4-26-04 - Eternal Sunshine
4-25-04 - EBall
4-21-04 - Kevin on Running
4-20-04 - Some Thoughts
4-19-04 - NBA Review/Preview
4-18-04 - Reena's Guest Column
4-17-04 - Poking Fun
Archives
When I started writing this column two years ago, I didn't know if I'd ever even find two readers. Amazingly, it caught on. Now thousands and thousands of hits later, I find myself at a crossroads. Despite what you may be hearing, I feel like I am finally starting to mature. My writing is improving, even if it isn't anyehere near where I want it to be. Finally, after years of coasting, I feel like I'm ready to start making some difficult decisions. Well, almost. Before I decided what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to live next year, or even what coffee shop I should study for finals at, I needed one last week of reckless immaturity. And boy did I come through like a champ. Let me give you a brief rundown of what I did this week (One week before finals):
Sunday: Everyone knows what happened late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. If you don't, call someone loosely affiliated with Rice and ask them. And then call me and give me some crap. Everyone else has.
1) Jealous Guy - Elliot Smith (Lennon cover)
2) Rape Me - Nirvana
3) I Was Just Thinking - Teitur
4) Cmon Baby - Bob Schneider
5) Get in the Van - 2 Skinnee J's
6) About Her - Malcolm McLaren
7) Let Go - Frou Frou
8) Dig Through My Window - Guided by Voices
9) Secret - Maroon 5
10) The Bronze Beached Boys - Pas/Cal
Monday: My one productive day all week. Wrote two columns and updated outlines for all of my classes.
Tuesday: Nearly got rusticated (a professor noticed my signatures on the sign-in sheets don't always match up...I pled ignorance and was forgiven). Looked at a house with Blake. Later met him and Michelle for a drink at Little Woodrow's, before continuing on to the Marquis to meet Alex Fay. Within five seconds of entering, was tackled by Alex Cameron and made fun of mercilessly for the next two hours. Catherine joined in the Greek chorus by giggling uncontrollably every time she looked at me. Fay sat back and let me take the bullets.
Wednesday: Planned to study all day, instead drove with Fay and Chien to Lake Charles. Lost $80 at the blackjack tables, walked away, saw two cute girls sitting at another table and bet $20 more. Turned that twenty into one hundred and twenty. Ended up $17 for the trip. That nearly paid for gas.
Thursday: Since I missed The Secret Machines' concert in Houston while I was in Lake Charles on Wednesday, I did the only sensible thing...I blew off studying again and drove to Austin to see them there. After a good (not great) show, watched the Mavs game on 6th Street with Chris, Luke, and Kevin. The Mavs pissed it down there leg, ruining any chance of a big guys night out.
Friday: Left Austin late enough that I didn't get any studying in before our softball doubleheader that night. Lost the first game, but came roaring back from a 10-0first inning deficit to win the second in extra innings. Alex and I were the heroes (so I'm a little cocky). Afterwards met Jeff and his co-workers for drinks. Jeff was in championship form. He was funny (telling multiple people that he used to have a vagina), aggressive (trying to start a fight with the "fat fuck" by the pool table), affectionate (hugging strangers and near strangers), horny (trying to put his hands down Erin's pants), sexy (trying to remove his pants at the bar and nearly getting his "pipper stuck in (his) zipper"), disgusting (spraying beer out of his nose and all on to MMM), and athletic (removing his shirt and sprinting down the street when MMM tried to take him home). Rob McD and Erin came over afterwards to drink and the like. Far and away the highlight of the night was when Rob cooked some eggs sandwiches to help ease the munchies...oh, so good. He can be my wife anyday.
Saturday: Basically, all of this led to Saturday, quite possibly the most insane night of the year. You know how some nights sneak up on you...you don't expect much of them, but they turn out to be memorable anyways? This wasn't one of those nights. Going in, everyone knew that this night had a chance to be special. First off, everyone going felt very comfortable around each other. With the exception of Sarah's old friend Crystal (and probably Aaron, Cindy and Greg (Sarah's mom and future stepdad), each of the people attending easily rank among my twenty best friends. This would be the first time that all of us would be there in nearly a year. There is no group of people in the world that I feel more comfortable around and I think each would say the same thing.
Not only that, debauchery was basically built into the party's theme. You see, the event in question was Sarah's bachelorette party. A coed bachelorette party, you may ask? Who's ever heard of such a thing? When I asked that question, I was told "Sarah doesn't want her last night of debauchery to be with a bunch of random guys...she'd prefer it to be with the guys she has spent so many other nights of debauchery with". I don't know about you, but I can't argue with that kind of logic. With that in mind, and the party van rented, let's recap the night (This one is likely to get me in trouble):
4:30 PM - Jeff and I arrive at Sarah's place in Friendswood. After a round of greetings, we are offered penis-shaped cookies. Susan is walking around asking "who wants a penis?"
