commentary: THE BOY ON FEAR FACTOR

Welcome to another commentary with me, your gracious host. You know I was just thinking it might be fun to get other people to do these commentaries too. That's an interesting thought. I'll pursue that later. Anyway, moving on...this, as you know by now, is "The Boy on Fear Factor." The concept for this one is simple: Stupac named his finisher The Fear Factor, so it seemed only natural to head to the show of the same name "to study up" on what to expect. Plus, the show was just starting out around that time I believe and was only just hitting it big, so it had a solid idea behind it. I just think that it didn't get executed as well as it should have. I'm going to warn you now that I think I'll go off on a lot of rants in this one, so stay with me.

(The scene opens up on the set of the hit TV show, "Fear Factor". We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings and MC Tommy Dee enter the shot. They are standing in a line along with another man and three women. In front of them is the host of the show, Joe Rogan.)

JOE-
"Alright, you know how the game works. You each have to complete three tasks to win. If you cannot complete a task, or you don't want to attempt it, you are out of the game. So you know what to do and I assume you all know why you are here."

Evidently, this is a rare roleplay in that we didn't have to sabotage anyone or muscle our way onto the show because Joe seems to know we are there as contestants and seems okay with it. Crazy.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Right! We are here to "face our fears" and get ready for our match against Stupac and Matt Mathers on Monday!"

Good, get that lousy exposition out of the way. By the way, I hate exposition in a show, a film, or pretty much anything else that just REEKS of exposition. As Homer Simpson would say, "what are you, the narrator?"

JOE-
"What are you talking about? You're supposed to be here to win money!"

Is Joe actually rooting for us? As an interesting side note: in case you didn't know, Joe Rogan was on my favourite sitcom of all time, Newsradio. He played a character named Joe actually. And on the Season One and Two DVD he does a commentary where he talks about the show. And he seems to really hate the show. He calls it an awful show and refers to it as "Joe Gets Paid," because that's basically what it is. He stands there, earning money while other people put themselves through hell. Funny stuff. Although I did like the show it's train wreck appeal, it seems that the gross-out factor gets worse and worse all the time. I was convinced that eventually one of the tasks would have been to eat a large place of Joe Rogan's feces.

HELLINGS-
"In theory. But my cohort, Tommy is correct. We are here to get ready for our match on Monday. (Hellings looks directly at the camera.) Which by the way you folks at home can catch on The Fox Networks this Monday night! (Hellings looks back over to Joe.) Sorry about, the plug Joe. But I couldn't resist the temptation of live TV."

JOE-
"This isn't live, it's being taped."

You would think I would have noticed that. I've often thought that Fear Factor must be a fairly boring show 90% of the time you are on it. After all, a lot of their stunts are pretty elaborate and they involve a great deal of setup. I mean, they almost always have a stunt that involves you getting into some harness and assorted safety gear and you know that must take a bit of prep time right there. Or when they do something like dump eighty million bugs on you, the next person who goes always gets into an empty box. They have to get all the bugs out between contestants. I actually heard that someone from WWE who was on the show once (don't remember who) said they hated all the waiting involved with the show. A friend tried to argue that point with me once, but there obviously must be something to my theory. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

HELLINGS-
"You think they'll keep that in anyway?"

JOE-
"I hope not. Beside, it's not gonna make a difference! By the time this airs your match will be over!"

Well theoretically it IS a weekly show and not just some special, so at least I'm plugging the show one way or the other. Think about it.

HELLINGS-
"Oh. Well thanks, Joe! You really know how to let a guy down gently, don't you?"

(Joe sighs and rolls his eyes.)

JOE-
"So how will this show help you prepare for your match?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Because Stupac is always telling us to 'face our fears.' We hear this is the best place to do that sort of thing!"

Like I said, this actually is a decent idea for a roleplay. It just ended up sorta sucking.

HELLINGS-
"That, and we figured this show has the same name as his finisher—The Fear Factor. How could this NOT get us ready for the match?!"

