The search for my biological mother was long, and grueling. I encountered many obstacles, and discovered a lot of horrible information along the way. Throughout the whole process I had to remind myself that it was all the past, and what mattered now, was finding her.

My search began in 1994 on the AOL Adoption board. My son had just been born and I was determined to find the answers I had longed to know for so long. I wanted to learn about medical history so I could protect my son, and I wanted to learn about my biological mother for my own selfish reasons. Selfish reasons I wouldn't change now at all. I met many wonderful people on the adoption boards, but three stand out clearly in my mind.

Terry was a biological mother who had given up her daughter, and was trying to locate her and learn about her life. Unfortunately for Terry, because of the adoption laws in place, she had no chance for several more years of actually contacting her daughter. We talked through agonizing hours of emotional pain, from both of us. She hurt because she could "see" her daughter, and "watch" her from a distance, but she could not "touch", or "hold". My ordeal was painful because I longed for a mother like her. I wanted to discover along the way that I was being looked for. That I had never been forgotten. Terry and I leaned on each other, helped each other and became good friends. There were many times I would have given up if it hadn't been for her.

Daria, who is still a dear friend of mine, was "almost" a biological mother in the triad. She had given birth to a beautiful baby girl she named Jenna. She was going to relinquish Jenna because she was so young and didn't think she could take care of her. As we all know, teenage mom's have odds stacked against them dramatically. She gave Jenna up for a couple of days and came back to get her. Thankfully her case worker KNEW Daria wasn't sure about this and no permanent placement had been sought yet. Jenna is now a happy, beautiful, healthy, gorgeous, amazing, wonderful young woman. I am so happy to have been a part of her life and watched her grow. Daria was one of the lucky one's. She knew she couldn't do it and made a choice to keep her daughter. Why then, was she on an adoption board? Daria's husband is an adoptee. She was helping him find his biological parents. Daria and I are both writers and we shared many poems, and thoughts during that time. I am thankful for her addition to my search!

Last but certainly not least, Bret. I would have gotten no where in my search without Bret. Bret owns a company called Reunion Station. He contacted me and told me he had never done an adoption case before. His business was to reunite family members and friends that had been separated by time and couldn't find each other again. He had never helped an adoptee search for the biological roots. I was his project, and if I wasn't - I wouldn't be where I am today. Bret spent long, grueling hours, pouring over the information I gave him. He ran searches, and background checks. He cross-referenced people and gave me "assignments" to help him along. I will never forget the help Bret gave and the fact that the cost was nothing. Of course the reward, was everything. So a VERY special and emotional thank you goes out to Bret, for his help in finding what I had always wanted. And for guiding me and leading me through the process. For being my support and my shoulder to cry on, during one of the most emotional ordeals of my life. Thank you Bret. Forever. I know that my biological mom thanks you too!

In Progress!! The WHOLE story from beginning to end. How did I find my bio mother? What resources did we use? How did I know? When did we meet? All those questions will be answered! Check back!

Chapter 1 - The Internet

The beginning was a difficult time. It was a touchy subject between my adoptive mother and I, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset her. I was HER daughter and that was all that should have mattered. But unfortunately, as most adoptee's know, it isn't all that matters. Because we do have a place that we came from. And we do need to seek out that information. Well, most of us do. I began the whole process by gathering as much information as I possibly could. I requested my original birth certificate (which I never received), I requested my hospital records (they came with her name blacked out), and I requested any information on my biological mother from the State of Missouri (all they could tell me was brown hair, blue eyes, 5'5, 110lbs. - because that narrows it down - really!). So I basically started from scratch.