4:40 PM- I decide that that is going to be my line at the clubs tonight
4:45 PM- Everyone toasts and takes a shot to start the evening. Blake toast to hooking up with freshmen, and proceeds to explain why his joke is funny. Thanks, dick. Anyone want to see his testicles again?
5:00 PM - Sarah opens her presents, primarily a very nice selection of lingerie. Jeff and I agree that we need to get married.
5:10 PM - A selection of pins are passed around the party, with each person required to select one and where it for the night. They say things like "Too Hot", "Vamp", and "Flirt". We also put one on, except Leigh, who is too cool. Mine says "Bad Girl".
5:15 PM - We load into the party van, complete with beer-filled cooler, and head off for dinner at The Aquarium in Kemah. In the van, two party games are introduced. One, a scavenger hunt with tasks like "Get a guys boxers", "Get three phone numbers", "Kiss a bald man on the head", and Get spanked by a hot guy". The other is a prize wheel, complete with fancy spinner, with rewards such as "Kiss Sarah", "Buy Sarah a shot", and "Talk dirty to Sarah".
5:35 PM - Arrive at The Aquarioum, where the wait is long because its prom night.
5:40 PM - See a prom girl sitting by herself and try to convince Jeff to go flirt with her. I get nowhere, but Crystal asks what she will get for making out with the girl. Oh, she will fit in just fine.
6:15 PM - Am still waiting, but am enjoying mingling with everyone who I haven't seen in awhile. Buy my first caffeinated drink (coffee and Bailey's) of the evening.
6:20 PM - Cindy again mentions that I should ghost write her memoirs. If I thought I could do it justice, I'd take her up on it in a second. I seriously believe we could sell a million copies.
6:30 PM - Finally are seated. No one seemed to upset, because most people had already worked up a mild buzz.
6:45 PM - Proceed to have the longest dinner ever. I don't remember time specifics or details (I was nearly asleep at the end of the table), but here are some highlights. Sarah taking at least one "sex with the bartender" shot. Playing telephone at the table, with one message changing from "Mary-Margaret is not my girlfriend" to "My name is Glenn and I like to hook up with young girls". Wonder what link in the chain made that mistake? Hearing someone else loudly trying to order "whatever appetizer makes you horny" and immediately making eye contact with Jennifer (got to love New Orleans). Immediately ordering a plate of oysters to split with Blake. Scaring the hiccups out of Sarah. Discussing what its like to go out with Jeff (with Blake).
9:45 PM - Return to van and head into town to pick up Kevin and Aaron.
9:50 PM - Fresh beers are distributed throughout the van. Someone makes the fateful suggestion that we use the Sarah prize wheel.
9:51 PM - Susan goes first and spins "Buy Sarah a drink". That'll have to wait.
9:52 PM - Jennifer spins "Talk dirty to Sarah". She fails to follow through, even though she was one of the people who created the wheel. Wuss.
9:53 PM - Leigh spins "Kiss Sarah". Leigh agrees, as long as we turn the van light off. They start to kiss, and I immediately turn the van light on.
9:55 PM- Blake spins "Buy Sarah a shot". This isn't working. A new rule is instituted.
9:56 PM - New rule: Spin until it comes up on "Kiss Sarah". We all play along.
10:05 PM - Blake, Michelle, and Jennifer start taunting us that the back row of the van rules. To prove this, Jennifer and Michelle start making out with Blake sitting in between them. Blake looks like Chris Moneymaker after he just won the World Series...his face is mixture of absolute ecstasy and pure disbelief at his good fortune.
10:07 PM - Crystal suggests that we go skinny-dipping in her parents pool later. Susan asks, "who would ever go skinny-dipping with parents there"? A weak chant of "F-U...n" goes up throughout the van. I of course mention the time Cindy grabbed my butt.
10:10 PM - Two bets are made: 1) $1 bet. Who will pass out first? Liz says Leigh, Jeff bets Sarah. 2) $10 bet. Which couple will hook up? Jeff and I each tell a third party who we think it will be. Jeff tells Leigh, I tell Liz "I vote us. I'll split the money with you if we make out right now". She agrees and we immediately proceed to win the bet. At least for the time being...
10:20 PM - Finally arrive at Aaron's house. Proceed to wake all of the neighbors.
10:23 PM - Try to express to Kevin and Aaron what kind of junior high-style orgy just happened in the van. I say, "If twelve-year old Glenn could see me tonight, he'd be very proud".
10:25 PM - I tell Leigh that Liz bet on her to pass out first. This elicits the exasperated response I was hoping for.
10:26 PM- Crystal says, "Jennifer, come to the bathroom so I can show you my boobie things". Jeff and I try our best to follow but the door is slammed in our face.
10:28 PM- Jeff and I have a bra removing contest. We all know what happens next, but Jeff did much better than he used to. You're almost there, big guy.