Yeah way to rip people off Stu. Come on man, can't you come up with anything original? What do you mean I rip people off all the time? Whatever. You know what I think? You can't handle the truth!

JOE-
"Whatever. Just don't do anything stupid!"

(Joe walks away, as do the other contestants, leaving Tommy and The Boy behind.)

HELLINGS-
"What an idiot! Who does he think we are?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Yeah! Why the hell would he set himself up to be disappointed like that?!"

At least we're aware that we act retarded.

(Hellings and Dee just shake their heads. The camera cuts out and fades back in. We are now inside an abandoned warehouse.)

JOE-
"Okay. So, we are left with four contestants-Mike, Sarah and, of course, MC Tommy Dee and Scott Hellings. Thanks largely to the fact that PSI here made Kelly and Amber quit. The Boy told them during the first task that eating a cricket was just like eating Jimminy Crickett, the beloved Disney character. Sarah and Amber both went home crying after Hellings and Tommy Dee broke out into a chorus of 'When You Wish Upon a Star' Nice one fellas."

What? People already quit? And we didn't get to see it? By the way, if the thought of eating something that vaguely reminds you of a Disney character is so traumatic you give up a chance to win thousands of dollars, well...you should probably see a therapist. You're obviously a wimp and maybe Fear Factor wasn't the best choice of show for you to compete on. I'm just saying. By the way, how is it that you never hear of PETA coming down on these guys? Shouldn't there be someone, somewhere, who would be opposed to you eating crickets or the like? I heard Tim Robbins once say that while filming The Shawshank Redemption, PETA was there to keep an eye on things because there was A MAGGOT in one scene and they wanted to ensure it was treated right. That story might not be true, but...you get my point.

HELLINGS-
"Hey! It's not my fault they couldn't face their fears!"

JOE-
"Acutually, it is your fault. Anwyay, moving on to the second task-the snake pit. You will be lying down in a pit for two minutes with two dozen snakes crawling overtop of you. And just so things don't screw up, I'm making Tommy Dee go first."

I've actually seen this stunt done on the show. No original ideas here folks. You want original? Make them get on a plane and put snakes on the plane. Sweet! Snakes on a Plane reference!

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Fair enough!"

(Tommy lies down in the pit and they start dumping the snakes on top of him. Joe starts the clock and looks on as though he wishes one of the snakes would bit Tommy. After about ten seconds, Dee starts pulling the snakes off of him.)

JOE-
"HA! I got you! You quit!"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"No I didn't! You never said I couldn't take the snakes off of me. You said I would be in a snakepit for two minutes, but you never said I couldn't get rid of the snakes!"

That is very true. Has anyone ever thought of that?

JOE-
"What? Huh? No! You're wrong! That's cheating! You cheated!"

Like he gives a damn one way or the other. Remember, no matter who wins, Joe gets paid.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Eat me."

(As Joe searches for an answer Tommy starts literally throwing the snakes out of the pit. One lands inches away from the contestant, Sarah, who runs off screaming. A few are thrown in Joe's direction, who also runs away.)

HELLINGS-
"Buddy, that was some great work! We are definitely learning how to face our fears! Stupac and Mathers are SO dead on Monday!"

(Tommy is holding the large python in his hands, stroking it. Hellings looks at him inquisitvely.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"What? I was figuring I could maybe keep this one. I could keep it in a sack and carry it with me to the ring!"

HELLINGS-
"I don't know man. It's been done."

Ugh, not another reference to a real wrestler. Let's just piss all over our own rules, shall we? To be fair though, that was more subtly done and was about a wrestler who has not been active in many years, so it offends me less. Plus, it IS kind of amusing. Right?

(Joe comes back into the shot, slightly out of breath.)

JOE-
"That's it! You guys are done! You are out of here! You are continuing to endanger the lives of the other contestants and you are also cheating! Get outta here!"

