commentaries: THE BOY'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Here we go with yet another commentary. This one is for the ever-popular Christmas special. Basically, I have always wanted to do my own Christmas special. Not just in efedding either. One day it is my goal to get on our crappy local cable station here in Moose Jaw with my very own Christmas special. Why? Because I want to, because I can! HAHAHA! I'm so witty. No seriously, I really do. Growing up I remember seeing a ton of these back in the day. I'm pretty sure CBC ran the Anne Murray Christmas special about thirty years in a row. That's no hyperbole either. So I thought this would be a great idea. I also felt it would be great because I had sort of entered WPW for a brief time (about a month or so), but then just vanished because I was too busy at school. Things were finally starting to die down work-wise and I intended to make a comeback, so this was my way of reintroducing the character to WPW. Also, WPW was taking a short break for the Christmas holidays, so I thought this would be a great way to add some content to the site for people to read over their holidays. Julie (the WPW fedhead) loved the idea and told me to run with it. So I typed and typed away. In the end, I'm not sure if it ever got posted (I couldn't check it on my computer at the time due to virus issues). Regardless, I remember Julie telling me she wanted to change the ending around a bunch. I wasn't cool with that, especially since she was not going to give me any say in it. It kind of crapped on the whole idea I felt. It was one of those things that ultimately led to me leaving WPW for good. I have no problems with Julie (hell, I plug her website in the links section), but I just didn't see eye to eye with her creatively, which is why I left. Now all that preamble is out of the way, let's get started.

(The scene opens up with the words "The Boy's Christmas Special" displayed on the screen. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" can be softly heard in the background. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings standing in the middle of a field, which is obvisouly actually a set in a studio somewhere, making a snowman with several children, as fake snow falls from the sky. Hellings, dressed in a black WPW coat, a toque with the words "The Boy" written on them, and a maple leaf scarf, stops making the snowman to turn and face the camera, which he greets with a fake, cheezy smile.)

I wanted to stress just how phony the whole thing looked, because most Christmas specials look very cheezy and fake. When I was typing this I was notably thinking of this special thing CBC's "Hockey Night in Canada" did around that time. Bascially, they let a bunch of the Canadian-born players form their own teams of I think four skaters and they would play pond hockey. It was a season-long tournmanet that aired during intermissions. It was a really cool idea. If I recall correctly the team comprised of players who were then on the Toronto Maple Leafs (I remember Alyn McCauley being one of them and I think Curtis Joseph was in goal) won the whole thing. Anyway...the whole setup had a very cheezy and fake look to it, despite the fact it was billed as being authentic. The set was clearly man-made. It was that sort of setup I had in mind when describing what the set of my special looked like.

Hellings-
"Hi everyone! And welcome to my First Annual Christmas Special, right here on WPW television. Christmas is a special time of year when you actually pretend to like people you won't actually talk to at any other point in the year. It's a time for giving, for being with loved ones, and, most importantly for tonight, having fun. And what could be more fun than spending time with me, The Boy?"

Annual? Hardly, which is too bad, because I would love to make this an ongoing thing. That line about pretending to like people is actually pretty funny and completely honest and truthful.

(One of the children, obviously being held there against his own will, stops working on the snowmen to reply sarcastically)

I like the idea that the kid is somehow "held there against his own will," although it may be a little disturbing. I have no idea how he got into the situation, why he can't leave or who is keeping him there, all I know is that it is funny. Even if it seems to defy child labour laws.

Kid-
"Getting a root canal, for a start."

Do kids even know what a root canal is?

Hellings-
"Hey! Shut up kid! You're not here to talk, you're here to look cute and build me a snowman!"

Kid-
"Build your own stupid snowman!"

Hellings-
"I'm too important for that!"

I won't lie to you, I basically ripped this line off an episode of "The Flintstones." In the episode, Fred and Barney get mistaken for these two scientists or something and they get involved in some big spy plot. And there's this woman with them who keeps saying, "I'm much too important to be captured." That's where it basically came from. To this day I still quote that line, especially when I'm playing video games (it's all I can think of when I'm playing something like Metal Gear). Not an exact ripoff, more of an homage. Yeah, we'll go with that. It sounds more creative and less illegal.

Kid-
"I hate you! You suck!"

(The Boy bends over, picks up a large snowball and whips it as hard as he can at the boy, who is knocked over.)

Random violence against children is funny to me.

Hellings-
"We've got a lot planned for tonight's special, so please stay with us. I know that seems undesirable; many of you at home are worried The Board of Directors are going to cut away to a typical boring WPW match at some point tonight. Well have no fear, you won't be watching any of the normal bathroom break style of matches here tonight. My fans, The Boy Scouts, are finally getting what they want-all me, all the time. It's gonna be great. Hey, would I lie to you folks?"

For what it's worth, I would love to see WWE do their own Christmas special. I know a couple of years ago they did a Christmas party (all I remember is Kane dressed as a Christmas tree), but I want to see an actual special, in the traditional form. I want to see HHH singing "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and John Cena making snow angels. Maybe Vince McMahon can even read the story of Jesus as all the wrestlers hang their stockings by the fireplace. And yes, I would pay good money to see this.

(The cameraman shakes the camera up and down, to indicate his repsonse in the affirmative)

Yes even the cameraman is here against his own will.

Hellings-
"Hey! You want some of what that kid got? I can buy and sell you pal! Anyway, we've got a number of guests and a lot of activities planned for tonight. And, of course, a big old helping of Christmas cheer. What the....? Who's writing this crap? (Making quotation marks with his fingers) 'Christmas cheer?' I think I'm gonna puke!"

I was just trying to make fun of how sappy these specials usually are, and how much they make you wanna hurl. I wanted this to basically be the antithesis of the normal Christmas special, which is why everyone is noticably angry to be there and why people say things they would NEVER say on a real Christmas special. It gives it the feel that The Boy somehow weaseled his way into this special and people were contractually obligated to participate or something, which is I think the only way to present this.

(The Boy walks off camera and picks up the cue cards and rips them in half. Just then, a voice is heard coming from behind The Boy. Hellings spins to see noneother than Britney Spears emerging from "the forest," to stand beside him.)

You'll notice something about the guests: they are all here to plug something basically. If you ever watch late night talk shows or whatever, the guests that appear are always there to pimp out whatever movie, book, album or whatever else they are currently promoting the release of. So, in keeping with realism, I wanted all the guests to be here for a specific reason. Britney Spears is here because at the time I wrote this she just released an album a couple of months prior. I think in September? Anyway, it made sense for her to be here.

Britney Spears-
"Hi Steve!"

You could read that as either she was too stupid to remember my name, or too important. Your choice.