10:31 PM- We get back in the van and start our trip downtown. I get in the backseat because they seemed to be having the most fun. Michelle, Liz, and Blake join me. Kevin is lamenting the fact that he is sitting in a three person seat by himself, so Liz leaves us and makes it up to him by kissing him. Blake and Michelle insist that Jennifer join us in the backseat since she was part of "The Originals".
10:32 PM- Us backseaters waste no time in making out...only thing surprising about it is that is the couplings...Michelle and I & Blake and Jennifer.
10:33 PM- Michelle make it through most of a real kiss without laughing, but that couldn't last too long. I truly believe that it would be physically impossible for us to really make out. She's my counterexample to the Harry met Sally principle.
10:35 PM- We joke that this is like a swingers; double date from two months ago. Blake and I joke that we traded baseball cards and bubble gum for Jen and Mirv. Then we each kiss the other girl for old time's sake.
10:36 PM- Blake and I successfully encourage Jen and Michelle to kiss more, and we each kiss their necks to make the backseat orgy more reality than fiction. (Sorry if this is getting a little me-centric...I was a little too distracted to notice other things going on).
10:50 PM- We arrive downtown and go to the club Suede.
11:00 PM- They are giving away free ice block red bull and vodka shots outside...
11:10 PM - Jeff sees a girl he knows and goes over and talks to her. I follow a few minutes later and am introduced to his recently divorced former neighbor/ex-high school girlfriend Jessica. Sadly, I seem more intrigued by this fact that Jeff is.
11:15 PM - Finally actually make it into Suede, which is pretty dead. Not for long...
11:17 PM- I look over and see Crystal and this short, round black girl grinding on the dance floor. All sixty people at the bar are watching and enjoying.
11:20 PM - Aaron buys a round of drinks (gotta love that in a guy) and we all turn around to see Sarah kissing a bald guy on the head.
11:25 PM - Nearly all of the girls that we are with get up on stage and start dancing. After that, the entire bar becomes much more alive.
11:35 PM - Blake and I decide to have a lap dance contest on Michelle and Jennifer. I'm not sure who won, but I'm pretty sure both of the girls lost. Especially Michelle, since I spilled my drink all over her when I got a little overzealous with my belt removal.
11:40 PM - Is that guy spanking Sarah?
11:45 PM - I go outside with Liz to try to get another ice block shot, but the lady with the alcohol was gone. I decide to do take a shot anyway with the red bull and vodka in my hand, but it was much less rewarding when you know you paid for the drink.
12:00 AM - We round up people to go next door to The Mercury Room. Last time I was there was an infamous night. I'm giddy to try to try to recreate some of that excitement.
12:05 - 2:00 AM - By this point, things are exceptionally fuzzy. Highlights that I remember: Everyone (even me) grinding with everyone else. And yes, everyone includes Cindy. Noticing a group of much cooler people pointing at us and laughing. Crystal lamenting the fact that "grinding with Jeff makes (her) wet". Telling Sarah that I hope she enjoyed her last big night out before marriage and having her respond that she "can't wait the be in Jennifer and (my) wedding someday". Uhhh, yeah. Watching people disappear for a while and gossiping about whether they were off in a dark nook somewhere. Standing back and trying to figure out if a train wreck was about to occur or not. Waiting to see when Kevin would turn into BelligiKev.
2:15 AM - Back in the van. More drinking and more kissing, but much, much, much tamer.
2:25 AM - Use the pick-up line "We're like JD and Elliot on Scrubs. We have to hook up once a season to keep our fans watching." Well, something like that, but with more slurred words.
2:50 AM - Drop off Crystal. Don't go skinny-dipping with her parents as she suggested.
3:00 AM - Stop at Taco Cabana. Oooooh, tortillas.
3:02 AM - Blake suggests pulling a Rob (urinating all over the TC's walls). We all laugh.
3:04 AM - Inadvertently pull a Rob. Don't tell anyone until now.
3:25 AM - Get back to Sarah's house.
3:30 AM - Chug mini-bottles of alcohol with Aaron and Jeff.
3:45 AM - Passionately argue with Aaron about who is better, Kevin Garnett or Tim Duncan. Have little recollection about which side I argued.
4:10 AM - Kick Leigh out of the bed she claimed. Haven't done that since December. Of course she has been in Europe since December...
4:15 AM - Fight Michelle and Blake away from the bed I want.
4:20 AM - Jeff steals Michelle's air mattress. The best efforts of she and Blake can't budge him.
4:25 AM - Liz decides to drive home, so she can pack for her 9:30 AM trip to South Padre. What a champ.
4:30 AM - Michelle stealthfully lets the air out of Jeff's air mattress.
4:35 AM - Kevin is heard drunkingly muttering to himself something about "all of you fuckers pairing up".
4:40 AM - Split pot on earlier bet. Not that I am complaining...
