ACT I
Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen – Night
(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy and
Phil Rosenthal)
All sitting at the table having an evening
dessert and coffee.
MARIE
I almost
forgot. We were all invited to a wedding next month on the
seventeenth.
DEBRA
The
seventeenth. Oh, sorry Marie, we won’t be able to go.
We’re taking the kids to Connecticut so they can go to
Science Museum with my father.
RAY
We are?
Did I know that?
DEBRA
Do you ever
listen to me?
RAY
Yes. No. I
kind of had something else planned.
DEBRA
Like what?
RAY
Anything.
DEBRA
Ray, you’re
spending some time with us in Connecticut.
RAY
Ma, it
seems I’m busy that day. Sorry.
AMY
You’ll have
to count us out too. The seventeenth is my Mother’s
birthday. We’ll be in Pennsylvania that weekend.
ROBERT
Celebrations with the in-laws. This should be fun.
FRANK
Count me
out too. My calendar is all booked.
MARIE
What
calendar?
FRANK
The one
that keeps me from dressing up in a penguin suit.
MARIE
Well, you
can all just change your plans. We need to go to this
wedding as a family.
ROBERT
Ma. We
have plans.
MARIE
Robbie, you
should especially want to go.
ROBERT
Why is
that?
MARIE
You and Amy
are newlyweds. You can show the bride and groom how happy
you are.
DEBRA
Marie, that
is a lot to ask of us.
MARIE
Oh Debra,
sweetie. You and Ray absolutely need to be there. It’s
very important.
DEBRA
Why?
MARIE
Well, to be
honest. I didn’t want to bring this up, but I think a few
of my relatives didn’t think you and Ray would last more
than five years.
RAY
What? What
are you talking about?
MARIE
Don’t ask
me. I don’t know where people get crazy ideas.
FRANK
Who’s
wedding is this anyway?
MARIE
My Aunt
Ellie’s granddaughter, Katherine.
RAY
We never
got an invitation. Did we Debra?
DEBRA
No we
didn’t.
ROBERT
Neither did
we. Uh, did we Amy?
AMY
No, I
haven’t seen one.
MARIE
(Reaching
in pocket for invitation)
Don’t
worry. It says right here, “Ballrone Family.”
FRANK
Let me see
that. How close are you to Katherine anyway?
MARIE
I’ve seen
her once . . . or possibly twice. I think.
FRANK
She didn’t
even spell “Barone” right. You must mean a lot to her.
MARIE
She’s just
preoccupied with the wedding. Anyway, I need to count on
all of you. Make your Mother proud.
RAY
All right.
We’ll go.
ROBERT
(Following
Ray’s lead)
Okay,
besides, they’ll have cake at the reception. Right?
AMY
Robert,
there will be cake at my Mother’s birthday.
ROBERT
Is it
wedding cake? There is a difference.
FRANK
Cake. Now
you’re talking. I’ll go to the reception.
MARIE
Frank, you
can’t just go to the reception. The ceremony is the most
important part.
FRANK
Tell them
I’m in the bathroom.
MARIE
I can’t do
that. I can’t lie to my family.
FRANK
Chances
are, you won’t be lying.
MARIE
I would
also like to you to bring a nice gift. I don’t want anyone
thinking we’re cheap.
DEBRA
Wait a
minute. We have our own plans. Why do you all do this?
RAY
Do what?
DEBRA
You all
just give into Marie. Just like that without batting an
eye.
CUT TO:
FANTASY
INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME
MOMENT
Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo,
standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a
spotlight focused on him.
PHIL
ROSENTHAL
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen,
the keeper of the keys, Matron Marie Barone.
FADE TO:
Marie,
dressed in a long sequin skirt, wide rim hat and boa, (Mae
West style) is mid point on the staircase and slowly comes
down the stairs. While singing, she is sashaying around the
living room.
MARIE
(“When Your
Good to Mama)
Ask any of
the chickies in my pen
They’ll
tell I’m the biggest mother hen
I love ‘em
all and all of them love me
Because the
system works
The system
called reciprocity.
Got a
little motto
Always sees
me through
When you’re
good to Mama
Mama’s good
to you!
There’s a
lot of favors
I’m
prepared to do
You do one
for Mama
She’ll do
one for you.
They say
that life is tit for tat
And that’s
the way I live
So, I
deserve a lot of tat
For what
I’ve got to give
Don’t you
know that this hand
Washes that
one too
When you’re
good to Mama
Mama's
good to you!
If you want
my gravy
Pepper my
ragout
Spice it up
for Mama
She’ll get
hot for you.
When they
pass the basket
Folks
contribute to
You put in
for Mama
She’ll pull
out for you.
The folks
atop the ladder
Are the
ones the world adores
So boost me
up my ladder, kid
And I’ll
boost you up yours.
Let’s all
stroke together
Like the
Princeton crew
When you’re
strokin’ Mama
Mama’s
strokin’ you.
So what’s
the one conclusion
I can bring
this number to?
When you’re
good to Mama
Mama’s good
to you.
END FANTASY
CUT TO:
Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen & Living Room –
Same Moment
(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy and
Phil Rosenthal)
Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert and Amy are
sitting in their respective places at the kitchen table.
ROBERT
I’m good to
you Ma. That doesn’t seem to work for me.
MARIE
What’s that
Robbie? Did you say something?
ROBERT
Story of my
life. Nobody ever knows I’m around. Nobody. Not even my
parents.
AMY
Oh honey,
yes they do.