Hellings-
"Uh, it's Scott."

Britney Spears-
"Why are you ripping up your cue cards?"

Hellings-
"Because unlike you, I would rather write my own material."

Damn that's a good burn. Overdone perhaps, but still pretty good. Actually, that line wasn't in there originally. I added it in while I was going over it afterwards. I'm glad it's here.

Britney Spears-(Ignores that comment)
"You know, I'm so glad to be here! Thanks for inviting me to be a part of this!"

Hellings-(sarcastically)
"Yeah, my pleasure."

I used to make fun of Britney Spears an awful lot back in the day. To the point of beating the dead horse. But the reason being is that (A) she was really popular back then, and (B) she was a really easy target (or just plain easy! Oh burn!...see what I mean?). But the main reason is that it is a reference that pretty much everyone can understand. See at the time, my second choice for a guest after Britney was Fefe Dobson. The Canadian-born Dobson was the only other pop diva that seemed to be topping the charts at that particular time. And while she has had success both north and south of the border, the chances of people in the fed knowing who Fefe Dobson is is unlikely. Whereas pretty much everyone should know who Britney Spears is just because she is just that big of star. I'd just like to add: Fefe Dobson sucks.

Britney Spears-
"You know, when I was a little girl I used to love Christmas. I remember my mom used to...."

Hellings-
"Oh shut up! No one wants to hear about you as a kid, or how much you love your mother! Do you really think that's an original concept? Loving your mother? You know, the only person who talks about their mother more is Eminem! And that guy's mentally distubed! Honestly, the way you go on and on about her, you'd think she was a Nobel Prize winner or something! You know, 2003 years ago Jesus' mother gave birth to him. Do you hear him wandering around telling everyone about his mother? (in a funny voice) 'Hello Jesus.' (changing his voice again) 'Oh hello Judas. Have I ever told you about my mother?' Immaculate conception, THAT'S something to brag about! What the hell has your mother ever done?"

I found that really funny, I'm sorry. Britney does talk about her mom and her childhood a lot (or at least she used to) and NO ONE CARES. It's the same deal with Lindsay Lohan these days and that whole divorce thing between her mom and dad. I could care less, but yet anytime you see her, she's always talking about it. That Judas line is a reference to the song "Jesus' Brother Bob." I seriously hope people found that bit as funny as I did. What can I say? I'm my biggest fan. I have to admit that I find Jesus humour very, very funny. No idea why. I also really enjoy hokes about Hitler, for no apparent reason either. Kinda different ends of the moral spectrum there, huh?

Britney Spears-
"She inspired me to become a singer."

Hellings-(sarcastic)
"Oh yeah, and the world thanks her for it."

I was trying to stress that Britney sucks and we all hate her. Not sure if that comes across properly there. As much as I hate Britney though, I'd rather listen to her than Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears-(ignoring him again)
"Well, you know, I truly love Christmas. There's just something about this time of year, that makes me feel like singing."

That was to be an example of the cheeziness of Christmas specials and how poor segueways usually are during these type of things.

Hellings-
"A remarkable occurence indeed."

That is a fairly weak reference to Britney lipsynching. Although, again, I'm not sure if people get that. It would have been more recognizable if it was someone like Ashlee Simpson. I think if I were to redo the special today, I'd use Ashlee instead of Britney, since Spears hasn't had an album in a while and EVERYONE loves to pick on Ashlee Simpson.

(Britney Spears then proceeds to sing a rendition of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" Upon her completion, The Boy wanders over to her.)

By the way, I really hate it when singers do Christmas albums. It's always such a tease, isn't it? Because, on one hand, you're excited that your favourite artists has a new album out, but on the other hands it's just a crappy Christmas CD that you won't listen to after January.

Hellings-
"Well! That was easily the best song I've heard in the last two minutes!"

Britney Spears-
"Aw, thanks."

It's funny because she's dumb.

Hellings-
"Yeah, well, I'm contractually obligated to plug your new cd now, In the Zone, in stores everywhere."

Britney Spears-
"I'm really proud of it."

Hellings-
"And why not? It's such a diverse album! Very unique sound too."

That is supposed to be sarcastic. I really don't like it. Honest. Actually, I don't think I've ever heard more than one or two songs off of it.

Britney Spears-(missing the sarcasm)
"I know. I'm especially proud of the first single, Me Against the Music, which I did with Madonna. It was such an honor to work with a legend like her."

Madonna sucks. I just had to get that out of the way. Seriously, her these days she's just some trashy Euro-pop wannabe. It's awful.

Hellings-
"And what better way to thank her than by Frenching her on national television, huh?"

At the time that was a pretty recent reference. That was easily the dumbest thing ever. Why was that such a big deal? How horny are people that a slight, SLIGHT kiss between two women makes international headlines?

Britney Spears-
"You know, I don't understand why everyone made such a big deal of that."

Hellings-
"Well, it's rather like a celebrity wedding Britney. Take two celebrities nobody cares about anymore, like second-rate boyband member Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, put them together and suddenly you got a reality TV show! But, eventually, people remember why they started to hate them in the first place and they fade into obscurity once again. And judging from sales of your album, I'd say that's the pattern we're seeing here."

Truth be told, I found the show "Newlyweds" fascinating, because, like everyone else, I cannot get over how stupid Jessica is. PLus, it's fun looking at Jessica Simpson. That line has given me all sorts of grief though. I wrote this at a time when Newlyweds wasn't even on TV here in Canada, so I didn't know much about it. And, for the time of me, I'm ashamed to admit I couldn't keep track of which Lachey brother Jessica was married to. So that line changed from Nick to Drew and then back to Nick when I realized my mistake. I had it right the first time and I'm not sure why I ever changed it to Drew. I must have been on crack or something.

Britney Spears-
"What do you mean?"

Hellings-(stonefaced)
"The clock struck fifteen, time for a career change."

I enjoy that line. And it's pretty much true too, since although Britney is still a huge star, her star does seem to be fading somewhat. I've since bastardized it and used it in other roleplays too.

Britney Spears-
"You know, I'm detecting some sarcasm here."

Hellings-
"Well I'd hope so, I'm laying it on pretty thick."

That is a line directly ripped off of "Tommy Boy." I love that movie. David Spade rules.

Britney Spears-
"You know, you're not so special either pal! I mean, didn't you only ever have like a few matches here in WPW before going away?"

Ignore the plot hole that at first she doesn't know my name, but then apparently knows how many matches I've had. Basically I was trying to address my potential critics here.

Hellings-
"Yes, that's right! What a segueway, thank you! Yes, that is true. In fact, I went away so I can write my new book, 'I Know it, You Know it, Now the Whole Damn World Knows It!' It's the perfect holiday gift item."

