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commentary:
THE BOY ON THE FIXED GAME SHOW
Hey, here we go with yet another commentary. This particular roleplay was one of my favourites back in the day. It was a very goofy idea: going on a children's game show so that one day I could prove that I deserve to be the world champion because I have a great knowledge of international geography. At first, when I went to write it I thought, "do such shows actually exist?" But then I rememberd "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" and I decided to run with it. I think the idea works well. By the way, that show was freakin' hard. Stupid Carmen always got away. But at least we got to be entertained by Rockapella. Or...something. Anyway, let's get it on!
(The scene opens up with the intro to a children's game show entitled "Geography Challenge." As
the intro comes to an end the host of the show, Chuck, comes out and intorduces us to the competitors.)
CHUCK-
"Hi and welcome to Geography Challenge! Let me introduce our players for today's show.
First up we have Bobby, who is ten and from Seattle. Welcome Bobby! (The camera cuts and
shows Bobby, who waves at the camera.) Next up we have Debbie, who is nine and from
San Diego. Welcome to the show Debbie! (The camera pans to the left and shows Debbie, who
smiles.) And lastly, well....folks. I have to admit-we were mislead. We though we got a phone call
from a parent who said his boy wanted to come on the show. However, we misheard and instead
it was some guy who was telling us The Boy from Rampage World Wrestling is here to compete. (The camera
pans to the left once more and shows Scott Hellings sitting behind his podium. He is wearing
a black RWW shirt and he waves at the camera.)"
I swear to you every other game show host is named Chuck. By the way, that's a really stupid, albeit slightly humorous idea: that the game show people thought they were getting A boy and not The Boy as a contestant. Man, I am so clever.
HELLINGS-
"Thanks for having me on the show, Chuck."
CHUCK-
"You are too old to play the show, but apparently you signed some sort of contract with our
producers that allows you to compete. So just sit there, shut up and let the kids win."
Contracts will let you do anything. Trust me. For instance, I know that if you sign any kind of contract in WWE that it is somehow legally binding. They can literally make you do anything. Remember when Billy Gunn lost to Jamie Noble and Torrie Wilson was thus contractually obligated to have sex with Noble? Or when Eddie and Rey Mysterio fought in a ladder match for custody of Dominic? I think more custody battles need to be resolved that way. So you see? Anything is possible! Man, I miss that gimmick of mine; it produced a lot of great roleplays. It was cheezy, but it worked for the character and it helped to explain how I got myself into such cornball situations.
HELLINGS-
"Uh...can't do that Chuck. I'm here to brush up on my geography, as I will soon be the RWW
World Champion. And I feel that if I am going to be the world champion, I have to be an ambassador
for the entire world. And this show should help me learn all about the wonderful world in which we live."
CHUCK-(Annoyed and talking out of the side of his mouth)
"Let the damn kids win you idiot!"
HELLINGS-
"Let them win? Excuse me? You want me to let Debbie here win? Come on,
Chuck! She has to be the ugliest kid I have EVER seen! (Debbie starts to cry as Chuck listens
in horor from behind his desk.) Look at her smile! It's hideous! I'm doing her a favor by beating her, it helps
her get used to all the disappointments in life she will have to endure! Besides, I'm gonna win anyway. After all, I am
The Boy and that means I am The Best!"
I named Debbie after a girl I went to school with who was not exactly the most attractive girl around. Normally, I would feel bad about saying that sort of thing, but she was not that nice of a person to me I found. Besides, sometimes you just can't hide ugly.
CHUCK-(Sighs)
"Let's just get on with the first round. Every question is worth one hundred dollars. Put your hands
on your buzzers and get ready to answer this question. What South American country is home
to the majestic Angel Falls?"
A hundred dollars seems like a lot of money for a kids game show, doesn't it? I guess I forgot that most kids shows have you win, like, a new bike or something stupid.
(Bobby buzzes in.)
BOBBY-
"Venezuela!"