I wasn't quite 21 years old when I began my search. So in the state of Missouri, I wasn't old enough to search. But that was ok because I was living in Texas anyway. So most of the foot work could be done at our local library. We were living in Dallas, and I was born in Houston, which are approximately four and a half hours drive from each other. We went often to Houston for my ex husband work, so it was easier than I at first thought. I immediately joined the internet, adoption boards and email groups. The Adoptee's Internet Mailing List (AIML) was a HUGE support for me at the time. It has changed and grown dramatically since back then in '94, but I would still recommend it to someone searching. I also immediately found the AOL adoption boards (Which again were dramatically different back then). I started out by just posting the info I had: my birthdate, time of birth, city and state of birth and anything else I Could think of. While I waited to hear from people, I posted my own personal poems, and also commented on, and read others works. It wasn't long before Bret contacted me. In fact, within 2 days - I met Bret, Daria AND Terry online! Too funny how that worked! Terry looked up my birthdate in a huge book of births in Houston (where she lived). She was able to find me rather quickly because I was not named at birth, so I was listed as Baby Girl, *********. Of course at that point I still did not know if this was ACTUALLY me or not. But the last name was almost enough proof. As I was growing up, my adoptive mother, bless her heart, I guess gave me links without knowing it. She pushed the french language on me, and told me at least twice that I had french blood. Interestingly, from what I now know, it really isn't much - but I used that and compared it to the last name and guess what - we were pretty sure that was me! Unfortunately we did have to use some deceit to get other information, for instance - Terry became my "biological mother", in order to request my biological mother's hospital records, from my birth - but sure enough, they linked us together. They had not inked out ALL the pertinant information in MY file, because there were two spots where they linked us (I'm sure they did not purposely forget to ink those out!). I then requested my adoption decree, and relinquishment papers from the state of Missouri (I was 21 by the time we moved to Texas). They refused and said that I had to get BOTH sides to agree to release them. Oh for goodness sakes, now don't you think if I knew where my biological mother was, I would not need to request them? Sheesh this world is nuts! And by the way, if you're wondering - closed adoptions suck too! Needless to say this was not something I felt I could ask my adoptive mother for, without hurting her, and so I chose not to, and we used a different route. There was a male with the same last name listed in the hospital records so we used him. (since most males NEVER change their last names). Well, that is how the whole thing got started.

Chapter 2 - Houston Footwork

We took that name and Bret cross-referenced the name to see if any other names linked with it. Sure enough, we came up with a woman named Linda R. She was linked to him in a couple of places, which means they purchased property together, or co-signed together on a loan, etc. Using this woman's name, Bret ran her through a database that pulled up two known locations where a Linda R. lived. Both addresses were in the Houston area, close to each other, though one was in Magnolia. Approximately two weeks after I got this information, I was able to travel to Houston to do our footwork. Terrie welcomed us with open arms and became my best friend during this time. She was so supportive and carted us all over Houston to check out all the locations we wanted to see. First stop was the easiest - the address where my biological mother lived when she was pregnant with me. I took photos, and we found the exact apartment. Obviously we did not go in, but standing outside the door, gave me a sense of closeness to her - knowing that once she was inside. From there we left and Terrie took us to Heights Hospital which is really no longer in use as a regular hospital. But it was open and we did go in, and unfortunately it has changed SO much that we were unable to find the room numbers that corresponded with my hospital records. We took pictures outside instead. From there we had my adoptive parents attorney's address. We went to the building but it was falling apart, and was apparently not in use, and hadn't been for some time. Still, I took photos and closed my eyes and thought of her, having to deal with this horrid man, and knowing she was handing over her baby. Did she care? Did she cry? Wow....what thoughts enveloped me at that time! We got out of there rather quickly.

