Lonely Nightmares

            “If you ever need me, just call me.”

            “Just call me.”

            Roxanne woke up from the dream, and lay troubled in her bed.  Her heart was pounding, and she knew she had a bad dream, but she couldn’t remember it.

            Her mother called from downstairs, and Roxanne realized that her alarm clock was going off.  She reached over and clicked it off, looking at the time.  6:45.  She was fifteen minutes late. 

            “I’m coming!”  She yelled back to her mom and grabbed the clothes she’d picked out the night before off her dresser.  She threw her clothes on and rushed down the stairs, the smell of bacon greeting her as she neared the kitchen.

            Her mother looked up from the stove as Roxanne sat down.  “How are you feeling today?”

            “Nervous.”

            Her mother laughed.  “Of course you are.  This is your first day of college.”  She dropped two eggs in the pan and then turned toward Roxanne.  “But other than that, how are you feeling?”

            “I’m fine,” she said although the dream left her with an uneasy feeling.  She tried to think back to the first time she started having disturbing dreams.

*

            Roxanne woke from her dream with a start.  She grabbed her covers, pulling them over her as she lay back down.  What a strange dream.  She made a mental note of every aspect of the dream, turning them over in her head to try to decode their secret message.  Finally she gave up, satisfied that it was not a nightmare and having hope that she might dream it again.

            “Roxanne!”  Her mother called from downstairs.

            “I’m coming!”  She threw the covers back and slipped her feet into her slippers, shuffling to the stairs.

            The smell of bacon drifted across the house as Roxanne walked down the stairs to the kitchen.  Her mom stood in her bathrobe over the stove, flipping eggs with a perfect flick of her spatula.

            “Good morning, mom.”  She threw her arms around her mom’s neck and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

            “Good morning, Roxanne.”  She watched as Roxanne grabbed a piece of bacon and stuffed it in her mouth, fanning her mouth.

            “I just took those out of the pan, you idiot.”

            “Well, I didn’t know!”  She held out her plate so her mom could put two perfect eggs on it.

            “Yum,” Roxanne said as she carried her plate to the kitchen table.

            “How are you feeling today?”

            “I don’t know.  I just woke up.”  Did she really have to ask that every morning?

            “I have to talk to the doctor so you need to find out soon.”

            Roxanne shoved a piece of toast in her mouth and closed her eyes.  “Let’s see.  I have a stuffy nose and a headache.”

            “How bad is your headache?”

            Roxanne opened one eye and looked at her mother.  “It hurts.”

            “How bad does it hurt on a scale from one to four?”

            Roxanne sighed.  She hated that scale.  She concentrated on her headache.  It wasn’t too bad at the moment, but she knew it would get worse as the day progressed.

            She opened her eyes.  “Four.”

            Her mother grimaced.  “How are your other symptoms?”

            “About the same.”  She broke the yoke of her egg, reaching to push away a piece of bacon to the edge of her plate.   “Am I going to school today?”

            “Probably not.”  Her mother threw the pan in the sink and then walked to the table with her own plate.  Good, Roxanne thought.  She hated the high school she went to. 

“If your symptoms haven’t improved, we need to call the doctor.”   

            “Alright.”  Roxanne stared down at her plate as she felt the energy drain out of her body.  “I think I’m going to go into the living room to lay down and watch television.”  She pushed herself out of the chair, wondering if she was going to have enough energy to make it there.

*

            Roxanne’s friend, Alex, was parking outside of their house, ready to follow them to the junior college.  One of the few friends she still had from her high school days, Alex had always remained by her side.  He waved as he saw her and rushed to help her carry her bags.

            “How many more bags do you have?”  He raised an eyebrow as Roxanne only smiled at him in response.  “We are going to be able to fit this into two cars, aren’t we?”

            “Three cars.”  Roxanne stuffed a box into the already cramped backseat of her parent’s Ford Taurus.

            “Great.”  He lifted her suitcase into the back of the truck.  “I hope you’re planning on taking all this stuff in yourself.”

            “Of course I am.”  She flung a bag beside her suitcase.  Alex grabbed her shoulders and turned her towards him.  “You know I’m just joking right?  I’ll be happy to help you.  I’m just so glad that you’re able to go to college.”

            “Why?”

            “Roxanne.  It’s a big deal for you to be able to go to college.”

            Roxanne shrugged and grabbed another bag to throw into his truck.  “I don’t see the big deal.  People go to college all the time.”

            “Roxanne.”

            She secured the bag then turned and smiled at him.  “I’m going to get some more stuff.”

            “Okay.”  He watched as she bounced back to the house.

*

            Alex watched as Roxanne climbed the stairs to her house, each step a painstaking journey.  He walked up beside her and put his arm around her shoulder.

            “I’m alright,” she said, but leaned against him anyway.

            “I’m only going to support you.  Do you want me to help you up to your room?”

            “If you don’t mind.”  She braced against the doorframe as he opened the door.  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

            “Don’t be.  It just turned out to be too much for you.  You’re just not ready to go back to school yet.”

            Roxanne’s mother met them at the door.  “Are you alright?"  With a mother’s soothing hands, she felt Roxanne’s forehead then hugged her.  “I’m sorry, baby.  We’ll try again another day.”

            “I think I’m going to go upstairs and take a nap.  Is that okay?”

            “Of course.  Do you want anything to eat?”

            Roxanne shook her head as though it took too much effort to speak. 

            Alex helped her to her room where she collapsed on her bed and fell asleep almost immediately.  She dreamt of monsters trying to grab her and eat her flesh.  She cried out and a hand appeared out of nowhere to pull her to safety. 

           “See?” a voice said.  “All you have to do is call me.”

*

            Thunder rumbled, spreading through her private dorm like a wave and shaking the walls.  Roxanne reached over and turned on her lamp.  She grabbed a book and a blanket and curled up in the corner of her bed.  Alex had gone to his apartment to unload his things.  Her parents had left over an hour ago, the emotional scene bringing pangs of sadness back.  She remembered watching her parents walk down the hall away from her.  She watched until they reached the door, her mother looking back at her and waving.  Then she ran down the hall of the dorm, ignoring the “no running” signs and flung the door open.  She watched as her parents put their arms around each other and walked out of view.

            She had never felt lonelier than inside the cramped dorm room.  She glanced at the cursory job she’d done of tacking posters to the wall, trying to make the room more like home.  Still, the room had an emptiness that would not disappear.  She longed to be back home in her own room, in her own bed. 

            She struggled to hold back tears, determined not to cry.  But the more she looked at the foreign room, the harder it became.  Huge tears began to stream down her face, and she buried her head in her knees and cried, her shoulders shaking.  She could feel her chest begin to tighten, and could almost hear her mother talking.  You have to calm down, or you’ll asthma will flare up.  But instead of calming her down, it made her more upset. 

            She took a deep breath, and it felt like tiny swords puncturing her lungs.  She jumped off the bed and looked through the boxes, trying to find her asthma inhaler.  Finally, she felt it and grasped it in her hands.  Two puffs, and her lungs didn’t feel any better.  Her breath was coming in short rasps.  She wanted to call Alex, but the phone wasn’t hooked up.  She threw the inhaler on the desk and laid flat on her bed.  She concentrated on breathing and resisting the urge to pick up the inhaler again and take more medicine. 

            What a pain, she thought twenty minutes later as she felt her breath start to regulate again.

*

            “You can’t panic!”  Alex loomed over her.  “It’s going to make it worse.”

            Worse!  Roxanne turned her head from side to side, the panic of not being able to breathe overwhelming her.  “I need more medicine.”

            “I can’t give you anymore right now.  You have to wait a little bit longer.”

            “I’m not going to live that long!”

            “Roxanne!”  Her mother sat on the couch beside her.  “You’re not helping anything.  Panicking is only going to make it worse.  You know this.  You’ll be able to take some more medicine in five minutes.  Right now, if you want to be able to breathe, you need to lay still and concentrate on breathing.”

            That’s easy for you to say, Roxanne thought as her chest became tighter.  Still, she tried it.

            She felt Alex lift her inhaler to her mouth, and Roxanne tried to inhale the life-saving medicine.  Slowly, she felt her chest begin to loosen, and her breath begin to regulate again.

            She turned her head to the side and closed her eyes, concentrating on keeping her breath steady.

            “What did the doctor say?”  She heard Alex ask her mom.

            “They say her lung capacity is extremely low.  That’s what’s making her so tired and sleep all the time.”

            “What are they going to do?”

            “They don’t know yet.  They’re going to run some more tests.  Let’s go into the kitchen so she can rest.”

            “Roxanne.”  She felt Alex’s hand on her shoulder.  “We’re going to be in the kitchen.  Lay here and rest.  We’ll come back often and check on you.  Okay?”