Continuing? When did we start? By the way, I just want to let you all know that although it seems I really hate these roleplays and I seem to think I suck or something, that is not really the case. I'm just being a smartass prick, but at least I'm proving that I can laugh at myself. I think part of the problem is that my roleplaying style has changed so much since these early days (in fact, to be fair, a lot of my so-called "rules" weren't really decided upon until more recently). I just like to point out that I'm never satisfied with these roleplays because that's just part of me being a writer. No matter what I write I never really like it. Even something "PSI in Jolly Old England," which I loved as soon as I finished it, I don't care for as much now because I see how it could have been so much better. So just to clarify that I don't hate myself, I'm just a perfectionist. Here, look at this, taken from Marc Blake's How to Be a Sitcom Writer: "print it out and give yourself a week to let it settle. Then read it through. The chances are you will come across things you would lke to change. Good. That means you are a writer" (page 180). See? It's just that I can never be satisfied. Or maybe I just suck. Either way.

(Tommy pulls out a large, tacky necklace that he throws around his neck.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"You can't! We have immunity!"

JOE-(yelling)
"That's Survivor! "

I was going for the joke that Tommy and I get all reality television mixed up because all reality television is awful. And it is. But Fear Factor is not really a reality show per se, so it doesn't really work that great. It is just a game show really. It is deceptive though, because it is filmed in a manner quite similar to reality shows (ie. camera work, visual style, and the testimonials of contestants), which I think is just meant to cash in on the success of reality programming. There is no glitz or gloss that you see on regular game shows. Think of how over the top Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was. This show is practically the antithesis of that. Anyway, the joke didn't work out so great. I guess one of the problems was that I didn't (and still don't really) watch reality TV back then, so I didn't have enough knowledge and experience to draw from. Not as if that's ever stopped me before though. Besides, that's what Wikipedia is for.

HELLINGS-
"No, actually it in our contract with the show. You can't kick us out, this is a promotional appearance. Tommy just likes to wear the necklace for effect."

(Joe sighs).

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Besides, if you want to kick someone out, kick Mike out!"

JOE-
"WHY?!!!"

HELLINGS-
"I have it on good authority that he is the mole."

I always thought that show really sucked. Here's another rant: I think the success of reality television is simply because it is so cheap to make (because you're not using professionals and the editing and style is meant to look more raw, more "real") and because you can keep pumping them out relatively quickly. Thus, you also never have reruns; aftter a season of Survivor, you never have to watch the reruns of the season in the summer because they can pump out another version of the show as soon as they need to really. Which, in turn, brings in more press coverage, more hype and, more importantly, more advertising dollars and promotional spending from companies who want their products to be seen on the show. It literally takes 39 days to film and maybe a month or two to edit. That's it. A scripted show doesn't have that luxury because it can't keep pumping stuff out from a creative standpoint and because they have to pay actors (a cast like Friends got a million dollars per episode over 21-24 episodes a season), so they have to have reruns. So in the summer months, no one wants to watch reruns, but you can at least watch all new episodes of your favourite (?) reality show. The downside to reality television is that if the cast sucks, people will tune out for the whole season, making it harder to come back for the next season. So what I am getting at is that it is not that people are opposed to scripted television (CSI anyone?), it is just that reality television will never really die off, no matter how much people start tuning out, simply because it's cheap and easy to make. Also, people will inevtiably watch the stuff somewhat, because there are never any reruns, which means more advertising money. It's not fair dammit. There we go with my side note. To sum up: I hate reality television, I really do. Do all of television a favour and boycot it. Okay, maybe I'm bitter because I'm a writer trying to break into television but you get my point...

(Joe just storms off. The camera fades out and comes back in. We are now on a plane flying above the Atlantic Ocean.)

I guess that snake scared off Sarah, although we'll never know. This roleplay is moving along too quickly. I mean, the challenges have barely been noticeable; the snake thing was stupid-fast and we never got to see the people eating crickets. I know I always say roleplays should focus on wrestling and that stuff doesn't, but in this case you could make it work if you tried hard enough. I was just too lazy to write the challenges in there, or to allow them any sort of time to develop naturally. I was too busy trying to squeeze things in. Plus, back then I was afraid of posting anything too long, whereas these days I'll stick with something as long as I need to get my point across. That is why a lot of these older roleplays are not that great when I look back on them, because I was too busy trying to get the setting and concept down, without really mentioning a match or angle itself as much. For example, in "PSI On Dinner and a Movie," I take up the whole time trying to make fun of WCW and TBS, and not really dealing with anything going on in RWW too much. Had I let things develop instead of rushing, I could have done both and the RP would have been much better.

