commentary: THE BOY WILL BE THERE FOR YOU

Welcome all to another commentary. This one features The Boy doing a guest bit on "Friends." I chose Friends because it was probably one of the only shows on television I had a good base knowledge of, simply because I actually enjoyed the show. I also felt it was one of those shows that most people are probably familiar with, and would thus understand what is going on. I liked this roleplay back in the day, but I always felt it was never given the recognition it deserved.

(The scene opens up on the set of the hit show "Friends." On this episode Scott "The Boy" Hellings has a special guest apperance as Rachel's love interest, who also happens to be her gynecologist. The scene begins with Hellings knocking on the door and being let in by Rachel. Chandler is seen sitting on the couch.)

I honestly swear that the ladies of "Friends" have dated like a million doctors. At least it seems that way, although I don't know why. Plus, if I believe everything I see on sitcoms, it shows me that all single, attractive women will date a doctor at some point in time. That, and that there is an abundance of single, attractive women. Guaranteed. Does that really happen in real life? I don't know, but it the world of sitcoms, it's pretty common to find a young, handsome, and (as luck would have it) single doctor. Strange, but true.

RACHEL- "Hi, Scott. Listen, we need to talk."

HELLINGS-
"What is it Rachel?"

RACHEL- "Look, I just don't think we should see each other anymore."

CHANDLER- "Oh I think he's seen quite a bit by now."

That's actually fairly humorous I think. Crude, but pretty darn funny if you ask me. Hey, you come up with something better. Actually, don't, it will make me look bad. I tried to make this little scene here as realistic as possible. For what it is and considering how short it is, I think it's not bad. I feel happy with it.

HELLINGS-
"Are you saying you want to break up with me?"

RACHEL- "I'm afraid so. There's just something a little bit...creepy about dating your doctor."

There really is something creepy about dating your doctor. It doesn't even matter what kind of doctor either.

HELLINGS-
"Wait a minute! Cut! She dated her doctor before! In fact, she dates a doctor of some sort in every fifth episode! What the hell is this? Who is writing this crap?"

The entire idea behind this roleplay was I had seen an episode of "That 70's Show" featuring The Rock and Ken Shamrock and I remembered watching it and loving it. There were also a few episodes of "Third Rock From the Sun" with Chyna, Stone Cole was on "Nash Bridges" and, of course, Lita made an infamous appearance on "Dark Angel" where she broke her neck. So, the idea of The Boy appearing on a TV show didn't seem that far-fetched. I remember that I ran with a gimmick briefly to explain why I hadn't roleplayed in a little while and the idea was that The Boy was trying to break into Hollywood, but failed. I never wanted to have The Boy become an actor because that just seemed like too much of a ripoff of The Rock's career and I like (to try) to be original. Plus, I think it works so well to have the character sort of knocked down a few pegs by trying to break into acting, only to fail. But, anyway, that was my other reasoning for having The Boy appear on a TV show, as opposed to filming a scene for a movie or something like that.

(The director enters the shot.)

DIRECTOR-
"Look, just say the lines so we can get the hell outta here."

HELLINGS-
"Oh come on! How could she NOT want me? I'm The Boy! And that means I am The Best! I mean, I know deep down inside she really wants me, but she really should in the script too!"

I actually used to joke that I had a thing with Jennifer Aniston "back in the day." It was this running gag I used to do over the Internet, hence the reference.

(Suddenly Brad Pitt appears on the set and storms over to Hellings)

BRAD PITT- "Look man. That's my wife you're talking about! She's taken!"

I hate Brad Pitt. First, he had Jennifer Aniston, now he has Angelina Jolie. Asshole.

HELLINGS-
"Oh, don't worry buddy. You see, when I am saying my lines we are just acting, or if you prefer (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'make believe.' So just settle down, okay?"

So beautifully condescending. If you think Brad Pitt is a bad actor, there could be a joke in there if you look for it. I personally think he's a good actor. Maybe that's just me though.

BRAD PITT- "You said she wants you!"

HELLINGS-
"Well, I'm sure she does! After all, take a look at you and then take a look at me!"

BRAD PITT- "Do you know who I am?"

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, you're Rachel's husband."

The Boy is almost retarded at times, isn't he? One minute he's talking about the differences between acting and reality, the next he's referring to Jennifer Aniston as Rachel. Or maybe it was supposed to be hypocritical. I can't remember. Sometimes I'm more brilliant than I even realize. It's a rare occurence, but stranger things have happened.