            Roxanne nodded her head.

            “We’ll be right here if you need us.”

            Roxanne leaned against the pillow, the attack taking every bit of her energy.  She fell asleep almost immediately. 

            A boy appeared in the corner of the room.  His face was pale, and he had straight blonde hair that fell past his shoulders.  His blue eyes sparkled as he smiled at her and motioned for her to be quiet.  He crossed the room and bent down until he was right in front of her face.

            “Open your mouth,” he said.  She looked at him, horrified, but she did it anyway.  He opened his mouth and began to breathe in her, her chest filling with air.

*

            Roxanne stood outside her room, looking over her schedule.  My first class is History.  She memorized the room number so she wouldn’t have to dig her schedule out again.  She’d only registered for thirteen hours.  She wanted to schedule more, but her mother and Alex were both against it.  You need to start out slow, they both told her.  Then, if you can handle that, increase your hours next semester.  Roxanne knew better than to argue with either one of them so she took the lesser load. 

            She walked out of her dorm where Alex was waiting for her on the steps.  He stood up and smiled at her.  “Are you ready for your first class?”

            She smiled.  “Yes, I am.  It’s been so long since I’ve been to school that I’m excited about it.”

*

            “Are you excited about going back to school?”

            Roxanne stood in the parking lot of the high school.  A strong wind blew her blonde hair across her face.  The clouds were gray and loomed over the school.  It seemed like an omen.  “I don’t like this school.  And I’m mad because they put me at a sophomore level instead of a junior level.”

            “Well, you missed a year of school so they don’t have a choice.”  Alex reached over and grabbed her hand to reassure her.  “But that’s beside the point.  I know.”

            As they walked into the school, Roxanne felt as though every eye was on her.  People looked at her in the hallways, turned from their lockers, walked out of their classrooms to see her make her way to her first class.  She tucked her head down and stared at the floor.

            Alex reached over and lifted her chin up.  “What’s wrong?”

            “Everyone’s staring at me.”

            “Nonsense.”  He put her arm around her and hugged her quickly before releasing her.  “You’re doing fine.”

            “I wish we were in the same class,” she said, finding it impossible to hide her sadness.  Alex was a year ahead of her now as well as all the friends she used to have.

            “I’ll come and get you after my class.  We’re not that far from each other.  Here you go.”  He stopped outside a brown wooden door with the number 156 painted in gold on it.  She stared into the classroom for a moment but didn’t go in.

            “Don’t worry,” Alex said.  “Everything will be fine.”

            She looked at the desks lined in neat rows.  “Alex, did I waste this past year?”

            Alex looked shocked.  “What do you mean?”

            “I hate this school, but I think I should have tried harder to go.  I mean, even though I didn’t want to go to school, I should have still made myself go.”

            Alex pulled her out of the doorway.  “Roxanne, what are you saying?  You had no choice but to miss last year.  You were too sick to come to school.”

            “But I still could have made it,” Roxanne said.

            Alex shook his head.  “No, Roxanne, you couldn’t have.  You couldn’t even get out of bed.”

            She looked at him and smiled.  “I’d better go in to class now.  I don’t want to be late for the first day.  See you after class.”  With a wave she disappeared into the classroom.

            Alex stared after her for a minute.  “Roxanne.”

*

            The darkness enveloped her with its thick arms.  She turned around but every direction she turned only brought more darkness.  She tried to move forward, but it felt as though she was trying to move through tar.  Still, she moved on, each step becoming more painful as she tried to move her feet through the dark tar-like substance.  She stopped, unable to move any farther.  She tried to pick up her feet, but they wouldn’t move.  She cried out, partially because of pain, partially because of fear.

            “Roxanne,” a man’s voice called.

            She lifted her head and looked in every direction but couldn’t see anything.

            “Roxanne,” it said again.

            “Yes,” she cried, frantically.

            “Remember me.”

            She tried to move again.  “Who are you?”

            “Remember me.”

            “Tell me who you are!”

            The voice turned into a female one.  “Remember me.”

            “I don’t know who you are!”

            “Remember me, Roxanne.”

            “Roxanne?”

            She jerked out of the bed with a start, her breath coming in short spurts.  She was soaked with sweat, and she was sure her heart was going to beat out of her chest. 

            “Roxanne?”

            She nearly jumped out of her skin until she realized that the voice was coming from her answering machine.

            “Roxanne?”  Alex’s voice said.  “Roxanne, where are you?  Pick up the phone.”

            She reached over and took the phone off its cradle, switching the answering machine off.  “Hi.”

            “Where have you been?  I’ve tried to call you three times now.  I’m waiting outside your dorm.  It’s cold out here.”

            “I’m sorry.  I was asleep.”

            “Are you going to be able to come to class?”

            “Yea.”  She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock.  It was 7:45.  “I’ll just be late.  Go on without me, and I’ll meet you there.”

            “If you’re not feeling good, you should stay in bed.  I’ll bring you the notes.”

            “No.  I need to go and hear the lecture myself.”

“Okay then.  I’ll see you in a little while.”  The phone clicked off.

Roxanne forced herself out of bed, slipping on her slippers so she wouldn’t touch the cold floor.  She reached into the closet and pulled out some clothes.  She thought about the dream, a strange feeling flowing over her.  What does it mean?  She pushed the dream from her mind and concentrated on getting ready.

*

Roxanne walked through the party, politely excusing herself as she pushed through the crowd.  She walked to a small booth where several people were gathered around it looking at a series of photographs.  A brown-haired boy walked up to her, grabbing her arm gently. 

“Hi,” he said.  He looked away shyly.

“Hi.” Roxanne smiled, assuringly at him.  “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hey you two!”  Roxanne turned to see a woman standing behind the table.  She had long black hair that flowed down her back and seductive lips.  She wore a loose black lace shirt over a black shirt.  She pointed to them with a long slender finger, her red polish shining from the lights overhead.

“Would you like me to draw what your children would look like?”

Roxanne was caught off guard by the question, but the brown-haired boy seemed eager to do it.  Shrugging, she walked up to the table.  “Why not?” she said.

She sat down and stared at them for a moment before closing her eyes.  She took a deep breath and opened them again, grabbing her pencil.  She began drawing them frantically, passing from one paper to the next.

Finally, she looked up at them.  “You will have three children so I made three drawings.  Here they are.”  She laid the three drawings on the table.  Roxanne watched as the brown-haired boy’s face went pale.  She looked at the pictures and nearly threw up.

Three demonic beings stared back at her.  Each was grotesque in their own right with their deformed bodies, long claws, and fangs dripping with blood.  She looked up at the lady in horror, but the lady only smiled at her and laughed.

Roxanne nearly jumped out of bed.  She jerked the covers back and struggled with them for a moment before settling down.  Her heart was beating a mile a minute.  She looked at her clock and saw that it was 6:00.  She ran down the stairs to where Alex was asleep on the couch, having spent the night so he could go with Roxanne to her doctor’s appointment. 

She knelt down beside him, trying to decide whether or not to wake him up.  Finally, she reached out and tickled his nose with the blanket. 

After several attempts, he finally batted the blanket away, opening his eyes slightly.  He crinkled his forehead when he saw her.

“Roxanne?”

“Are you awake?”

He lifted up on one arm.  “I am now, but I’m sure you had nothing to do about that.”

Roxanne looked away.

He leaned closer to her.  “What’s wrong?  Are you sick?”

She shook her head.  “No.  I just had a really bad dream.”

Alex yawned.  “I’m sorry.  But, it was just a dream.  Do you want me to stay with you in your room until it’s time to get up?”

“Yes.  I’m sorry.  I’m scared.”

“It’s alright.”  He gathered his blankets and wrapped them around him.  “Let’s go.”

*

“Alex, do you think dreams have any real meaning in life?”

Alex looked up from the sandwich he was eating.  They were sitting in a small park-like place in the middle of campus eating lunch.  The sun shined brightly in the sky while a nice breeze kept the temperature comfortable.  Alex was sitting on a bench under an overhang while Roxanne stretched out on the grass, determined to get a suntan.

“You used to always think that dreams had real meaning in life.”

She stretched her arms behind her back and closed her eyes.  “I know, but I’ve been wondering lately if I was wrong.”

Alex grabbed a Wendy’s cup from the table.  “I don’t think you were wrong.  Dreams were always important to you.  What made you change your mind so drastically?”

Roxanne reached over and grabbed her own sack of food.  “I don’t know.  I’ve been having some strange dreams lately.”

“About what?”

She shrugged.  “I don’t know.  They’ve just been weird.”  She motioned for Alex’s drink, and he reached over to hand it to her.  “They probably don’t mean anything.”

“Either way, you shouldn’t ignore your dreams.  That’s what you always said.”

“I know.”  That’s why I’m hoping that I’m wrong. 

