commentary: THE BOY AND STUPAC ON LARRY KING

It's time once again for everyone to come aboard the H...oh wait, that's a crappy wrestler's gimmick. What I meant to say is that it is time for another commentary. What an ominous way to start things off, huh? Only good things start with a Godfather reference, right? This roleplay came about from talking to my dad on the phone; he told me that he was watching Larry King. When I questioned him why he would do that, he told me that he liked his show because he always got the big name guests on his show. And I thought, "who is possibly bigger than The Boy?" It seemed so perfect for the character and the great thing is that most people know who Larry King is, so the reference is not lost on people. Always important. It seemed like a good idea to further our gripes about all of our common enemies too. More on that in a bit. By the way, what a great title, huh? Let's hope I spent the extra time I had from not bothering to create a witty title on something that is actually entertaining. We shall see I suppose. By the way, on that note I would just like to promise this roleplay commentary will have more than just me complaining and making fun of myself, there will be actual insight this time around. No, really. Let's get to it then.

(The scene opens up on the set of Larry King. Larry is sitting behind his desk, as usual. He is talking to some political analyst who is going on and on about the stock exchange. Suddenly, Scott "The Boy" Hellings and Stupac enter the shot. They kick off Larry's guest and sit down.)

LARRY KING-
"Who the hell are you two guys?"

HELLINGS-
"Surely, you must recognize us Larry."

Yeah seriously, that just hurts.

LARRY KING-
"No."

STUPAC-
"What? You don't know who I am?"

LARRY KING-(Annoyed)
"I know who you are! You're the idiot who just ruined my show!"

Notice how Larry King doesn't actually know who we are. And thus I have followed one of my own rules for once: that I'm not supposed to be some instantly recognizable super-celebrity. I think it works better this way, doesn't it? If everyone knew who we were wherever we went, it would get kind of boring. It's more fun having us weasel our way onto the show and then getting him mad at us.

STUPAC-
"We didn't ruin it, Larryzilla. Anytime we appear on TV, the ratings just soar!"

The birth of the Nielsen's Favourite Son gimmick? You'll notice Stu saying "Larryzilla." For a while there Stupac sort of started talking like Damon. I don't know why exactly, he just did. I don't remember if Stu started doing that in his own roleplays, or if that was something I started. It was probably me on crack or something, getting Stu and Damon mixed up in my head. Sure, I'll take the blame. Actually, the original text file (which I still have) that I typed this roleplay into was called "larryzilla.txt." It just stuck out in my head for some reason.

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, we're so cool!"

(Hellings and Stupac exchange high fives)

High Five Count: One

LARRY KING-
"Is that right?"

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah. Now listen, we have some important issues to discuss here Larry. We feel that the American public needs to hear our message and we felt that your show would be the best platform for us. Do you mind if we continue?"

LARRY KING-
"Yes. (Shouting) SECURITY!"

Oh please, this would probably be the most interesting show you've ever done. Well, not in terms of actually being informative or, you know worthwhile, but interesting to see how much of a train wreck it could potentially become.

(The two security guards come to take Stu and The Boy away. However, Hellings pulls out a piece of clothing out of his back pocket.)

HELLINGS-
"Not so fast boys! I have a contract with the good folks here at CNN that allows me to be here!"

I've said it before, I'll say it again: the contract thing was awesome. Remember a few years ago when Mick Foley signed a bunch of contracts at Stamford with Linda McMahon? And that allowed him to do all sorts of crazy things (basically it was a cheap way out of storylines and stuff for the writers)? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I think it happened because HHH and Stephanie fired him or something. If I recall it allowed him to be a special guest referee once or something. At any rate, I think I cribbed that idea from him. Thanks again, Mick.

LARRY KING-
"What?"

STUPAC-
"Dude-nice one! (In a bad attempt to sound like a sports announcer) And The Boy makes the save! Totally sweet!"