As you can see, I was trying to introduce the book angle I was hoping to do. But it all fell apart when I left WPW (again) shortly after this.

(The Boy smiles at the camera like a used car salesman as he holds up a copy of the book)

Britney Spears-
"Who's gonna read that? You're not a star!"

Hellings-
"You're right, I'm not. That's exactly the point! I'm not a superstar, I'm not an ultra-star. I am the one, the only UBERstar!"

She walked into that one.

Britney Spears-
"You're insane."

Hellings-
"Yeah? And you're good for only thing."

The Boy is kind of a pervert, isn't he? That's definitely more crude than I'm used to.

(She slaps him)

Hellings-
"So...want me to show you some uh, wrestling holds later?"

There I go ripping that same line off again. I used the exact same line The Boy Tells a Story and I stole it from an episode of Smackdown. You know, where Stephanie was convinced that Trish and HHH had aan affair and then they had a tag match against Rock and Lita. HHH was showing Trish some holds (this is before Trish ever wrestled) when Stephanie walked in and got all mad. Why am I cribbing material from HHH?

(She slaps him again and storms off the set.)

Hellings-
"What? I just wanted her to use her talents! I wanted to show her the true meaning of 'stocking stuffer!' Is that so wrong?"

That line about stocking stuffers came about one night when I was having a conversation with my friend Erin. It was...well, just don't ask. Funny, in a really, really crude way.

(The young boy from before enters the shot and laughs at The Boy. Hellings picks him up and tosses him into a snowbank. The scene heads to commercial. The show commences after the break with The Boy now decorating a Christmas tree, with some help from the kids from before. A Canadian mountie is seen standing in the background. A logfire is burning in the background, with stockings for Scott and Britney hanging over it. The snowman that was built can clearly be seen through the window. Several other people are sitting around on some couches, sipping eggnog and hot chocolate. At the foot of the tree are several copies of The Boy's book, along with other prop gifts.)

Again, this is me stressing the cheeziness of everything. That is Mountie Bob, and this was my introduction of him as a manager. I was hoping to run with that angle more but, again, since I never really managed to do anything else in WPW after this it just sort of died. It had the potential to be great, but I'm not sure I would have pulled it off anyway.

Hellings-
"Welcome back. We're just decorating the tree here. You know, this is a pretty big tree though. I think we're gonna need some help. Good thing my good buddy Matt LeBlanc, star of NBC's 'Friends,' and soon to be the star of his own spinoff is here to help out!"

This is a bit of a stretch, but I wanted to have guests from many different avenues and I chose Leblanc to be my television star, since I felt that he would be someone most people would have some sort of knowledge of (because of "Friends"). Also, it was the last season of "Friends" and he was about to get his own spinoff, so it kind of made sense. I thought of having the cast of "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" for some reason or another (I don't know and don't you dare even ask why), but I felt more comfortable writing Leblanc, since I am more familiar with him. This is the second roleplay found in the roleplays section that includes someone from "Friends." Funny that Joey doesn't remember me or the fact that I beat up a bunch of people on the set of his show. Hey, the roleplays were for two different feds, so I was allowed to have continuity errors. I think. In case you haven't been able to tell, I really liked "Friends." Yes, yes I am a girl, aren't I?

(Matt LeBlanc enters the shot, wearing a Scott Hellings shirt.)

I love how Matt LeBlanc is promoting me. That rules.

Hellings-
"Hey Matt!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Hey Scotty! Good to see you man."

You'll notice as this goes on that Matt gets less and less friendly. Surprisingly, he seems to intially be happy to be here.

Hellings-
"Of course it is!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"You know I couldn't help but noticing you have a Canadian Mountie standing there in the background."

Hellings-
"Oh yeah, that's Mountie Bob. He stands on guard for me. The Canadian government, knowing what a true UBERstar I am, decided they would lend their number man, Bob, to protect me."

That line about standing on guard for me is a reference to the Canadian national anthem, for those not in the know. I was going to make Mountie Bob's catchphrase "I stand on guard for thee."

Matt LeBlanc-
"A professional wrestler needs protection?"

Hellings-
"What? Of course not! No, it's more crowd control than anything. The ladies, they love me, but I can't deal with thousands of gorgeous babes throwing themselves at me constantly. That's where Bob comes in. I mean, did you see the way Britney Spears was throwing herself at me earlier?"

The Boy is, if nothing else, delusional.

Matt LeBlanc-(sarcastic)
"No I musta missed that one. I'll look for it on the deleted scenes of the DVD release."

That's pretty funny actually. I like how an actor is perfectly okay with insulting a professional wrestler. Would you piss off Batista? Think about it.

Hellings-
"Of course, the Canadian government just wants to make sure I'm okay. After all, I'm practically a national treasure. Hell, I'm one of The Seven Wonders of Canada."

Matt LeBlanc-
"Canada has Seven Natural Wonders? What are the other six?"

I don't know if there actually is a list of the Seven Natural Wonders of Canada. I know there is a list of wonders for my home province of Saskatchewan, which I find sad. For those who don't know, Saskatchewan is made fun of more than any other province because it is very, very flat.

Hellings-
"I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you."

Matt LeBlanc-
"Aw come on! Just one!"

Hellings-
"Alright, fine! (whispering) Number five is poutine, but don't be surprised if some guys come after you now."

I hope people in other cultures actually know what poutine is. I was told it originated in Quebec, so I'm not sure. It's fries with gravy and cheese on top and, yes, it is amazing. Those French sure love their cheese.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Uh, okay."

Hellings-
"So Matt, how would you like to help us decorate the tree?"

Matt LeBlanc-
"I'd love to! When I was a kid...."

Hellings-(annoyed)
"Oh for...why does everyone insist on telling me about Christmas as a kid?! No one cares!"

Sounds like I have issues.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Whoa! About a nine on the tension scale there buddy! Better switch to decaf."

I stole that line from "The Burbs" with Tom Hanks. I LOVE that movie.

Hellings-
"Here's the decorations Matt."

(The Boy hands LeBlanc a box of decorations. Matt holds several of them up. They are all decorations of The Boy, in various poses)

I friggin' wish I had a box of decorations with my face on them. Every year my hometown has an event downtown called Sidewalk Days, where Main Street is closed down and then local merchants sell things outside, there's games, entertainers, and all sorts of stuff. Anyone can have a booth too. I've always wanted to set up a booth where I would sign autographed pictures of myself for people. I'd have a sign up that says, "come meet international superstar Scott Hellings." I'm not an egomaniac, I swear.

Matt LeBlanc-
"You're a narcissist, you know that, right?"