*

“But you should never ignore your dreams,” Roxanne said as she sat in the floor of her room telling Alex about another dream she’d had the night before.  This time, the blonde-haired boy was stretching his hand out to her begging her to remember him.  She looked at him and told him that she could never forget him.  He smiled, but said nothing, his eyes sad.

“This is the third dream I’ve had about this same person.  Obviously, he has to be someone important.”

Alex stretched out on the floor, covering his eyes.  “Or it could just be a dream.”

“Yea,” she said.  She picked up her dream diary and flipped through the dreams she’d had.  They seemed to be following a pattern, but she couldn’t quite figure out what it could be.  Every time the blonde-haired boy came he either talked about her health, or he was begging her to remember him.  But why?

She turned the page and stopped dead, her heart pounding.  Her.  Roxanne’s blood ran cold as she reread the mysterious lady and her demonic children.  The dream left her with a terrified feeling that she couldn’t quite shake.  Luckily, she hadn’t had any more dreams about her.

She closed her notebook, a wave of fatigue causing her to close her eyes.

“Are you tired?” Alex asked.

She nodded her head and looked at him, her eyes begging to shut again.  “Yes, but I don’t want to go to sleep.”

“Don’t push yourself.”

“I won’t.”  She yawned and closed her eyes again.  “You know what, I think going to take short nap after all.

*

Alex stared down at Roxanne, her face twisted.  Even when she’s asleep, she can’t rest.  He sighed and pushed a piece of hair out of her face.  She jerked, and then settled down again.

He leaned against the headboard, trying to remember when she began having these fits.  They seemed to come out of nowhere, confusing and disturbing.  This time they’d been reading a book for their English Literature class about a lady who was slowly dying.  Roxanne started to get quiet and then she looked as though she was paranoid.  He reached out and touched her arm, and she jerked away from him as though he was on fire.

“Roxanne?”

“Get away from me!”  She retreated into the corner of her bed, grasping at the walls.  She stared at the room as though she’d never seen it before, her eyes wild.  Tears started to form in her eyes, and she started to breathe hard.

Alex stretched his hand out to her.  “Calm down, or you’ll have an asthma attack.”

She stared at him as though he was an alien. 

“Calm down.”

She cocked her head, her eyes becoming distant.  “I’m sick,” she whispered.

Alex nodded his head.  “Yes, you are.”

She shook her head, violently.  “No.”

Alex moved a little closer to her.  “Roxanne, you’re sick.”

“No.”  Tears started to stream down her face.  “I don’t understand!”

Alex reached out and grabbed her and she started to sob uncontrollably.  “It’s okay,” he said, holding her tighter.  After about thirty minutes, she collapsed into a fitful sleep. 

She moaned and turned her head, her arm hitting the wall.  He grabbed her arm and held it close to her body.  “It’s alright,” he whispered and curled up next to her, drifting off to sleep.

*

“It’s a plague,” someone to Roxanne’s right said.  “There’s not a cure for it yet.  And it’s passed on so easily.  All you have to do is touch a person that’s affected with it, and you’ll catch it too.  And it’s deadly.  They say a person will die within three weeks of catching it.”

Roxanne walked up to the supermarket.  The day was bright and sunny and the entire town seemed to be outside enjoying it.  She grabbed a grocery cart on her way to the door, pulling out her grocery list as she walked.

“Excuse me,” a timid voice said.  She turned and saw a young lady, hunched over as though it was taking every ounce of energy she had to stand up.  “Can you help me?  I have the plague, and I don’t know what to do.”

“What would you like me to for you?”

The lady lunged for her.  Before Roxanne could react, the lady had reached over and grabbed her arm.  The lady smiled.  “Now, you have it too.”  With a laugh, she disappeared.

Roxanne woke up in the backyard of her friend’s house, lying in the middle of wild grass and dandelions.  She stood up but only took three steps before collapsing again.  Her three weeks was nearly over and soon the plague would take her life as well.

She closed her eyes, sinking into darkness.  She jerked awake as she felt something on her face.  The blonde-haired boy was leaning over her, his long hair blowing across her face.  He leaned closer as though he wanted to kiss her.

“Don’t,” she said.  “I have the plague.  If you kiss me, you’ll catch it too, and you’ll die.”

“I don’t care,” he said, leaning closer.  “I don’t want you to die alone.”  He leaned down and kissed her.

Roxanne woke up and lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling for several minutes.  She reached over and grabbed her notebook.  These dreams have to mean something.

There was a knock on her door, and her mother walked in, telling her that it was time to get up. 

“I’m up,” Roxanne said.  “I’ll get ready in just a second.”

“What are you writing?”

“I was writing about a dream I had.  It was really strange.”

“Oh, okay.  Don’t take too long though because we don’t want to be late for the doctor.”

“I know mom.”  Roxanne said as her mom disappeared down the hall.  Roxanne scribbled a last few notes down in the notebook before shutting it and putting it in her backpack. 

She thought about the dream as she grabbed clothes out of her closet.  Who are you?  And why are you so determined to save me?  She pulled on her shirt and then stopped in the middle of her room.  And what are you trying to save me from?

*

Roxanne woke up, her head hurting.  She looked over to see Alex lying next to her.

She sat up straight.  “Alex!”

“What?”  He jerked up and grabbed her arm.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  What are you doing here?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Alex, what are you talking about?”

“You had another fit last night.”

Roxanne’s shoulders sagged as though all the energy was drained out of her.  “What started it?”

“I don’t know exactly.”  He reached out and grabbed her English Literature book.  “We were studying this and you went into one.”

Roxanne stared down at her hands.  “What did I do?”

“The same things that you’ve done with the others.”

“Was it any worse?”

“No.”  He reached out and grabbed her shoulders as she began to cry.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s alright,” he said and hugged her.  “Can you remember anything?”

Roxanne thought for a moment then shook her head.  “No.  I can’t remember anything.”  She buried her head in Alex’s shoulder and cried harder.  “It’s okay,” he said.

“Am I going insane?”

“No,” Alex immediately said and held her tighter.  “There’s nothing wrong with you.”  But Alex didn’t know who he was trying to convince more, Roxanne or himself.

*

Roxanne lay in her bed, exhausted.  The midday sun shone through her window and begged to be enjoyed.  She closed her eyes against its pleading.  There was no way she could get out of bed today.

“Would you like me to open the window?”  Alex asked.  He was sitting in a chair beside her bed.

Roxanne gathered her strength, swallowing several times before speaking.  “Yes.”

She heard the whooshing sound of the window opening.  The room was filled with a clean spring breeze.

“Is that better?” Alex asked, returning to her side.

She nodded.  She gave up on speaking.

She heard footsteps walk over to her bed.  “How are you feeling, baby?”  It was her mother.

She wanted to tell her that she was alright, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t say a word.  Instead, only a moan came out.

“That medicine is supposed to make her sleepy,” he mom said.

“Obviously,” Alex said, his voice sounding loud and strange in her sleepy mind.  “Roxanne, go on to sleep.  We’ll be here when you wake up.”

Roxanne nodded her head.

“So now what?”  She heard Alex say.

“She is doing better.  They said that the medicine was going to make her sleepy.”

“But it’s knocked her out.  Her headache has eased and her asthma’s better, but what good is that if she can’t function?”

“I know, Alex.  Unfortunately, this is one of those cases where it’s had to tell which is worse, the illness or the treatment.”

Their voices trailed off as Roxanne drifted to sleep.

She woke up, and Alex and her mom were both gone.  The breeze had picked up, blowing her curtains into the room.  A low rumbling in the distance told her that a storm was coming.

A splitting headache caused her vision to blur.  She shut her eyes, willing the wave of nausea to pass.

She opened her eyes and saw the blonde-haired boy standing by the window, his hair blowing in the wind.

“Help me,” she whispered.

“What do you need?”

“My head hurts.”

Without a word, he moved over to the side of her bed.  He raised his finger until it almost touched her forehead.  He closed his eyes and a white light started to glow from his fingertip.  She closed her eyes as she felt the pain wash away from her.

*

Rain fell hard against her window.  She grabbed a blanket off the end of her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders.  She turned the volume up on the television.  It was two o’clock in the morning, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn the movie off.

Thirty minutes later, the storm was still intense although the lightning and thunder had ceased.  The credits on the movie began, and she reached over to turn the television off.  She sat on the floor for a while, listening to the rain fall on the roof of the dorm.  She felt sad for absolutely no reason.  She tried to find the reason for the sadness but couldn’t find one.  Instead, the sadness grew in intensity until she felt like she was gong to cry.

She jumped up and grabbed a soda from the refrigerator.  She drank furiously as she tried to find the source of her pain.  An image flashed across her mind.  She spun around as though someone was there.  More images started flashing through her mind.  She clasped her hands to her forehead.  The soda fell and hit the floor with a liquid thud.