I think in real life I would beat The Boy and Stupac for being such knobs. Either that or they would be my very best friends. The "makes the save" line was a reference to something my friend Ashley said once that always stuck out in my mind. See, in our grade 11 English class we had to reenact a poem in groups. Our poem was all French-Canadian. So, as part of our acting out of the poem, I printed out pictures of famous French-Canadians and put them on sticks to represent the characters in the poem. I remember Celine Dion was the woman. The man was played by Hockey Hall of Famer Patrick Roy. In the poem, Roy saves the father (played the Prime Minister) from drowning and Ashley ad-libbed that line. It was so cheezy I just loved it. Anyway, enough for my off-topic rambling.

LARRY KING-
"Alright! Just make it quick!"

Really? He's just going to let us do this? Why? Just because of some contract he didn't even bother reading?

HELLINGS-
"Hey, I understand. Your time here on earth is running short, you want me to move it along. I'll do my best."

Because NO ONE ever does Larry King is old jokes.

STUPAC-
"Yeah, you'll do your best because you are The Boy and that means you are SO The Best!"

HELLINGS-
"Hey, right on! Nice incorporation of a catch phrase there, buddy!"

Yeah, totally sweet! For a while there Stu and I also used to steal each other's catchphrases and stuff. It was cheezy, but fun.

(The two exchange high fives again.)

High Five Count: Two

LARRY KING-
"Could we?"

HELLINGS-
"Certainly. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen we are here today to ask for your help. We feel that there are far too many degenerates on television today. Now, I won't name names, but I'll give you a couple of hints. First of all, there is a man on RWW TV who actually goes around making people ill. Why, my good friend Stupac here was sick for several days thanks to this individual!"

Hey look at that! I've turned this into a roleplay with a point!

STUPAC-(Nods)
"I hurled for three days."

If you're gonna spew, spew into this. Obscure "Wayne's World" reference anyone? No?

HELLINGS-
"What makes it worse is that this man is engaged. He is giving his (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'sickness' to his fiance! Should we teach our children that passing STD's to one another is okay?!"

I don't know why I decided The Sickness was a STD, as opposed to just a cold or something. I think it sounded funnier or something. Still, there remains the disturbing fact that in "The Boy Tells a Story" I warned small children of its dangers and there was also the running gag that Mercy "gave us The Sickness." What does that say about us?

STUPAC-
"Dude, you have kids?"

HELLINGS-
"No. I said our children, like as in a hypothetical question."

STUPAC-
"Oh. That rules."

That's right kids, hypothetical questions rule. They go over huge at parties.

HELLINGS-
"Anyway, there's this other guy who uses poor English and actually steals people's clothes! This man actually went into our locker room and took Stu's clothes! What a freak! Stu had to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe today because of this man! Is stealing a message we want the children of America picking up? I mean, let alone the poor bastardization of the English language!"

This is an example of having to sort of implement what your partner is doing when you are in a tag team or a stable, which I talked a little about on the Notes on the Charater page. Basically, Too Tuff did a roleplay where he stole Stu's clothes, which I think was supposed to embarrass him or something (which I never felt worked, since wrestling is a pretty male-dominated business and therefore it would be just like walking around the locker room at the YMCA, wouldn't it?). In this case mentioning that angle worked because we had a common enemy and it worked with the overall idea of the roleplay, so that's fine. But it doesn't always work out that way; sometimes it detracts from what you are doing and your roleplays really become sort of their roleplays too.

Truth be told, I think the problem with PSI was that we were all too close to one another, in terms of where we were on the card, so to speak. Stu was a main eventer, when he joined I was just getting there, Tommy Dee got there pretty quickly, Jay Zee was there, and Damon was a little bit too (although to a lesser extent, only because Jon didn't have a computer and couldn't roleplay all the time). Plus, Stu and I were a tag team, Tommy and I were a tag team, Tommy and Jay were a tag team, Tommy and Damon were a tag team...it was just too much. There were a lot of matches were Stu and I were both in a triple threat or whatever...we were too close on the card to be effective. Don't get me wrong, PSI was very dominant and I had a blast doing it. I think it would have been better had the roster size been larger and had we all been further spaced out or sectioned off. Look at the last days of Evolution in WWE: HHH was in the main event, Randy Orton was the Intercontinental Champion, Batista was slightly below him on the card (and quite often he and Flair tagged). They were dominant because they could rule over the entire show. PSI really only ruled at the top. And even then, sometimes the RWW roster was so thin we were almost alone at the top.