Deep breath, now it was time to go find these two address', where my "relative" was known to be living with this Linda R. The first place we came to was a beautiful neighborhood, nice large, gorgeous houses. We got out and walked around, and I felt nothing. I felt weird about walking around someone's property, but I just did not feel a "connection" and I was so sure I would. We went to the door but nobody was home. So we hopped into the car and drove out towards Magnolia, Texas. I loved the name of that little town. Magnolia was one of my favorite words when I was a VERY young child....funny how that came to mind...and there was simply no connection. As we turned onto the street, I suddenly found myself gasping for air. I got dizzy and very nervous. NOTHING like I had experienced at the other house. We pulled up outside a little trailer and I surveyed the property. I knew this was it. I felt in my bones, in my mind, in my heart....this was it. Suddenly I felt like crying because I was so dang terrified. Thank the good Lord for Terrie....she kept me sane. She decided to play the role of an old friend of my birth mother's from school and see where that took us. And so we approached the door of this little trailer. *knock* *knock* - waiting.... waiting.... swallowing.... breathing... "remember to breath, nicole"... there's a noise! oh goodness there is a noise from within! There is someone home!!!! And the panic sets in. I am really struggling to maintain my cool, but I am about to freak. And the door swings open - and this woman is standing there....and she asks "Can I help you?" (she was nice). "Yes, we are looking for a Bradley D." Terrie says, cool as a cucumber. I'm feeling more like a squash as I hear this woman's next words "You've got him" looking back over her shoulder "Hey Brad ... people here for you.". And she walks away from the door. *Deep Breath*, "Seriously Terrie I'm going to pass out".... "no you're not...let me talk". And a shadow falls across the doorway.

Chapter 3 - Grandfather's Eyes

As I look up into the doorway, my heart stops. I look back towards the car for a moment to catch my breath and catch the eye of my ex husband, whom I knew had to see what I saw. Standing before me was a man, who there was no doubt was related to me. None. The eyes, the face, holy crap! Those eyes. My grandfather's EYES! Oh my gosh! They were sooo blue...and so gorgeous and I wanted to cry, but instead, I just stood there - having no idea what to say, trying to hear Terrie talk, but being so caught up in my mind, I knew I couldn't hear a thing. I know she told him we were looking for his daughter Robin... she was an old friend from school ... I hear someone says "haven't seen her since she was 25 and left home", I swallow... I dare to look back into his eyes. I do, he looks at me. I look away. I cannot disguise how much I am moved, but thankfully he does not pick up on it ... or if he does, he does not mention it. I hear more. He's sorry he can't help us find her. He's not seen her for so long. She has children and moved away to Pennsylvania. He tried to find her but she didn't want to be found. Red flags go up inside my head. Why?!? Why wouldn't she want to be found. He answers the questions in my head... He wasn't a good father... He did bad things... He's sorry for them now... She ran away... He can't find her... He misses her and knows he did wrong.... And on and on. Terrie is taking some notes at this point, I am not paying attention at all. I am TOTALLY hypnotized by those cerulean blue eyes. And then I realize everyone has stopped talking and Terrie is looking at me. I realize that it's now... Now or Never. I look at her, she nods to let me know it's time. I turn back towards my Grandfather and the dam breaks, as I sob uncontrollably "I....I'm your grand-daughter". The look that flashes in his face is unmistakeable... recognition... of course... this girl standing before him looks like his daughter... is it? It must be? And so we begin the question and answer period. I ask him questions, he answers. He asks me questions, I answer. And it is determined VERY quickly that we are indeed related, and he is indeed my Grandfather, and I was staring at my OWN eyes! We left shortly after that, and promised to return the next day. He said he would go through his things and find pictures, letters, address', anything he could find to help. But only one words stuck out in my head. Pictures. He was going to find a picture of my biological mother. A woman I had dreamt about since before I can remember. A woman who I needed desperately to see, to touch, to find. I had to know. I had to know how she felt. I had to understand.

Coming Jan 2006, Part 2 of Grandfather's Eyes

Chapter 4 - Bret's Magic

*Coming Feb 2006*

Chapter 5 - The Letter

*Coming March 2006*

Chapter 6 - A Brother, Like No Other

*Coming April 2006*

Chapter 7 - Runaway, Home, Little Sister

*Coming May 2006*

Chapter 8 - A Dream Is Shattered

*Coming June 2006*

Chapter 9 - The Fog Has Lifted

*Coming July 2006*

Chapter 10 - Ties That Bind, a reunion story

*Coming August 2006*

Chapter 11 - Bittersweet Goodbyes and the aftermath

*Coming August 2006*

Chapter 12 - Sister's by chance, Friends By Choice - a reunion story

*Coming September 2006*

Chapter 13 - Where Do We Go From Here?

*Coming September 2006*

Stay tuned - as before the end of 2006, the whole story will be complete!