She moaned and collapsed against the closet door.  What’s happening?  She felt her chest start to tighten and reached for her inhaler, falling against the bed.  She leaned against the bed and tried to relax, but her head began to throb horribly. 

Alex, she thought.  I have to find Alex.

*

“Promise me that if you ever need me, you’ll call me.  Promise me that you’ll remember me.”

“I don’t understand why you keep telling me that.”  Roxanne was sitting on the ground in a field with the blonde-haired boy.  Flowers of all colors were in full bloom around them.  An oak tree towered above their heads, the leaves blowing in the wind and falling gracefully around them.  “I can’t forget you.  I think about you everyday.”  She’d meant for that to be reassuring, but instead it seemed to make him sadder.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

He picked up a blue rosebud.  He waved his hand over it, and Roxanne watched as it bloomed into a full rose.  He set it down in front of her.

 “I have no worries that you will forget me.”  He smiled.  “I know that you will remember me.  But there will be another.”  He picked up a purple rosebud and made it bloom the same way.  He set it down beside the blue rose.  “Who will not remember me.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will one day.”  He raised his hand up when she opened her mouth to protest.  “Write down everything I say.  Promise me.”

Roxanne stretched her hand as the field and the boy slowly disappeared.  “Promise me!”

“I will!”

Roxanne sat up in her bed, thinking about the dream.  She reached over and picked up her dream dictionary, looking up the definition for rose.

Rose (blooming): A flowering of a new aspect of self.

Hmm.  She tried looking up other parts of her dream, the field, the oak tree, but they only produced confusing definitions.  And, of course, there was the blonde-haired boy who remained mysterious still.  She remembered her promise and grabbed a notebook off her desk, writing down every aspect of the dream before she forgot. 

She leaned against the headboard, rereading the dream.  What could it possibly mean?

*

Alex jerked out of bed as there was a knock at the door.  He looked at his clock.  2:30.  Who could be here at this hour?

He walked into the living room as the knocking grew more persistent.  “I’m coming!”

He opened the door a crack and then flung it wide open.

“Roxanne!”

She stood in the doorway, dripping wet from the rain outside.  She wore only a t-shirt and shorts.  She had no shoes on her feet. 

“What are you doing?”  He pulled her into the doorway.  She only moaned in reply.  “Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.”  He put his arm around her and led her into his bedroom.

He searched through his drawers to find some clothes.  “Here, these should fit you.  There’s a towel in the bathroom that you can use to dry yourself off.”

She only stared at him. 

“Hurry before you catch a cold.”

She looked at the clothes and then moved off to the bathroom as though she was walking in slow motion.  He heard the bathroom door slam and paced for several minutes in his room.

Finally, he walked to the bathroom door.  “Roxanne?”  He received no answer. 

“Roxanne, if you don’t say anything, I’m going to come in there.”  After still receiving no answer, he opened the bathroom door and walked in.

Roxanne was sitting on the floor, slumped against the wall, staring into space.  She’d changed into the clothes that he’d given her, but she was shivering madly. 

“Roxanne.”  He picked her up and carried her to his room.  He put her in his bed, wrapped his covers around her.  He ran back into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, carefully wrapping her wet hair in it.  Then, he got in bed beside her and held her close. 

“I’m just trying to get you warm,” he said, but she didn’t seem to care.  After several minutes, she stopped shivering and slowly began to relax.  He looked at her, and she was starting to close her eyes.

“It’s okay.  Go sleep.”

She closed her eyes and drifted into a deep sleep.

*

Roxanne was walking outside, the night surrounding her like a blanket.  She looked up and saw that the moon was full.  Streetlights from the city nearby stood out in the perfect darkness.  Beside her, she could hear the gentle sounds of water.  A breeze lifted papers off the sidewalk and made them dance in strange patterns.  She closed her eyes.  The night had a strange feeling that made her uncomfortable, but she didn’t know why.

She could hear noises ahead of her, and as she got closer, she could tell that it was someone crying.  She saw a metal bench ahead of her, and a figure hunched over.  She walked over to him, and he lifted his head.  She saw that it was the brown-haired boy she’d met at the evil lady’s party. 

He looked at her as she sat down on the bench beside him.  “What’s wrong?”  She asked.

“They threw me out.”  He motioned to a building behind them where there was an obvious party inside.  “They said they didn’t want me.”

“What?”

He started to sob.  “Nobody wants me.”

“That’s not true.”  She reached out and touched his shoulders.  “I want you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”  She leaned over and kissed him.  Slowly, he disappeared as though she had swallowed him.

*

            Roxanne opened her eyes, quickly shutting them again as she was greeted with a terrible headache.  She took a deep breath and immediately went into a coughing spell.

“Take it easy.”

She turned over and saw Alex walking over to the bed.  She looked around in confusion as she realized she was in Alex’s room.

“What am I doing here?”

Alex helped her sit up.  She grabbed her chest as stabs of pain hit her.

“Here’s you inhaler.”

She took two puffs of the inhaler, the taste of the medicine sending her into another coughing spell.  She held the inhaler out in front of her.

“How did you get this?”

“I went to your dorm earlier.  Your resident assistant got it and the rest of your medicine for me.  We can go back in a little while and get some of your clothes if you want.”

She turned the inhaler over in her hand.  “Let me wake up and then I can go back to my dorm.”

Alex sat on the bed, staring at the blanket.  “Actually, I wanted to see if you could stay here with me for a couple of days.”

“What?”  Roxanne sat up, regretting the quick movement as she went into another coughing spell.  “Why would you want me to do that?  What would my mom say?” 

“I think your mom would understand.  We can tell her that you have a cold, and I wanted YOU to stay with me so I could watch over you.”  He picked at a piece of thread on the blanket.  “Roxanne, I’m worried about you.  Your fits are getting more frequent.  You don’t remember anything when you have one.  Do you even remember how you got here?”

Roxanne looked down at her hands.  The last thing she remembered was sitting in her dorm room, taking her asthma inhaler.

Alex reached over and grabbed her hand.  “I’m worried about you.  I want to find out what’s causing these fits.”

Roxanne nodded and sneezed.

Alex laughed.  “Besides, I don’t think we’ll be lying if we told your mom that you had a cold.”

She laughed and then turned serious again.  “I just wish I could remember.”

“You will.”  He reached out and grabbed her hand.  “I promise.”

*

Roxanne stared at Alex.  “Your eyes are blue.”

Alex didn’t look up from the magazine he was reading.  “I didn’t realize that.  Thanks for informing me.”

“No, I’m serous.  I never noticed how blue your eyes were before.”

He glanced up at her with a look that told her to change the subject.  He looked back at the magazine.  “Have you had any more dreams?”

“No.”  She looked out the window where a bird had just landed on a branch.  She frowned.  “I haven’t had one in five days.”

“I’m sure you’ll have another one soon.”

“You’re probably right.”  She thought back to the dream she’d had with the roses.  She was still trying to figure it out.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t had any more dreams.  Maybe it was important that she figure that dream out before she had any more.  If that were so, she wouldn’t have any more dreams for a while. 

She shook her head.  Maybe I am going crazy.  I mean, it’s just a dream, isn’t it?

*

A thick fog surrounded her.  She held her hands out in front of her, but she couldn’t see them.

“Hello?”  She said, but her voice became lost in the fog, which seemed to be closing in on her, smothering her.

“Hello?”  She said again, panic in her voice. 

“Just call me,” a voice said.

“What?”

“Just call me.”

“Who are you?”

“Remember.”

Roxanne grasped at the covers of the bed, unable to breathe.  She felt hands holding her down and grasped at them, clawing and hitting them.

“Roxanne!”  She recognized that voice.  “Roxanne, open your mouth!”  She felt her mouth being forced open and air rushed into her lungs.

She started to relax.  She opened her eyes and saw Alex standing above her.  “Are you alright?”  He asked.

She pushed the covers back and sat up.  “Yea, I’m fine.”

“You just couldn’t breathe out of your nose.”  He lay down on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm.  “What were you dreaming about?”

She gripped the edge of the bed.  “I don’t remember.”

*

Roxanne laid on her bed, watching as people lived normal lives on the television.  She stared at her closet, wanting desperately to clean it out, but she didn’t have the energy to do it.  The day had taken every bit of her energy and now she was confined to lying in her bed.  And for nothing.  The doctors told her that same thing they always told her.  You should be feeling better.  The medicine should be making you feel better.  What do they know?  She knew her body better than they did.

A slow song began to play on the television, and she felt herself falling asleep.

Roxanne felt as though she was walking through a castle.  The gray stonewalls were interrupted only by wooden doors that stretched up to a ceiling that disappeared into the darkness.  Swords hung in cross patterns under red banners.