LARRY KING-
"You're talking about the bastardization of the English language, yet mere moments ago I heard the words 'hurl' and 'dude.' Do you see the hypocrisy in your message?"

Hey look at that: I'm aware of my own holes in logic for once.

HELLINGS-
"I'll get back to that in a minute, Larry. But I'm not done yet with my rant. Not only do we have these two guys teaching bad habits, we also have bad morals being presented to our children. What about Chris Jericho?"

LARRY KING-
"I though you weren't mentioning names. Now you are REALLY contradicting yourself!"

Meh. I'll do what I want.

HELLINGS-(Ignores Larry)
"The man loses to me 3,247 times and then goes into hiding. Are we teaching our children to run away from what scares them? Should they not attempt to overcome any obstacles in their way? Or should they just lose and give up?"

STUPAC-
"Yeah, they should totally Face Their Fears!"

HELLINGS-
"Nice one buddy!"

(They exchange high fives again.)

High Five Count: Three

LARRY KING-
"So what are you proposing to do about this so-called problem?"

HELLINGS-
"I want Chris Jericho in the ring on Monday night! I want win number 3,248 over him! I want to beat him so bad that he can never....EEEEEEEEVER get into the ring again! Then, and only then, can we rid the airwaves of this menace! Also, I understand that a man by the name of K Dogg has challenged me to a match recently. If he wants me in the ring, I'll face him anytime he wants and then maybe I can get some retribution for Stu! But, Stu and I can not go on in this mission without help. We need you, the public, to help us. Write Congress, tell them that you hate seeing Mercy, The Big E, Too Tuff and Chris Jericho on TV! Get that guy Lancelot out of this country! He doesn't have a green card - I know! We need your help! Just like the people here at CNN ask for your help several times a year. This very program is paid for by viewers like you."

That was actually both entertaining and it suited the roleplay. Wow I was on my game in this one.

LARRY KING-
"You're thinking of PBS."

HELLINGS-
"No, only women get PBS. Hey! I think have a caller over there, Larry."

That's funny, although I think I stole that joke from an episode of "Home Improvement." Does that surprise you though, really?

LARRY KING-
"Hello caller. This is Larry King with Scott Hellings and Stupac, who I'm told are RWW superstars. Welcome to the show 'Anonymous' in Columbus, Ohio. What do you have to say to these two here?"

The very idea they would field a call from a person calling themselves "Anonymous" is hilarious. After all, it's a call-in show! Plus, people can't see you and they don't give out last names. People aren't going to say, "Jim in Des Moines? That HAS to be my boss!"

ANONYMOUS-
"Uh, yeah....I think that Scott and Stu are speaking the truth. After all, Mercy is a horrible - and I'm not just talking about his wrestling ability either! Guys like him need to get off TV!"

(Larry just stares at the screen listening to the caller. A lot of audio feedback is coming in overtop of the caller's voice.)

LARRY KING-
"I'm sorry, we're having troubles hearing you Anonymous. There is a lot of feedback for some reason."

(The camera pans to the right. Larry is still staring into the camera. However, we can see Stupac sitting beside The Boy talking into his cellphone. He looks over at Hellings.)

That's freakin' hilarious. If I'm not mistaken, I think Stu wrote that joke into there actually though. So yes, the funniest thing in here wasn't actually my own. I guess I'm not that awesome after all. Shocker, I know.

STUPAC-
"Dude! He says there is a lot of feedback here."

HELLINGS-
"Just move back a bit."

(Stu moves his chair back a few feet.)

STUPAC-
"Is that better?"

Yup, two feet makes all the difference in the world. What's even more amazing here is that the crew didn't seem to notice Stu on his cell, or at least they didn't bother telling Larry about it.

LARRY KING-
"Yes it is, thank you. Now....(Larry notices Stupac on his cell.) Hey! That is you on the phone isn't it?"

