IMPORTANT NOTE!!!
OUTDATED WEBSITE!!!

This website is no longer being updated! To visit this page on my current website, please use the following link:
   http://thiswayoflife.org/feelings.html
Please update any links you have to this site.

Expressing and Feeling Emotions

I don't always seem to feel emotions the same way that others do, due to my autism. However, I also believe that there are many different kinds of emotional experiences among the autistic population - my perspective is not the only valid one.

Confronting the Myths

A common myth about autistics is that we do not feel emotions. That is simply not true! I feel emotions very deeply. Another myth is that we do not value our emotions - that we are some sort of robotic creature who only thinks logically, and, thus, can not be happy or upset. I value my emotions tremendously and enjoy being happy as much, if not more, then any non-autistic!

Missing Emotions - Two Examples

There are some emotions I have never felt at all. For instance, I've never felt "romantic love" or "grief". There are other emotions that I don't feel, but these are the written about as if they are universal and essential parts of the human experience. While I understand the logic of these emotions, I don't know what the feelings themselves are like.

Romantic Love: While I do not understand romantic love, I do understand familiarity, friendship, and comfort. There are people in my life which are important to me, mainly because I am close to them. My close friends fall into this category. But I don't feel the driving emotion to "couple," even though all of my unmarried acquaintances seem to be feeling this emotion.

Grief: Even if my closest friend or a family member died, I would not grieve in the normal sense. This is not because I have no close relationships, but because this emotion simply does not seem to exist in my mind. I can recall two particular funerals where I was close to the deceased. One was for a grandmother that I was particularly fond of. In spite of a close relationship, the funeral and her death had no emotional impact on me. Another funeral was held in the memory of a favorite teacher. There was nothing I could do to change either of these situations, so I did not grieve. It was not simply a temporary reaction of shock. I have not ever grieved for these people. Another autistic - Edger Schneider - phrased it this way in his book, Discovering My Autism (Jessica Kingsly Publishers, 1999): "There are all kinds support groups for people who grieve, but nothing for people who should be grieving but don't."

As an aside, I believe it is important for parents to realize that autistic children can experience happiness as well as anguish. Happiness seems to be one of the most basic of emotions, not affected by the emotional difficulties in autism. Some people think that some autistic children can only be upset - that the "prison" of autism has confined them to a life of misery. This is not accurate. An autistic child can enjoy happiness. Even people who live in tremendous physical pain (most autistics do not live a life of physical pain) have lived enjoyable lives.

Expressing Emotions

I have a lot of trouble expressing emotions. When I was a child, I would often explode in anger at school or home, simply because these emotions were so raw and powerful. Over the years, I've learned how to control my anger - most of the time. I occasionally still have a problem controlling my temper - it is my most volatile emotion, and it takes tremendous energy to keep it in check.

While I sometimes express anger a too frequently, I have trouble expressing most other emotions at all. For instance, it is impossible to tell a friend something as seemingly simple as, "I'm glad we are friends." It's impossible for me to tell even my closest friends about how I feel if I'm upset or depressed. I don't understand why this would be so difficult, but it is. Recently, for instance, I had something happen in my life which caused me to be so upset that I wasn't even able to leave my house. I really wanted to tell my close friends about it, so they could give me support, but I was unable. The words simply would not come, in spite of my efforts.

Writing

In the last few years, I've discovered that there are certain emotions that I only feel clearly while I am writing. One of these emotions is sadness. While I am beginning to feel sadness when I'm not writing, I feel it much more strongly when I am writing. I can only recall two instances in my life when I cried (due to sadness) at a time when I wasn't writing. Both times were, I believe, a gift from God (I'll explain later).

In addition to feeling emotion more clearly through writing, I also am also able to express it more clearly. There are some things which I can't say verbally or in-person, but I can express in writing. For instance, I can't verbally express sorrow when I have caused someone else pain. But I can express sorrow in writing. I am thankful that I have at least the limited medium of writing to express some of the things that are very intense for me. However, there are still some things which I can neither express verbally or in writing.

Growth

In the last few years, I have begun to feel new emotions. The strongest is sadness. Before I entered college, I had never felt sadness. (note that sadness is not the same as depression or angst, both of which I felt before) There are other emotions that I am starting to experience today that I didn't experience as a child. Each one of these is a wonderful experience, even the negative ones, as they remind me of my humanity. I consider each of them to be a gift from God, and hope that as time goes on, that I will experience some of the other emotions that I've never felt.