She continued to walk, but she felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere.  She kept seeing the same doors, the same swords, and the same banners.  She walked faster, but she still didn’t get anywhere.

“What it this?”  She said but received no answer.  She began to run.

“Help me!”

Her stomach lurched as she was pulled in the air away from the hallway.  She screamed as she was pulled higher and higher up.

Finally, she stopped in a bright room where she was dropped roughly on the floor.   She could hear wind blowing through the empty room.  She looked around and saw the blonde-haired boy standing in front of a giant picture window, his hair blowing in the wind.

He turned to her.  “What do you need?”

“I don’t have enough energy to do anything,” she said.  “Please help me.”

Sadness washed over his face, and he turned back to the window.  “I can’t help you.”

“What?”  She straightened her shoulders.  “You told me that if I ever needed you, to call you and you would help me.  I need energy.”

“I can’t give you that.”

“Why?”  She jumped to her feet.  “But I need that.  I need that more than anything.  If I had energy, I could do anything.”  Tears started to form in her eyes.

The blonde-haired boy walked over to her and stood in front of her.  “I can’t help you if it’s going to hurt you.”

“How is that going to hurt me?”  She said through tears.  “I can’t do anything.  I try, but I can’t do it.  And nobody believes me.  They call me lazy.  I honestly can’t do it, but they don’t understand that.  It hurts my feelings really bad, and I can’t stand it.  I can’t stand not being able to do anything.”

“I know,” the blonde-haired boy said, trying to soothe her.

“Then why won’t you help me?”  She yelled and ran to the opposite side of the room.

“Roxanne, do you know what happens if one of your sense is damaged?  The others become stronger.  For example, a person who loses their sight is able to hear and smell things that ordinary people can’t.  It’s the same with other qualities.  When one of our strengths becomes weak, the others become stronger.  Your physical strength needs to be weak right now so your spiritual and emotional strengths can become stronger.  Do you understand?”

She shook her head.  “What good is to have a strong spiritual and emotional strength if I don’t have enough energy to use them?”

“You will regain your physical strength.  But right now your spiritual and emotional strengths need to become stronger.  When they’ve reached a substantial amount of strength, you will have your physical strength back.”

“You’re killing me.  Do you understand that?”  She clenched her fists.  “Is your idea of making me stronger is to see how much I can take before you actually kill me?”

The blonde-haired boy stretched his hand out to her.  “If your spiritual and emotional strengths don’t get stronger, you won’t survive!”

“I can’t survive like this!”  Huge tears streamed down her face.  “I’ll do it myself!  Stop trying to help me.  I never want to see you again!”

“Roxanne!”

“Go away!”  She screamed as she was pulled out of the room into darkness.

*

Roxanne slammed her fists on the table.  “I don’t understand why I can’t get this!”  She clasped her hands over her head.  “My head hurts so bad!”

“That’s probably why you can’t get this,” Alex said from across the table.  “I can barely understand calculus when I’m perfectly fine.”

“Well, I’m fine. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to understand this.”  Roxanne stared down at her calculus book, the numbers floating around the page and forming new formulas.

“Why don’t we take a break?”  Alex offered.

“I can’t take a break.  I have a test to study for.”  She buried her face in her hands and began to cry.

Alex reached over and touched her shoulder.  “You’re too hard on yourself.  All we expect from you is your best.”

“But I can’t do anything!  I’m useless.”

“You’re not useless.”

She looked up at him.  “Then what am I?”

“You are a very sick girl who keeps pushing herself too hard.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because it’s true, Roxanne!”

“No!”  She pushed her calculus book off the table, watching as it hit the stove and fell to the floor, papers flying.

“Roxanne.”

“I’m sorry.”  She ran out of the kitchen and into the bathroom.

“Roxanne!”

“Just leave me alone!”  She slumped on the bathroom floor, ignoring Alex’s persistent knocking.  Her head was throbbing as strange images flashed through her mind.  What’s going on?  What’s happening to me?

*

Roxanne sat on the floor as Alex combed through her wet hair.  She felt like a rag doll, the act of taking a bath and washing her hair having drained all of her energy.  She’d had to call her mother to help her out of the bathtub, her limbs refusing to hold her up.

Alex walked over to the trashcan to shake clumps of hair that had fallen out onto the towel.  He tried to hide it, but she wasn’t stupid.  She could see the clumps of hair that had fallen out into the bathtub.

He sat down in front of her.  “What would you like to do?”

She looked down at the floor as though it took too much energy to hold her head up.  “I’d like to lie down.”

Alex picked her up and carried her to her bed.  She curled up on her side as Alex covered her with a blanket.  “Would you like to watch television?”  He asked.

“I’d like to listen to music for a while if that’s alright.”

He walked over to her desk and picked up her Walkman, the earphones taped in several places from so much use.

“I’m going to go downstairs and do my homework.  Will you be alright?”

She nodded and pulled the headphones over her ears. 

“I’ll come back often and check on you.”  He gave her a quick hug and left the room.

Roxanne closed her eyes as music filled her ears.

She felt a strange sensation as though someone was watching her.  She looked up and saw the blonde-haired boy standing at the edge of her bed.  Her eyes narrowed.

“You can’t escape it,” he said.  “Why don’t you let me help you?”

“I don’t need your help,” she said.  “I don’t want your help.  I can do it on my own.”

He looked at her, and Roxanne thought for a second that she saw tears in his eyes.  Then with a shrug, he disappeared.

*

“Roxanne, hurry!”  Alex called from the living room.  “The movie’s about to start!”

“I’m coming!”  She said as she rushed out of the bathroom.  She ran into the living room and jumped on the couch next to Alex.

“Hey!”

“What?”  She started laughing.

“Shh."  He pointed to the television.  “It’s starting.”

“Oh by all means, let’s be silent for the opening credits.”  She grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around her legs.

The movie started with a girl laying in a bed while a woman, probably her mother, wiped her forehead with a washcloth.  The girl was obviously seriously ill.  The camera panned around the show that her room was filled with people, probably relatives.

It flashed back to when the girl was much younger, standing outside a school that had seen better days.  The girl was clutching her mother’s hand, tears streaming down her face.

“But why mommy?  Why can’t I get to school like everyone else?”

“Because you’re sick, honey.”

Roxanne watched as the girl stared at the school once more before passing out, her mother catching her before she hit the concrete.

“That was so sad,” Alex said, pretending to cry.  Roxanne smiled and poked him in the side as she watched the young girl struggle to catch her breath,

Because you’re sick, honey.

The thought suddenly made her blood run cold.  She watched as the movie switched to a running track where the young girl, now older, stood at one end.  She looked around saying that she hoped her mother didn’t find her there.  She started running but only ran a quarter of the track before she collapsed.

“I can’t do it.  I hate this.”  She looked up to the sky and screamed, the camera pulling back dramatically.

Because you’re sick, honey.

Roxanne felt funny.  She curled up in the corner of the couch and pulled the blanket tighter around her.

Did I take my medicine?  “I’ll be back,” she said to Alex and disappeared into his room.

One by one, she dropped the pills on the bed.  She picked them up and held them in her hand, fascinated by them.  She went back into the living room to take them, being careful that Alex didn’t see them although she wasn’t sure why she was being so secretive.  It didn’t matter; he was too engrossed in the movie to notice anything.

She was sad when the movie ended, the credits scrolling in time with the soft music.  Alex stretched.  “I’m going to go to bed.  What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to go to bed too,” she said although she didn’t feel tired.

“Do you want to sleep in my bed, and I’ll sleep on the floor?”  He asked.  Since Alex’s apartment only had one room, they’d had to make a bed on the floor with mattress foam and tons of blankets.  Alex offered to sleep on the floor, but Roxanne preferred it, saying it was more comfortable.

“I’ll sleep on the floor.”  Her own voice sounded strange to her.

They got ready for bed, and Alex turned off the light.  “Goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight.”  She lay in bed for a few minutes, but she couldn’t stay still.  “I forgot something,” she said to Alex who only mumbled in response.

She made her way to the kitchen, stopping when she felt the counter.  She didn’t bother to turn the light on.  She hadn’t forgotten anything; she just needed to get out of bed.

Lightening flashed and illuminated the kitchen.  It was following by the distance rumble of thunder.  Roxanne walked over and opened the refrigerator, felling comforted by its light.  She stared into the refrigerator.

Because you’re sick, honey.

She slammed the refrigerator, falling against it.  The image of the girl in the movie flashed across her mind.  She saw her passing out at the school and collapsing at the running track.

Because you’re sick, honey.

The voice started to change into one that she recognized although she couldn’t quite place who it was.  She thought about her bottles of medicine.

Because you’re sick, honey.

Yes, I am.

