1-28-04 - A Year Remembered
1-27-04 - Chien's Guest Column
1-25-04 - Bed Buddy Thoughts
1-15-04 - Date Application Page
1-12-04 - The Wager, Part 2
1-9-04 - Thoughts
1-7-04 - The Wager
Archives
The Oscar nominees were announced on Tuesday, so I figure that it is about time that I get to my movie rankings. Just like last year, I will rank them in order from my least favorite to most favorite. This has nothing to do with cinematic merit...it all has to do with how much I personally enjoyed each movie. I still have yet to see 21 Grams, Whale Rider and Monster, so this list is far from complete. To do something different, I'll continue to update this column as I see more movies from 2003. To qualify, a movie had to have its widespread U.S. release in 2003. Like last year, the rankings will be a little bit top heavy...I tend to go see movies that I think I am likely to like. Let me know if you think that any of my rankings are ridiculously out of place.
28 HOURS I WILL NEVER HAVE BACK
77) Bringing Down the House - Wow, wow, wow was this movie outdated. It looked like some kind of "Understanding different races" movie that might have been made in 1988. It was borderline offensive. Steve Martin...Eugene Levy...even Queen Latifah...what were you thinking? The worst part is it was the 11th highest grossing movie of the year.
76) Duplex - Once upon a time Drew Barrymore was cute and chaming. Ben Stiller once was edgy and funny. This movie makes you
1) "Stop Dat" - Dizzee Rascal
2) "Round the Globe" - Nappy Roots
3) "Bad Detective"- The New York Dolls
4) "Radio" - Teenage Fanclub
5) "What to Do" - Ok Go
6) "My Funny Valentine"- Billie Holiday
7) "Wasted & Ready" - Ben Kweller
8) "Nitemare Hippy Girl" - Beck
9) "We Own Everything"- Panic in Detroit
10) "Boys in the Band - The Libertines
75) Gigli - After this movie became the most overused punchline of 2003, why didn't I rank it as the worst movie of the year? Well, it is highly possible that I would have, if I wouldn't have slept through the middle hour of the movie. Most of what I saw was laughably bad...I am ashamed that I used to defend Ben Affleck.
74) Bad Boys II - Has anyone seen Six Degrees of Separation? Once upon a time Will Smith acted, instead of just cashing $20 million dollar paychecks. The only thing funny was watching Smith play the crazy one and Martin Lawrence play the sane character.
73) Charlie's Angel: Full Throttle - Overacting and ridiculous plots can be fun if the movie manages to be funny or exciting. Nothing about this movie was...well, except Cameron Diaz in a bikini.
72) Bulletproof Monk - If I were ranking movie strictly on merit, this may have came in last. Fortunately, though, this movie passes to rarified territory...it is so horrifically bad, that it is almost good again.
71) A Guy Thing - I know I saw this movie, I remember renting it, I vaguely remember Julia Stiles and Jason Lee. But for the life of me, I can't remember the plot.
70) Anything Else - I rented this one expecting it to be bad, but I held out a little bit of hope. Woody Allen used to be great...I always kinda liked Jason Biggs...I still have remnants of childhood crush on Christina Ricci...Jimmy Fallon can be funny. But nope, it is lousy.
69) Malibu's Most Wanted - There were a couple of funny bits in this movie. But I think I can live without ever seeing it again.
68) Scary Movie 3 - I kind of like Anna Faris. And there were a few jokes that made me laugh out loud in this movie. There were many more though that made me wince. Why do I keep giving money to this franchise?
67) Hollywood Homicide - I see where they were going with this one, they just didn't get there.
66) The Good Thief - This film was very stylish and there were some interesting moments, but the ending was indecipherable and the acting was shockingly poor.
65) Shanghai Knights - I really like Owen Wilson, so I tend to see everything he is in. Well, I used to.
64) Alex and Emma - Charming, high concept romantic comedy with a surprising ending. Well, surprising if you have never seen a romantic comedy before.
63) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Oooh, 2 Kate Hudson star vehicles in a row. At the risk of emascalating myself, this movie wasn't that bad. It just wasn't that great either.
62) Anger Management - When you pair up Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler, the result could fall anywhere between genius and crap. Disappointing, this movie falls closer to the bottom of that scale.
WATCHABLE, YES,,,GOOD, NO
61) The Matrix Reloaded - Was that the second or the third one?
60) The Matrix Revolutions - Was that the second or the third one?
59) Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star - As endearing as a David Spade vehicle could possibly be.
