commentary: PSI VS. N*SYNC: THE LOST PROMO

Man, what was I thinking with this one? You know I think there is often a reson that "lost" roleplays stay lost. Seriously, what the hell is this? Well this commentary should be one hell of a ride. Um...I just thought it would be amusing to make fun of boy bands (because, you know, NO ONE was doing that back then: I'm so topical!) and it just...crap. I really don't know. So let's move on...

(The scene opens up inside the MuchMusic Environment. Surrounding the building of the Canadian Music Station are thousands of people. Inside Rick The Temp is condcuting the countdown to NSync Live at Much. They have just come back from a commercial break and VJ Rick The Temp is telling everyone that their is only a few minutes left.)

For those that don't know, MuchMusic is the Canadian equivalent of MTV. Once every so often, they do these so-called "Intimate and Interactive" shows, where random musician shows up and performs some songs and then is interviewed and signs some autographs for the hundreds of people swarming the studio. It can actually be pretty cool. Anyway, the theory was the N*Sync was coming by for one of these. Rick, one of the old VJs who is no longer with Much, is there to interview them. They often do these little countdowns until the people show up too, although it's not usually as sad as random VJ just standing around waiting for them to show up. Instead, it usually involves playing random music videos of that artist. I make it look so much more boring, don't I?

RICK-
"Okay so we only have about five more minutes and then N*Sync is going to appear live here at Much Music, taking your questions and performing live."

There is also a small audience inside the studio and people surround the building outside. And, yes, the artists really do take questions from the audience. The station is located in Toronto and for these events there is always a mini stage set up outside, with hundreds of people surrounding it. Just so you have a better picture of what is going on here.

(The thousands of preteen girls start screaming.)

I'm not sure I'd say there would be thousands, but you get the point...

RICK-
"But before that we are going to show one of their videos and, uh......"

(Rick trails off as he looks outside. Fighting through the crowd we see Scott "The Boy" Hellings. He is wearing a black PSI shirt and a pair of jeans. The security guards try to stop them but Hellings just pushes them over. Hellings comes inside and walks over to Rick.)

HELLINGS-
"Hey can I use your phone? (Hellings motions towards the street) My rental car broke down and I need to call the guys over at Budget."

RICK-
"Oh my god! You're Scott Hellings from the RWW, right?"

Ugh. Like I've said millions of times before, I hate, hate, HATE reading roleplays when a wrestler is somehow known by everyone across the world. You walk into a restaurant, everyone there knows who you are. Seriously, I don't think half of the guys in WWE today could say that. At any rate, once again I violate my rules. You can tell that things about to go downhill fast.

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, of course I am! Can I use your phone?"

(Rick turns to the cameras)

RICK-
"Wow! What an unexpected treat for us here! Not only do we have N*Sync live at Much today but we also have The Boy!"

I don't think that many people would honestly be that thrilled if a wrestler showed up randomly. Likely because they probably don't reall know who they are.

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, great. I just a need a phone. My car broke down and I need to call the rental agency."

RICK-
"What kind of car is it?"

Does that matter?

HELLINGS-(Shrugs his shoulders.)
"A 1991 Pontiac Tempest. What the HELLings were they thinking when they gave me that?"

Never mind that rental agencies only ever rent out newer cars...this was all just a reference to my old car. Man that was a piece of crap. Seriously, the thing caught on fire. TWICE. So that was basically an inside joke. Because I never do those. *cough* What?

RICK-
"Hey, that is rough. Listen, you want to stick around for a while?"

HELLINGS-
"Well, I should really go back to the car."

RICK-
"That can wait! So, you faced off against Killer Instinct on this past Monday Gold in a cage match. I watched that match and I thought it was great, by the way."

When did Rick become Michael Cole?

HELLINGS-(The Boy isn't really paying attention. He is looking around for a phone.)
"Uh huh."

RICK-
"Were you upset that it wasn't a title match? I mean, especially now that you actually won the match you must be really upset."

Does Rick think wrestling is actually real? You would think so from the questions he's asking.

HELLINGS-
"Well, if Rob Gamble wants to keep trying to screw me over, that's fine. But last night I proved to the world that I can play with the big boys. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it! Last night I beat our champion Killer Instinct and in doing so I became the Unofficial RWW World Champion! Last night, Killer Instinct tried to put me away and he couldn't do it. I showed the world that I am willing to do anything to win in Rampage World Wrestling! I mean, I went off the top of the cage and through a table!"

That's right - THIS is how I was going to follow up getting my first-ever main event and beating the champ in a non-title match. Fortunately, I 86'd this one before it was posted. That would have been awful.

RICK-
"Yeah that must have hurt!"

I'm gonna go out on a limb, but I'd say that's a safe bet.

HELLINGS-
"I think I got a piece of table stuck in me somewhere actually. (Looks around) Where's the phone?"