Hellings-
"No, I'm The Boy! You're thinking of Lex Luger!"

Hey wow! Look at me ignoring my own rules and standards yet again! That's even worse, because I had my standards in place by this time.

Matt LeBlanc-
"I need a new agent."

Hellings-
"Shut up and start decorating. Now, there's just one more problem we have her folks. The tree is too tall, there's no way we'll be able to get the star up there. If only there was someone who could lend a hand."

Another example of a really bad segueway. It's intentional, really.

(Houston Rockets star, the unbelievably tall Yao Ming walks in)

I wanted a sports star and for whatever reason I picked Yao Ming. I don't even like basketball. I would have picked hockey, but I figured people probably wouldn't generally know who Joe Sakic is. Whereas I have seen Yao Ming in commercials and stuff, so I'm pretty sure people have some sort of idea who he is. Note how I only refer to him as "the unbelievably tall Yao Ming" because I was too lazy to look up just how tall he really is.

Yao Ming-
"Can I help?"

Hellings-
"You sure can! How fortuitous you just happened to be walking along outside our cottage. Are you stalking me?"

I love the word fortuitous.

Yao Ming-(laughs)
"Uh, I don't think so. I think you're safe."

Ha ha. Stalking is funny.

Hellings-
"Well if your teammate Kobe Bryant was here, we'd be in trouble. (Motions to the children) He might decide he can't control himself around the kids."

I was trying to stress what an idiot The Boy really is, for getting things all mixed up like this. I don't think it was hard. And, yes, if you thought stalking was funny, you'll find pedophiles even more hilarious.

Yao Ming-
"You're thinking of Michael Jackson. And I'm not Kobe's teammate, Shaq is."

Because no one ever gets tired of Michael Jackson gags.

Hellings-
"What's that?"

Yao Ming-
"Shaq!"

Hellings-
"Oh yeah, I love that movie! I thought Mike Myers was great in that one! I even liked Eddie Murphy as the donkey."

Because Shaq sounds like Shrek. Sorta. I don't know, it's kind of amusing in a really dumb way.

Yao Ming-
"No, Shaquille O'Neal!"

Hellings-
"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it was Mike Myers."

Sometimes I make myself laugh. And that's all that counts. I'm surprised I didn't make any sort of reference to Shaq-Fu or Kazaam or anything awful like that. Especially since I'm doing my own Christmas special, it seems like you would want to mock the crossover appeal of Shaq. I guess I was more concerned with making jokes about Michael Jackson.

Yao Ming-
"You know you're an idiot."

Hellings-
"Exuse me? What was that beanpole? You think you can just come on my show and insult me?"

The Boy gets insulted VERY easily.

Yao Ming-
"You insult everyone else!"

How would he know that? The Boy gets testy quickly and Yao catches on even faster.

Hellings-
"I'm allowed to, my name's on the marquee pal."

That's because I'm the marquee player! Oh right, this is before that gimmick. Nevermind.

Yao Ming-
"You're a jackass! You know what? I don't need this! I'm out of here!"

Yao Ming is also really easily annoyed. By the way I'm surprised I didn't beat that joke to death so that when Yao calls me a jackass I reply, "no Eddie Murphy was the donkey." I'm proud of myself there.

Hellings-
"Fine! Me and Matthew Perry will be fine on our own!"

I don't know who my guests are because I don't give a damn about anyone other than mysef. Just explaining blatantly obvious things to everyone.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Uh, it's Matt LeBlanc."

Hellings-
"Whatever! They didn't send me Jennifer Anniston so I really don't care!"

Agreed.

Yao Ming-
"See what I mean? I'm taking off!"

I'm not sure if this special is being aired live or not. It seems like it would be taped, so I'm not sure why this segment would remain a part of the show. Think about it, I know I didn't.

Hellings-
"Oh no you're not! You wanna fight big man?"

Yao Ming-
"Yeah, maybe I do!"

I know he's tall and all, but he's theoretically taking on a guy who fights for a LIVING. No one said basketball players were smart.

Hellings-
"You don't know what you're in for pal!"

Yao Ming-
"You don't scare me, you're not even a real athlete!"

Neither is Shaq.

Hellings-
"Take that back!"

Yao Ming-
"Make me."

(The Boy grabs a folding chair and stands on it, so that he can be eye to eye with Ming. He decks Ming with a shot and then grabs his throat, looking for the Chokeslam to HELLings, but he can't lift up the large frame of the basketball star. Ming just smiles, and The Boy rethinks his strategy and instead knees Ming in the groin. Ming doubles over in pain. The Boy gets off the chair, picks it up and nail Ming with it across the back, and again off the head, knocking him out. Several workers rush over to help him out.)

The Boy always comes out on top dammit. I enjoy the fact that I had to use the wrestling cliche of hitting him with a chair. Chairs are the second deadliest weapons in wrestling, second only to championship belts.

Hellings-
"We'll be right back after these messages."

(The scene fades out and heads to comercial. When we return, Yao Ming is gone, but Matt LeBlanc has stayed behind to continue to decorate the Christmas tree.)

Hellings-
"We're back. Yao had to leave suddenly, he had a headache. Don't worry though, Matt stayed behind."

Yeah don't worry, Matt LeBlanc is still here! Because you can't see him anywhere else on television. At all. Except for the eighty million reruns of "Friends" all over syndicated television. Crap. Maybe I should have rethought this strategy.

Matt LeBlanc-
"So Scott I was wondering...you're Canadian."

Damn, he's quick.

Hellings-
"I'm not just Canadian, I'm a legend! Heck, I'm THE Canadian Legend!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Uh, yeah, right. Anyway, I was wondering if there is any sort of Christmas traditions that are specific to Canada."

Hellings-
"Well there is one I enjoy."

Matt LeBlanc-
"What's that?"

Hellings-
"The smacking of the ignorant American."

You may not be aware of it, but Canadians LOVE to insult Americans. We are the most passive aggressive nation in the world. We pretend we love America, but as soon as their back is turned we're quietly muttering to our friends about what a dick America is. Most Canadians love to think of Americans as ignorant, hence this whole bit. I personally enjoyed it.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Huh?"

(The Boy smacks him upside the head.)

Hellings-
"Exactly! Thanks!"

(Mountie Bob is shown standing in the corner, chuckling)

Mountie Bob-
"Good one, sir."

Mountie Bob wasn't meant to talk much, which is why that is the first time he has spoke. I envisioned him sort of as being played by Patrick Warburton, or "Putty" of Seinfeld fame. You know, sort of dry humour.

Hellings-
"Thanks Bob."

(Just then they are interrupted be a new visitor. None other than Matt Damon)

Matt Damon-
"Hi guys, Merry Christmas!"

