ACT II

 

Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen & Living Room – Same Night

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy and Phil Rosenthal)

 

Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert and Amy are sitting in their respective places at the kitchen table. 

 

AMY

Well Debra.  I don’t know how you’ve done it all these years.

 

MARIE

Done what?

 

AMY

Her ability to compromise and be flexible.  That’s great.  It really is.

 

DEBRA

Amy, it’s not as easy as it looks.  I deal with it by having the hopes that my day will come sometime.

 

  AMY

What do you mean?

 

DEBRA

One day, people just might plan their day around my needs. Like someone’s fifteen minutes of fame.  The love and the glory.  The understanding.

CUT TO:

FANTASY

 

 

 

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME MOMENT

 

Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo, standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a spotlight focused on him.

  

PHIL ROSENTHAL

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, the lovely and talented, Ms. Debra Barone.

 

FADE TO:

 

Debra, standing on the coffee table.  The room is dark except for two side spotlights in rouge and one white center spotlight on Debra.  Debra is dressed in a black spaghetti strap mini dress.

 

DEBRA

(“Roxy” (“DEBRA”))

The name on everybody’s lips

Is gonna be Debra

The lady rakin’ in the chips

Is gonna be Debra

 

I’m gonna be a celebrity

That means somebody everyone knows

They’re gonna recognize my eyes

My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

 

From just some dumb writers wife

I’m gonna be Debra

Who says that housework’s not an art?

 

(Speaking)

You wanna know something?  I always wanted to be on stage.  And now that I’m a celebrity, I’m gonna have me a swell act, too.  Yeah, I’ll get a boy to work with – someone who can lift me up, show me off – oh hell, I’ll get two boys.  It’ll frame me better.  Think “Big,” Debra, think “Big.”  I’m gonna get me a whole bunch of boys.

ENTER Six muscular men

DEBRA

The name on everybody’s lips

Is gonna be

 

MEN

Debra

 

DEBRA

The lady rakin in the chips is gonna be

 

MEN

Debra.  She’s gonna be a celebrity

 

DEBRA

That means somebody everyone knows

 

MEN

They’re gonna recognize her eyes, her hair, her teeth. ..

 

DEBRA

My boobs, my nose

Ooh, ah ah ah

From just some dumb writers wife

I’m gonna be

Sing it!

 

MEN

Debra

 

DEBRA

Who says that housework’s not an art?

 

MEN

They’re gonna wait outside in line

To get to see Debra

 

DEBRA

Think of those autographs I’ll sign

“Good luck to you, Debra”

And I’ll appear in a lavaliere

That goes all the way down to my waist

 

MEN

Here a ring, there a ring

Everywhere a ring a ling

 

DEBRA

But always the best of taste

Ooooh, I’m a star

 

MEN

And the audience loves her

 

DEBRA

And I love the audience.  And the audience loves me for loving them.  And I love the audience for loving me.  And we just love each other.  That’s because none of us got enough love in our childhood.

 

MEN

That’s right

 

DEBRA

And that’s show biz, kid

 

MEN

Oh, yeah.

She’s giving up her humdrum life

 

DEBRA

I’m gonna be

 

MEN

Debra

She mad a scandal and a start

 

DEBRA

And Sophie tucker will cry, I know

To see her name get billed below

 

MEN

Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc…

 

DEBRA

Oooh ah ah ah ah ah

 

Men Exit

 

DEBRA

Those are my boys.

 

END FANTASY:

CUT TO:

 

Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen & Living Room – Same Moment

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy and Phil Rosenthal)

 

Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert and Amy are sitting in their respective places at the kitchen table.

 

DEBRA

You see Amy; you need to hang on tight because you are in for the ride of your life now.

 

AMY

I’m fine Debra.  I love this family.  Quirks and all.

 

MARIE

Quirks?  Are you saying we have quirks?

 

AMY

Oh, don’t get me wrong Marie.  Quirks can be good.

 

 

CUT TO:

FANTASY

 

 

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME MOMENT

Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo, standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a spotlight focused on him.

 

 PHIL ROSENTHAL

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Baron families own Miss Mary Sunshine, Amy.

 

FADE TO:

 

AMY

(“A Little Bit of Good”)

 

When I was a tiny tot

Of maybe two or three

I can still remember what

My mother said to me . . .

 

Place rose-colored glasses on your nose

And you will see the robins

Not the crows

 

For in the tense and tangled web

Our weary lives can weave

You’re so much better off

If you believe . . .

 

That there’s a little bit of good

In everyone

In everyone you’ll ever know

 

Yes, there’s a little bit of good

In everyone

Though many times, it doesn’t show

 

It only takes a

With one another

For under every mean veneer

Is someone warm and dear

Keep looking . . .

 

For that bit of good in everyone

The ones you call bad

Are never all bad

So try to find that little bit of good

 

Just a little, little bit of good

 

Is someone warm and dear

Keep looking . . .

 

For that little good in everyone

Although you meet rats

They’re not complete rats

So try to find that little bit of good!

 

END FANTASY

CUT TO:

 

 

Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen & Living Room – Same Moment

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy and Phil Rosenthal)

 

Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert and Amy are sitting in their respective places at the kitchen table.

 

ROBERT

How was I so lucky to find you

FRANK

That’s a bunch of crap.  All of you.  What keeps this family going is the game of charades.  After forty-five years, I should know.

 

CUT TO:

FANTASY

 

 

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME MOMENT

Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo, standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a spotlight focused on him.

 

PHIL ROSENTHAL

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the man with the secret to life, Mr. Frank Barone.

 

FADE TO:

 

Frank is dressed in long tail tuxedo with top hat and cane.

FRANK

(“Razzle Dazzle”)

Give em’ the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle ‘em

Give ‘em an act with lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate

Give ‘em the old hocus-pocus

Bread and feather ‘em

How can they see the sequins in their eyes?

 

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting?

 

Razzle dazzle ‘em

And they’ll never catch wise!

 

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle

 

Ray, Debra, Marie, Robert and Amy join Frank.  Ray and Robert in black long tail tuxedos, top hats and canes.  Debra, Marie and Amy also in black dresses, silver sequin shoes and canes.

ENTIRE CAST

Razzle dazzle ‘em

Give ‘em a show that’s so splendiferous

 

 

FRANK

Row after row will grow vociferous

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

Give ‘em the old flim flam flummox

Fool and fracture ‘em

 

 

FRANK

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

Throw ‘em a fake and a finagle

They’ll never know, you’re just a bagel

 

 

FRANK

Razzle dazzle ‘em

And they’ll beg you for more!

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle ‘em

Back since the days of old Methuselah

Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-la

 

Give ‘em the old three ring circus

Stun and stagger ‘em

When you’re in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder

They let ya get away with murder

Razzle dazzle ‘em

And you’ve got a romance

 

Give ‘em the old

Razzle dazzle

 

 

FRANK

Razzle dazzle ‘em

Give ‘em an act that’s unassailable

They’ll wait a year ‘til your available!

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

Give ‘em the old

Double whammy

 

 

FRANK

Daze and dizzy ‘em

Show ‘em the first rate sorcerer you are

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

Long as you keep ‘em way off balance

How can they spot you got no talents?

 

FRANK

Razzle dazzle ‘em

 

 

RAY, DEBRA, MARIE, ROBERT and AMY

Razzle dazzle ‘em

 

 

FRANK

Razzle dazzle ‘em

 

 

ENTIRE CAST

And they’ll make you a star!

 

END FANTASY

 

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