ROBERT
I’m sure I
told you about the time we went on vacation and they left me
at the rest area. Didn’t come back for over two hours.
FRANK
How many
times do we have to hear this? Get over it already.
CUT TO:
FANTASY
INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME
MOMENT
Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo,
standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a
spotlight focused on him.
PHIL
ROSENTHAL
Ladies and
Gentlemen, it’s no big deal, but here’s Robert.
FADE TO:
Robert,
dressed in a dark suit is in the middle of the living room.
The room is dark except for a faint spotlight on him.
ROBERT
(“Mister Cellophane”)
If someone
stood up in a crowd
And raised
his voice up way out loud
And waved
his arm and shook his leg
You’d
notice him.
If someone
in the movie show
Yelled
“Fire in the second row
This whole
place is a powder keg
You’d
notice him.
And even
without clucking like a hen
Everyone
gets noticed, now and then.
Unless, of
course, that personage should be
Invisible,
inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister
Cellophane
Shoulda
been my name
Mister
Cellophane
‘Cause you
can look right through me
Walk right
by me
And never
know I’m there . . .
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister
Cellophane
Shoulda
been my name
Mister
Cellophane
‘Cause you
can look right through me
Walk right
by me
And never
know I’m there . . .
Suppose you
was a little cat
Residin’ in
a person’s flat
Who fed you
fish and scratched your ears
You’d
notice him
Suppose you
was a woman, wed
And
sleepin’ in a double bed
Beside one
man for seven years
You’d
notice him
A human
being’s made of more than air
With all
that bulk, you’re bound to see him there
Unless that
human bein’ next to you
Is
unimpressive, undistinguished
You know
who . . .
Cellophane
Mister
Cellophane
Shoulda
been my name
Mister
Cellophane
‘Cause you
can look right through me
Walk right
by me
And never
know I’m there . . .
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister
Cellophane
Shoulda
been my name
Mister
Cellophane
‘Cause you
can look right through me
Walk right
by me
And never
know I’m there
Never even
know I’m there.
Hope I
didn’t take up too much of your time.
END FANTASY
CUT TO:
Int. Ray and Debra’s Kitchen & Living Room –
Same Moment
(Phil Rosenthal, Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie,
Robert and Amy)
Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert and Amy are
sitting in their respective places at the kitchen table.
ROBERT
Face it Raymond, you are the
reason the world rotates.
RAY
Well can it spin a little
faster so you’ll fall off?
MARIE
Raymond, what do you plan to
wear?
RAY
Like Dad says, a penguin
suit. Unless it’s an informal wedding, then, shorts,
t-shirt and a few golf clubs to accessorize.
MARIE
Raymond.
RAY
All right, all right.
MARIE
Could you wear that charcoal
gray suit? It brings out your eyes.
ROBERT
Yea Ma. The whole family goes
to this wedding so they can see Ray’s eyes.
RAY
Sure. I think I can do that.
MARIE
Wonderful. I want my whole
family to see how nice you’ve grown up to be.
CUT TO:
FANTASY
INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM – SAME
MOMENT
Phil Rosenthal dressed in a black tuxedo,
standing in front of a 1930’s style radio microphone with a
spotlight focused on him.
PHIL
ROSENTHAL
Ladies and Gentlemen,
presenting the silver-tongued Prince of the family, the one,
the only Raymond Barone.
FADE TO:
Six women
(dancers) holding large feather fans and dressed in chorus
line attire are lined up the length of the staircase.
CHORUS
WOMEN
(“All I Care
About”)
We want
Raymond
Give us
Raymond
R – A – Y -
M - O – N - D
We’re all
his
He’s our
kind of a guy
And ooh
what luck
‘Cause here
he is .. .
Ray,
dressed in a charcoal gray tuxedo, slowly comes down the
stairs with the women following him to the center of the
living room.
RAY
(“All I Care
About”)
Is
everybody here?
Is
everybody ready?
Hit it!
I don’t
care about expensive things
Cashmere
coats, diamond rings
Don’t mean
a thing
All I care
about is love
That’s what
I’m here for.
CHOURS WOMEN
That’s what
he’s here for.
RAY
I don’t
care for wearing silk cravats
Ruby studs,
satin spats
Don’t mean
a thing
All I care
about is love
CHORUS WOMEN
All he
cares about is love.
RAY
Give me two
Eyes of
blue
Softly
saying,
CHORUS WOMEN
I need you
RAY
Let me see
her standin’ there
And honest,
mister, I’m a millionaire
I don’t
care for any fine attire
Vanderbilt
might admire
No, no, not
me
All I care
about is love
CHOURS WOMEN
All he
cares about is love.
RAY
(Speaking)
Maybe you
think I’m talking about physical love. Well, I’m not. Not
just physical love. There’s other kinds of love. Like love
of justice. Love of legal procedure. Love of lending a
hand to someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow
man. That’s the kind of love I’m talkin’ about. And
physical love ain’t so bad either.
It may
sound odd
But all I
care about is love
That’s what
I’m here for
CHOURS WOMEN
That’s what
he’s here for
RAY
Show me
long raven hair
Flowin’
down, about to there
Let me see
Her runnin’
free and
Keep our
money, that’s enough for me
I don’t
care for drivin’ Packard cars
Or smoking
long buck cigars
No, no, not
me
All I care
bout is
Doin’ the
guy in
Who’s
pickin’ on you
Twistin’
the wrist
That’s
turnin’ the screw
All I care
about is love
CHORUS WOMEN
All he
cares about is love
END FANTASY