She froze in the middle of the kitchen.  She thought about the years she had spent in a bed, unable to move.  Numerous doctor visits and tests, CAT scans, MRIs.  She thought of the medicine she had taken over the years.  How did I survive?  The seriousness of her illness hit her.  I am terribly sick.

She clamped her hands over her head as images began flying through her head.  Over and over she saw the girl in the movie, each scene bringing her more aware of her illness until she couldn’t handle it any longer.  She moaned and fell to her knees, grasping the side of her head.

The images kept coming, flashing through mind like the lightening outside.  Her head began to throb. 

“Help me,” she whispered.  She looked up and saw a blonde-haired boy standing beside the kitchen table.  She gasped and jumped up, stumbling back against the counter.

He smiled.  “What do you need?”

Roxanne stared at him, but she was no longer scared.  There was something familiar about him.

“I want to remember.”  The blonde-haired boy nodded and closed his eyes.  He stretched out his hand, his palm to her.  A laser beam of light flashed from his hand and into her head.

She made her way to her bed and collapsed.  She tried to think about the blonde-haired boy, but her mind was still being bombarded with images and feelings.  Emotions flowed through her, confusing her.  She reached out and punched the wall out of pain and fear.

“Roxanne?”  She felt Alex grab her shoulders, but she couldn’t say or do anything but hit the wall.  She screamed, tears flowing down her face.  He grabbed her arm and held it to her body, holding her.  “It’s alright.”

“No it’s not.”  It was hard to breathe.  “I’m sick.”

He held her tighter.  “Yes, you are, but it’s alright.”

She mumbled something he couldn’t understand.

“What did you say?”  He asked.

She turned around and buried her face in his shoulder, mumbling more incomprehensible words.  She shuddered as the images started back in her mind, increasing in intensity.  Her head started to throb again.  She looked up in pain and saw a lady standing on the opposite side of the room.  She was wearing a black dress and had long hair.  Her hand was stretched toward her, a laser beam piercing her forehead where her headache was concentrated.  Tears started streaming down Roxanne’s face as the lady laughed, the high-pitch making her head feel as though it was going to explode. 

Roxanne stretched her hand out to her.

“What is it?”  Alex asked, but she ignored him.  She summoned all the strength she had, screaming as a light filled her body.  A beam of light left her hand, hitting the lady in the chest.  The lady screamed as light filled the room and disappeared, the room becoming dark again.

*

Roxanne stood on the lawn of the mansion, staring at in awe.  It was painted in a brilliant white paint that reflected the noon sun and nearly blinded her.  Enormous glass windows with boxes overflowing with brightly colored flowers underneath them covered its front.  A gravel path led up to a front door, painted in a soft pink.

She knocked on the door, which opened by itself.  She stepping into the entryway, stopping to marvel that the beauty from the outside had continued inside.  The walls were painted a crisp white that seemed to magnify the sunlight coming in from the outside.  Bouquets of flowers were scattered beside immaculate black furniture.  A red spiral staircase wound its way up to a second floor.

“Hello.  Welcome to my house,” a voice said from the other room.  Roxanne gasped as she saw the evil lady from the party appear from around the corner.  She wore a long black dress that shimmered as she walked.  Her black hair flowed elegantly down her back.  She carried a tray piled high with cookies.

Roxanne backed against the door, trying not to scream.

The lady stretched her hand out to her.  “Please don’t be afraid.  I know we got off to a bad start.  Let me make it up to you.”

Roxanne grabbed the doorknob and opened the door.  “I’d rather you not.”

“Wait!”  The lady smiled as Roxanne paused.  “Please give me a chance.  I’m sure you’ll realize that I’m not as bad as you think I am.  I’ve already proved myself to someone else.”

Roxanne watched as the brown-haired boy emerged from behind the lady.

“She’s right,” he said.  “She’s allowed me to stay here for free.  I love it here.”

“You can live here too.”  The lady smile broadened.  “If you would like.”

Roxanne looked at the brown-haired boy who smiled as well.  “It’s really nice here.”

The lady held the tray out to her.  “Have a cookie.”

Roxanne walked forward, slowly taking a chocolate cookie off the tray. 

The lady laughed as Roxanne bit into the cookie.  “Once you eat one, you’ll never want to go back.”

*

Roxanne woke up the next morning, drained.  She turned over and saw Alex sound asleep beside her.  Poor Alex.  He must be exhausted.  She slipped out of bed, trying not to disturb him and walked into the bathroom.  She splashed water on her face, pausing to look at herself in the mirror.  Her reflection seemed so strange to her as she tucked her fine hair behind her eyes.  She didn’t even look like herself.  Who am I?

Alex walked into the bathroom.  “How are you feeling?”

Roxanne continued to stare at her hands.  “I feel strange.”

“You had another fit last night.”

“I know.”

Alex stared at her, his eyes wide.  “How?”

“I remember.”

Alex stood in the doorway of the bathroom, staring at Roxanne in unbelief.  “You remember?”

“Yes.”  She turned toward him.  “I remember.”

“Let’s go back in here and talk about it.”  She followed him back in his bedroom where she stretched out on his bed while he sat on the edge.

“What do you remember?”  He asked.

“I remember seeing parts of that movie over and over again.  Every time it would flash through my mind, I got sadder.  I remember walking into the kitchen because I got anxious.  I had no other reason to.”  She stopped and looked away.

“Do you remember anything else?” 

She opened the curtain, staring at the cars in the parking lot.  She thought about the blonde-haired boy, the way he stretched his hand out to her.  What do you need?  She closed her eyes.  She must have imagined it.  Nothing else made sense.

“Roxanne?”

Roxanne shook her head.  “I don’t remember anything else.”

*

She sat at the table in the mansion, staring at the food that ran the entire length of the table.  The brown-haired boy sat across from her, already halfway through his food.  She hadn’t seen the lady since she moved in although the brown-haired boy said that she came by often.

“If the lady comes here so often, how come I never see her?”  She asked.

The brown-haired boy swallowed the piece of chicken he’d just stuffed in his mouth.  “I don’t know.  You kind of have to be watching for her.  She sneaks in and out.”

Roxanne’s eyes narrowed.  “Why would she sneak around her own house?”

The brown-haired boy shrugged.  “I don’t think she sneaks around the house, I think she tries to keep us from seeing her.”

Roxanne crossed her arms across her chest.  “Why?”

“I don’t know.”   The brown-haired boy reached across the table to grab a sandwich.  “She told me that if we see her all the time, it would be a constant reminder that this was her house.”

“But it is her house.”

“Look.”  The brown-haired boy put down the sandwich he was eating.  “You analyze things too much.  I mean, look around you!  You have everything you want.  A beautiful house, all the food you can eat, and all the entertainment you could possibly want.  Just stop thinking about it so much and enjoy it.”

Roxanne watched as the brown-haired boy joyfully ate the sandwich.  He seemed so happy, and she suddenly wanted to feel that way too.  She got up from the table and looked around at the extravagant chandeliers and crystal.  Outside, the waves lapped against the beach, the sun reflecting against the water. 

“Don’t worry,” the brown-haired boy said.  “I’ll take care of you.  Just sit back and enjoy everything.”

Just sit back and enjoy everything.  Roxanne sat back down at the table and picked up a piece of fudge, closing her eyes to savor the chocolate.  She tried to remember how she found this place, but she couldn’t remember.  She pushed the thought away and grabbed another piece of fudge.

*

“I wish I was dead.”  Roxanne threw another tissue on the pile in the middle of the floor.

“You don’t mean that,” Alex said from the chair where he was reading a magazine.

“Yes I do,” she said between sneezes.  “I feel terrible.”

“Do you want anything to eat?”

“No.”  She threw another tissue across the room.  “I just want to sit here in misery.”

Alex tried not to smile.  “If that’s what you want to do.”

“No, that’s not what I want to do.”  She punched the bed out of frustration.  “I want to get out of this bed!”

Alex shut the magazine and set it on the table.  “I have an idea.  Let’s go into the living room and watch a movie.”

“Great.”  She pushed back the covers, making sure to bring her tissues.  “I get to move from one bed to another one.”

“At least you’ll have a change of scenery.”

“Shut up.”

An hour and a half later, Roxanne found herself so engrossed in a movie that she forgot that she was sick.  Alex stretched as the credits began, looking at his watch.

“It’s after midnight.  Are you ready to go to bed?”

“That sounds good to me,” she said, staring at the television screen even though Alex had turned the movie off.  “Let me brush my teeth.”

Alex went into the bedroom as Roxanne went into the bathroom.  She looked at the sink, then the walls of the bathroom.  Everything was so strange to her.  She had no idea where she was or how she had gotten there. 

She stumbled out of the bathroom and made her way to the living room.  A terrible headache blurred her vision.  She screamed and fell against the wall as two hands supported her.