RICK-
"So when WILL you get a title match against Killer Instinct then?"

Because I apparently book the show, so I would know. It's just like when I used to work for my local newspaper as a student, people woud say to me "when is this going to be in the paper?" How the hell would I know?

HELLINGS-
"I don't know, but I'm glad you asked. At the upcoming pay per view there is a world title match. I propose that I should also be added to that match. And to help my cause I have made... (Hellings pulls out a stack of buttons from his back pocket.) ...buttons!"

That's a cool gimmick I enjoyed and wished I had pursued more actively. I kinda cribbed it from Al Snow. Yes, THAT Al Snow. Remember when he wanted to be commissioner and he campaigned for the job? Yeah me either. I believe Matt Maters later did the same thing too. Everyone loves Al Snow I guess. Well, I know Thom does, which makes me respect Thom less. If that's even possible. That's right Thom - I hate you too.

(Hellings heads back outside and starts throwing the buttons into the crowd. The girls are screaming and seem pretty excited that Hellings is here. Just to egg on the crowd, he does a few mock Hulk Hogan poses to appease the crowd. The girls eat it up. The Boy heads back inside to look for his phone.)

Hogan poses rule! I do them myself all the time. By the way, that's a good job by me to violate my rule of not mentioning other wrestlers outside of the fed. Do I ever listen to myself? Obviously not - I vowed to never post this roleplay and here it is on my site. I blame Stu for coercing me into posting it.

RICK-(Laughing)
"That's great! I am so glad you showed up here today! I was really not looking forward to interviewing those N*Sync guys for like the fiftieth time!"

I'm not sure it's a good idea to say stuff like that on the air, with all the N*Sync fans watching and the guys themselves hanging out in the building. I'm guessing you could get fired for that sort of thing. Oh well.

(Just then the girls start changting "Scott" over and over. Suddenly, MC Tommy Dee and Damon Gest come through the crowd and into the building. The girls are really going nuts now.)

That's right, the girls even know who we are because they are going crazy over us. Kill me.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Dude! Where the hell have you been? Me and Damon have been sitting in the car for like ten minutes!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey I know! This guy (points over at Rick) won't show me where the phone is!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Dude you don't understand, Damon was singing again."

HELLINGS-
"So?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Have you ever heard him sing? Imagine the way he talks and then imagine him singing like that!"

HELLINGS-(Thinks for a second and then shudders)
"I'm sorry."

DAMON GEST-
"Hey! You want to hear me sing?"

(The girls cheer)

Well to be fair, they like N*Sync, so they'll probably like anything. Oh burn! Actually, I'm ashamed to admit that I actually like a lot of N*Sync music. Yeah, I know, don't even say it.

HELLINGS AND DEE-
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

(Suddenly the girls are heard screaming louder and we see N*Sync come into the shot.)

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"Excuse me! This is supposed to be our interview time!"

HELLINGS-
"So what!? You should thanks us for giving you this extra time off so you can go get that whiny voice of yours looked at by a doctor or something! I mean, what happened to you? I fell through a freakin' table off the top of a steel cage and I still talk normal"

His voice does kinda scare me. And that was kinda funny. Or, at least that is about as good as this one is going to get.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"Is that so?"

DAMON GEST-
"I talk normalrific too!"

HELLINGS-
"Ignore him."

I hated typing speech for Damon Gest, because it was alwas so painful coming up with different suffixes. I always thought that maybe I was killing that joke, the one about Damon claiming he "talks normal," as it appeared in tons of roleplays. But people always seemed to love it. They loved the character too.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"I don't think I will. This is our interview time, not yours."

Justin sounds exactly like The Boy, obsessed with his TV time.

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it then?"

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"We are gonna go outside and sing for our fans. Then, we are going to come back in here and kick your asses! Right guys?"

(With Justin's back to his bandmates, the other members of N*Sync look at PSI and mouth the word "no.")

I love the idea that the rest of the band knows better, but they are afraid to speak up to their "leader" Justin.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"You talk pretty big there. Well, you know what? I bet we can sing better than you guys can!"

Oh dear God. Wh...what is happening?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"Prove it!"

No, please don't do it. I think I brain my damage.

RICK-
"Hey yeah! Sing for us PSI!"

It's no good captain, she's gonna blow!

(They look at each other and shrug their shoulders.)

HELLINGS-(Grabs Rick)
"Alright, but you're singing with us!"

Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!

(PSI and Rick head outside and start singing "Bye Bye Bye." The girls eat it up and surprisingly, the four actually sing and dance quite well. Send your hate mail to [email protected]The only thing slightly bad about their rendition is Damon Gest's habit of adding suffixes to words, thus making it "Bye Bye Bye-asaurus Rex." They finish the song and come back inside.)