JOE-
"Okay! In this task you must jump ten thousand feet out of this plane and into the icy cold water below. So, grab your parachutes! Mike, you're up first!"

(The Canadian Legend hands Mike a parachute.)

HELLINGS-
"Here you go."

JOE-
"LET ME SEE THAT FIRST!"

(Joe grabs the parachute and opens it. Inside is nothing more than silverware. He glares over at The Boy and Tommy Dee in shock.)

JOE-
"You were actually going to give him that parachute!?"

HELLINGS-
"Just keeping you on your toes, Joe. Besides, I saw it on Bugs Bunny once. Trust me, it would have been damn funny!"

It's funny because I was going to kill him. In case you haven't been able to tell, cartoons have had a huge influence on me. I watched thousands of hours of them when I was a kid. I especially liked the Warner Bros Looney Tunes stuff (Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck cartoons were the best) and Tex Avery and the MGM stuff (Droopy, Tom and Jerry). Other than The Flinstones and The Jetsons, I hated Hanna Barbara's characters. Which is why I think I love Harvey Birdman these days. And Disney never did it for me either, aside from maybe Donald Duck and Chip and Dale.

(Joe grabs his forehead, as though he has a headache. Mike grabs a real parachute and goes to the door of the plane. He waits and waits and waits. He is scared.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Just go, dude!"

MIKE-
"I can't! I'm afraid!"

(Hellings sighs and gets up and walks over to the door. He taps Mike on the back. As Mike turns around, Hellings grabs him ny the throat and gives him The Chokeslam to HELLings out of the plane! Mike pulls his cord and lands in the water safely. Joe jumps up and starts yelling.)

It sounds devastating, but I don't think the chokeslam is that much different from him just jumping. Although we did once get some great photos of me chokeslamming Thom into the lake off the boat, which, again sounds a lot more devastating than it really is. Still, it was fun and, if given the opportunity, I would TOTALLY chokeslam someone out of a plane. You know, as long as they had a parachute or something. What? Don't look at me like that.

JOE-
"What the hell were you thinking?"

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Please! He's fine, plus he gets to win the money!"

See? I'm not such a bad guy after all. Ignore the whole fake parachute thing though.

JOE-
"I never want to see you two ever again!"

(Hellings and Dee just nod in agreement. The camera fades out and fades back into the parking lot outside of the 'Fear Factor' studios.)

HELLINGS-
"Well, I'm gad Mike won. And, as a bonus, we are totally prepared for Stupac and Mathers on Monday! He doesn't stand a chance!! By the way, where is Damon?"

Yeah I'm glad Mike won too. He had such a great character. I felt like we all really bonded there.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Oh, he went across the street. They're doing auditions for the next Making the Band. You wanna go?"

HELLINGS-
"Just try and stop me! Let's go!"

Why are we always singing? Seriously, extras in Brodaway musicals break out into song less frequently as we seem to.

(As the two walk off they notice an old, run down school across the street.)

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Hey! You figure that is the old school DDP keeps talking about?"

One guy was using DDP in RWW, only he altered the character into this guy who really seemed to long for "the old days." So he kept referring to doing things "old school," hence the cheap joke. It was really funny at the time, although now no one gets it and it hasn't aged well.

HELLINGS-
"I'd rather not know."

(Tommy nods in agreement. The two continue to walk across the parking lot to go find Damon Gest. Fade to black.)

Well there we are. I told you I would rant. But at leat I think I brought up some valid stuff. Or at least that's what I'll tell myself. Overlall, it's not a bad roleplay, but I think the concept was better than the actual delivery here. Anyway, this has been fun, catch you next time!

---

BACK TO TOP