58) Johnny English - A little funnier than you'd expect, maybe worth a rental if you are babysitting 12-year-old boys or just want to turn your brain off.
57) The Hebrew Hammer - What a weird way to open a movie...first show it for free on Comedy Central and then release it in theatres? Doesn't seem to wise. Despite the retarded marketing, this movie made me laugh quite a bit. I think it would be fair to call it the Jewish Undercover Brother.
56) Head of State - Chris Rock and Bernie Mac can even make this piece of garbage watchable.
55) Intolerable Cruelty - This movie was a letdown...I always put such faith in the Coen brothers. It was weidest enough or cute enough to be as unfunny as it was.
54) Spun - A lot of cool scenes and camera shots does not a good movie make...but at least it was interesting.
53) The Guru - Ahh, what a premise. A struggling Indian actor becomes a famous relationship guru by giving relationship and sex advice that he learned from the porn star he is in love with. This Bollywood send-up/homage is pretty enjoyable, overall.
52) American Wedding - If I didn't already know the characters and have some affection for them, this movie would ahve ranked a lot lower.
51) Blue Car - This critically acclaimed movie came across as a little dry to me. The acting was good, the story tragic, but I just felt numb during the whole movie.
50) Bend it Like Beckham - Stupid Keira Knightley...for almost making me like this ridiculous, over the top attempt at a feel good movie.
49) Stuck on You - Kind of sweet in a way, but just not really that funny for a slapstick comedy.
48)The Battle of Shaker Heights - The movie was light and meaningless and you wonder what the Project Greenlight guys saw in it to choose it, but they casted it well. Like every magazine said for a while, Shia Lebouf is going to be a star.
47) S.W.A.T. - Very average, predictable, moderately exciting Colin Ferrell movie.
46) The Recruit - Very average, predictable, moderately exciting Colin Ferrell movie, Part 2.
45) Once Upon a Time in Mexico - Johnny Depp's character alone allows the movie to rank this high...the rest of the movies was a little stupid.
44) The Real Cancun - Remember all of the buzz that this movie had when it was released? Did anyone see it other than me? If you like the Real World, you'd likely this movie. Same goes if you like boobies.
GOOD, BUT FAR FROM GREAT
43) Down With Love - I would not recommend this movie to anyone...it wasn't that bad, it was endearing in its own way, but it was just kind of unnecessary. As you can tell...I'm having trouble putting it into words.
42) Identity - I think there was a truly great movie inside of this one just waiting to come out, but it couldn't find its way to the surface.A fun cast, but a sloppily handled conclusion.
41) Bruce Almighty - Funny in places, this movie would have been better if I hadn't seen the trailer.
40) Love Actually - I am enough of a sucker to fall for romantic drivel like this...a movie that I liked more than I can comfortably admit so it got slotted down a few places due to my shame.
39) Better Luck Tomorrow - Good movie, interesting concept, it plays out like a Dave Wang fantasy. The ending was so unbelievable though that it became almost laughable.
38) Phone Booth - Taut, suspenseful movie that slightly strained credibility. Bonus point for Katie Holmes sighting.
37) Runaway Jury - The type of watchable, inconsequential movie that I imagine I'll be watching weekly on HBO in nine months or so.
36) The Secret Lives of Dentists - Possibly the most real movie I saw all year...presents marriage and adulthood in a very terrifying light. The acting is top-notch. Just a little slow and unfulfilling.
35) Owning Mahowney - Another well-acted movie. An interesting story that made me fear the casinos even more than I already did.
34) A Mighty Wind - I usually love Christopher Guest movies, but I found this one to be a little bit of a letdown. Eugene Levy was fun to watch, though.
33) Swimming Pool - Best nude scenes I saw all year. A surprising ending that I did not see coming. And the slowest first forty minutes of any movie I saw this year.
32) Finding Nemo - Charming little $300 million dollar blockbuster.
31) The Italian Job - Fun, ridiculous movie. Good movie when you are looking for nothing too challenging.
30) Wonderland - Grimy, movie with all sorts of undesirables. Pointless and slow in spots, yet still manages to be interesting.
29) 28 Days Later - I know a lot of people who complained about this movie, but I found it chilling. Shot in a very interesting way. Definitely some logical lapses in parts, but overall pretty solid.
28) Master and Commander: Far Side of the World - How did it get nominated for Best Picture? Russell Crowe dresses up as a pirate Steven Seagal and has himself a grand old time. Paul Bettany is a personal favorite as he centers this movie, and I liked it overall. But Best Picture? Are you kidding me?