Hellings-
"Hey everyone, it's Matt Damon! Star of the new film, Stuck on You! Thanks for stopping by Matt!"

"Stuck On You" was hitting theatres right around Christmas time, which is why Matt Damon was included in here.

Matt Damon-
"No problem Scott! I just thought I'd come by to cook you all Christmas dinner!"

I wish I had more friends in real life who did things like that. Although truth be told, I really don't like turkey. Most people think I'm crazy for saying that, but it's true. I really don't like it. And it makes me fall alseep. Every time. If it were up to me, we'd be having Christmas steak.

Hellings-
"Well thanks Matt!"

Matt Damon-
"Hey, thanks for the movie plug."

Hellings-
"No problem. Be honest with me though, does it suck?"

Don't you wish celebrities would actually admit when one of their movies sucks? You can't tell me Ben Stein really thought "Son of the Mask" was going to be a bonafide hit.

Matt Damon-
"What? Of course not! It's a movie about me and my brother being stuck together as Siamese twins."

Yeah! Of course not! Everyone finds Siamese twins funny! That's some brilliant logic there from Matt Damon.

Hellings-
"Wow, fitting, since you and Ben Affleck used to be joined at the hip. Too bad he moved on with his life, huh?"

Yes he moved on with his life. And shortly thereafter his career died. And I was happy. Aside from "Daredevil," I have hated Ben Affleck in pretty much everything. Alternatively, I usually like Matt Damon and his films.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Yeah that was sad. You too were so cute together."

Wait, what? Is he hitting on Matt Damon?

Hellings-
"Are you done decorating that tree yet?"

Matt LeBlanc-
"No."

(The Boy points to the box of bulbs LeBlanc is holding)

Hellings-
"Oh hey, what's wrong with that one?"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Huh?"

(The Boy smacks him upside the head again.)

That's a really old joke, but I had to use it, even though it's more of a visual gag that doesn't transfer well to written text. Visual gags are great in roleplays, right?

Matt LeBlanc-
"Hey that one hurt!"

Hellings-
"Well anyway, Matt, I hope the movie doesn't suck. You'd hate to have yourself visited by the Ghosts of Bad Movies Past, Present and Future this Christmas."

See here I was trying to incorporate references to other Christmas mainstays, hence the point of comparing Matt Damon's movies to "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. It's out there, I know. This is my problem sometimes: I get an idea and I want to cram it with as many references as possible. Some work, some really, really don't. Like this one.

Matt Damon-
"What do you mean?"

Hellings-
"Please! The Talented Mr. Ripley? That was awful! And you do realize 'Ocean's Twelve' will suck too, right?"

And, just as I predicted, the joke sucked. I liked "Ocean's Twelve" too. I can't believe I referenced that movie a whole year before it was released. That's the secret to my success: staying contemporary. I never saw "The Talented Mr. Ripley," so I can't actually judge if it was good or not. Why didn't I make a reference to "The Bourne" movies? Wouldn't that have been better? I guess I wasn't thinking. No surprise there.

Matt Damon-
"You know if you're not nice to me buddy, I won't make you turkey."

See, I would be so okay with that.

(It is then that The Boy notices one of the extras, swooning over Matt Damon. The Boy obviously takes offense to this)

Hellings-
"Yeah, well get to work then! Go cook! Besides, this is my show, not yours! I'm the one who should be in the spotlight!"

Matt Damon-
"Have it your way."

Matt Damon just puts up all with my abuse in this, doesn't he?

(Damon walks off, the woman following his every move.)

Woman-
"He's so dreamy!"

Hellings-
"What the hell? You're not supposed to talk! You're an extra! You're were told quite clearly what to do before you got here! You were told to dress up like a cheap extra from a Gap commercial, sit around, drink hot chocolate and before you left to make sure you returned your shoes to the shoe bin. I don't recall anyone saying anything about talking!"

That shoe bin line was thrown in for my friend Josh. It is originally a line from "Kids in the Hall" I believe, but I will always remember Josh quoting that line during some bad snake movie with Casper Van Dien that we were watching. Hilarious.

Woman-
"I'm sorry, he's just so cute!"

Hellings-(Leaning into her)
"Yeah? Well you know, some people think Matt Damon and I look a lot alike."

That's an inside joke that no one will get. My friends at university and I have this ongoing joke where we talk about how much I look like Matt Damon (I really don't).

(LeBlanc laughs out loud. The Boy wanders over to him and smacks him upside the head again)

Hellings-
"Maybe after the show you and I could get together. You know, I'll let you see my jingle bells if you let me deck your halls!"

Again, another line that came about from me talking to Erin. We have such a strange relationship.

Woman-
"Creep!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Oh! Burn!"

(The Boy spins to look at LeBlanc, threatening to hit him again. LeBlanc flinches. The Boy returns his attention to the woman)

Hellings-
"I'm sorry, you were right. That was rather crass of me. Maybe later..."

(He is cut off by the same kid from before, tugging at his pantleg)

Kid-
"When do we get to open the presents?"

Hellings-(Not taking his eyes off the woman)
"You won't get to at all if you don't leave me the hell alone."

Kid-
"You swore!"

I could have said HELLings, but I overuse that joke, don't I? Especially when it really isn't that funny to begin with.

Hellings-
"Shut up and sit down!"

Kid-
"You're gonna be on the naughty list!"

Hellings-
"There is no Santa Claus you idiot!"

I like traumatizing children. I always think it's funny to hear a wrestler talk about what's real and what's not. Think about it.

(The kid starts to cry)

Matt LeBlanc-
"Well that's full of Christmas spirit!"

Hellings-
"Shut up LeBlanc! Don't make me come over there! Kid, stop crying, go sit over there and be quiet! LeBlanc, grab that tinsel and keep decorating!"

I hate tinsel. There is no way I would ever put any on my tree.

Hellings-(His attention back on the woman)
"Anyways, as I was saying....perhaps later tonight after the show we could get together and...."

This would make for great quality holiday television...me making children cry because I'm trying to hook up with some woman. Add a bear attacking people and this show would be huge on Fox.

(He is interrupted by the child again. This time he is grabbing one of the presents and shaking it about a lot, making a lot of noise)

I still shake my presents to this day.

Hellings-
"I told you to put that down!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"I thought you told me to put on some tinsel?"

This is where it breaks down into total jackassery.

Hellings-
"Not you!"

(The kid continues to play with the present)

Hellings-
"I said put it down!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"You just said not to!"

Hellings-
"Not you, you!"

If you haven't found this funny yet (I kinda do), skip ahead about twenty lines. We'll be here for a while.

(The camera pans over to show one of the extras.)

