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A doctor and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you are NOT good in bed either" and storms out of the house. A couple of hours later he decides to make amends and in between patient appointments he calls her. After many rings, she answers the phone. Irritated for having to wait, the husband says, "So why'd it take you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed this late in the day?" he demands. She responds sweetly, "Getting a second opinion." |
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Patrick Roy, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colorado Avalanche flag in the window. "This is your house for eternity, Pat" said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Patrick felt very special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a bright Red and White sidewalk, a 50foot tall flagpole flying an enormous Detroit Red Wings flag, and in every window a Red Wings logo. In the front yard was a sign that said "Welcome to Hockey-town."
Pat looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I won three Stanley Cups, more awards than I can remember and am the winningest goalie in NHL history." God said "So what do you want to know, Pat?"
"Well why does Steve Yzerman get a better house than me?" God chuckled and said "Pat, that's not Steve's
house,��� it's mine" |
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He finally returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's wife sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again. |
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." |
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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to". |
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Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.� |
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PAGE-3 JOKES PAGE-5 |
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