Two men are on a golf course.  On the thirteenth hole the tee's were next to a road.  Just as the first man was about to tee off a funeral possession started to drive by.  So he holds up and faces the hearse driving by, bows his head, and holds his hat to his chest.  After it is gone he resumes getting ready to tee off again.
      At this point his friend holds him up and says "what�s up with that?" "I've known you for ten years and you have never shown any signs of being sentimental before."  In which the first man replies.  "It�s the least I can do for the little lady.  I was married to her for twenty years!"
      A man comes home from golfing and plops down on the couch just exhausted.  Seeing how worn out he is his wife asks him what happened.  To which he replies .. "Jack and I were on the third hole ready to tee off when Jack had a heart attack and died right there on the spot.  "Oh that�s just horrible" his wife replies.   He answers, "You ain�t kidding.  After that it was hit the ball, drag jack, hit the ball, drag Jack."
     There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter then spit. Mutter then spit.  He would say "Damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit.  "Damn the son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit.
      A man sits down next to him and asks him "what-s going on here? You keep saying "damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then you spit".
     "Well" says the guy. "My friend just got a brand new sports car, so he
called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure why not!?"
"He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!" After spitting yet again he continues. "He's pumping the pedal and nothing. So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisting and curving.  We're going faster and faster and its getting harder to stay on the road".  I've got my fingers embedded into the dashboard and I'm pleading with him to do something".
We're going about 90 mph now with a sheer cliff on one side, a 100 foot
drop off on the other side, and up ahead is an overturned motor-home. Well I
figured this is it!  I just know we're gonna die here.  So I turn to him and
say..."Buddy if you can get us out of this I'll give you the best damn blow-job
you ever had!!"
"DAMN THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!!" (SPIT)
      A wife went in to see a therapist and said...."I've got a big problem doc."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
yell!"  To which the doctor replies..."That is completely natural.  I don�t see
what the big problem is there."    "The problem is..." the woman complained....
"it wakes me up"!!!
     A husband and wife are having their 25th wedding anniversary at a hotel.
The women asked her husband, "What was going through your mind the first time you saw me naked"?
     The man replies..."I wanted to screw your brains out and suck your tits
dry"!!  As the woman gets undressed she asks her husband..."And what are you thinking now"?
     He answers..."I think I did a pretty damn good job"!
     A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl into the back seat. They
make mad passionate love but the girl wants it again so the man complies. After the 2nd time she wants more so he goes another round. Once again she still wants more and this time the guy says "excuse me a minute. I have to step out and relieve myself first".  While out of the car he notices a man a half a block away changing a flat tire.  He goes over and tells the man "look, I�ve got this gal in my car and we've made it three or four times and she still wants more.  I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me".  So that�s what they do and the guy is just getting to his climax when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.  The cop asks "what are you doing in there?" The man replies calmly "I'm making love to my wife."  The cop asks "why Don�t you do that at home?" And the guy answers..."To tell you the truth, I didn�t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her".
    Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty tough neighborhood late one
night trying to impress each other with how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, pounds the shot glass to the bar turns to the others and says..."When I see a mouse trap, I lie on my back on it, set it off with my foot, catch it in my teeth, and bench press it 100 times".
     The second mouse orders two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw,
slams the shots, then pounds the glasses on the counter.  He turns to the other
mice and replies .."Yeah well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can
take home.  In the morning I put it into my coffee so I get a good buzz for the
day".
     The first and second mouse then turn to the other mouse.  The third mouse
lets out a long sigh and says to the first two .."I don�t have time for this
bullshit, I got to get home and screw the cat"!
JOKES          PAGE-2
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