Man-
"What do you want?"

Hellings-
"What?"

Man-
"You just called my name, Hugh."

And it keeps going and going...

Hellings-
"No, not Hugh, you!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Fine! Then you decorate the tree!"

Hellings-
"Not Hugh, not Matt, but you!"

(He says, pointing to the kid)

Matt LeBlanc-
"I'm lost."

Hugh--
"Have you tried Hare Krishna?"

Ripped directly out of one of my favourite films of all time (don't laugh), "The Muppet Movie."

Hellings-
"Honestly, it's not that hard to understand people."

Hugh--
"Well, it wouldn't be if you annunciated."

Hellings-
"Not the time Hugh!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Eight thirty."

Hellings-
"No! Not got the time, NOT the time!"

Hugh--
"I heard you say got, not not."

Hellings-
"Shut up Hugh!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Why? What did I say?"

I'm finally beginning to notice just how long this roleplay really is.

Hellings-
"Not you! Hugh: shut up! Kid: go to hell! LeBlanc: stop confusing me!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"What?"

Hellings-
"Stop it Matt! Just stop everything!"

(Matt Damon walks out of the kitchen)

Matt Damon-
"What's wrong? You don't want me to cook you the turkey?"

I love total confusion and chaos. It's sort of inspired by the classic and brilliant "Fawlty Towers," with John Cleese. A lot of times things just ended up being entirely chaotic. This whole bit here I actually find amusing, but it's another run that would probably work better visually, so you could actually see the people talking. Oh well, I liked it.

Hellings-
"Not you Damon!"

Matt Damon-
"Fine. If anyone needs me, I'll be cooking dinner."

Matt LeBlanc-
"I thought Scott just said to stop it."

Matt Damon-
"Oh. Did you?"

Hellings-
"No! Get back in there!"

(The Boy grabs Damon and throws him through the kitchen door.)

Woman-
"I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving!"

Hellings-
"No!"

And then after all that, the woman just takes off. How disappointing.

(As the woman walks off, Scott grabs the present from the kid and tosses it into the fireplace. The toss knocks one of the logs out and starts a small fire on the carpet. Matt Damon comes out of the kitchen again, carrying a plate.)

Hellings-(calling after the woman)
"Come back!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Uh Scott, there's a fire."

Matt Damon-
"Not that you deserve it now, but I made cookies!"

Hellings-
"Wait a minute! There's cookies?"

For the life of me, I can't remember where I stole that from. I know I stole that from somewhere, but I don't remember where. I'll give five dollars to anyone who knows where that joke came from. I literally stole that from show I was watching while typing this thing. Because, you know, I love to be original.

Hugh--
"I love cookies!"

Hellings-
"Shut up Hugh!"

(Mountie Bob grabs Hugh and tosses him out the door)

Matt LeBlanc-
"Scott! Fire!"

(The Boy spins around)

Hellings-
"Bob, take care of that! Matt, help me out with my book! We have to rescue them!"

(LeBlanc starts rummaging through he prop giftboxes, amongst all the copies of The Boy's new book)

Matt LeBlanc-
"Okay, but which one is your book?"

You might be able to tell, but I was kinda writing Matt LeBlanc as his Joey character on "Friends." In other words, he was the lovable but stupid guy.

(The Boy smacks him upside the head again)

Matt LeBlanc-
"STOP DOING THAT!"

Hellings-
"GET SMARTER!"

Okay, I know I stole that from "That 70's Show." Is there anything original in here? Well maybe that bit with Hugh and all that stuff. Is that a good thing though? Hm....

(The scene fades out and heads to commercial. When we return, everyone is sitting down to Christmas dinner, as Matt Damon carves the now-burnt turkey.)

Again, if this was a taped show, you'll note that we didn't bother stopping the tape to go buy a turkey or cook a second one. Instead, we actually decided to stick with the burnt one. I guess everyone has a budget to work with.

Hellings-
"Welcome back everyone. We're just about sit down to dinner...I guess. Damon, you should never be allowed to cook ever again."

Matt Damon-
"Hey, shut up man. I did my best."

Hellings-
"Well your best isn't good enough. But me? Well, I am The Boy and that means I'm THE Best!"

Everyone just keeps setting me up perfectly so I can pimp out my catchphrases.

Matt LeBlanc-
"You were dropped on your head as a child, weren't you?"

That's a lame, overused joke. So glad it's in here.

(The Boy pretends to laugh and then picks up a dinner roll and whips it at LeBlanc's head.)

Kid-
"Can I go home yet?"

Hellings-
"No, no you cannot. I paid you to be here for one hour and, dammit, you're gonna stay here for the whole hour!"

Kid-
"I wanna go home."

Hellings-
"You can't."

Kid-
"Aren't there child labour laws?"

Who told you about those laws? Heh, "Simpsons" reference.

Hellings-
"I dunno, after the show you can call your lawyer, alright?"

Kid-
"I hate you."

Hellings-
"Believe me, I hate you more."

Kid-
"I hate you more."

Hellings-
"No, I hate you more."

Kid-
"Do not."

Hellings-
"Do too."

Kid-
"DO NOT!"

Hellings-
"DO TOO!"

Kid-
"Do not, times ten!"

Hellings-
"Do not, times infinity!"

Kid-
"Do not, times infinity, plus one!"

I love getting The Boy into childish arguments like this. Which is why I do it more than once in this roleplay. Maybe I love it too much...

Hellings-
"You can't do that!"

Matt Damon-
"No I believe he can."

Apparently Matt Damon know the rules for these sorts of things. I wasn't aware there were any rules for those type of arguments.

Hellings-
"Shut up Damon!"

Matt Damon-
"Hey back off! You been riding my back since I got here!"

Hellings-
"Maybe that's because I'm stuck with a second-rate movie star like you on my show! A true celebrity like me deserves to be with people of his own kind!"

Matt Damon-
"Hey, I'm not second-rate anything! Good Will Hunting? That was all me pal! Have you ever been nominated for an Oscar, huh?"

You'll find most wrestlers don't get nominated for Oscars. But Hogan SHOULD have won one for "No Holds Barred." Brother. What? Why are you laughing?

Hellings-
"No, but that's only because the WPW Board of Directors have yet to find the proper vehicle for me. Trust me, when they find the right role for me, my face will be all over Hollywood! I'll win so many damn Oscars they'll change the name to Scotts!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"What? How can you tell that little golden dude is Scottish?"

Yeah it's cheezy, but not a bad joke. I have this favourite joke that is similar that I'm surprised I didn't find a way to fit in here. It's "you hit that pole!" "How can you tell he's Polish?" I'm an idiot.

Hellings-
"As soon as I get a hold of another blunt object, consider it thrown at you."