BRAD PITT- "I'm Brad Pitt!"

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah. Wait a minute...you're supposed to be that guy all the women want? You're supposed to be a sex object?"

And suddenly I know who he is. Hey! Watch out for that plot hole! By the way, Brad Pitt acts like everyone in the world should know who he is. I know he's an "A-list" actor, but his level of cockiness seems almost Boy-esque.

BRAD PITT- "Hey, it's not about that! I also happen to be a great actor!"

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, something like that. Listen, Brad, why don't you do us all a favor and go spend another 'Seven Years in Tibet'? Me and sugarlips (pointing to Aniston) have to finish off a scene!"

Sugarlips? I've heard of wax lips, but never sugar lips. Don't worry, I purposely wanted to use a really bad name. Honest. By the way, I love that "Seven Years in Tibet" joke, although I think a lot of people have forgot about that film. I've never actually seen it though, but that's par for the course when I'm referencing something.

(Pitt tries to swing at Hellings, but the director pulls him away. Jennifer Aniston goes to talk to her husband and gives The Boy a dirty look on her way by. Matthew Perry comes over to Hellings.)

MATTHEW PERRY- "That was pretty great the way you told him off man! You know, I've always hated that guy!"

Matthew Perry hates Brad Pitt. Apparently. Maybe he could see into the future and saw a premonition of Pitt with Jolie? He's getting revenge for Jen?

HELLINGS-
"Yeah. So, uh...where do you guys keep the monkey?"

MATTHEW PERRY- "Marcel? We got rid of that thing years ago!"

HELLINGS-
"What? Know I HAVE to know who's writing this crap! The monkey was the best damn actor on this lousy show!"

Actually, I always thought the idea of Ross having a monkey was really, really dumb. Worst. Episode. Ever.

MATTHEW PERRY- "Hey! You're not so hot either!"

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, but then again I'm not getting paid a million dollars an episode to do the same damn show over and over, am I?"

Hey, I liked "Friends," but that was a crazy amount of money. Not worth it. No actor on any television show has ever been worth that. Except maybe Richard Dean Anderson. Go MacGyver!

MATTHEW PERRY- "Hey, we earn every penny of that money!"

HELLINGS-
"Right. And then go spend it on crack."

MATTHEW PERRY- "Well at least we don't spend our money on steroids, you freak!"

Ah yes, Matthew Perry the addict. I love the retort that wrestlers are on steroids. That reference stays relevant no matter what, since athletes - and especially wrestlers - will always be linked to steroids. Unfortunately.

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah?"

MATTHEW PERRY- "Yeah!"

(Hellings gives Perry the Chokeslam to HELLings. A bunch of crew members and the rest of the cast come over to help him out.)

The Boy always had to give a random person The Chokeslam. It was just something I had to do. I can't explain it. When I joined NSW I changed my finisher from the chokeslam to the Roll of The Dice/Test Drive/Whatever Else You Want to Call It. I like the move better. The chokeslam never suited my character really. I only did it because it was quick and could come out of nowhere (which I liked), but the name was cheezy. Originally I chose it because in Smackdown One for PSOne that was my finisher, simply because it was the most powerful move my Create a Wrestler could have. And in that game you could change your move's name. I picked that as a play on Kane's so-called "Chokeslam to Hell." I'm so witty and original.

DIRECTOR-
"You psychopath!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey, you can't fire me! I have a contract that allows me to be here until I'm finished!"

Logic? Who needs logic?

DIRECTOR-(Sighs)
"We'll take a ten minute break!"

(As the director storms off and Perry is taken away, Hellings grabs a cup of coffee. RWW's own Michael Cole enters the shot.)

COLE-
"Scott! What's going on? I understand there's been some sort of accident?"