RICK-
"Wow! I had no idea you guys could sing so well."

I feel violated.

HELLINGS-
"Hey, I am The Boy and that means I am The Best!"

Hurray for attempt at justifying...well, whatever the hell that was.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"That is it! I've had it! Get 'em boys!"

LANCE BASS-
"Uh....do we have to Justin?"

JOEY FATONE-
"Yeah, I mean, these guys are professional wrestlers and all."

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE-
"HEY! Remember you lackies, without me you're nothing! I own you! Now do my bidding!"

It's sad, but true. What have the other N*Syncers done after the band moved on? And yes I know that Joey was in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," but that's about it. Poor Lance got a ton of publicity when he came out and said he was gay. If I had to pick, Lance was always my favourite too. What does that say about me? Not that there's anything wrong with that. What I found hilarious about that whole thing is that while the group was hot, everyone joked about how they were all gay. In fact, boy bands in general were always seen as really gay. And then when one of them actually comes out, everyone's shocked. What the hell?

(The boy band shrugs and then starts circling PSI and snapping their fingers. They start dancing around, snapping their finers. They do this in a manner that is reminiscent of a "West Side Story" fight scene. I was in "West Side Story," which is why I had to make fun of it here. Seriously, have you seen the "fighting" in that movie/play? No self-respecting gang would do that. Ever. I'm pretty sure if a boy band were to get into a brawl, it would look like this.They continue to dance for a minute or so. PSI doesn't seem phased at all. Tommy Dee is yawning, Damon Gest is trying to snap his fingers in time with N*Sync and Scott Hellings has finally found a phone and is calling the car rental people, completely ignoring N*Sync.Create your own joke about ignoring N*Sync here. Finally, Justing makes his move. But Scott Hellings simply grabs Timberlake by the throat and gives him the Chokeslam to HELLings through a nearby table. Of course there's a nearby table! How horribly convenient! And yet I made no reference to it when I talked about me going through a table the previous edition of Monday Gold. Come on man, it was right there! I guess I was too busy being on crack.The rest of NSync seem scared and unsure of what to do without their "leader")

LANCE BASS-
"Oh no! I think he killed Justin!"

That's very much so like the killing of Kenny on "South Park." Do they even do that gimmick anymore? I hope not. You know what else I hope for? This to be over.

JOEY FATONE-
"Do you know what this means?"

THE N*SYNC GUYS-
"WE'RE FREE!"

I wish someone would free me from this right about now.

LANCE BASS-
"Oh man! We can go off on our own and be a huge success without Justin holding us back! I can finally make that movie I've been wanting to do!"

And so he did. I've sadly never seen "On the Line," even though I have come dangerously close several times (don't ask). It does have Dave Foley in it though, so it can't be all bad, right? Right?

(The remaning members of the band run off and out into the streets where they are chased by a few adoring fans. However, most of the preteen girls seem more enamored with PSI than N*Sync after seeing them sing and dance)

HELLINGS-
"Wait a minute. Those guys are going to make movies?"

(PSI shudders in horror)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"I think you just released a great evil on this world."

You mean like this roleplay?

DAMON GEST-
"If there is one thing worse than a boy bandamundo, it's a boy band making moviespalooza!"

I really liked to make fun of boy bands, didn't I? I have no idea why. I always remember this other awful roleplay I did once where we all ended up beating up a bunch of people at a Trekkies convention and then chased after The Backstreet Boy tour bus to beat them up too. I have no idea why, but the roleplay was equally dumb. Damn, PSI seems like psychopaths sometimes, don't they?

RICK-
"I can't figure out how they figure they are going to be a success without Justin. I mean, they all suck equally!"

There's a joke there if you want there to be.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Dude! I just realized....you just beat up Britney Spears' boyfriend!"

Wow, is that how old this thing is? Britney's been there and done that since then. Literally. Oh! Britney Spears jokes! I've never done those either!

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, but it had to be done. (Tommy nods in agreement) And you know something? If only I could do this to each and every one of the boy bands out there I truly believe the world would be a much better place."

There's a lot of people who deserve to be hurt. What do you mean I'm one of them?

DAMON GEST-
"Indeed-oso."

(MC Tommy Dee places his hand on Hellings' shoulder.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"We should go."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah the guys at the car rental place said they would be dropping off a new car soon. Let's go wait."

(They walk off, leaving the screaming girls and Rick. Fade to black.)

Well...that was a train wreck of a roleplay. It had almost nothing to do with anything. If it weren't so wacky and beyond comprehensible, it wouldn't have been so bad. I'm glad I never posted this, because it was just too insane for an actual roleplay. Like I said, once we start dancing it goes all downhill. I'm not sure what ever posessed me to write this exactly, I'm just glad I managed to kill it before it was too late. I hope you enjoyed this strange and wonderful journey. I haven't.

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