“It’s okay,” a voice tried to soothe her, but she didn’t recognize it either.  She started hitting the wall and screaming.

“Roxanne!  It’s okay!  Calm down!”  She felt someone pick her up and grabbed at them. 

She was thrown on a bed where she was pinned down.  “No!”  She screamed.

“Roxanne!  It’s just me!  It’s alright!”

She felt a peace go through her body as a field with beautiful flowers entered her mind.  She felt her body go limp.

Alex tightened his grip on Roxanne as she went suddenly quiet.  She jerked and grabbed the blanket.  He grabbed her arm.  “It’s alright,” he said, his voice shaking.  “Please calm down.”

“Don’t worry,” she said.

“What?”

“Don’t worry,” she said again.  “I won’t let her have another fit.  Not right now.  She’s too weak.  She’s too sick right now.”

Alex pushed her hair out of her face.  Her eyes were closed, and she had a peaceful look on her face.  “Who are you?”

“What?”

“What is your name?”

She smiled.  “It doesn’t matter.  I’ll take care of her.  I always do.  I’ll calm her down.”

Alex tightened his grip on her as she jerked again.  She immediately relaxed, sighing. 

She didn’t move anymore that night, but Alex remained awake, turning the night’s events over in his head.

*

“Roxanne, why don’t you take a nap?”  Alex said to Roxanne who had her head propped against her arm, nodding off occasionally.

“Because I don’t want to take a nap.  I’m tired of sleeping all the time.  Normal people don’t sleep all the time.”

Alex looked at her and laughed.  “I don’t know where you got that from.”

Roxanne yawned and stretched her hands out in front of her.  “If I don’t sleep, then I can get my body used to staying awake for long periods of time.”

Alex closed his book and pushed to the end of the table.  “That reasoning doesn’t make any sense.  If you’re tired, then you need to sleep.”

Roxanne grabbed a pen and paper and began writing furiously.  “I don’t want to go to sleep.”

Alex put his hands in the air.  “Okay, okay.”  He gathered his schoolbooks and put them in his backpack.  “I have to go to a study group.  I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

“Okay,” Roxanne said, not looking up from her writing.

He started out the door and then paused, looking back at her.  “You know, taking a nap doesn’t mean that you’re defeated.  That has nothing to do with it.  Remember that.”

Roxanne watched him, waiting until he shut the door before pushing the paper aside.  I can’t even write a letter.  She laid her head down on the table.  With an air of resignation, she climbed the stairs to her room and collapsed on her bed.  She listened to the soft sound of rain against her window as she drifted to sleep.

Darkness surrounded Roxanne on all sides.  It seemed to suffocate her, it’s dark hands reaching out and grabbing her throat.  She could hear a wind rushing by and feel the coldness against her arms.  She moved forward but only found more darkness. The wind started to pick up, and she crossed her arms against her chest to block out the cold. 

A light started to form in front of her, and she saw the brown-haired boy appear in front of her.  His clothes were torn, and his hair was tousled.  He looked down at the ground, one hand holding his arm as though it was hurt.

“Are you alright?”  She moved closer and saw tears streaming down his face.  He looked up at her and smiled.  She reached and hugged him, but he disappeared as soon as she touched him.

She turned around, trying to see where he had gone.  She heard a moan in the distance.  “Hello?”  She called.

“Help me,” a timid voice responded.

“Where are you?”

“Help me.”  The voice was becoming more frantic.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me where you are.”

She heard a scream, high-pitched and bone chilling.  “Help me!”

She broke out in a run.  She turned in so many directions, that she’d completely lost all sense of direction.  The screams kept getting worse, growing louder with every minute. 

A glow in the distance caught her attention, and she took off toward it.  The brown-haired boy was sitting inside a glass box and appeared to be sleeping.  He looked up as she neared him.

“Help me!”  He pressed his hands against the glass.  Roxanne looked around the box, trying to find a way in.  The brown-haired boy’s eyes got wide, and he screamed louder.

“Help me!”

“Hold on!”  She yelled.  “I’m trying to find a way in.”

“Help me!”

“I’m trying!”

Roxanne woke from the dream and lay in her bed.  The blonde-haired boy was on her mind.  She thought back to the last dream she’d had about him.  Was I wrong to tell him to leave me alone?  She sat up and pulled her knees under her chin.  She felt a strange feeling course through her, giving her strength.  No.  I don’t need his help.  Not if he was going to do that to her.  No, she would do it herself.  She didn’t need him.  With that resolution, she stepped out bed, stifling her doubts until she couldn’t remember them.

*

“She’s alright, she just has these fits.  She doesn’t have them very often.  Yes, she’s had them before.  I can explain what I think is happening if you want.”

Roxanne lay in Alex’s bed, her face turned the wall.  Alex was in the living room talking to her mother, thinking that Roxanne was asleep.

“She was so sick for so long.  And on top of that, she got sick at a terrible time, in her second year of high school.  I think that the combination between the severity of her illness, being pulled out of high school, and the normal pressure of being a teenager were too much to handle.  So, I think she created kind of an alternate world for herself, and literally forgot that she was sick.  Perhaps forgot isn’t quite the right word, but more that she doesn’t remember the severity of her sickness.  That’s why she gets so frustrated when she can’t do things normal people do because she doesn’t see anything different about her.  Yes, I know it would be difficult to forget such a life changing illness, but think of it this way.  People suppress things that happened to them that they couldn’t handle.  For example, someone who was sexually abused as a child has a tendency to suppress it.  They’ll suppress the memory and refuse to remember.  Sometimes, they even create a split personally to deal with it, to protect themselves.  Yes, I know that Roxanne’s case is not that severe.  However, you can find similarities in the two situations.  She was taken out of her safe, normal world and thrown into one full of turmoil.  She lost most her friends, she wasn’t able to leave the house, and she could barely get out of bed.  She couldn’t do anything except sleep, watch television, and listen to music.  She felt useless because she wasn’t able to accomplish anything much less do the things she wanted to do.  I think when she finally got better and was able to go back to school again, she created a new life, shutting that part of her life out.

“No, I’m not trying to say that she has a split personality.  What I am trying to say is that I think she created a new life for herself, or rather, that she’s trying to continue her life as though that part of her life never happened.  And whenever something triggers her memory, it’s as though she’s reliving the initial shock of finding out that she’s sick over again.”

Roxanne sat up, looking out the window.  She stared at her hands as though they weren’t even hers.  She thought about what Alex said.  If what he said is right, then who am I?  Questions began popping up in her head.  She didn’t even feel like herself anymore.

She got up and went to the bathroom, Alex following her.

“You’re awake!  How are you feeling?”

She stared at her toothbrush.  “Alex, who am I?  I feel like someone has been living my life.  Right now, I feel like I’m living my life as though it was on television.  I don’t know how else to explain it.”

Alex crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorframe.  “Roxanne, I’m sorry.  I didn’t want you to hear that.”

She dropped her toothbrush.  “No, I’m glad I heard it.  I just don’t understand what’s going on.  I feel like I have no control over my life.  I’m not going to stay like that.  I’m going to find out what’s happening.”

*

“I’ve made a decision.  I’m going to go to college.”

Alex looked up from the book he as reading.  “Really?  When did you decide this?”

“Yesterday.”  She crossed her legs Indian style in her chair.  “I want to go to the junior college you’re going to go to.  I can get my GED in the summer and start in the fall.”

“That’s great.”  He smiled as he tossed his books on her bed.  “That’s a wonderful decision.  What brought this up so suddenly?”

Roxanne looked at the pile of notebooks from her high school days before she got sick.  They lay in the corner, messy and forgotten.  “Next week you’re going to be graduating along with everyone else I know.  I should be graduating too, but I can’t.  Being sick has taken up so much of my life.  I don’t know if I’ll have enough strength to make it through college, but I want to try.”

He reached over and grabbed her hand.  “You can do anything you want.”

She smiled, weakly.  “I hope that’s true.”

“Of course it is.’

She straightened her shoulders.  “Then I guess I should start preparing for the GED.”

*

Roxanne wandered outside in a field.  Flowers bloomed around her, and the grass tickled her bare legs as she walked.  The sun was hot and pleasant, and she found herself stopping to enjoy the warmth.  She closed her eyes, feeling the sun against her face.  A soft breeze blew her hair across her face, tickling her nose.  She giggled softly and opened her eyes, seeing the blonde-haired boy across from her.  He was staring at the ground, his arms folded across his chest.

Her heart leapt.  “You!  You can tell me what’s going on with me!  I know you know.”  She started running toward the boy, but the more she ran, the farther away he seemed to get.  “Hey!”  She yelled, but the blonde-haired boy didn’t seem to hear her.  Instead, he continued to stare at the ground. 