One thing that always bothers me using interviewers for roleplays is that the interviewer pops up out of nowhere. It's as if Michael Cole's whole job is devoted to travelling all across the globe so he can someone's thoughts on their match. Why not just save a whole lot of money and give every wrestler a handicam or something? Or, cheaper still, their own blog space on the website? I guess it's the necessary evil/suspension of disbelief that is required of this medium. I liked playing with the idea of Michael Cole popping up out of nowhere though. It always entertained me. One thing I hate more than the interviewer appearing all over the place is the idea of the camerman who just shows up and says "I need you to talk" like some people do. I prefer to not talk to the cameraman. It's sort of the idea of breaking down the fourth wall. Like remember that time DX gave Vince McMahona a penis pump? And then Vince actually went into the bathroom to use it? The cameraman was blatantly standing there, Vince should have theoretically noticed that and would, thus, not degrade himself by using it, but I think we're supposed to just ignore that fact. I hate breaking down the fourth wall, unless absolutely necessary. The dumbest thing I ever saw on WWE television was right before Kane took off his mask. He sat backstage and looked longingly into the mirror, and then the scene faded out into what could only be described as a flashback, featuring stock Kane footage. Where we supposed to be seeing Kane's thoughts? It just didn't make sense and it was beyond cheezy. Anyway, enough ranting.

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah, some guy hurt himself. No biggie."

COLE-
"Mind if I ask you a few questions?"

HELLINGS-
"I always mind."

Be amazed, as I actually begin to turn this into a wrestling-related roleplay.

COLE-
"Well, this Friday night at Fire you will be taking on Stupac and Dan Coil for your tag team title and I...."

HELLINGS-
"Wait a second. Who the heckadoodle is Dan Coil?"

Heckadoodle is a phrase I coined once. I think I was on crack. Maybe I bought it off Matthew Perry?

COLE-
"He's a member of The Impact Playaz. You remember, MC Tommy Dee insisted that he was his high school history teacher."

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah, that guy. What's he doing these days?"

I evidently have the worst memory ever. It's so bad that...I've been meaning to point out that I evidently have the worst memory ever. HAHA! Funny man!

COLE-
"He's teaming with Stupac against you and MC Tommy Dee at Fire."

HELLINGS-
"Good for him, nice to see he's getting some work again. Well, Mick, I assume you want to kow what my thoughts are on this match."

No, he just wanted to remind you that you had a match. Brilliant Scott, simply brilliant.

COLE-
"That's what they pay me for."

HELLINGS-
"They actually pay you? Gamble is nuts! I bet he's writing the pieces of garbage they call scripts around this place! Well, let me put it to you this way - Stupac has never beat me Micky. Not even once, so what makes him think he can walk into Fire and beat PSI this time around? He has to learn that PSI in unbeatable because I am The Canadian Legend. The Impact Playaz are a bunch of guys who can't wrestle or spell. After all, the last time I checked it was P-L-A-Y-E-R-S, players. I hate words that are spelled stupid like Playaz. I really do. Is improper English supposed to be "cool?" I don't get it.And their leader? Well the only thing Stupac is legendary for is losing to me time after time. Friday Fire will be no exception. Dan Coil is just there for the ride, and Tommy has already beat him a zillion times! So, between us Tommy and I have an impressive win-loss record against those two. Friday is just going to be another tick under the 'wins' column. And Devil's Night is going to be no exception! Devil's Night is an appropriate name for the pay per view, Mick. It's halloween and halloween is known for ghosts, goblins and witches. A fitting scenario for our champion, who tells everyone to face their fears. Well, whatever it is that Stu is afraid of, whether it be vampires or clowns-he will have to face up to one thing. And that is losing his world championship to me at Devil's Night. So Stupac, get a couple of polaroids with the title around your waist now, cause soon, oh so very soon you won't have that chance again!"

I've used that polaroids line many times before. Do polaroids even still exist? Do people actually take polaroids anymore? Not only do I have a bad memory, but I guess The Boy has never heard of a digital camera. Anyway, the line comes from the very, very first roleplay I ever did, which I wrote purely for the purposes of my application to RWW. It was really weird too. I don't remember who the champion was or what title they held (I think it was Matt Mathers and the Intercontinental Title), but I remember me going to his parent's house and eating cookies with his mom, as a way to get in his head. I even had his mom cheering for me until I turned into a total jackass or something. It was very, very strange. I wish I had a copy of that somewhere, but I don't think I do.

COLE-
"So you honestly think it will be that easy to beat Stupac?"

HELLINGS-
"I've done it before and I'll do it again. Besides, look who they booked to be on this show. Me, not Stu-The Boy. Why? Because the higher ups in RWW know that I am going to beat Stupac at Devil's Night. I know it, you know it and the WHOLE DAMN WORLD knows it! Hey, you hear they got rid of the moneky on this stupid show?"

COLE-
"That was quite some time ago, yes. Don't you ever watch Must See TV?"

HELLINGS-
"What are talking about?"

COLE-
"That's when all of NBC's big shows are on."

