A man gets stranded on an island.  He looks over the whole island and all he finds is a dog and a Sow (female pig).  After a month of being on the island alone he gets extremely horny.  After another month he finally decides the pig is looking good enough.  So he walks up to the pig, turns it around and is undoing his pants when the dog grabs his pant leg and drags him away.
     Later that night he sneaks up to the pig and starts to undo his pants. Again the dog runs up, grabs his pant leg and drags him away.
     The next day he tries tossing a stick down into a gully for the dog to fetch.  When the dogs goes running into the gully he runs over to the sow. Yet once again before he can do anything, the dog comes and drags him away.
      A few days later he is sitting on the beach completely depressed when he looks up and sees a raft.  On the raft is a very beautiful woman in tattered clothes laying unconscious.  He jumps up, runs, and dives into the water to drag her to shore. Once back on shore he givers her mouth to mouth and revives her.  �Oh my God� she says, �you saved my life. I�ll do anything for you.�  Staring in shock as his good luck he says �anything?�  To which she insists �absolutely anything�.  Clearing his throat he says to her. �Will you take my dog for a walk?�
     An old man and a young man are at the end of a dock fishing.  The old man tells the younger man how he just loves fishing.  He could come out here every day to fish and never get tired of it.  The younger man says �I love fishing too.  Im here on my honeymoon.�  The older man looks at him and says �what are you doing out here then? You should be with your wife having sex� The younger man says �I cant, she has Ghonnarea.�  The old man says �oh, well what about a blow job?� The young man replies �oh I can�t, she has Phiarrhea.�  �Wow� says the older man. �well what about anal? Can you have that?�  The younger man says �naw, she has bad hemerhoids.�  The old man looks at him and says �with all that wrong with her, why the hell did you marry her?� The young man then replies �She has worms too, and I really love fishing!�
    A fireman is outside of the station working on the truck.  Looking up he sees a little girl wearing a fireman�s hat in her front yard sitting in a little red wagon.  He notices that there are two ladder�s strapped to the sides of the wagon and a garden hose coiled up neatly inside.  Then he notices that the wagon has two leashes hooked up to a dog and a cat.
     Walking up to the little girl he tells her she has a really nice fire truck to which she smiles and says thank you.   Then he looks closer and sees how one leash is tied to the dogs collar and the other leash is tied to the cats testicles.  So clearing his throat he says to the little girl, �um.. you know, I�m not one to tell you how to run your truck, but I think if you tied that leash to the cats collar you would go a little faster�.
     The little girl looks it over then replies �I suppose you are right, I would go faster.  But then I wouldn�t have a siren.�
    A man is driving down a long stretch of deserted road when he sees a hitch-hiker.  Pulling over he lets the man in then proceeds to tell him how lucky he is because usually he would never pick up a hitch-hiker.  Suddenly the man pulls out a gun and orders the driver to pull over and get out.  After taking the drivers money and keys he then tells him to strip his clothes off.  After tying the drivers hands to his ankles with the mans belt the thief takes the money, and clothes and takes off in the car.
     The owner of the car is hobbling along naked with his wrists tied to his ankles when a semi pulls over.  The trucker gets out and says, �Mister just what in the hell happened to you?�  To which the man replies �oh its horrible. I picked up a hitch-hiker and he robbed me.  He stole my money, my clothes, then took off in my car.�
     The truck driver then starts to undo his pants and says �Mister, this just aint your day!�
    A man is at a table in a very high-class restaurant when he looks over and sees the most beautiful blonde sitting all alone.  Signaling over the waiter he orders their finest bottle of Merlot and has it sent to her table, knowing that if she excepts it she will be his.
When the waiter takes the bottle to her table she looks it over then writes out a note and sends it back to him.  The note says, �For me to accept this, the sender must be a man with 20 million dollars in the bank, be in excellent shape, have a Mercedes in his garage and have 7 inches in his pants.� 
     Reading this over he decides to write out his own note to her.  He writes� �I have 20 million dollars in my account, I work out every day. In my garage I have a Ferrari, a Rolls Royce, and a Mercedes Benz. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I ever consider cutting 3 inches off.�
      �Achmed� came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
       The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"  The doctor said, "You were homesick."
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