The only reason I know that is because I wrote a report on Venezuela in grade eight. Stay in school kids.
CHUCK-
"That's correct for one hundred dollars!"
HELLINGS-
"Hang on a second! He made that up! There is no country called (making quotation marks with his
fingers) Venezuela! Bobby is lying and I demand there be reprecussions!"
The irony here, in case you missed it, is that I think I'll be a great world champion because of my knowledge of world geography, and I've never even heard of Venezuela. The humour is so subtle, it's almost non-existant.
DEBBIE-
"No, he's not! That's the right answer!"
HELLINGS-
"Hey! Stay out of this! This is between me and Bobby! So just shut up over there, ugly!"
(Debbie starts to cry again.)
I know the poor girl must be upset, but she does seem to cry rather easily, doesn't she? I mean she only started crying like a few lines before that - when did she even stop? Why bother? That girl has some wicked bad mood swings for someone who's only eight. Oh well, it's cheap heat, so I'll take it.
BOBBY-
"She's not ugly!"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah she is! She's hideous! Look at her, her face looks like Picasso made it! It's not
natural, it's disgusting!"
BOBBY-
"She's not ugly!"
HELLINGS-
"Is too!"
BOBBY-
"Is not!"
HELLINGS-
"Is too!"
I think that may be the first time The Boy ever got into an argument with a kid. That's history being made right there. You could debate over whether or not it's a good thing though. In case you haven't picked up on it yet: his name is THE BOY and he's immature. It's not rocket science developing characters. It is a lot harder if you want to get paid to write though.
(As Debbie continues to cry away, a few technicians try to comfort her. Chuck reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a silver flask and takes a long drink.)
That's right: the host of a children's game show is drinking. Alcoholism amuses me.
CHUCK-
"We'll be back after this commerical break!"
(The camera fades out and goes to commerical. The scene opens up once again moments later. Debbie has left the show and
now only Bobby, with $100 and The Boy, with 0 dollars remain.)
Wow, check it out: Debbie left. I don't even think I was THAT cruel. I mean, you would think a kid would want to hang around for a chance to win all that cash, but I guess not.
CHUCK-
"We're back. We will now begin the second round. For two hundred dollars...what is the capital city of Indonesia?"
Whatever happened to kids game shows? I remember there used to be a Canadian spelling bee one when I was younger, but I always thought that one was boring. There was also "KidStreet" which was awesome because of the stupid way they made the kids clap (over the head). I miss that show. I suppose they still do "Video and Arcade Top 10" on YTV, but that show has sucked for years. It was never that good to begin with. *sigh* In case you can't tell, I love game shows. My first year of university, it was pretty much the only television I watched. "The Price is Right" is still the ultimate though. Anyone want to buy me that Game Show Network? Anyone? How about WWE 24/7? No? Ungrateful bastards.
(Hellings buzzes in.)
HELLINGS-
"Rome!"
I'd say that is one of the worst answers you could possibly give.
CHUCK-
"Incorrect. Rome's in Italy...idiot."
(Bobby buzzes in.)
BOBBY-
"Jakarta?"
Aren't you amazed by the amount of research that went into this roleplay? You can find anything through Google!
CHUCK-
"That's right for two hundred dollars!"
HELLINGS-
"I don't believe this! This show is fixed! I hope one day they make a movie about this sort of thing!"
BOBBY-
"They did. It was called Quiz Show you dummy."
That's right, I'm referencing 1950s scandals. What can I say? The kids love their 1950s nostalgia. You know, that's why I'm successful: because I stay contemporary.
HELLINGS-
"And now the kid is trying to show me up on movie trivia! I can't take it anymore! This place is crooked! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
By the way, is that a movie that a ten year old kid would actually watch? Even if it is, would they have actually seen it (it is pretty old now). I mean, really? Would they understand what it's about?
CHUCK-
"No it isn't you moron! You keep getting the answers wrong!"