I find that funny. I don't know why, I just do. I think the word "blunt" does it for me.

Matt LeBlanc-
"You know what? You're...you're... you're just not nice!"

Hellings-
"Sue me."

Matt Damon-
"You're crazy! You couldn't win an Oscar! You couldn't win a Golden Globe! You couldn't even win a, uh...do you have some sort of Canadian movie award?"

Mountie Bob-
"They're called Geminis."

True story. You know what would be a great idea for a roleplay? The Boy hosting The Geminis. Okay, maybe not.

Matt Damon-
"Thanks Bob. Yeah, well, you couldn't even win a stinkin' Gemini!"

Hellings-
"No way! I succeed at anything I ever attempt! Believe me, they may call me The Boy, but there is no doubt that I am The Man! Here, let me read you an excerpt from my book..."

Ignore the fact that I never won a title while in WPW.

(The Boy pulls out a paperback copy of his book from his back pocket)

Matt LeBlanc-
"Wait, you carry a copy of your book with you in your pocket?"

Hellings-
"At times like this it doesn't seem so odd, does it?"

I totally stole that from my favourite show of all time "Newsradio."

Matt Damon-
"Why do you insist on torturing us all?"

Kid-
"That's what I want to know."

Hellings-
"Hey! This is my Christmas special dammit, so everyone shut the hell up and be filled with Christmas freakin' cheer, alright?"

Kid-
"Right, will do. (Singing) Falalalalayoureallysuck!"

I always felt that never read quite right.

Hellings-(Ignoring him and starts to read from his book)
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the night of my birth. Stories had been told of a magnificent being to be born that fateful August night. Therefore, three wisemen made their trek to discover the humble beginnings of mankind's greatest gift: me! And lo, a multitude of angels did appear before them...."

Yes, I am actually comparing the story of The Boy's birth to the story of the birth of Jesus. Along with the angle I had planned out for the book, anytime I read from it I was planning on bastadizing some famous work of literature. Hence the opening line.

Matt Damon-
"That the Christmas story!"

Hellings-
"Wait, are you saying someone plagarized me?"

Matt Damon-(rolling his eyes)
"Yeah, his name is God."

Hellings-(pulls out a notepad and a pen)
"I see....and where can I find this God?"

Ignore the plothole that I ripped off The Bible, but yet am apparently unaware of who God is. The subtle joke was that The Boy thought of himself as a god. Not sure if people got that.

Mountie Bob-
"You can see him in everything sir."

Oh come on, this bit is funny.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Really? (Picks up his spoon and stares intently into it.) Are you there God? It's me, Matt. Please take me home."

There I am ripping off Judy Blume books. I'm not gay. Really.

Hellings-
"Hey! No praying! We need this thing to be non-demoninational to get past the censors!"

I don't buy into that line of thinking. Stay with me here. North America was founded by Christian people and the entire civilization is based around Christian principles. Why can't we have Christian ideals presented in some of the things we do? If I go over to India, a Hindu society, I don't expect them to change everything around just for poor little Christian me. I'm not saying I don't want church and state to be separated per se, I'm just saying that I think we don't have to be as overly sensitive as we are about keeping things non-denominational. </rant>

Kid-
"You're stupid!"

Hellings-
"Am not!"

Matt Damon-
"Ugh. Not again!"

My thoughts exactly. Why did I do this twice? Because I wanted to incorporate the old Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck argument in here. You'll see. I was obsessed with cartoons as a kid and that always has a way of sneaking into my writing even today.

Kid-
"Are too!"

Hellings-
"Am not!"

Kid-
"Am not!"

Hellings-
"Are too!"

Kid-
"Exactly!"

Hellings-
"Wait, crap! Hold on! (Tries to think through what just happened)

Matt LeBlanc-(Laughing)
"Serves you right for hitting me all those times!"

Hellings-
"Yeah? Come over here and say that!"

(Everyone gets up from the table and begins arguing with each other. Things look like they are about to get really ugly, when recording star John Mayer walks in, guitar in hand.)

John Mayer doesn't make as much sense as the other guest stars (I believe his album had been around for a while by the time I wrote this), but I only had him here because he was the first guy I could think of that uses a guitar.

John Mayer-
"Hey there everyone! Looks like I got here just in time! I'm here to spread some holiday spirit, so sit down and relax!"

(He begins to play a rendition of the famous Grinch song)

Again, I was just trying to fit as many Christmas references as I could. This one works better than the "Christmas Carol" reference.

John Mayer-
"You're a mean one, Mr. Hellings!You really are a heel!"

Hellings-
"Well I'm not a do-gooder, that's for sure."

Normally I would hate me for breaking kayfabe there, but I didn't really. And that line about being a heel is really in the song, I just thought it had an interesting connotation for a wrestler. I saved it with my retort somewhat though, which was a line I changed a thousand times over until I got it just right. I think it's about as good as it will get.

John Mayer-
"You're an egomaniac, and a jobber, so I feel! Mr. Hellings!"

I couldn't think of any other word but jobber. Would John Mayer know what a jobber is? Probably not.

Hellings-
"Hey! I didn't insult you! Yet."

(Keeps playing, the song continuing. Everyone is laughing at The Boy. Hellings gets up and snatches the guitar from Mayer's hands and then smashes it over his head.)

See? I just wanted to hit a guy with a guitar. It's such a classic wrestling thing to do. I was a HUGE Honky Tonk Man fan as a kid. In fact, I was always a little strange as a kid; I liked Hogan, but I was not the biggest Hulk fan in the world. I never really liked Randy Savage either. But I loved Honky Tonk Man. I also loved the Hart Foundation (which was also strange because I'm pretty sure at the time they were a heel tag team). True story: I went to a house show in Regina once as a kid and I bought a Hart Foundation poster. Later, I took a thumbtack and scratched out Jim Neidhart and Jimmy Hart's faces and only left Bret. Even back then I loved Bret Hart. I was definitely unique for a six or seven year old kid back then. Also, it's a true story that my grade one yearbook notes that the person I most wanted to meet in life was Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Knowing the type of guy he is, that seems a lot more frightening now.

Hellings-
"New rule: nobody is allowed to make fun of me for the rest of the night."

Matt LeBlanc-
"Are you allowed to make fun of us though? Or, more importantly, hit us?"

Hellings-
"Don't tempt me."

Matt LeBlanc-
"Aw man! This sucks! I hate getting told what to do! I thought communism was dead!"

Hellings-
"Workers unite, Comrade LeBlanc."

The kids love their communism references.

Matt LeBlanc-
"Aw, man! I knew I should have went on Whoopi Goldberg's Christmas special instead!"