27) Pieces of April - Nice ensemble piece...felt almost more like a play than a movie, but it was quite charming.
26) X2 - I'm not always much for superhero movies, but I thought this one was a lot of fun.
25) Capturing the Friedmans - Very well done documentary that leaves you with more questions than answers. See it, if you can stomach the subject matter
24) L-Auberge Espagnol - This one was a little bit a victim of my own inflated expectations. I thought I would love this movie, instead I was left with lukewarm feelings. I definitely liked it, but I found it slow in parts.
23) The Cooler - This movie was much more intense than I expected. Alec Baldwin and Maria Bello were very good, but William H. Macy was really weak in the lead role. Another good, could ahve been great, movie.
22) Thirteen - This movie is a pedophile's wet dream. So I really enjoyed it.
21) Confidence - I always have liked con movies, and this one was pretty sharp. Just don't think too hard, though, or you might notice some major plot flaws.
20) The Last Samurai - At times this movie was moving, at other points it was utterly ridiculous. Overall, though, it is worthy of a rental.
BEST OF THE YEAR
19) Spellbound - Who would have thought they could make an engrossing documentary about the Spelling Bee? It is a little disturbing to see sixth graders smarter than me.
18) Bubba Ho-Tep - How can you not like a movie about a man who thinks he is Elvis Presley and a mang claiming to be JFK (he's black) living together in a retirement home and fighting off an evil soul-sucking mummy?
17) American Splendor - A slice of Americana that manages to be both funny and sad. Not to everyone's taste but I really enjoyed it.
16) The Station Agent - Well-acted movie about three very lonely people. Sounds depressing, but it is actually engaging and often quite funny.
15) Cold Mountain - A little too episodic and melodramatic for my tastes, but it is engrossing.
14) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Here's another movie that Johnny Depp completely saves. Without his hilarious performance, I don't know if this movie would rank in my top forty.
13) Matchstick Men - I am generally a Nicholas Cage-hater, but I really enjoyed this movie in spite of him. This is another one that I imagine I will be watching regularly on HBO in the future.
12) The Quiet American - A very well-paced, intriguing movie. Now that I think about ti, this may have been released in 2002...but it is aaready ranked, and I don't feel like going back through and renumbering this column.
11) Old School - You have all seen it...I don't really think there is much I could add.
10) Dirty Pretty Things - Intense, weird movie that shows another side to the immigration issue, this time in the U.K. Rent it when it comes out.
9) Buffalo Soldiers - Very, very dark comedy. Ending issues, but I recommend this movie to everyone.
8) Bad Santa - I know the trailer looks stupid. I know Billy Bob Thornton can be grating. Despite that, see this movie! I laughed harder at this than anything else I saw all year. You get the feeling throughout that Terry Zwigoff (Ghost World, Crumb) couldn't believe what he was getting away with.
7) The Shape of Things - Stagey, with some really poor performances from basically everyone except Rachel Weisz. Why is it this high? The writing and plot are good enough to excuse any other missteps.
6) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - I am not much of a fan the series, I can quibble with lots of details, but I ahve to admit that this movie was absolutely triumphant. A shoo-in for best picture, despite the academy's normal avoidance of fantasy movies.
5) Kill Bill: Vol. 1 - I can't wait for part two...once you get over the obscene amount of blood, this movie was a whole freaking lot of fun.
4) Big Fish - I know I enjoyed this movie a whole lot more than the three people I saw it with. I always am a sucker for anything with father-son issues...maybe that should tell me something. I think anyone who buys into the fantasy will like this movie.
3) Lost in Translation - Funny, but not uproarious. Romantic without being sexy. Touching without being schmaltzy. Bill Murray, Scarlett Johannson, and Sofia Coppola all deserve their Oscar nominations.
2) School of Rock - My rankings from 2-11 are all pretty arbitrary. I really liked them all, but I can't say any one movie stood out beyond the others for me. So why is this movie so high? First, it was the one movie I feel I could recommend to anyone. Most of the movies in my top 10 could be hated by some of you...I don't see how this one possibly could. Second, this movie was just a joy. I think I left this movie happier than anything else I saw all year.
1) Mystic River - I finally got around to seeing this movie and found it to be more affecting than anything else I saw this year. I have read the criticisms...that there are too mant coincidences, that it is over-acted, that was clumsily directed. Even acknowledging these flaws, I still found it to be a masterpiece.