HELLINGS-
"You know something? The RWW needs to hire new agents! I'm stuck on a corrupt children's quiz show! This sort of thing just has to stop!"
CHUCK-
"If you're finished, can we move on?"
HELLINGS-
"Please!"
CHUCK-
"For two hundred dollars, what country has borders on Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Iran and Afghanistan?"
(Bobby buzzes in)
BOBBY-
"Turkmenistan!"
CHUCK-
"That exactly right!"
I didn't even make that up. Once again, these questions and their answers were thoroughly researched by trained professionals, who spent many hours on this. I once wrote a James Bond short story for school that took place in Turkmenistan, so that's the only reason I've ever heard of it. I have no knowledge of the country whatsoever though.
HELLINGS-
"Okay, okay. You made that one up for sure! This kid's been given all the answers! I demand satisfaction!"
"I demand satisfaction?" Since when did I start talking like a Civil War-era Southener? "You have offended me suh, I challenge you to a duel!" If the kids thought the 1950s references were great, they'll LOVE the dialogue ripped out of "Gone With the Wind."
CHUCK-
"Uh, oh. I think I hear the siren for the end of the round! (Chuck coughs and the siren goes.) Oh darn! That means
this round is over and Scott, you won't get to go on to our bonus round! Too bad. Well, it's been......an adventure
having you here. Now leave! (Shouts off stage) Security!"
That's an amazingly short game show. What did they ask, like, three questions? I know The Boy caused a scene, but that seems like they're jumping the gun a bit.
(Two large security men come and drag Hellings away.)
HELLINGS-(shouting to Bobby)
"FINE! I just hope you can sleep at night Bobby, knowing they rigged the damn game!"
BOBBY-
"You're a sore loser!"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, and you're a cheater! Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!"
I've never understood that phrase. Do kids even say that anymore? Or did that go out with the Civil War too?
BOBBY-
"Shut up!"
HELLINGS-
"You're a cheater AND you have the hots for Debbie!"
BOBBY-
"Do not!"
HELLINGS-
"Yes you do! Bobby and Debbie sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First..."
Did you ever wonder why you're supposed to be kissing in a tree in that rhyme? Seriously, a tree? Not a tree house, a freakin' tree. Honestly, when I think of someone sitting in a tree, I think of someone being a peeping tom. So is that what the song is all about: a boy got caught spying on a girl, who then was so flattered with stalking that she came up to make out with him? Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who would have ever thought of that. But, seriously, when you watch a movie or a TV show, the only reason people climb trees is to spy on other people. The song's creepy.
BOBBY-
"Shut up! You're just upset because you got beat by a kid!"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah? Well you know something Bobby? Santa Claus ain't real you know!"
Well not with that attitude he isn't.
BOBBY-
"Neither is wrestling!"
That's a great line, if I do say so myself. I give myself a big pat on the back for that one. *pat*
HELLINGS-
"THAT'S IT! LET ME AT HIM!"
(As Hellings tries to grab for Bobby, the camera fades out into commerical break and into black.)
And there you go! See, I liked that one. The Bobby character was better than the Debbie one (did she even have a character???), but she was basically there for me to pick on and be a jerk too. Actually, I think she was just there so I could make fun of some girl I went to high school with and haven't seen since. I'm horribly vindictive and cruel I guess. Anywa, these days if I were to do it the roleplay would end up being much longer; I think it was little too abrupt. Like I said, they only asked like three questions. Plus, Debbie left right away. It would have been better if I stuck with it a little longer, developed the characters better and had more of an actual game show. Then again, back then, I (and pretty much everyone else in RWW) didn't do really long roleplays. I still maintain it's a good concept though and it is still decent for the length I gave it. If nothing else I think this roleplay is memorable because I'm pretty sure it has to be the first one ever where The Boy got involved in a fight with a kid, which he has since gone on to do so many times since. Historical rolepaly folks. And I'm not just talking about all the extremely dated references either. All in all, not too bad. Although I just learned it's quite old timey, isn't it? Dagnabbit.
  
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