At the time I wrote this, Whoopi had a new sitcom. And damn it was bad. Really, really bad. I hate Whoopi Goldberg, I really do.

Matt Damon-
"No, trust me. You're better off this way. (Begins to serve the turkey) Who wants dark meat or...uh, darker meat?"

(The scene heads to commercial break one final time, fading to black. Upon returning, we see everyone sitting together in the living room together. They are all sitting around the tree, as The Boy enters with a big sack filled with presents.)

Hellings-
"Hey everyone! I got you all presents!"

(Everyone gets real excited and then begins to unwrap their presents. Everyone gets a copy of The Boy's new book. Most look unimpressed.)

Sadly? If I did have my own book, I would give a copy to everyone for Christmas. What? I'd give them something else too!

Matt LeBlanc-
"Ah, gee. You got me a copy of your book Scott. You cheap bastard!"

Hellings-
"It's not about moneitary value Matt, it's the thought that counts. Besides, you are holding what is quite possibly the greatest piece of writing ever! Forget The Bible! Screw Shakespeare! The only book that matters is mine! And of course it's great, after all, it came from my mind. No one can even come within 1/27 of my greatness! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"

Again, The Boy now seems familiar with the Bible. Oh well. That's a pretty good little paragraph actually.

Matt Damon-
"I didn't know that. Did you actually work that out mathematically? You know, in my film Good Will Hunting I played a guy who was quite good at mathematics. In fact, because of that role I..."

I hope that's actually true. I have never actually seen "Good Will Hunting." I just remember seeing the trailer for it which suggested he was good at math or something.

(The Boy suddenly hits Damon in the head with a steel chair. Damon is down and out.)

Matt LeBlanc-
"What the hell did you do that for?"

Hellings-
"I've hated that guy since he got here. Besides, he burnt the turkey."

Kid-
"Gee, too bad you didn't choke and die on it."

That's a surprisingly horrific thing for a kid to say.

Hellings-
"That's it!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"Hey settle down!"

Hellings-
"Shut up LeBlanc! This is between me and the kid!"

Hey look! Another stolen line! This time from "Me, Myself, and Irene."

Matt LeBlanc-
"Hey man, just calm down, okay?"

Hellings-
"You're right. I know what will ease the tension: I'll read from my new book, available in fine bookstores everywhere."

Kid-
"Do you ever shut up?"

Hellings-
"You're just jealous of me, I know. And hey, if I were you, I'd want to be me too. Now listen up monkeys, I'm gonna read from my book!"

(Everyone groans as The Boy clears his throat. The impending tension is broken by a sound on the roof).

Matt LeBlanc-
"Goody! Santa's here!"

Kid-
"Maybe he can let me ride on his sleigh and get me outta here!"

(A man dressed as Santa Claus slides down the chimney and crashes into the living room set. He gets up and brushes himself off)

Santa-
"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

Hellings-
"Hey, shouldn't you only be here if we were sleeping? I thought that was the deal! (Begins singing, really off-key) He knows if you are sleeping/he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"

Santa-
"Do you want the goddamn presents or not?"

There's something funny about a Santa Clause that swears. Don't believe me? Just watch "Bad Santa."

Hellings-
"Fine."

(Santa hands The Boy a present, then begins to hand out the gifts to everyone else. The Boy tears open his package to reveal a replica of the WPW Championship)

Matt LeBlanc-
"You got a belt?"

Hellings-
"I sure did! I wanted to get used to lugging around all the leather and gold on this belt for when I eventually win the real thing. And, believe me, it's just a matter of time before I climb atop the WPW rankings! The Board of Directorsa are watching this show right now and I know they realize just how great I am and will soon give me the title shot I so rightly deserve!"

This was my subtle attempt to get Julie to give me some sort of meaningful match upon my return. It didn't work.

Matt LeBlanc-
"You don't deserve a title shot man. You haven't wrestled in months! There's like twenty guys ahead of you in line for one!"

Hellings-
"Take that back!"

Matt LeBlanc-
"No way! You've been smacking me in the head all day! And it really hurts!"

Hellings-
"You know why? Because (Rings a bell.) everytime you hear a bell ring, an angel makes me hit you for being stupid!"

Another lame attempt at a Christmas-themed reference. I suck at these. It would have been better, but it got wordy. Comedy is either too wordy or not wordy enough; it all depends on the situation. In this case, it should have been something more like "an angel smacks you." It needs to be more succint for effect.

(He smacks LeBlanc again. LeBlanc pushes The Boy)

Kid-
"I hate you Santa! You're not real! I believed in you!"

That kid turned on Santa mighty quick.

(The Kid stamps on Santa's foot and finally storms off)

Santa-
"Ho ho ho! Hey now, let's all settle down here! You wouldn't want to get a lump of coal next year, would you?"

You know, with natural resources so low, you think Santa would swtich to a more environmentally-friendly gift for the naughty people. What a prick. He's probably the reason why gas is so expensive too.

Hugh-
"Why? What did I do?"

Santa-
"What?"

Hugh-
"You said my name."

The joke never gets old. Right? Right?

Hellings-
"How the HELLings did he get back in here? Bob?"

I knew I would have to throw that in here somewhere. Unfortunately. You'll notice I don't use that line anymore. Because, it sucks. It's a good to call my finisher The Highway to HELLings but ssying "what the HELLings?" does not work in everday speech as well.

Mountie Bob-
"No idea sir."

Hellings-
"Whatever. I've had it with you Hugh!"

(The Boy turns around and decks Hugh, who goes down. LeBlanc then jumps on The Boy's back, only to be tossed off. The Boy grabs LeBlanc and delivers The Highway to HELLings, through a table. Everyone starts to brawl now, including Santa. The words "Happy Holidays from The Boy" are superimposed on the screen. The scene then fades to show various WPW superstars and personalities singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." The scene then cuts back to the mayhem at The Boy's party one last time, where Yao Ming is back and beating on The Boy. Information on where to purchase The Boy's book is then displayed on screen, before finally fading to black)

And that's that. I wish there was a better way for me to get that ending bit across without it being just descriptive text, but oh well. It's been a marathon, hasn't it? This is one long roleplay. Well, I really liked it all things considered. I don't think I've ever wrote something with so many ripped off lines, but at least I worked them in there well I think. It was a lot of fun to write this specia. I only wish I had a chance to do one every year. Well maybe not...it did take an awful long time to write this up. It is too bad that things didn't work out in WPW, because I felt like this special should have been the start of something really special for me there, but it was not to be I guess. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this (there was some funny stuff here I feel) and that it filled you with Christmas spirit, no matter what time of year it may be when you're reading it. Seasons Greetings!

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