She tripped, her hands sinking in mud as she tried to break her fall.  She tried to catch her breath, the long grass blowing across her face.  She looked at and saw the blonde-haired boy standing in front of her.  “Please, help me,” she said.

“What do you need?”

“You know what I need.”  She wiped the mud from her hands onto her shorts.  “I need to remember so I can find out what’s wrong with me.”

He stared at her as though he was concentrating, and then looked up at the sky.  “The moon holds the key.”

“What?”  Roxanne jumped to her feet.  “What does that mean?  I don’t have time for riddles!” 

“Look for the moon,” he said and disappeared.

Roxanne watched out the car window as her house came into view.  It was Thanksgiving break, and she couldn’t wait to get home.  Memories of family coming over and tables full of food made her anxious for the holiday to start.  And maybe I can find some clues as to what’s been going on.

Roxanne flung the car door open and ran up the stairs as her mom greeted her at the door. 

“How are you feeling?”  Her mom whispered in her ear.

“I’m doing alright,” she said.  “Though I’ve been better.”

Her mom brushed Roxanne’s hair out of her face.  “Come inside and eat.  I made lunch.”

They ate lunch with greedy haste, the weeks of ramen noodles taking its toll.  After lunch, Roxanne excused herself, retreating upstairs to her room.

She opened the closet and pulled several boxes down, spreading them across the floor. 

“What are you doing?”  Alex asked.

“I’m searching for clues,” she said as she pulled the lid off a blue cardboard box.  “Can you help me look for anything that might help me understand why I’m acting this way?”

“Of course,” Alex said and sat in the middle of the boxes. 

Thirty minutes later, they’d laughed hysterically over old yearbooks and pictures, but there was nothing to jog Roxanne’s memory.

She pulled her arms behind her, stretching her back.  “I thought for sure that we would find something here.”

“Look at these.  They might help.”  He handed her a stack of notebooks.

“What are these?’  She asked and then saw the cover.  “These are the poems that I wrote in junior high!”  With excitement, she flipped through the notebooks until she saw the cover of one and stopped.  White moons had been painted on the blue cover of the notebook.  The words Dream Diary glittered in silver paint.

“What is it?”  Alex asked.

“Nothing,” she said and threw the notebook aside.  “I just got distracted by something I remembered.”

Alex laughed softly then looked at his watch.  “I have to go and meet my parents for dinner.  I’ll be back tonight though.”

“Okay.”  She reached over and hugged him.  “Have fun.”

“I will.”  He waved as he walked out the door. 

She looked back at the notebook.  The moon holds the key.  She took a deep breath, picked up the notebook and started reading.

*

Roxanne took off her shoes and walked in the garden that ran beside a fence in the front yard of the mansion.  She felt the cold mud of the newly watered garden squish around her feet as she walked.  The weather was perfect.  Not too hot, not too cold.  She rolled up her sleeves to expose her shoulders to the sun and bent down to inspect a plump red tomato.

She stood up and jumped as she saw the blonde-haired boy standing in front of her on the other side of the fence.  “What are you doing here?”  She asked.  “I thought you said that you weren’t going to help me.”

“No.”  He carefully corrected her.  “You said that you never wanted my help again.”

Her eyes narrowed.  “That’s right.  So go away.”  She spun around to pick a tomato off the vine.  She inspected the tomato for a moment then half turned back to the blonde-haired boy.  “So why are you here?”

“To give you another chance.”

She spun around.  “Another chance to do what?  To succeed in killing me?”

The blonde-haired boy looked stunned.  “That’s not what I was trying to do.  I was trying to make you stronger.”

Roxanne laughed.  “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.  I get it.”

He extended his hand.  “Roxanne.  Come with me.  Let me help you.”

Roxanne put her hands on her hips.  “Come and get me.”

The blonde-haired boy looked away.  “I can’t.  I can’t go inside this gate.”

“Why not?”

He looked at her.  “I don’t go in places like this.  This house doesn’t exist.  You just think it does.  You’re so caught up in the fantasy of a perfect house that you don’t even realize that it doesn’t exist.”

“You’re crazy,” Roxanne said and started walking back to the house. 

“Roxanne,” he called after her.  “I will be in the field outside this gate.  If you change your mind, meet me there.”  Then, he was gone.

*

  Roxanne sat in her room, turning the dreams she had read over in her mind.  The blonde-haired boy and the lady were beginning to make sense to her, but she still could not understand what was going on.  Now matter how much she tried, it was as though there was a block in her brain that she could not get past.  She hit the wall out of frustration, the act causing Alex to rush up the stairs.

“What happened?” 

“Nothing,” she said, massaging her hand.  She sighed and turned away as tears starting to form in her eyes.  “I keep turning over everything in my mind, but I cannot remember anything.”

“I’m sorry.”  He sat down beside her.

“It’s alright.”  She reached over and picked up the dream diary.  “I found this, and it told me a lot of things.”

“Your dream diary.”  He took the diary from her and flipped through it.  “Did it tell you anything?"

“Not specifically, but it did do something.”

Alex looked at her.  “What?”

“It’s made me more determined.  I’m not going to rest until this is resolved.  I’m thinking about seeing a counselor.  Maybe you can help me too.  I know that I’m sick, and I want to be able to remember it.  My illness is a part of my life, and until I can accept that, I will never be whole.”

Alex put his arm around her.  “Then let’s try and find that missing part.”

Roxanne smiled and leaned against his shoulder, slowly falling asleep.

Roxanne broke out in a run as she heard a terrible scream coming from the building behind her.  She made her way inside, finding out that the scream was coming from upstairs.  She tried to climb the staircase, but the stairs kept disappearing or breaking.  She leaned against the rail, but it started to crack as well.  She ran up the stairs, having to put her full weight on the railing as stairs fell and crashed onto the floor below.  She could see the railing coming apart from the wall and jumped.  She grabbed onto the edge of the second floor as the entire staircase fell down, sending a fog of dust through the room. 

She grasped and pulled herself up, the screams becoming more hideous every minute.  She ran down a hallway full of doors, pausing before each one to find the source of the scream.  Finally, she found that it was coming from a door at the end of the hall on the right.  She flung the door open and was blown back by a fierce wind.  She grabbed the doorframe as she heard the scream again, terrible and blood chilling.

“Help me!”

She looked up to see the boy from the party, stretching his hands toward her desperately.  Behind him, there was a window where black demons were grabbing his legs and trying to pull him through.  To his side, the lady watched him, laughing.

“Help me!” The boy screamed again.

Roxanne pushed her way into the room, grabbing a hold of anything she could.  She reached and grabbed the boy’s hand. 

The lady stopped laughing and grasped at Roxanne’s arms.  She started pushing Roxanne who nearly fell into the window.  A demon snapped at her, but she pulled herself back.  With a jerk, she pulled the boy free of the demons, throwing him back.  She grasped the lady’s arm, catching her off guard.  She swung the lady and threw her into the window.  She screamed as the demons enveloped her and the window closed.

She remembered the blonde-haired boy and grabbed the brown-haired boy, climbing out a window and down a trusel on the side of the mansion.  She ran across the yard until she reached the front gate.  She flung the gate open and ran into the empty field outside, the brown-haired boy resisting at first, but soon began running along with her.

She spotted the blonde-haired boy standing beside a large tree, his blonde hair blowing in the wind.  He turned as they neared him, a smile brightening his face.  “Roxanne, it’s so good to see you.”

“It’s been a long time.”

He nodded his head.  “It’s been six years.”  He cocked his head.  “What do you need?”

“To get out of here.”  She looked back at the brown-haired boy who was clutching her arm.  “And I want to take him with me.”

The blonde-haired boy motioned for him to come forward.  The brown-haired boy looked up at Roxanne who nodded.  “It’s okay.  Go on.”  She watched as the brown-haired boy slowly began to walk toward the blonde-haired boy who had closed his eyes.  He raised his hand, a laser piercing through the brown-haired boy’s hand.  He screamed but calmed down as he saw a purple rose floating in front of him.  Roxanne looked to see a blue rose floating above her outstretched hands.

“You both can get out together,” the blonde-haired boy said.  “But only together.”

Roxanne walked over to the brown-haired boy.  She stretched her hands out and the rose followed them.  She moved her hands until her rose touched his.  With a startled scream, he disappeared, and Roxanne was pulled up into darkness after him. 

She turned but all she could see was darkness.  She tried to walk, but she soon found out that she wasn’t standing on the ground but floating.

“Now, you can remember.”  She heard the blonde-haired boy say, but she couldn’t see him.  “Now with the missing link, you can be whole again.”

Roxanne watched, as a rose appeared in front of her, its color a beautiful swirl of blue and purple.  She reached out and grabbed it, its light piercing through the darkness.

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