HELLINGS-
"You mean like 'Cheers?' "

COLE-> "That show was cancelled years ago!"

HELLINGS-
"What? They got rid of Norm? First the monkey, now this! Do they still got that little dog on 'Fraiser?' "

Actually, truth be told, I never liked "Cheers." I never saw what the big deal was. Although I hated "Wings" and "Mad About You" way, WAY more.

COLE-
"Of course."

HELLINGS-
"They could have at least tried to book me on that show! And believe me, there is nothing that is must see on television unless The Boy's there!"

COLE-
"You sound like Diamond Dallas Page, talking about the old days."

HELLINGS-
"Hey! Leave the wisecracks to me!"

Well you better start making some then.

(Suddenly, David Arquette appears beside Cole.)

Because, you know, people like Brad Pitt and David Arquette have nothing better to do but visit the set of "Friends." Well, maybe Arquette I could believe...

DAVID ARQUETTE- "Hey man. I'm David Arquette, but you probably knew that."

I never realized this before, but that's pretty much a recurring line that I use for The Boy a lot. I feel so dirty now; it's like the line has been tainted.

HELLINGS-
"No. What have you done?"

DAVID ARQUETTE- "Well I was in...I..uh, I'm Courtney Cox's husband."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, great. So you want an autograph or something? I'm kinda in the middle of something here."

DAVID ARQUETTE- "No, I was just watching. You and I have something in common. I am a former WCW champion."

Ugh. I HATE referencing other wrestling feds in roleplays, and yet here I am doing it myself. To be fair, WCW was gone by this point. And it did allow me to beat up on David Arquette, so it's therapeutic. Ever seen "Ready to Rumble?" Trust me, you'll want to kill him too. I also want to kill him and everyone involved in "3000 Miles to Graceland." That movie blows.

HELLINGS-(looks Arquette up and down)
"YOU were a WCW champion? Mick here could kick your ass!"

DAVID ARQUETTE- "Oh it's true, I'm a former champion."

HELLINGS-
"HOW? How did a dweeb like you get the title in a federation with a guy like Kevin Nash? Nevermind the size difference, he just doesn't job!"

I also hate breaking kayfabe. But I guess I can do whatever I want. Do as I say, not as I do kids. I'm such a good role model. Now, I'm off to play with guns...

DAVID ARQUETTE- "Hey, believe it!"

HELLINGS-
"Mick, do you want to beat the holy hell out of this guy, or should I?"

I have no idea why Michael Cole would even want to beat him up. What did he do to him? Could he even beat David Arquette up? That would be a real clash of the titans, huh?

COLE-
"Challenge you for it."

HELLINGS-
"Fair enough."

(The Boy and Cole play rock, paper and scissors. Cole chooses scissors, knowing Hellings, as per usual, picks rock.)

COLE-
"He's all yours."

HELLINGS-
"You knew I was going to pick rock, didn't you?"

COLE- "Maybe."

A reference to "The Simpsons." Lisa knows that Bart always picks rock. By the way, I always pick rock too. So if you ever have to play rock, paper, scissors with me, now you know how to win. Cheating bastard.

(Hellings starts beating up David Arquette. He is pounding away at him until several crew members come and break it up. Brad Pitt gets in a cheap shot on the restrained Hellings. The director orders Hellings off the set.)

HELLINGS-
"You can't get rid of me! RWW has a contract!"

I'm pretty sure that becomes null and void when I start beating people up with no provocation.

DIRECTOR-
"Oh yeah. (He turns to Cole) Do you want to do a scene or two for us?"

COLE-
"Sure! I'd love to."

Because THAT would get huge ratings!

(The camera cuts to the outside of the studio where The Boy is standing. He starts grumbling to himself.)

HELLINGS-
"Ah, who needs those guys? It was worth it though, just to beat up Arquette. Maybe I can get on that 'Fraiser' show. Only one way to find out...."

(As Hellings walks off the scene fades to black.)

Well that's it. Like I said, I think it was overall pretty effective. Not the best, logic-wise, but still it served a purpose. If only I hadn't ignored my own standards about roleplaying. To me, people should only refer to what is going on in their own fed, not what is going on in real wrestling. But I guess rules were made to be broken. Anyway, I remembered thinking this one was a lot better than people gave it credit for back in the day. If you ask me, this isn't a whole lot different than PSI in Jolly Old England, yet people LOVED that one. Oh well. Smell you later.

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