STUPAC-
"Uh....I have to go now..er..mom, later."

(Despite Stupac's attempt at a save, his excuse was also heard over the air. Larry rolls his eyes.)

LARRY KING-
"Are you two finished?"

HELLINGS-
"We won't be finished until we rid television of these negative influences and all that remains is what the fans want - US!"

I want you to want me. I need you to need me....sorry. I just couldn't resist. By the way, I think capitalizing the "us" for emphasis makes it look like we're saying the fans want the United States. Oh well.

LARRY KING-
"I was just handed some information on you two jackasses. It says here that you both recently turned your backs on these men and joined up with the much hated Rob Gamble, owner of Rampage World Wrestling. How, then, can you possibly say that these other men are without morals when you yourselves are just as bad, if not worse?"

You see? Instead of a hole in logic where Larry King suddenly "remembers" who we are, he had to have it researched by a staff member on his show first. Awesome job, me. I rock, don't ever change. I truly am The Boy and that obviously means I am The Best.

HELLINGS-
"How in the HELLings have you managed to say on the air this long being so boring?"

Not only that, but I swear EVERY time I switch to CNN, Larry King is on. I swear he lives in the studio. Or doesn't sleep or something. Maybe he's a vampire?

STUPAC-
"Dude! That was so sweet! Incorporating your name into that one! SCORE!"

(They give each other high fives and thumbs up.)

High Five Count: Four

LARRY KING-(Angered)
"Alright, I've had enough! leave!"

HELLINGS-
"Why? You have to go get married for the 72nd time?"

Do people actually know that Larry King has been married several times, or is that a really obscure joke no one understands? He has, but I only know that because David Letterman likes to man fun of him for that. So, I guess if you watch Letterman that joke works. Maybe not otherwise. By the way, why has Larry King been married so many times? Maybe his marriages wouldn't fail if he did something other than hanging out at CNN 24/7.

LARRY KING-
"Okay, get out!"

(Stu and The Boy get up to leave.)

HELLINGS-
"By the way, we'll be in Cleveland Friday! Come to Friday Fire and support our cause!"

STUPAC-
"The first five hundred people in the door get a slice of pizza from us-Two Guys, A Tag Team and a Pizza Place!"

I talk more about that tag team name in another commentary. For what it's worth though - I love the idea that we actually had our own pizza place as a result of our tag team name. We didn't use that angle enough though.

LARRY KING-
"Hey! No plugs! Get the hell of my set!"

(The two reluctantly start to walk away.)

STUPAC-
"That was a good plug man."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah, it's no GNC commerical though!"

Too Tuff and K Dogg did a roleplay where they were filming a GNC commerical, hence the reference.

(They both start laughing.)

STUPAC-
"Yeah, can you believe Too Tuff and K Dogg? Get rowdy! Buy some vitamins!"

HELLINGS-
"In all fairness, I'm impressed they were able to speak such fluent English for that long."

Both Too Tuff and K Dogg talked in sort of street lingo, and I always had to joke about how they didn't speak proper English. It's a funny line I think.

STUPAC-
"They did say that it took a lot of takes."

HELLINGS-
"Oh yeah. Point taken."

(The two walk out the studio doors as the scene fades to black.)

That's a nice line to go out on. Wow, a pretty good roleplay, all things considered. It was genuinely funny, creative, and it also had a point. Oh, and it also followed my rules, as well as having 0zero holes in logic. Looking back at it, I'm fairly impressed by this roleplay actually. A job well done. By this time I had been doing the PSI thing for a while, so I think I was really beginning to hit my stride as to how to approach roleplays in a funny, yet productive manner. Also, I think it helped me out a lot when Stupac joined PSI, because it sectioned off the group into me and Stu and Tommy and Damon. Thus, I didn't have to do roleplays with a group of four or five people, all trying to have dialogue. It works better and is easier to roleplay with a smaller group of characters I think, as evidenced by this roleplay here. So, despite our ominous beginning and the crappy title, this turned out pretty good. Final total on the high five count: four. Not too shabby. Anyway, that's it for me. Catch you next time.

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