And I went on the rollar coaster and some skateboard ride and they have those seats with the feet dangling and my head got banged against the seat! It hurt like crazy! I had a headache all night. I also got that MCR cd! It rocks! Then we started coming home today. My mom talked to my sister who took care of our pets and OMG! *laughs* I've never known such a blonde! She couldnt open a cat food can with our can opener! The can looks like she smashed it a million times on the floor. And the cat liter box? Well the box has a top over it with a hole they go in. She said she busted the scoop to scoop the poop out! Then I was like "I bet you she didnt take off the top to the box!" then we called her and asked and she was all "No...was I supposed to?"
Am I related to this person? *laugh* As for Kelly, I'm not mad at her anymore. I think it was something I was going through before the whole trip. Weird huh?
-Melissa
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